Smoking - San Diego,CA

If he smokes in the house it will be irrelevant whether he smokes while you are there or not. It is already part of the house.

Stay in a hotel.

Just ask him to smoke outside, and not near the baby. My in-laws are smokers and I had no hesitation setting the ground rules for this. He'll probably understand anyway.

Stay in a hotel unless he agrees to smoke outside, meet up with him in public non smoking places.

You can't ask him to quit for 3 days, but you can politely ask him to keep it away from the baby. He probably will anyway.

You can't.

To understand addiction, hold your breath.

Don't breathe.

That feeling? The entire all body MUST feeling? That's what is known as a craving. If you trust your husband (both to do it ANd let go ;), have him pinch your mouth and nose shut so you can't breathe until you're flailing. Hitting kicking thrashing, trying to get free.

THAT is acute withdrawal.

Your brain reacts the same way whether it's oxygen withdrawal or nicotine. It is the DEFINITION of an addictive substance, that your brain CANNOT tell the difference between oxygen (or water, which is a 2 day experiment for empathy you can do instead). It's NOT A WANT, but a need.

The first 3 days are the worst (flailing, thrashing), and with some substances (alcohol, some street or Rx drugs) the deadliest, as the brain goes into seizure.

You're proposing to visit during THOSE 3 days.

The next 2 years are touch and go... But the first 3 days, and the 6mo mark (post acute withdrawal syndrome hits there, often accompanied with PPD like depression, delusions, and suicide).

You are literally asking a HUGE thing. Like 'Drown your baby, you can always have another.' kind of huge. After all parents lose kids all the time, right?

Your FIL may or may not choose to go through the hell of quitting, but it's something that he'll have to do on his own.

If it eases your mind at all, living in SD, you baby is already 'smoking' the equivalent of 2 packs a day in air pollution (mostly from cars). Seattle, SF, Portland, Boston, etc are similar. LA & NYC are worse -about 3-, Mexico city between 5&6, Beijing is over 15 at this point).

UNLESS your baby is allergic (rarer than peanuts, but it does happen, and you'll know) the particulates in the air from a single smoker are less than what are in a garage after simply driving in and turning your engine off. FAR less than what she's breathing in the backseat running errands. You just don't smell it, because you're used to it. Whenever I'm Backcountry for a few weeks my eyes are streaming and I can't stop coughing for DAYS when I get back to the city. Then my brain accommodates to the stew we live in and the air smells 'fresh' again. :P

It's 3 days. I'm with your husband. Knowing their grandfather is more important than a smell that takes DECADES of daily exposure to do any damage.

Ask him if he would prefer to smoke outside while you visit or have you stay in a hotel.... but then you are left to visit elsewhere. It is possible he will refuse to smoke outside. And if you think about it, even if he does, since he regularly smoked indoors, the whole house will reek and his upholstery, curtains etc will still smell like smoke. Even if you get your husband to understand, that does not mean FIL will listen. Do you think it is possible that your husband knows his father well enough to know he won't change his ways for your visit and he is just trying to make you change your mind instead? I have a lot of smokers in my family....I can't go to their houses with my child. They think my concerns are ridiculous and they say things like, 'we smoked around you as a baby/kid and you turned out fine.' Good luck.

I agree that it's best to keep your child away from cigarette smoke as much as possible.

You can't ask expect someone to moderate or change their behavior in their own home. You CAN -- kindly, politely & respectfully -- talk about it with him and let him know that, because of the smoking & your realization that it's his home so he should be allowed to behave as he likes there, you and your family will stay in a hotel.

If he were to visit your home, I absolutely agree that you could ask him not to smoke in your house, but he's not. You're visiting him.

We each need to set boundaries for ourselves. We each need to be respectful of the choices of others.

My husband smokes. He has never been aloud to smoke in the house, although he has in the past a few times. It takes me about 2 seconds to walk in and smell it. I can even smell it if he smokes in the garage, while I am inside.

He has always claimed to be considerate of others, however, rather nonchalant about it. I felt like I was forever telling him...CIGARETTE!

My husband is a recovered alcoholic with a drug past. One night at a Roger Waters concert, someone was smoking a few rows away from us, but it wasn't cigs. My husband was so upset that he had to breath someone's smoke. All I could tell him was that is how we feel when we breath your smoke. He is now a kinder smoker.

It doesn't matter if he smokes outside those 3 days or doesn't. Its in his house! You can't get rid of it period. Its in the air, couch, clothes, etc. If your in there for a few hours you will leave smelling like cigarettes. Your baby will too. All your clothes and all you brought. Can you imagine how bad it'd be for 3 days?

