My almost 3 year-old has been potty-trained for about 10 months and in the past month when we place him in his room for time-out or take a toy away from him as a consequence, he gets very mad at us and either pees in his pants or takes his clothes off and pees on the floor. Then he screams that he peed and wants new clothes. We initially tried calling it an accident (no scolding or negative connotation involved) and having him clean up his clothes and the floor as we usually do whenever he has the rare accidental pee accident, but we feel this is giving him too much attention. In essence, "rewarding" him for this negative behavior by giving him attention. So now when he pees when he's mad at us we just ignore him or just change his clothes or clean up the floor without saying anything to him and trying to keep facial expressions neutral. Any one else gone through this? Any suggestions as to how to handle this new behavior?
Interestingly, he hasn't peed on the floor for a week now. He likes to sleep on his floor sometimes next to his night light and when we told him he can't sleep on his floor anymore, he stopped peeing on it. So it was a bit of a different approach, but it has worked so far. Thank you all for your suggestions.
He would get attention from me, and not the kind he was looking for, he would get double time out, or the loss of more toys, or go straight to bed. I would never allow my child to get away with trying to punish me for disciplining him by peeing on him self or my floor.
Hi Jamie, Accidents are when a child makes every effort to make it to the bathroom, but does not make it on time, that's ab accident, anything else is intential and in my opinion wards discipline. Connie
Your son appears to believe the punishments are undeserved. Right or wrong, he's found a way to express his desire to have more control over his situation. Sounds like a bright kid.
Not all children respond well to time outs, or other punitive measures.
There is a remarkably effective approach to parenting that largely avoids the need for punishments, and that is to have the child participate in problem solving – whereupon they "own" their solutions and want to make them work. The very fine book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, is my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The techniques taught by these long-time workshop leaders are mutually respectful, designed to meet the needs of both parent and child.
And they work. Life becomes less stressful and more fun for all.
I would make his time out the bathroom from now on, and if he pees himself, let him stand there in it until the punishment is over. He may scream and carry on, but it will work I can assure you. As soon as he settles down go in and ask him to apologize for getting in trouble in the first place and then ask him to apologize for peeing himself. If he doesn't, leave the room again for more time out (pee and all). You are right not to show emotion and to stick to task so keep that up. Just don't change him, he obviously doesn't like that he is wet and will get it real quick.
Good luck.
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My son used to do it on purpose too, to try to get out of his time out. (He could cope just fine!) I either would take him potty before the time out, or tell him we would clean him up after the time-out was over. I always kept the time out to 1 min. per year of age, so 3 wet mins. is not torture! I also always used the microwave or over timer, so he could hear the beeping when it was done. It stopped pretty soon when he realized he wasn't going to get out of the time out.
I would stick to your guns, he is testing your resiliance to him. I would also make him clean up the mess. It might not be done as well as you will do it, or as fast, but he needs to be the one dealing with it AFTER his 3 minute time out of course. I have 2 boys, they are stubborn little cusses.
I liked the idea of taking him to the bathroom before you take him to time out. If he doesn't pee in the bathroom but does in his pants...oh man, clean up & then more time out I would say.
This will pass I promise.
sounds like you are doing the right thing. he is doing it just to get your attention or to get out of time out. I think he just might be old enough to change his own clothing so what you can do is have some near the time out area and then have him change himself when he does it. you can even re-start the time out after he is done changing him self. chances are he will get sick of that really fast if he is doing the work and the TO feel longer to him. I dont know if you know but they should only be 3 min TO bc he is three years old. good luck, discipline can be very frustrating but stick to it and be consitant and it will all work itself out
He can't cope.
Use other ways of teaching/disciplining him for transgressions.
There is transgressions which a child does knowingly... and those that the child can't "control", due to ability and maturity and developmental age....
Keep this in mind.
He is displaying inability.... and he is not able to cope... with stress or anxiety.
Young children, do not know how to cope.... automatically.
teach him..... about feelings/emotions/communication... this will in the long run... provide 'skills' for a child to navigate themselves, when older, per coping and emotional management.
