Smart Mouth 5 Year Old

Hi A. -

Well, before you dial 411 for SuperNanny, know that this is very common. Annoying as hell, but common. I have a six-year-old daughter (and a 15-year-old son) and we're going through this, too.

What I did with my son, and am doing with my daughter is this:

1) When she whines or complains, I calmly tell her I cannot hear her and explain to her that she must use a tone of voice that is appropriate. If necessary, I model it -- "Mom, could you please help me make a snack?" instead of "Maaaaaaaaam, I'm hungry! Get me something to eat!!!"

2) If she bursts into the room whining or with a demand, I tell her she has to leave the room, come back in, and try again.

3) When she 'gets smart' with me, I explain to her that I do not like that tone and will not talk to her when she uses that tone with me. IGNORE HER. Often this smart talk is purposely provocative to get our attention -- so, don't let it 'work'!

4) If she gets really sassy, tell her, calmly, that she has to go to her room until she speak pleasantly with you. Don't get mad, just temporarily banish her. ;)

5) Remember that kids at this age are normal in their narcissism. The world really is all about them! So, do cut her some slack. The verbal world is still quite new to her, and she's trying out 'her legs'.

6) Finally, make sure that YOU are not speaking to HER in demanding or whining ways. Sadly, we often model the wrong behavior -- I know I do it, too!

Good luck!

J.

Oh, yes. We called it the "school tone". I remember telling our daughter that little girls with an ugly tone and sassy lips don't get to do the fun things they like to do. You have to make clear that this behavior is not acceptable or it will only get worse. I don't recall having the same consequence every time the tone was used. I think I just had to evaluate each instance and take swift action. For example, if I asked her to put a toy away and she gave me some lip, I took the toy away and she would have to sit out for a while (my words for time-out). Or if she was using her tone to express her dislike in the dinner menu, she would have to sit out, reword, apologize and depending on the severity of the tone, maybe miss out on dessert.

Maybe somebody will have more consistent advice for you because I know that consistency is such an important thing for kids. I just found that every instance with sass was different and as long as I dealt with it swiftly and in some cases severely, she learned that I wasn't messin' around and being ugly will never get her what she wants.

She is now 7.5 and we still have our moments, but she knows I mean business when I say I don't like her tone. She fixes it quickly and we can move on with whatever her concerns are.

Good luck!

Sounds like she is being influenced by kids at school...it is SO fun when they learn new ts from their bad habits from their peers.

Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate that kind of talk in your house. Be sure to mimic her words and tone of voice so she understands what you are talking about. Explain to her why speaking that way is not a good habit to get into and the trouble it can get her into with others, not just you. Use gentle reminders and continue to mimic as a warning then move on to timeouts or take away priveledges if she persists and give priveledges back to reward her for progress (x # days without smart talk).

The main problem is that she feels this talk is "normal" since her peers are speaking that way. You need to really impress on her that it is not normal or nice. She may be acting this way to gain the respect/friendship of a certain child at school who acts in this manner. I would ask to observe the classroom before starting with any plan to figure out what the root of her behavior could be. Talk to her and ask why she feels like she needs to speak this way.

This is a behavior you need to stop and it will pop up repeatedly as she grows up so you will have to remind her that smart talk is not tolerated at home. Kids always speak differently with their friends and schoolmates than they do at home, but they need to act decent and respectful with adults. This is a tough concept for kids to understand. Good luck!

I think it's a five year old phase. I try to be nonreactive first, because whatever they see pushes your buttons, they do more of.

I say, "I am sure you can find a nice way to ask for that" or "I will be able to listen when you tell me about your feelings in a normal voice". then just wait... if the sass continues repeat it. I also use, "In our family when we (are frustrated, or whatever the situation) we _______" because kids don't always identify what they are feeling or remember what you want them to do about it. Make sure that when you are expressing your own emotions, you are role modeling appropriate words to say and giving her the vocabulary to use as well.

