Soon to Be Separated, Need Advice on Custody

How far away does he live. If it isn't far let him see the kids and then take them to school. If he was a good father before he will still be one now.

My advice is to keep a stable environment for your children. Most importantly, that means remaining civil w/ their father. If he is going to get upset w/ the arrangement you suggested, maybe you could try his idea and see how it goes. It's important that your kids feel you are working as a team, even though you are no longer together. My parents were seperated, too, and they made their dislike for each other very apparent. That makes it hard on the kids. I say try his idea, and if the children seem confused then stop and explain to their father that it is affecting them negatively. If he loves them, he should be onboard w/ whatever is in their best interest!! Good luck, I'm sure this is not an easy time for you!

my fiance and i separated for a little while and that was the hardest part was separating her.... its an adjustment for everyone... which i am sure you both have thought about.. try and go with the flow as much as possible.. a regular routine will eventually happen... be more concerned of how its going to effect the kids in school and stuff... if he is willing to get them to school on time, maybe see how it goes... i know this has to be very hard for you and maybe you feel like you are loosing control over everything.. but try it, and if it doesnt work then you have your point made.

even though things are difficult and changing for the two of you... the two of you are still the same to your kids... they need to spend as much time with both of you and honestly alot of men dont try and see their kids, at least he wants to.

good luck, and i am sorry you have to go thru this

My boy is 2, so I can at least relate to what things may be like for your youngest. Hopefully your ex is a better dad than mine though, so maybe if he is none of my experiences will apply. I find that overnights during the week always leave him cranky. He doesn't get enough sleep over there and has a hard time coming back into a life with a routine. I think, though, that if both parents really can work hard at maintaining a good reliable schedule, it is easier on the kids. Like I said, my problems probably aren't really the overnights, but more of a lack in his dad's parenting skills.

I agree with the kids need stability issue!! However, stability doesn't nessasarily mean being at the same house all week... Stability for a child is just knowing what to expect... If your children expect to be at their father's on certain days then to them that will be stability!! Keep in mind that them having "stability" is just as important as them having a constant relationship with their father! I don't think every other weekend constitutes an ongoing constant relationship, and neither would you if the roles were reversed and the kids were visiting you instead!! So please whatever you do think of the children first and try and see things from their fathers side as well, always think about if the situation was reversed!! That has helped us greatly!

Keep in mind that no matter what schedule you figure out, the kids are going to have some adjustment issues... If you try out different schedules try them out for a month or so... Time enough to see if the kids can/will get adjusted to it!

Hope some of this at least gives you something to think about... Also, as woman try and find yourself some friends who have been through this... Another small bit of advice, don't just associate yourself with "mothers" in your situation. Find "mothers" on the other side of the coin. Step mothers or mothers who are on the visiting end of things! I know having the friends who have the different perspectives in their lives help A LOT!!!

Well I agree with you that that need stability and should be home on school nights by bed time i am kinda going throught the same thing right now but yeah there's a big difference from me and u but i think ur rigt about the school night thing but if he lives where the kids can go to school form his house it wouldnt hurt to try it but let him know its kinda like a test and u look for sighns that its not working well for the kids or sighns that the kif=ds r doing great with it. the important thing is how the kids react to it so as long as their doing good and r showing postive sighns about staying with himo n a school night i would allow itl just remember the childern r the ones that matter here and as long as their happy and doing weel with the new situation do it but if it effects them in a bad way point it out to their dad and stop it or give him the chance to fix it but dont give him too many chances or its going to be harded on the kids. but just do what the kids want or what work best for them their the important ones here

Hi M., You're right that the kids need stability esacially when it comes to school..they need a steady routine and to know where home is. I think as long as you can agree on the same times and days or close to the same and don't fight about it in front of the children you'll be okay. I come from divored parents and we did every other weekend and tuesdays and thursdays with dad, we did stay overnight during the week but it was the same days every week.
Best of luck,
G.

Well, I'm a single parent and I know it is hard when my son's father wants to keep my son during the school week which will be impossible for him since he lives in Maryland and I live in Virginia. Stability is the best thing for your children and their education. Talk it over with their father on the reasons why. Divorce is not easy...I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless!

Hi M.: I'm not sure which state you live in so I'm not sure my suggestion will be applicable for your situation, but here in Pennsylvania for custody issues we can use a "mediator". This is a person who has had training or is an attorney specializing in "family court matters", which is what custody/visitation fall under in my home state. You can contact the court system in the state in which your reside and they can probably assist you. And please do not take this information as any thing other that "helpful information regarding your custody arrangment issues". Hopfuly this tid-bit was helpful.
R.

I very much agree with the last response. Make plans and keep yourself busy when the kids aren't with you. Take care of yourself.

I think that if both of your homes are in the same school district that you should let him keep the kids on his days off. I have the same deal, my children's father lives about four blocks from me. His days off alternate, and they're rarely on the weekend. He loves his kids and loves spending time with them, and I would never want to deny him time with them. I see what you're saying about the school night thing, but he's the father, it's not like they're going to a sleep over, he should know that they need a routine and should stick to the routine that I'm sure you guys already have in place with your children, the only difference is that they'll be at his house, not yours. Being a single mom is difficult, and you're going to need your time off for yourself too. Good luck, stay strong!

I agree with keeping a routine for the children. They need some stability right now in this time of need. You can always try it for a few days & see how it works just so that you both are able to have an equal amount of time with the kids. In the end you both will have to do whats right for the kids & not for yourselves. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this at all. No one wants this for their children. But, now that its happening all you can do is make the best of it & show your children how much you love them. As long as you are both on the same team for the kids you will make the right choice. Good Luck,

Hi M.!
First of all, is separation really necessary? Did you exhaust all possible avenues of rekindling your relationship with your husband??? I ask this because I did NOT exhaust all avenues with my ex and I regret it now.
I'm divorced five years now from my first husband of 11 years. We had an amicable divorce. Together we came up with our own arrangement for everything. Neither of us wanted to be away from the kids for any length of time. So we have joint custody. Without going into details, we agreed to have the kids every other day and every other weekend. But we also agreed that we had to live in the same school district so that the kids could do this. So one day they get on a certain bus for his house, and the next day they get on the bus for my house. What has also made this easy is that we only live one mile from eachother so if they forget anything at the other house, it's no big deal to be able to go to the other home. In the summer, they ride their bikes to each home. For the most part, this has worked out real good. But like mentioned before, it is VERY important that you work together. My ex and I are very flexible with our days. For instance, this weekend is my weekend but he has tickets for the Penn State game. So, of course, my son is going with him to this. Why would I deny my child this opportunity to (1) be with his dad and (2) be able to watch Penn State play!! :)
I wouldn't mind keeping in touch with you. Please feel free to email me at ____@____.com anytime!
AMH

I have to agree what everyone has said.They do need stability.I would really draw up papers with the courts.Everytihng might be moving along ok right now,but for what i have seen never for long.Best of Luck to you.J.