Son Has New Friends Who Are Encouraging Him the Wrong Way

J., you seem to be greatly under-reacting. If my son got his girlfriend pregnant, the last thing he'd be doing is going to a party and I can assure you that other than being there for the girl, I would own every minute of his days.

What are they doing about the pregnancy? It sounds like the train has already left the station here and that your family is in need of a major reality check. I guess I'm just surprised that just about one of the worst things that a teenager can do to derail his or her life has happened to your child and your concern is that he was standing with some kids who smoke.

I wish I had some better advice for you but just have to say that I don't think you should be concerned about his friends right now. Focus on him and what he's going to do about the mess he helped make, and whatever they decide to do about the pregnancy, make sure that he understands that the time to make better choices for his future is right now. This is real life kicking down the door.

He's already gotten a girl pregnant so he was going the wrong way already. Why are you upset about parties and smoking when he is having sex and is going to be a father at 15? Changing? He has already changed. It's time for you to wake up to what has happened and for him to wake up and start looking at what it is to be a "real" man and a father. All the grandparents-to-be need to put their heads together to work out how to best take care of the grand baby while forcing their no-longer innocent children to face reality and parenthood. Since your son is going to need a part time job for after school to help support his child, you won't have to worry about his friends.

Wow, you let your son go to a party at 15? After getting a girl pregnant!? Seriously? If that were my son he wouldn't have time to party because he would be doing community service and mowing lawns from dawn to dusk to pay for his child or the counseling the poor girl will need if she chooses to abort or give it up for adoption. Clearly, your son has does not associate responsibility or consequences with his actions so he will probably continue down a path of smoking, sex, alcohol and drugs. That is, unless you decide to actually teach him something.

You need some help, both for him and for you. You may not realize this, but there's a possibility that her parents could have him charged for having sex with a minor after the baby is born once paternity is established. Your son doesn't seem to understand the gravity of his situation. I wonder if you do, to be honest. Why on earth are you letting him go to parties right now?

Get a counselor for him. Teen parenting classes aren't enough. If she decides to keep this baby, he needs to get a part time job after school instead of going out with these friends.

Go get some help. You need professional advice.

Dawn

The last thing you need to worry about is who your son is hanging out with. His future has been affected, whether she keeps the baby or not. You should be worried that if this girl is a minor, the parents or the state won't come after him for getting her pregnant.

What kind of decisions do you want him to make in the future and are you ready for HIM to deal with the consequences? Not YOU?

What I would worry about is if he gets his next girlfriend pregnant...and the next one...and the next one. My point is...I have no idea what my point is, other than you need to step up NOW to make your son get a grip and realize how his actions will affect others. HE JUST GOT A GIRL PREGNANT! I would put him in teenager time out so he can come to his senses and start planning his future.

Yeah, what B said. Read it. Read it again. Read it again.

Get your head out of the clouds and back down to earth. This is serious. You are failing as a parent if you don't take swift and immediate action to get your son back on track.

And I thought this was about the usual teen issues of recent days from the title.

ETA: I am sorry for your loss. There have been many changes for you and your son. May you two take this time to bond and build a true friendship for life that is rock solid.

-- Let's see, you are the father of a young teen son (15) and he has now gotten a girl pregnant and your reaction is really no reaction. What?

You should be using X#!!? and such and you should be showing more emotion. However, if you have not been speaking with your son from infancy about things like this then this would be your reaction. From the time my son was young I spoke to him about sex. I even mentioned to him on numerous times that he needed to think about what he was doing and with whom because he might wind up being with this person for the rest of his life (baby). I used to tell him if you play you must pay meaning you are responsibile for your actions for the rest of your life. Then there was the TV ad about "don't let 5 lbs keep you off the football team" (baby). Where were you when that ad was out?

Now you have to speak to him as an adult and mean what you say. His life of carefree has vaporized into smoke. There will be no time for the new or the new or the old friends. He has to graduate high school, get into college and graduate and get a job. If he does not go to college he has to take vocational classes and get certificates and such to support him and his child and future children.

Yes he is on the fast track to growing up and leaving his youth behind before he was ready. Get into parenting classes for both you and him and hope that the future will be successful. Please to read B's response over and over until it really sinks in. Where were the sex education classes, the Playboy magazines and such or do you not have a cose relationship with your son? You have no idea of what has happened and you need to.

My son at 23 years was in the Army informed me of a "project" that was 2/3 of the way completed when he told me that he had a child coming. I told him that I was not going to tell his father that HE was going to tell his father what had happened and took the phone to dad and handed it to him. The news and shock took about a month to sink in. My son was of age and so was the mother but she had been on antibotics and the birth control failed and she kept the child. He left the Army after his first stint and has been working ever since to provide for the child which will be 16 this year. My son took classes and has become a journeyman electrician and provides well and is now married to a wonderful woman (not the mother of son) and has a good life. It is tough because of the son and the step-mom but he does love step-mom more than mom (another story).

Good luck and keep your eyes wide open and be the man for your son to look up to for guidance.

The other S.

PS Where is mom? Sorry if this comes off rather harsh and blunt but it is real life.