A friend of mine has his children "redo" if they are ill mannered. He just calmly says, "I think we need a redo on that." I started something similar but use the words "we need to practice that". I notice it ebbs and flows....sometimes they seem to get it and other times the "redos" are one after the other. I make sure to praise my daughter and let her know I appreciate when she is polite.

you might try asking her teacher if there are things they do in class to reinforce polite/respectful talk and then try using similar strategies at home. My kids seem more motivated to be on better behavior for their teachers than for their parents (did you see the series of Baby Blues comics that contrasted the polite, helpful "School Kid" to the grumpy ill-mannered "Home Kid"?) and I find that when I use the same phrases their teachers use or say something like "I thought kindergarteners used more polite words", it *sometimes* motivates them to use their "school" manners. I'll also try to respond by saying "can you try that again in your polite voice?" or "do you mean, 'Mom, can I please have a snack'?" instead of either granting their request or blowing up at them for their rudeness (can't honestly claim to be successful in this *all* the time, though!)
good luck!

Hi A.!

My son did the same thing as your daughter when he began Kindergarten. I think it's confidence in themselves.

When my son began Kindergarten, he developed a little "smart mouth" as well. Come to find out, he felt very "smart" because he was in big school and was learning alot of new things. To "recover" from this, I needed to show him who was boss in the house.........ME! This child was my youngest, and he was the easiest to cry, so it didn't take much to get him on track :o) It required consistently (and a few tears at first) but, after telling him each and every time that he cannot talk to mommy that way, he began to ease his mouth.

It's hard to "boost confidence" yet discipline a "smart mouth", but that's where the problem seems to be.....at least for my son :o)

Good Luck, A.!

:o) N.

I also have a 5 year-old whose smart mouth developed over the summer (in camp and a bit anxious about the change to kindergarten). I agree with lots of the advice you have received so far, especially the following:
-- She's five; she's testing boundaries and you need to let her know your family rules for how people speak to each other. She needs to understand that whining, using unkind words, etc., will never result in her getting what she wants from you. I often need to remind my son about the difference between asking a question and issuing an order (and that tone counts, too). Sometimes I take what he said and rephrase it for him and ask him to repeat the "new" way of saying what he is trying to communicate.
-- Even tougher (for me, anyway) is to make sure you speak to both her *and your partner* in the way you want your daughter to speak. That's really hard for me when I'm irritated w/ my poor hubby.
-- Let her know that it's hard for you to understand her when she doesn't use her normal voice; you can understand her normal voice quite well.
-- React calmly because an emotional reaction signals to the child that what she did is a surefire way to get attention.
-- When all is calm, talk to her about kindergarten. Ask whether she is having fun, who she likes playing with, etc. You won't get much, but you might get some insight into whether something is making her feel sad or insecure.
-- Let your daughter know that you would love to hear what she wants to tell you when she is ready to use a respectful tone/use her normal voice/use nice words --whatever the issue--, and that, until then, you will be in the living room, or wherever.
While the techniques listed above have helped, and my son's behavior has improved considerably, he is still a five year-old who is, therefore, wired to test boundaries as he tries to become his own little person. For the life of my, I cannot understand what all the fuss about the supposed terrible twos was about! I hope some of this helps.

My favorite words were always "I can't hear you when you speak like that"