Its like when your around a campfire for a little while, you smell like it afterwards right? Same thing.

Best thing is to tell your hubby you would love to go visit but you NEED to stay in a hotel. That way you can visit his father and avoid it as much as possible. You could try and stay out of the house as much as possible too.

Go on outings and invite him along. Oregon coast is beautiful, they have great zoos, aquariums, etc that You could do to make this into a "mini" vacation. That baby doesn't need to be in a smoke filled environment the entire time. Its not healthy. Its about priorities, and your baby comes first!

L.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

My husband is a smoker. You can't force them to quit. He doesn't smoke in the house and people who come to my home knowing my husband smokes cannot smell smoke in the house.

However, your FIL smokes at his house. You cannot ask him to stop smoking at HIS house. What you CAN do is stay at a hotel. You might be able to ask him to refrain from smoking inside the house - but again - it's HIS house.

If you feel so strongly about this. Take your husband to the pediatrician with you and have the pediatrician tell him the affects of smoking around your newborn.

To be honest. My kids are fine. One has seasonal allergies...the other is fine. It's hard being a new parent and wanting to protect your child from everything!! Maybe you can ask your FIL to come to you and ask him NOT to smoke in the house? that might be a compromise.

CONGRATULATIONS on your new son!!

I don't know about your FIL, but I think most reasonable people today know that they are not supposed to smoke around babies. My guess is that your FIL will just naturally go outside to smoke when you are visiting. If not, you can politely take your baby outside or to a different room while he smokes.

The house is going to smell regardless. Even if he doesn't smoke inside while you're there, your clothes and your baby will probably pick up the smell from the furniture, carpet, etc.

In three days, the worst that's going to happen to your baby is his clothes are going to smell like stale cigarette smoke. I would just make the sacrifice to preserve your family relationship. Your FIL will seriously appreciate all the time he got to spend with you and your son, and all you have to deal with is a little laundry.

I HATE cigarette smoke. I could not stay for any length of time in a home where someone smoked, let alone with a newborn. Personally I wouldn't budge on going there unless FIL did it outside. I have made a big deal out of my hatred of cigarette smoke so my husband knows it would be a deal breaker for me. Let your husband know that you are not willing to budge, so he needs to talk to his dad to make sure he will smoke outside while you guys visit.

Hi L., I hear I have a 6 month old gransone and my son and his girlfriend will not even let people who smoke hold, because the smoke is in their clothes. Myn sister came to visit when he was only a couple months old and they were going to tell her that the pediatricin said the baby can breath in the smoke just from the clothing. Honestly my advice to you would be to have them come visit you, the smoke I'mn sure in in the furniture, the carpet the drapes, i would not want to take my baby in there, and you can't really tell someone what they can or can not do in their home. Go to the peditrician tell him/her your concerns and have him confirm your worries with a not, or some litature of the dangers of the smake being around the baby. J.

I would make your views very clear to your husband. If need be, pull some articles from the internet for him to review about the dangers of second hand smoke. Stand your ground. You are doing the right thing by not wanting your baby to be exposed to smoke.

As a smoker, I can understand that it is hard for someone to quit. But as a parent, aunt, and someone who loves their family in general, I refuse to let anybody smoke in my house. And like Michelle said, the curtains and upholstery are going to be covered in smoke and residue to begin with. Depending on your relationship with your FIL, you may be able to voice your concerns to him, and I would definitely look into staying in a hotel instead. But on the other hand, maybe this will be the perfect opportunity for your FIL to finally quit smoking =)

** a few sites to help your husband understand how dangerous it is for your LO**

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/08/060818010900...
http://www.livestrong.com/article/529495-what-are-the-dan...
http://www.ehow.com/facts_###-###-####_dangers-second-han...
http://voices.yahoo.com/second-hand-smoke-babies-758245.html

Hotel is the only answer. It's not OK to expect your FIL to not smoke, and it's not OK to have your baby around the smoke. How to make your husband understand? Beats me if he's anything like mine. Mine has selective health beliefs.

Maybe if you are very gracious, like, "We cant' wait to see you, were so excited, just so we're all more comfortable wit the smoking issue, we'll stay at a hotel" he'll volunteer to smoke only outside-but even then, the house will be so stinky.

If you can't afford a hotel, I'd find an excuse not to go.

The weather is beautiful, he can step outside and smoke for 3 days. I would ask him kindly, or have your husband do so, or consider staying in a hotel.

I smoke, and I would never have my kids stay in a house where people smoked inside. I would never let my bad habit effect my kids health.

