Son Did Poorly on Spelling Test...

Dear H.,

I think you need to work with him, not against him. The response I'd recommend would be to say as calmly, cheerfully, "Okay, it looks like we're going to need to study hard for the next test. Let's get started."

Basically, think about how you want him to handle adversity and challenges later in life. Do you want him to beat himself up and make life even worse for himself? Punishing models that. Or do you want him to use setbacks as a motivation to do better the next time? If so, model that by not focusing on the last test but making it clear that he has to study very, very hard for the next one.

Hope this helps,

Mira

Hi H.:

Congratulate him with joy and enthusiasm for his accomplishment and, perhaps ask him if there is anything he would do differently next time. To punish him would be instilling fear and low self-esteem. He knows that you are upset with him. Loving self-examination as to why you are(truly) upset may be beneficial for you, him and the parent-child relationship.

All the best,
N.
Holistic Healthcare Provider
www.WholeCreations.com

I certainly would not punish him. Maybe he was tired,
distracted. Cut him a little slack. It is the beginning of the year and he is only in second grade.

Let it go. He is seven years old. Grades should not be an issue if he is doing his best. If you let it turn into a power struggle between you two, it will only create bigger problems in the long run.
You can punish a child for refusing to do his homework, perhaps for doing it poorly on purpose, but not for this, something he has little control over.

In my house we have one rule about schoolwork and grades. If you studied and tried, I and my husband are fine with the results. If you need further help, we are there. But if you didn't study, then we expect 100%. My kids are excellent students and have only momentary periods of laziness. Please don't punish for a second grade spelling test.

What ever you focus on is what you will get more of?

If you punish him for bad grades instead of praising him for trying his best, you will get more bad or disappointing grades from him. Eventually he will not feel encouraged and give up.

Life has enough adversity on its own.

Be your son's champion not challenger. Hope this helps.

You need to find out why he did poorly on the test. It might have nothing to do with him. I would speak to the teacher and tell her that you went over the words at home and he was only stumped on 2. Perhaps another child was distracting him. Or maybe something happened earlier in the day at school that upset him. The teacher will keep an eye on him this week to see why or what is going on that may have caused the poor performance.
I would not punish him,find out what happened first.

You want to punish a 7yr old for misspelling 5 words? See if he knows how to spell "nightmare scenario"

H.:

Keep in mind it is early in the year, most likely with a new teacher. It may take through October to adjust.
As others have said, if he has studied and tried his hardest punishing will not help. If he was not prepared for the test...which in 2nd grade includes studying at home with a parent and getting enough sleep, then adjustments need to be made to improve the study habits.
It is important for your son to know your expectations and how to achieve the goals. Try reviewing the missed words, that way he can be ready for the unit test. If he brings home another poor grade on material he seemed prepared for, you should contact his teacher and set up a meeting.

Good luck! M.

P.S. we have 3yo b/g twins too:)

My oldest daughter just began 6th grade & we have always had high expectations of her w/her schoolwork. The one thing that she did from 2nd grade on in spelling was have flashcards. it was her 2nd grade teacher the suggested it. they really helped out a whole lot and built up her confidence with those words she may have hesitated with. your feelings are completely natural - both my husband & i couldn't understand how our honor roll daughter got a final Math grade of a D+ & that was w/me emailing the teacher, her being sent home w/extra work each night & me going in a few times to meet w/the teacher - we knew she was stuggling & all, but math has become her weak spot - i really believe that each child has at least one, but it doesn't mean that they can't do better. i'm sure u realize how much different school is then when we attended it. by the end of 4th grade my daughter was doing 9th grade math - but where did that get her. good luck w/things.

Personally, I wouldn't punish him. Punishment is for defiance and this is not an outwardly defiance. If you can and would, work with him every night and getting an extra help from Mom with something difficult is a bonding time between you and him and loved-by-a-kid thing on his part. If you punish him, it'll make it more difficult, and he may rebel later on in the years or he may stress out thinking that he will get punished if the grade wasn't what you expect him to have. There are great spellers like myself and there are poor spellers in my family, but find out what his strenths are and use that strenth and him him use those strengths in the weakness area. I always been told this by my parents and I try to do the same iwht my children...if you do the very best you can and really try your hardest, I would be proud with whatever grade you get and if it's poor and the grades go down then I would seek into why and help out the child to get it back on track or at least get the grade that would make him/her feel better that it was hard, but I did the best I could and passed. Satisfied! Try to be easieron him on this subject and work with him every night and I am sure it'll work out. I used to make up a seek the word puzzle on the computer with the vocabulary for the child long time ago and that would help. Sometimes extra time on something helps reinforce it.