I don't even know what to say. Why you're allowing your son to come and go socially as he pleases while you act as his cab driver is beyond me. He's a minor that got a girl pregnant because he made a poor judgment and chose to engage in adult behavior he wasn't ready for. No one was ready for the result... the baby... and your son's behavior and friends have changed dramatically but you're not sure if you should be concerned?

YES you should be concerned and you're UNDER-reacting. You need to exert some parental control over your minor child and get some legal council in case that girl's parents decide to take legal action against him. If she keeps the baby, YOU are going to have to pay child support until your son is old enough to do so. If she wants to give the baby up for adoption, then your family has to figure out what to do about that.

And yes you get to control who your son spends time with. You're still the most influential person in your son's life but you have to talk with him. Get some family counseling. Like, get it yesterday.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your family this year and my thoughts are with you. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your wife.

Your son is changing and growing up...awfully fast! At his age, boys need other male mentors beyond their father. They need uncles, coaches, teachers, etc to show them how real men act and take care of their families. I would encourage you to enroll him in a sport (martial arts is always great and never too late to start), or get him involved in some sort of scouts, or early Marines, or anything! Even a job would be helpful.

Not only will these things occupy his time and keep him away from this new crowd, they can help show him how to be a man. I'm certain he has learned a lot of good things from you, but still needs exposure to other mentors.

And you're not overreacting. He has broken your trust and needs to regain it, as well as garnering a better understanding of his responsibilities as a young man. I sincerely wish you and him all the best.

EDIT: And "Real Boys" by Pollack is a great book on raising boys and understanding their thoughts and emotions. :)

First, let me offer my condolences on the loss of your wife. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle through the grieving process.

I would be concerned about these new friends. If he's hanging out with smokers, it's probably only a matter of time before he tries it. If they were smoking outside, no telling what was going on inside (sex, alcohol).

I would definitely encourage your son not to get involved with these kids; they are obviously not a good influence and at this point, your son's life is not his own anymore. Remember how your life kind of got lost once your son was born? Well, welcome him to your world!

Please re-read B's post. It's right on.

Your son needs to be so occupied every moment of day and night that he does not have time to party or see these new friends. At all. Ever.

Time for not only parenting classes but also: A job, to earn money (even if the girl does not keep the child, he should do this and if she does keep it, he's going to owe child support!); extra schoolwork or tutoring so he stays in school and does well enough to get to college because if he's a teen dad he needs a good degree to get a decent job, and if he's no longer a teen dad, he STILL needs a good degree; and enough chores and real responsibilities at home to keep him busy Every. Single. Second.

I would seriously consider whether he should be back at this school if being there means he cannot escape this crowd. If these kids are IN classes with him, get him moved out of those classes. Be tough with the school. The teachers, principal and counselor need to know, now, that there is a culture of "cool guys get girls pregnant" developing. There really are schools where it's considered a mark of manhood to do this, and this school is on that track. Get yourself into the office and get tough with them about it, and either get your son away from these kids or get him into a new school.

One good thing: If HE is the one telling you about these kids' comments -- that is actually excellent because he's communicating with you about this stuff, and I would praise him for that. If he's that kind of kid, and realizes how serious this pregnancy is, then work together WITH him on his grades and a job and not being in with the wrong crowd. If on the other hand he is not caring too much about the pregnancy and feeling like he is indeed cool now that he's gotten a girl pregnant -- you will have to get tough.

Have you asked him why he changed which group of friends he hangs out with? Do you still try to meet the parents of his friends? If your son still talks to you about these things I would think that means he values your opinion. If you haven't been a strict parent and you turn into one now that won't solve things, it could even push him further into a troubled life. If he starts to get huffy with you, remind him he is 15 and that he has aldready done some adult actions and needs to start being more responsible and not continue to be young and stupid like most of his friends. Communication is key though. Good luck in what has to be a difficult time for all.

it sounds like a teen being a teen and hopefully he will make better choices. we all kind of broke away from our parents and explored and discovered where we fit in.

ask him to take an online survey from Meyers Briggs Test or personality tests. and some iq tests. He might discover a thing or two about himself. Most teens arent sure how to respond to a teen pregency. I am sure the stud comments are just guys being guys. The smoking might be cured if he visited ppl with lung cancer...its a horrible way to die...fish out of water. of course he is changing in alot of ways, he is growing up...just guide him and talk to him more on an adult level. most of your guiding and morals should be set in him already. its easier to steer them back on the right path espically if you spin it to where its his choices that he is making for himself the best choices he can make.

I'm going to try to word this carefully, but let me state up front: I'm a church-going SAHM who is VERY PREGNANT...all this adds up to being quite opinionated.

I just want to say YES, you should be concerned. Your 15 year old son is going to be a father!! The question of how this happened, and when, and what could have prevented it are all past. The fact of the matter NOW is that he is going to be a FATHER. He made the choice to take this step, and now he needs to learn how to be a man...not how to be a worse child. He is going to have some very grown up decisions to make in the next 9 months. Going to parties, hanging out with delinquents (sorry - underage smoking doesn't make you a brilliant person)...none of these are going to help him to grow up. He's forfeited his childhood, and replaced it with a sort of pseudo adulthood.

I have read your "answer", and my heart goes out to both of you. You've got a long road ahead of you.

(Also, I'm going to write you a note. Just FYI.)