When you go on your visit, stay in a hotel.
It's his house, it's his habit.
You don't tell people what to do in their own homes.
If he smokes inside, the whole place is going to smell.
It gets into/onto every surface and your child will be in contact with the residue even if he doesn't light up while you are there.
He might get insulted no matter what you do, but staying in a hotel is the path of least exposure.

Six of my siblings grew up in a house with smokers. There are still six of us alive without (so far resultant issues). We are aged 61 and down. smoking is horrible, we did find out how harmful it can be and contributes to many illnesses. But if you are visiting FIL 's house, short of renting a motel and not staying there, perhaps you could ask him to limit it to outside and make sure all the windows are open all the time? I am sure he doesn't like being a smoker any more than you like going there to a smoker's house.

I agree with Molly and I also smoke sometimes, I would not want my baby around this environment especially at 6 months. Breathing in second hand smoke would be out of the question (my dad tries to smoke when we take walks with my son outside and I freak out), but even just as far as staying in the house that is already stunk-up with cigarette smell, it is just nasty. Do I think 3 days of being in this environment (again to clarify, with FIL smoking outdoors) would do any damage to your baby? No, I don't. But I also remember how super-sensitive I was when my son was a baby to smells and cleanliness. Who wants a precious, clean, pure little baby in a nasty place like that? Don't be afraid to stand your ground. It is part of learning how to be a mom, it isn't easy though! Good luck.

You can't dictate what your FIL does in his OWN home!
Stay at a hotel or compromise by asking him IF he would MIND smoking outside only while you're there--in a nice way.

I grew up with on my dad's side of the family.... my grandma chain smoked, my pops smoked cigars, my dad, 3 uncles and 1 aunt smoking... when all in the house together it was like a concert when they let off the fog machines.

On my mom's side.. my grandma chain smoked ( yes even while holding us), my uncle, then throw in the " in laws" I had 2 uncles and an older cousin all smoking.

Every weekend about 5 families would get together every weekend and play cards while us kids ran around and played.. in and outside of the house. More than half of them smoked.

My dad smoked in the house while we were growing up and to this day. So it has been an every day thing for me growing up and being an adult breathing in the smoke.

My brothers, cousins ( I have close to 30 cousins) and I ... except one cousin... none of us have asthma, breathing problems.. I'm the only one who has allergies in the spring out of my whole family on both sides. Will any of us have lung cancer when we are older, I can't answer that. But right now my aunts and uncles are in thier upper 50's and 60's and none of them have it. Neither one of my grandmothers had it. My pops did have it, but that could also have been from the factory he worked at also not just the cigars he smoked or maybe is was from the cigars... who can tell.

So honestly I think your little one will be ok for 3 days being in a house that someone has smoked in. Im sure if you ask your fil to smoke in only one room that will be away from your child or outside he gladly would. Not all of us smokers only think about ourselves and are rude. We understand where nonsmokers come from and we get that while it affects others ( like you being in thier house) nondirectly most of us will remove ourselves to smoke so the smoke isn't affecting you directly.

Calm down some and enjoy your visit... those 3 days aren't going to have severe ever lasting affects on your child... not any more than living in or visiting a large city for 3 days will!

Just stay in a hotel. You can ask your FIL to stop for 3 days, but he doesn't have to---it's his home. Also, everything in his home will have a strong smoke odor. Hopefully the weather will be nice and you can spend a lot of time outside!

I suggest you talk to your doctor. Ask him/her how much damage could be done (this is for your information only); in addition, ask your doctor to arm you with information to give to your smoking relatives. Your baby's grandpa will have to decide for himself whether to quit smoking for a few days or not. What is your Plan B if he says no?

Yes, you may offend your FIL and your husband. If this is that important to you, you'll have to take that risk. Talk sweetly, lovingly, firmly, and intelligently, and don't raise your voice even if everyone else does.

The best-case scenario may be that Grandpa will *try* not to smoke while the baby is visiting him. Nicotine is one of the strongest addictions around, and three days without a cigarette may seem a lifetime to him.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/08/060818010900...
http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/shs.html
http://copd.about.com/b/2009/01/08/third-hand-smoke-bring...
http://copd.about.com/od/quittingsmoking/a/secondhandsmok...

http://www.ivillage.com/second-hand-smoke-exposure-and-yo...

The last link suggests opening and windows, etc in an effort to reduce the effects, but the first set of links basically indicate that doing so only helps minimally (with the 2nd hand smoke itself, not at all with 3rd hand smoke).

Stay in a hotel. Or invite him to YOUR home and make it clear that smoking is only allowed outside.

Stay in a hotel!