Hi H.,
Unless he neglected to do his homework or to study, why would you punish him? Punishment is for wrongdoing. What do you believe that he did wrong? I work in an elementary school and if these are new words, it can take a long time for children to "get" them. My children are now in high school and middle school, and I can tell you that what does help is repetition - using the word in a paragraph or sentence is writing them once. If a child is a poor speller (and the way things are taught, it is no surprise), "test" him on the weekly words each night and have him write any incorrectly spelled ones five times. This is not a punishment, children learn and commit things to memory by repetition.

Punishing a child because of bad grades is the worst thing you can do. It makes them feel intimidated and makes them start hiding things or lying to you out of fear. The best thing you can do is to calmly go over the test with your son. He probably already feels really upset about it, but you need to have him learn to spell the words he missed. In working closly with him, you will find out where the road block is and will be able to correct it. Teach him how to sound the words out or associate the words with another word that he does know that is closely related. Make a game out of spelling...have him go on free internet spelling games. If it's a case of him not studying enough, then teach him how to manage his time.

I dont think you should punish him for bad grades or reward him for good grades. I am guessing you showed him that you were disappointed and Im sure he was too. Perhaps he was having a bad day or another kid was distracting him or the birds were singing outside the window. Who knows? Kids should enjoy school and then they will do well. Too much pressure and he will dread it.

H.,

Drawing him into learning rather than punishing him for trying his best is going to be better overall for him.

You want him to do well now and in the future - don't punish him for something he obviously studied for. Encourage him to do better, give him time to get over getting such a low grade, and then give him a bit of 'lift' by letting him study for the next test, and then gently teasing him into a 'test' at home before his test. I wouldn't make it conditional (to finishing all his words perfectly) but have a glass of milk and a snack while you're doing it. Ten minutes tops for the whole thing. Food will stimulate his brain and he'll work better with it - even if he's just had a heavy meal for dinner - celery logs with ants or cheese shapes or whatever you have for healthy snacks might be a good choice. It's not the snack, it's the time you invest.

Good luck!
M.

If you really think he knew all the words soundly except for 2, ask him if something was going on that day in class. There may have been something that distracted him or upset him beforehand where he lost his focus.

If he seemed to know the words, but you're not sure, you could start giving him practice tests the 2 nights before he has his actual quiz. Any words he gets wrong he has to write 3x or 5x, whatever works for you. Don't treat it as a punishment, just say you are helping him with his spelling homework.

He may have just had a bad day or not been feeling well. Also, some kids are just not spellers. They can be great readers, good with the rest of language arts, but never have the weird spelling rules of the English language sink in.

I haven't dealt with this yet but I'm sure I'm about to, since my son is exactly the same age and grade.

My instinct is to try not to punish at this point. Speak with him to see if he has an idea why he got as many wrong as he did and see if he has any suggestions of what he could do differently the next time to do better (as young as they are, I find that often when I give my son the voice to solve a situation, it often works because he is then part of the solution). You may need to switch up his study approach to see if another way works better for him. Or help him find word games or rhymes or other 'tricks' to help him remember tricky combinations of letters and sounds. His teacher might have some good suggestions.

If it's simply a matter that he's not trying and refuses to study/practice (which doesn't sound like the case), then maybe some punishment/restrictions/ consequences might be in order. Otherwise, I think punishment for bad scores at this age might be counterproductive and create a bad feeling for school in general and tests in particular, which would be really sad to see in someone so young.

Good luck -- now lets see if I'll remember my own words when my time comes! :)

Hi H. --

I have high expectations for my kids, and when they do poorly I know they're disappointed in themselves, just as much as I am. I try not to get upset and instead ask questions to figure out what they think went wrong.

With spelling specifically we reviewed all the words each night and they had to spell them out-loud or write them on paper. It helped.

S.

If you son did poorly b/c he didn't study, then you could consider a punishment, but it seems a little harsh. Telling him that you know he could do better and having him go over his words each day should get the message across.

He's really young and you don't want to create test anxiety where it's not needed! If you live in NYS, your son will start taking state tests next year and those are stressful enough.

Please don't go to the teacher and try to find the "source" of the problem- it's ONE TEST! If you start to see a patter, talk with the teacher. Otherwise, let it go. If you start asking the teacher this early in the year to explain your son's test performance you are openning a can of proverbial worms that you may not want open!

