yesterday.... a neighbor called and wondered if i was going to be home for awhile. she wanted to leave her 11 year old home alone while she ran her 13 year old to his sporting event. she just wanted to make sure i was nearby while she was gone.
i offered for him to come over instead of staying home alone. (i think 11 is too young to be home alone but that's me)
he comes walking over with a handful of video stuff... a controller, maybe a game or two. he frequently hauls stuff over when he comes.
he breezes by me, meets my 11 year old son at the foot of the stairs, whispers something to him and they head upstairs to where the video games are.
my radar perks up that something was going on.
(last week my son was over at their house and they played a "M" rated game that i wasn't aware of. very violent, very graphic. the mother says she does't like it but what can she do? sigh. another story for another time)
so i thought... that kid just snuck that game in here!
but i thought... i'll wait a bit and go and see what they're up to. he might have. he might not have.
give him the benefit of a doubt. before i could do that... i hear some running, some yelling, and my 7 year old son's door slams shut.
my 11 year comes down and says "My brother is going to ruin this playdate! He's doing to tell you a secret!"
i say, "What? That the neighbor kid snuck in that "M" game into this house without asking my permission?"
he gets all big-eyed and goes.... "yes. i told him we can't play it"
i told my son that was the right way to handle it but i was going to have to call the neighbor kid's mom.
i did. i told her he snuck it into the house but i haven't done anything about it yet. i asked what she wanted to do. did she want to talk to him after he brought it home or did she want me to say something now. i wanted her input before i did anything.
she told me to talk to him.
i walk upstairs. i ask him about the game. he says... what? i ask him again. he says... what?
i ask him a third time and mention that i called his mom. he fesses up.
i told him this.... "dude you can bring things over here but you have to ask. next time you sneak something into this house, it will be the last time you come into this house."
he said sorry.
the rest of the time he was here... they had a good time.
she came to pick him up and apologized over and over. i told her no big deal. he just has to ask. kids are kids, etc.
on the way out the door he was already telling her that he asked her permission but she must not have heard her, that his brother knew he had it, etc.
i think... here we go with the spin. (this happens a lot)
at this point... i'm like.. whatever.
she calls later on and leaves me a ten minute rambling message that her son really didn't do anything wrong. he said it was going to be okay since the younger son of mine was going to be in his room like he always is... which is not true. my boys play all together. she also said that apparently he asked her permission but she didn't hear him... but he did... she went on and on .... excusing his behavior. she even tried to angle the blame onto my oldest son.
i couldn't even listen to the entire message.
blood starting to boil.
i called her back but she didn't pick up. i left a short message... hey .. talk to you tomorrow.
we spoke again today... i called to warn her that her back gate might not be shut.. different neighbor went through it to fetch his loose dog (me... being a good neighbor!)
she was in her car with her boys... and she starts in on how her boy is innocent, etc. and again how my boys were some how part of it...
i cut her off... i asked if i was on the speaker phone in her car.
she said i was.
i told her i'd catch her later and hung up.
i'm not going to discuss it with her kids listening.
in fact, i'm tired of her keeping this going.
i don't care what that kid may have intented to or not do.
he snuck it in the house! he did not ask permission.
am i wrong to not be absolutely furious about this?
as far as i'm concerned... her kid has talked his way out of getting in trouble and she's angling for me to excuse his behavior as well. as well as admit my kids did something wrong.
she's going to bring it up again.
any advice on what to say?
i have to live next to this family for a long time!
Ladies! Thank you for all of your advice and help. I'm a bit late in telling you what happened... because not much has.
My neighbor has called twice for unrelated reasons and while i was pleasant to her ... she didn't bring it up ... which surprised me. she usually doesn't let anything go... you know what i mean?
i do want to clarify that it was well known that i don't allow "m" rated video games in my home and my boys are not to play them. my oldest was invited over to his house the previous week and told me on his return that he played it. i had a discussion with her at that time about how i didn't feel it was right for my son, etc. this was when she told me that she didn't know much about the game (hello? internet?) and "what could she do anyway? her husband bought it for them."
hence... the deception and sneaking on her son's part.
i have spoken to my son as to his part in trying to avoid letting me know it was in the house.
between my husband and i, we have agreed to distance the boys. they already see each other at school and at church. we can't avoid these people for ever. but i can control how much they play with each other.
thanks again. you are all wonderful!