You are RIGHT to want to avoid subjecting your baby to smoke! Not only that, but recent studies on "third-hand smoke" (the smoke that lingers on clothes and in hair long after the smoker has put his cigarette out) showed even it could be very harmful to children, and that smokers should shower and change their clothing before handling young children. So imagine the damage second-hand smoke can do! Smoking around kids has been linked to all sorts of health problems, including asthma.

Your first and most important responsibility is to protect your little one. So stay in a hotel, because the chances of convincing your FIL that he cannot smoke in his own home are slim to none. His house will be filled with third-hand smoke, since he smokes inside. You and your family will come out smelling of smoke, just as though you had been smoking.

I will add that I cannot even sit next to someone who smokes. I have allergies, and in college, if someone came and sat down next to me in the lecture hall, I would have to get up and move or risk severe headaches and nausea for the rest of the day. I know many people are not as sensitive as I am. Everyone has different tolerance-levels for smoke. I just think your baby is a bit young to find out where his is...

It's not reasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home. If he were visiting you, then yes, it's totally reasonable.

It IS your responsibility to protect your child and second hand smoke is very harming to anyone. That being said, the body can usually handle small attacks in small dosages. If you started to live with him permanently, then it would be a whole different story.

If he smokes inside, then yes, then perhaps get a hotel room. Explain to him that you love him, but need to decrease the carcinogenic exposure to your new baby...and finish with, "I hope you understand."

I grew up without smoking at all in my family, but wherever we went, there was smoke and the bowling alley, you couldn't even see the other side, there was so much smoke. I don't have allergies or asthma, but those things are multi-faceted.

Just remember to handle this with love and not an ultimatum. Your husband loves his dad and doesn't want to hurt him. Men are very protective of their parents....to a fault sometimes. Just because your husband hasn't died of cancer, doesn't mean exposing your child to it will render the same outcome. Be gentle to both men, keeping your child safe, as well.

I'd stay in a hotel if possible. Cigarette smiking is a filthy habit, and even smokers know it. Even if he were to stop smoking while you were there (three days is a long time, btw, to not smoke) it's in the walls and furniture. I don't think it's fair to ask him not to smoke while you're there; it is his home.

I understand your feelings though. My in-laws were all (4 of them) smokers. Even when they'd come over to visit our new baby, they reeked of smoke, and I didn't even want them to hold him.

Second hand smoke is horrible for everyone, especially children. BUT: you cannot dictate how anyone else acts, especially in their own home. Insisting on certain behaviors will just cause hard feelings.

What I would do is rent a hotel room, and, if weather permits, try to spend most of your time with Grandpa outdoors. If that's not possible, grit your teeth and leave the house whenever it's too much for you, and try to rent a room next time. It's OK to tell your father in law why as long as you are calm and keep it simple, instead of being resentful and angry.

My mother is a smoker. Do yourself a favor and stay at a hotel! Even if FIL agrees to not smoke, or not smoke inside while you are there, his entire house will still be covered in smoke residue and REEK of smoke. It is nearly impossible to get the stench out of upholstery and carpets... and it covers the walls, ceilings, floors, drapings etc... my mother has to paint her apartment every 2 years because the walls discolor from the smoke!

That said, she also agreed to stop smoking when she stayed with us when DD was a baby: not one cig for three months! So even if he has been smoking a pack a day for 20 + years... if he wants it, he could help you out. I guess when people want it bad enough, they CAN stop... so I call poppycock on the nicotine addiction. That is just an excuse. There are substitutes out there that help with withdrawal symptoms (mom used lozenges)...if you want it bad enough. I used to smoke long before I was married, my DH stopped smoking shortly after we were married... seriously...it not like it's brain surgery, you can do it if you want to.

BTW...whether or not it is dangerous for your baby to be exposed for three days... who knows... but it certainly isn't good for him and just plain gross for all the non-smokers.

stay in a motel. it is unreasonable to ask someone not to smoke at all for several days. It is already in his home too so even if her didnt for 3 days your lo would still be exposed. do request that he do not smoke immediately around your child. Offer to take the baby away from where he wants to smoke when he needs to. Try to do as much as possible outside of his home to limit exposure.

I would stay at a hotel if he smokes indoor and always has. Everything will smell and if he is smoking while you are there your little one shouldn't be around that. If staying at a hotel you can all meet places and avoid the smoke/smell all together. You guys can tell him that you are staying at a hotel because you don't want to inconvence him to have to give up smoking for his grandchilds sake for the days you are there. He may decide to not smoke but the smell may still be there which is awful, or be ok with you guys at a hotel in a non-smoking room. Best of luck.

If I were you I insist in getting a hotel near your FIL home. Go for few hour visits then go back to your hotel. That way you won't offend anyone. Good luck!