Just make sure to use multiple study methods- flashcards, writing the words, spelling aloud, using the words spelled in every-day-life (grocery list,errand list, etc) so that your son has an understanding of the word, its spelling and its use! Don't stress the little guy out already!

Hi,
I am responding not as a fellow parent this time but as a horrible speller who was pushed and punished and tested and tutored for my poor spelling. I understand now that my mother only wanted me to do well ( I was a great student in all other subjects) but her response to my poor spelling grades made me very self conscious and made me less likely to write creatively and eventually made me hate school. I did not start enjoying school again until I was in high school and a teacher took me aside and told me not to worry about it. In the real world their is Spell Check for documents and letters and there are no spelling tests! She said better to be a poor speller than bad a math where their is no work around. Once I stopped worrying about it and started typing papers and reports my confidence improved. I got great scholarships to go to a top tier university despite my poor spelling and graduated with honors.... so go easy on the kid. Encourage him and support him in his poorer subjects but don't make them a big deal or he will become self conscious and ultimately the problem will become worse. Except his strengths and his weaknesses because He will do fine in life even if he does not turn out to be a good speller!

I agree with Crystal 100%. I am the mother of a 24 and 20 year old. I never pushed my son, he pushed himself to the point of making himself sick to get a perfect score. He was naturally very bright, he was in the gifted program and did very well in school. I remember in first grade, he went to the nurse with a stomach ache before his first spelling test. The nurse call so I picked him up from school. He said he was hungry when we got home so I knew he wasn't sick. I asked him if he was nervous and wanted to practice taking his spelling test. He said yes he was worried he couldn't fold the paper in three's like the teacher requested and was afraid to fail. It broke my heart. We did a practice run and I helped him fold the test paper and then went over the words again and took him back to school. When I spoke with the teacher she told me she would test him then to help him overcome his test anxiety. He did get 100% and that was all he wanted was 100% on everything. His perfectionism became such a disturbance in every aspect of his life. No matter how much my husband and I told him is was okay to make a mistake. He was so driven that he would make himself sick before a baseball game afraid to strike out. He would actually wake up in the middle of the night sometimes because he didn't think he studied enough for his tests. So having high expectations can set your child up for not being able to fail or make mistakes. I would NOT punish him for not doing well. Just talk to him about what happened and if he thinks maybe he should go over the words a little more before each test. If he is being lazy then address it, but if this is just a one time deal then I would let him be. School work is important, however being a failure in your parent's eyes is much more damaging then a bad grade. Children don't always remember your praise, but they will never forget your criticism. I had to get my son counseling to help him work through his perfectionism. It was a result of low self-esteem, which was a result of my divorce and his father abandoning him. Fortunately, I remarried a wonderful man who he called dad and he did overcome it to some degree but it was always a challenge. Just love him for who he is and help him to realize what he can be with a gentle push in the right direction. Good luck!!!

Hi H.,
I have to start by saying punishing him is not the answer. Maybe you need to go back and have him study the words so he learns them.
From here on in I would have him study a few words a night. When he learns them I would have him move on to the next and then review the words from the evening before.
Spelling has always been both my children's poor subject. They had to review the words on a daily basis out of school also.
Good luck.
J.

punish him? did you ever consider that maybe he was not taught? just to memorize? i suspect this is the case with many children because milford schools are removing the spelling test. teach to test removes perhaps what is the child in the process...and the long term results show up in different ways...such as making sense of spelling.
are you able to determine if your son knows the difference between a vowel and a consonant? if my son spells and announces three consonants i will tell him he named three consonants bt is missing a vowel...or we will go over what he spelled and he can figure out that he needs a long vowel sound and therefore a silent e...and so on. has your son learned this by now...my son is also in second grade. not to compare but i have witnessed some homework that relied on memory and i told myself that i would not use my time with my child in such a way and i chose to change the lessons to make sure he learns the material. and...he enjoys it. he is capable of self assessing. he is aware of his learning.
so...punish..why? what if the words were not said clearly? or if there were distractions? or if there was thought that he could be punished and therefore the stress is starting to build? i recently read that there is a concern regarding discussion and comprehension with regard to literacy. play is important. opportunity for children to explore and make sense of how to organize...how to explore and question...how to discover. all this extra emphasis in the schools that reduce play to being irrelevant seems to be missing the boat in my opinion. not only is creative reverie being reduced but one has to wonder if motivation for continuous learning is effected...and if our children will be easily depressed as adults. i am the same person who wants to know where the children are in milford? i do not see them playing on the beach...nor in the playground. free play? new ideas? new acquaintances?
my recommendation is to find out what he really knows and learned along the way. if he is concentrating on getting a 100 and keeps trying to memorize to do so...then i would ask for another method. maybe if all the schools participate in the newer approach to spelling the children will explore the words on the beach and in the playground...and not inside until there is only time left to watch tv or play a video game.
we do not have tv. i am not against it but we do not have time after play. because there are hardly ever any children on the beach i usually play with my son on some days. i always bring things with me...or we may collect stones and later do scientific studies...see if they are crushable...if we can figure out what they are...and vuew them under a microscope...and then try to draw the details which also helps develop ones ability to make spatial relationships and develop tacid knowledge...eye/hand coordination. there are many movies available for those moments when one needs the change. i do not deny them.
i hope this is helpful. my point is that perhaps maybe you can explore more considerations...ask more questions.