Even adults, don't know this, automatically.
It must be taught... in a safe and comforting way...
You do NOT want, a pent-up young boy... to then become an emotionally pent-up Man.
Boys... NEED to know how to express themselves, and how to communicate... and that it is okay... to feel mad or happy. BUT... the KEY is to teach them... how to cope and alternate ways of expressing it.... and that their parent, will 'hear' them and be a soft place to fall, no matter what. That is what I teach my son and daughter... despite 'discipline.'
all the best,
Susan
UGH! My cousin did this when I was watching him. (My step-mom Mel had custody of him, and while she was in an out of state hospital for 6 months with my preemie brother I was the primary caretaker of him and the other kids...) I potty trained him while Mel was gone, he did the same thing. He would sit in his room and scream that he had to potty. I would let him out the 1st time to use the toilet... but after that he would scream again. If I told him he couldn't come out, he would say TELL me that if I didn't let him out he would pee himself... then do it. He could pee on himself 4-5 times during ONE time of trying to put him in time out! And the time out wouldn't correct the original behavior, because it would become a fight about the time out itself... the original behavior would be forgotten by the time he cooperated. After a while, I got sick of constantly having to fight him on it... I got a small plastic picnic chair, and his time out started being to sit on the chair in the bathtub. (we had a big one that had room for this...Put a no-slip mat under it so it's safe, and an extra bathroom for the other kids to use.) If he peed himself he just had to sit in it until his time out was over. After about 2 weeks of having to sit in his pee he stopped, and we resumed time out in his room. (Much as I hated to make him sit in his pee... he was 5 years old, and had very extreme behavior... Mel was the mother that wants to be the friend, not the parent... so he was never punished for ANYTHING...)
put him in time out on a potty chair. Use the regular toilet for regular use.
Some kids (and adults even) have some sort of autonomic system reaction that when they get upset they have to pee. Not all kids (especially at 3 years old) can learn to control it, even if they are really well potty trained. Is he allowed to go potty during a timeout? (even if the time out starts over after). It may just be something more for him to learn to control his bladder over (which will be important when he starts school!)
Other than that, just go with natural consequences. Have him clean himself up. Say "Oh, that's too bad, you'd better get cleaned up". Stay with the neutral expression and tone of voice. Then start timeout over afterwards (so that he knows it's not getting him out of timeout). But don't clean up for him - that is giving him control that is a payoff itself.
Make him clean it up and the continue with his time out.
Make him pee on his way to time out. If he still does it, change his clothes quietly and make him clean up the best he can. Then he goes right back to time out.
make him clean himself up, within reason. If it involves cleaning products, you can do that part, but he can change his own clothes and clean himself off.
Hi Jamie, yes, my now almost 4 year old son started doing this when he was a little over 3. Worse, he would also poop on the floor. This turned out to be a phase and he rarely does it any more. We did insist that he clean the mess and clean himself each and every time. I do think that you need to do this as there must be a negative consequence for this kind of behavior. And picking up his own poop was extremely distasteful to my son. . . funny how the problems seemed to stop after he had to take his own steaming pile to the potty! Good luck!
set a stop watch and time how much time it takes to clean up (having him help of course) then say Oh, I wish you hadn't done that, mommy just gave up 5 minutes of her time to clean this up so you will have to give me that 5 minutes back. You will be going to bed early tonight.
it still doesn't become a you're a bad boy for peeing thing--just gives him something to think about.
another thought I had was the time out--I don't know how you do yours--but I don't use a time limit on it. I just tell my dd that she is in time out to think about what just happened, or to get herself under control so she can talk calmly and as soon as she is ready to talk to me to come on out and find me. She sets the time limit based on how much time she needs. I think it helps her feel like she is in control of the situation but its a solution I am happy with.
do time outs in the bathroom or on a small potty chair and if he does pee in his pants or on the floor just because he is in time out I would clean him up and extend the time out
