Sons Argue like Crazy

That is hilarious! Thank you for the tip. I have an 8yo and 2yo and they argue too. It drives me nuts. I like what you are doing. Please let me know how it works out.

That's what boys do at that age and being that close in age. No, ALL boys don't do it, but it's a brother thing, and it is perfectly normal. They are building their relationship--boundaries, trust, camaraderie, etc. This will probably continue until the younger one is about 20.

Let them figure it out, and they'll most likely be best friends for life. It's how kids of a certain age range and dynamic build intimacy. It's hard to watch them behave like that, I know. You should continue to remind them that you want them to always love each other and look out for each other. They will.

teach them to debate... that way they have structure to their "arguing"... let them set the ground rules and you suggest some as well - I believe that you would be helping them each learn how to share their side of things. Each time they get into an argument, set up the debate "arena" - something to be a podium, 2 chairs, etc. then the first one has 2 minutes to lay out the reason their position is correct, the second one has 1 minute to respond or ask questions, the first has 1 minute to answer... then the second has 2 minutes to state their position and so on... of course, they will argue over who goes first and who "won" but as along as they are not being mean to one another or getting violent, it may be OK... even though it drives you crazy!

I usually don't do this but I had to respond and disagree with the woman who said to "threaten" therapy! Don't ever use therapy as a threat... (like some parents threaten boarding school or putting them up for adoption). Therapy is a valuable tool - not a threat and siblings this age DO argue! The important things are that they don't get violent or nasty with each other! I do agree with the woman who said that they are practicing boundary setting and expressing opinions in a safe environment and will likely be good friends in the end and likely this give and take of arguing may very well be the way their relationship goes for many years. I have 4 older brothers and even though we live scattered throughout the US and I in another country, when we get together... some disagreements will arise and a lively conversation and laughter always follow.

I guess that it is nice that they enjoy being with one another and miss each other... =)

blessings,
stacy

Your boys are in two different worlds, and will be for a little while. The eleven-year-old is still a child, while the fourteen-year-old is now a teen. They're not going to see eye to eye on everything, and that's normal. For a lot of it you can just let them work it out.

However, when arguing escalates from normal brotherly bickering (I don't know of ANY siblings that don't bicker) to ugly name calling, cut downs, or downright fighting, only then do you really need to step in. If they're just squabbling about who should get the game first, or who called shotgun, or what tv show to watch, just let them handle it. Learning to work out differences is a valuable tool that they will need as adults. And eventually, once both boys are in the same world again (around the time your younger son hits 13 or 14) you'll start seeing them arguing less and talking more.

With my two we do the exact opposite and put them together for everything. We set up an atmosphere of them against us. They have to share each others punishments on everything. They get to the point that they help each other out to make sure that the other doesn't get in trouble and that they get to keep their own things going well. (They even help clean the others rooms). This starts off with a lot of "That's not fair" but then again, life is not fair.
Good luck!

My Mom used to make my sister and I hug for five minutes, then we had to work it out with a compromise. I use this same tactic with my boys and it works. They will be embarrassed to have to hug at that age and it will end up being funny after a minute, then after the anger is gone, work on their compromises. Just another idea. CB

Hi J.,

Well your definetly not alone. I to have similar ages my oldest is 15 and my youngest 12. Sometimes I forget that my youngest is just 12. The most part they do get along which I am thankful, but we have are moments and the house is upside down for a week lol..and I am losing my mind. lol. They are so different and my youngest is still figuring out what he likes and dislikes and alot of his likes are what is big brother likes. Sometimes that can get on the bigger brothers nerves. I am the oldest in my family and I remember have the younger ones tag along. I think sometimes we need breaks from one another. You always know when its that time. Its funny when they have breaks from one another you think they haven't seen each other in a year lol..It helps me as well to get my breaks too! Good Luck!

I bet they are sick of eachother. Think about when we had friends stay over. One night I was great. But after I had been with that best friend for the ENTIRE weekend just the sound of there voice got on my nerves. Let your kid sleep over at a friends house for a weekend and be sure to return the favor. I think they just need some time apart. Keep doing what your doing. My brothers and I fought all the time. It lessened in our mid teens. Were all grown now and were finally friends. Good luck.

Oh Gosh! My boys are total opposites! They use to argue and fight and drive me nuts all the time. I worried that they were going to be one of those brothers that hate each other as adults....WOW, now they are 19 and 21. As soon as the older on went off to college not only did the way he talked to me and his siblings change for the better, the relationship between the two brothers is strong. You can see how much they miss each other and enjoy each other....I even saw the older one HUG the younger one at the end of christmas break this last year. I wanted to cry!!

The arguing is bonding believe it or not..I wouldnt worry, but keep an ear and eye open to set boundries if it gets out of control

This is extreme, but I would tell them "the arguing is over, effective now. If you cannot resolve this and learn to live together, your father and I are going to put you in therapy together. Most siblings don't do this, and you are not going to either. So make up your mind to stop it, or you will go to therapy together, and believe me, you won't be arguing there".

Oh, and do it in a family meeting setting, so that they know it is serious. BTW, you need to have family meetings with teenagers. They are old enough to deal with it. But only do family meeting whens there is something important to say, like this.

Now of course, you don't need to send them to therapy, but it will get the point across.

Buy them some boxing gloves, send them outside and tell them to not come back in until they are ready to act like loving brothers again. I can remember my mom sending my brothers out (with out the gloves..lol) they ran around the house and wrestled. I think they finally came back in better. Now i'm not saying that it will be the end of the fighting but I think in my brothers case it lessened it. I like to think of it as their turning point. Just an idea.

I'll bet if you think back, those first three argued too. You were just too busy raising kids to notice. You said these two laugh about it....they're just a couple of kids having fun. No siblings ever did not argue with each other. Chill, Mom, and don't be so uptight. As long as they don't hurt one another, leave them alone, just make some rules like no raised voices or hands, no weapons, when it over they have to discuss it and make jokes about it to demonstrate how silly they acted, but let them let off some steam.