Do not punish him for one poor quiz grade...maybe he didn't feel well that day...maybe the classroom was too hot...maybe he was hungry, tired, had to pee or was otherwise distracted at the time. There are so many possible reasons for this one poor score. Talk to him about it...ask him why he thinks he didn't do well...ask him how he thinks he can improve he next test score...remind him of the importance of always doing his best and then drop it. Continue to pay close attention to his school work and don't worry unless it continues to happen regularly. If that should happen, call his teacher.

I am a teacher. I teach high school, not elementary school, but I'm sure that any elementary school teacher would agree with me.

Hi H.,

Truthfully I almost never respond to posts on this site. This one does bring out a strong reaction, though. PLEASE re-think the possibility that you would punish a 7 year old for the results of a spelling test. It's only SECOND grade - and kids, especially at such a young age, need our unconditional support as parents. They don't need to be told by us that their efforts are not appreciated. It sounds like your son studied hard, but for whatever reason, just didn't perform on the day of the test. While you say that you don't expect him to be perfect, it really sounds an awful like you expect almost that. When I was a kid, my parents made it clear that they expected nothing less than A's - and as a result, I spent my childhood having terrible anxiety every single time I had to take a test, or wait to receive a grade result. I would feel that no matter how hard I tried, that didn't matter if the grade wasn't a good one (and I felt that way even though my grades were typically quite good). Honestly, I don't think I ever really recovered from that feeling, as I have always struggled with my self-esteem, even as an adult. The one last thing is that while it is important for kids to work to achieve their full potential in school, there are many, many things that are far more important, like their physical and emotional well-being. I would say being upset for lack of effort is justifiable, but if the effort is there, he deserves your praise rather than you disappointment.

I wish you a lot of luck,
L.

I wasnt going to respond to this b/c I only try and respond to posts that I have first hand knowledge about. My oldest is only in pre-k, so I havent walked down this road yet.

HOWEVER, I can put myself in your sons shoes. My parents had crazy high expectations for me. I did well from K to about 3rd grade. At 4th grade, I began having a little bit of trouble. Instead of 95%, maybe I was at 90%. The first poor grade I brought home, I was punished. No phone, no friends, no TV. And that continued on. I spent more time being grounded, than not grounded. By the time I was in 6th grade I was barely pulling a C+. There was no way I would ask my parents for help, because I was afraid of being grounded AGAIN.

I was very intelligent. I always tested well. But my parents expectations were so far out of reach, I gave up. By the time Freshman year rolled around, I was failing out of classes left and right. My parents were furious. I gave up trying. I wasnt getting into any trouble. I was a good kid. I had a good head on my shoulders. I just didnt try in school. I didnt see what the point was.

I did pull it together my sophomore and junior years. And that was thanks to a phone call from my aunt. She gave me the words of encouragement I needed. That I wasnt getting from my parents. I did graduate. BARELY.

Had my parents been on my side when I was slipping in the 4th grade, my story would have had a different outcome. I needed some positive reinforcement. I needed some extra help. I needed some encouragement. I didnt need to be punished. I didnt need to be grounded.

So I think now is your chance to show your son that you are behind him 100%. Let him know that no matter what grade he achieves, he can come to you for help. Without fear of being punished.

Perhaps before he gets in front of the TV or the computer, you can suggest the two of you go over his spelling words for the week. Let him know you are there for him. Now is your chance to build a nice strong foundation.

Best of luck.