Dear A.,
All I can say is that you really have to meet this situation head on, because if you don't, you will have an even worse smart mouth 15 year old. My daughter also became sassy at times, (but her little brother never did...he's 13 now and tries it from time to time, but it never gets him anywhere).
Learning to assert themselves is not a bad thing...unless it's rude and disrespectful. They can keep it to themselves. Being around other kids can have something to do with it, but, it doesn't really matter. What YOU consider appropriate behavior in the classroom, in the grocery store, at home, etc, has nothing to do with anyone or anything else. Our kids need to know that if the teacher doesn't do anything or other parents don't do anything, it doesn't matter.....a level of respectful behavior is expected whether at school or a birthday party or at home. It doesn't matter what other kids say or how they behave. It doesn't matter if they get away with it or not. YOU will not tolerate it from YOUR child. Period.
My daughter was extremely intelligent and precocious from the very beginning. Not bad things if channelled correctly. For instance, my daughter loved the show, "Full House". She and her friends thought it was so cute or funny when Michelle said, "Duh!" I didn't find it cute or funny when I couldn't even ask her to wash her hands without her saying DUH!, but in a snippy way. First, I grounded her from TV and then, I made her put money from her piggy bank in a jar every time she said it. I tried letting her know I didn't like her saying it, but when she could see her money going into my jar, plus, she wasn't allowed to watch that show anymore....that's when she got it.
I mean no offense....reflective listening has it's place..., but not when your kid is being a snippy little poop-head. I'm not saying to lose your cool, but you have to nip that crap right in the bud. Pronto. Especially for kids that are intelligent. They're smart enough to know what they are trying out on you....They are smart enough to know, and understand what NO WAY means. They need to understand that part FIRST. First comes a consequence for it. Then, you can talk about why they felt the need to behave that way. If they say they heard it from another kid, you can explain that what works for one kid doesn't work for all kids and all it will get YOUR kid, is in trouble. If they say they were mad...that's okay. Everybody gets mad. You can say you are mad, but you can't be a brat. If you're mad....you need a time out until you can talk about it without being rude.

Just be diligent about it and it will be fine. Kids will push the rules and boundaries and they really do want you to make those rules and boundaries clear.

Hello, I may be a bit late but my daughter (6 now) was lying and being what I called "sassy" I do NOT put up with the tone of voice sarcasm and just out right rude behavior. I didn't know what to do, i didn't want to punish her I wanted to teach her, so I started saying "hey that was sassy" even if I was in the other room and then I would repeat what she said and how she said it and ask her what she thought it sounded like. I don't have to do it as much but it seems to be working and with the lying I pretended to lie to her and then asked her how she liked it. That worked too. =) My Daughter goes to private school and I have to say they help so much in teaching her to respect adults, herself and god. Best of luck! and god bless.

L.

WE had some similar stuff with our 5 year old. It was just too much for all of us, so we had a family meeting and came up with a list of agreements that we wanted to live by in our house. The first one was, "No Tone." That seemed to help because everyone was called on it, even the adults.

We also started a job chart to clarify everyone's responsibilities. Less fuss over who had to do what.

Stephanie

Whatever is the most meaningful to her take away. I'm a teacher and have a student like that in my class. I let her know that is not acceptable. A lot of times at home children feel more at ease and are trying to express themselves and don't know how. You can also try you and your partner giving her some special one one one time reading or going for a walk and talking maybe there is something she is feeling about starting a long day of Kindergarten

We used to tell our 5 year old, when this started happening, to use a different tone of voice. It actually worked! Another phrase my kids know well--"That's not appropriate."

A.,

I feel for you I have 4 year old twins with the same problem. 2 of the best resources that I have found have been a book and DVD called "123 Magic" and another parenting program at http://www.empoweringparents.com.

I hope that this helps you as much as it has helped us!!

Happy Mothering,
C.

There is a great book called 1-2-3 Magic that has worked wonders for us!

Good Morning,

My partner and I are having the same issue with our four year old son. We don't or we are trying not to revert to the disipline methods of our parents, but at this point we are like if it was good for us it should be good for him. If you come up with something that works please share what you have. In return we will do the same. Our email address is ____@____.com

Take Care,
G.