I would just cut her off with a laugh and say its already been dealt with for her not to worry. Then start to talk about something else immediately......she should get the hint. If not walk away like you just received a phone call!
Actually, I wouldn't be furious over something like this. What is weird is that it is still an issue. To me, this is a "my house/my rules" thing.
I would let said neighbor blather on and my response would be, "Trixie, regardless of parental permission, Troy knows that he is not allowed to play M rated games at my house. Now you know too. I hope it doesn't happen again." Then drop it, change the subject. Don't critique her parenting skills or choices - that is not your place.
'
I'd be furious too. It seems like the 2 of you both have very different parenting styles and values. To keep the peace, the next time she brings it up say something like, "A mistake was made, let's put it behind us. However, although I appreciate your sharing, I think it would be best if they just played with the games we have here in the house".
Hipmama-
Absolutely furious? Naaaah.
1. Make sure the kid knows the rules for your house.
2. Make sure your kid knows that there will be consequences if you find him with M games or playing M games, no matter whose house. Looking at this objectively, your son may not be as innocent as you think. He just knew what to tell you so he didn't get in trouble and the blame was placed on the other kid.
3. When the other kid comes over, don't allow video games. That makes it very simple. The weather is getting better. Play outside. Bring your mitt and ball. Go to the park. Play a board game. Surprisingly, my son loves board games.
I would tell your neighbor that to avoid this in the future, no video games when the kids are together.
I think it's great that you are holding your ground.
S.
Maybe I missed something....but I don't see anywhere in your post where you told him that "M" video games weren't aloud in your house until AFTER you found out.
Just set the rules out. He comes over with stuff and you say, "hey, bob! let me check all the stuff you got there!" Then go through it all and make sure you don't see anything. He will get used to your rules. Your house, your rules.
Next time mom calls just say, "Alice, we have different rules in our house about what is allowed with video games. I discussed it with Bob, so now he knows! No harm, no foul. I know he will respect our house rules!"
L.
I say move to Tahiti... or another beautiful place :)
Seriously, you totally handled it rightly. From what you wrote she is oblivious to her son's manipulation.
My son just hit another kid with a bat! Yes, that is extremely dangerous. My neighbor came over to tell me about it and I apologized to her over it. He is totally punished over this! He gave me two different lies on it and hurt another boy. I don't care if the other boy said to jump off a bridge... if my son hits him in any sense other than self-defense, he is getting punished! I told him that he is to never use a bat unless there is an adult around!
Ugh.
So what you did is totally respectable and just the right thing to do!
Good for you!
.
It is very sad in these times that parents allow this garbage to be in their homes. I bought my daughter a cassette tape one time that she really wanted. I had never heard of the artist and thought it would be okay. It was disgusting and I took it right back to the store and they gave me a refund. If a parent allows their kids to do things unacceptable and just says "Oh well, what can I do"? They really have no idea how to parent.
Here are some options:
Next time, and every time after, stop him at the door and take everything away. He came over to play at your house and he can just play with what you have. If he really was just coming over for a few minutes while his mom ran someone to an activity he didn't need all that stuff.
Do not allow him to go to the kids rooms, when he is visiting they have to stay in family rooms. My BFF has a son that I don't let him go into the kids rooms, he hits/smacks my granddaughter and his sister. He won't have the opportunity to do that at my house.
Just say he can stay home and you'll keep an eye out for anything abnormal. He really is old enough to watch himself for a few minutes. When he turns 12 he is legally old enough to babysit.......yes, babysit. God help the child he babysits.
I agree, you handled it beautifully. Hopefully, some time will go by and all will be forgotten. I have a neighbor whose son is my 'fourth' child, always here. His mother and I are VERY different parents, our boys are VERY different boys. Over the years there have been clashes, but we have managed to work it all out. The boys are 15 now, occasionally the neighbors kid will say or do something we don't allow here, I will always correct him, it does not concern me that my son is friends with this child. More of US has worn off on HIM than the other way around. Btw, I adore his mother as a person, I just strongly disagree with her parenting style. We are very close friends, I never say SEE THIS is why your kid has this issue or that problem and MINE don't. We try to enjoy each other company without too much kid discussion. To be honest, I tend to be a clingy Mom (working on that), something about her makes me relax and realize everything's gonna be OK! Have a great day!