Well, well, well... A., welcome to motherhood!!! After reading all your wonderful advice, some I was surprised at and some I really recieved for myself. I really agree with Jan, who says about consistency and the way we have to set good examples for our children as well. The children at this age, and even now- my sons' are 9/7 and they come home with a whole new vocabulary, but not completely from the school kids, from home. I have to watch my mouth as well, and if I am rude to my child they have a right to be rude back. So, just like children we have to watch ourselves too. I know everyone does it, i know it is stressful with work/home balance but we are responsible for our children in every way.. good or bad.
One day at a time, and this too shall pass. You will look back at this and smile and laugh about this one day =o) and you will start to see the difference in the pattern of your household once you start changing the environment. It takes work, it took me about 4yrs to realize the problem was my mouth .. and just knowing it is not too late to stop the pattern, is all the difference in the world. Good luck, your child will be okay, if you are okay.

You know what- this is one reason I want to home school- you never know what they get exposed to from school.
Go talk to the teacher and ask her to enforce with your daughter good behaviours.
As well, sit down with your daughter and be honest with her about how it makes you feel- that its not ok to be disrespectful.
Let her know that she wouldnt want someone to hurt her in the same way.
Do a responsibility chart with her and make one of her things her language and her respect to you.
Hope this helps.

I found five to be like a transition age. they are not toddlers anymore, they are starting school, and they are trying to figure out how to be big girls. Unfortunately, yours has picked up on the wrong way to be a big girl. What I did with my granddaughter was when she spoke rudely or disrespectfully or in a tone that wasn't appropriate is I would tell her first that what she said or how she said it was not appropriate and then I sat her down and explained to her that when she speaks like that, she is really ugly. I tell her what a beautiful girl she is, but when she talks like that she's ugly and no one likes ugly and that people don't have to put up with ugly or disrespect and if she's going to speak/act like that, then she's going to have to do it in her room where she doesn't offend anyone. She spent a couple of afternoons in her room, and that was the end of it. What she needs to know is that she is her own person and she makes decisions on how she wants to act - you can't control her - but you can decide if you wish to be around someone who acts ugly and you don't choose to be around someone acting ugly so she has to go to her room. She doesn't have the right to inflict her disrespect on the world - if she wants to be disrespectful she will do it alone in her room. worked for me. Give it a try. I think they are just confused about how to be a big girl.

Ughhhh... thanks for the question because the responses helped us too. We've have the same thing going on with our 4 and a half year old, going on 14. She started this when she was going through a lot of changes. But I traced it back to some parenting that I slipped up on. We never went through the terrible twos or threes and now seem to be getting the testing now at (almost) 5.

Our daughter is a very strong-willed child and I never wanted to do anything to damage that, however, it also made me less aware of how her behaviour was developing over a long stretch of time. So I negotiated more that I should have and created a problem where she doesn't listen and respond to what I say the way she should at her age.

I now ask her to do something and if she doesn't listen I give her a warning and then she loses a privilege and I am consistent and realistic about it. This goes for long drawn-out whining a crying spells over tiny things too... like not getting the colored cup that she wanted. She can control how upset she gets (and stays) if she wants to.

I don't allow her to talk to me in a disrespectful way. The other day I made lunch and she took one look at it and said " This lunch is yucky." So I picked up her plate and said" That's fine, you may be excused from the table" Her response was "Moooooommmmmm, my lunch" I told her that I had worked to prepare a nice meal for her and her attitude were direspectful, so if she wanted to act that way she could leave the table, or she could apologize and eat her lunch.

We have also talked about how hitting hurts and words can hurt too and neither one are ok at our house...we've done some role play together and with her stuffed animals about that.

I think you have to model and communicate what you expect and hold them to it. I now know that it isn't about damaging her will it's about creating expectations and boundaries. So far it's working and my relationship with her has improved as well.

Good luck!

It's so frustrating when you are trying to do a good work at home and all of a sudden you see all your efforts going down the drain. Let her know that even if the kids at her school talk that way, you do not allow it. And remind her everytime you hear her talk that way. That's what I do with my kids. They attend a Christian school so it's not a big a deal there, but when they mingle with other kids outside the school is when they catch somethings I don't allow, and they are reminded once or twice and that's it! My kids don't swear or use any of those "cool" slang words. Good Luck!