Sister-in-law Reprimands My Child

Are these episodes taking place at your house or hers? If she is at your home, then I think you can just step in if you here her reprimanding him and say "I've got this, thanks" then take his hand and lead him away. If you are out at a public place or somewhere common like grandma's than I would do the same thing. If you are at her home, then I think she has a right to expect the kids to follow any rules she wants at her home. I personally think she also has the right to enforce those rules at her home by telling your child no if you aren't making him follow the rules. If you disagree with some of her "house" rules than I wouldn't take your child over there unless absolutely necessary. I only say this because it drives me up the wall when someone lets their kid come to my house and jump all over my furniture or something similar and then stands there and says nothing while they do that. I think I am well within my rights in my own home to say "Johny we don't jump on the couch at my house" However, I would expect my daughter to follow the rules at someone else's home. If I feel someone has some rules that are little much for my liking I would pick a common place to meet and then discipline just my child. If she is being really over the top with the discipline and your son truly isn't acting out of order, I do think you should say in as nice of a way possible (in private with just you and her around), "I would really appreciate if you would leave Johny's discipline to me, his mom" You don't need to give an excuse or examples, but just repeat this as many times as necessary until she gets the point. I would expect her to probably have her feathers ruffled though, so plan on it, and don't let it bother you. As you said, your his mom and his needs come before her feelings.

Are you sure it is not my sister in law you are talking about? Same situation with me - my husband's sister is constantly reprimanding my daughter - Stop Whining, Don't talk back to your mom, etc... My daughter is 4, and everyone tells me she is the easiest child to raise. She is very well behaved, but like a typical 4 year old, can be whiny, not listen, etc... However, that is MY problem to deal with - not hers. I am HER parent and I will correct her in my own way when I feel is necessary. I am biting my tongue cause I don't need a family feud, but like you am at a point where I am going to say something, and it is not going to be nice. My SIL son is 3, and has many behavioral issues, almost borderline sensory or autistic traits if you ask me. I feel either she is ignoring her son's horrible behavior and trying to make my daughter look bad, and hate to say it - like a jealousy thing. My husband & her always fought as kids, so I also think she is extra hard on my child compared to other nieces & nephews in the family, because she is taking all those years of her frustations with my husband out on my daughter. When I think of it that way, it makes me more upset where I want to tell her to JUST GROW UP! But again, pick and chose your battles in the in-laws.

I would say something like "don't worry , I'm right here I'm keeping an eye on him " If she says something else say "just relax , I've got him" or "it's such a habit keeping your eye on the little ones isn't it but truly, I will watch him". Try to be firm but kind . you have to let her know who is boss of your child.Good luck:0)

Yes, it (has) and would irk me too, as I have had to address this with my sister. Every now and then, others would reprimand my kids, and that's no big deal... but, with me, it became ongoing and from the same person!!!! I just said something like... Simply, without too much confrontation, and without your son hearing it... say, "Hey Sis, if my children are in danger, feel free to jump in and I'll do the same for your child, otherwise, when I am PRESENT, I be happy to discipline my own children and you discipline your own, too." It needs to come from you, when she is is doing it. Don't worry about the "silently holding it against you..." Trust me, she will - that's a given. Can't make everyone happy but when it comes to your child, you need to pull your shoulders back and speak up. This is YOUR child and YOUR parenting skills and she may not realize it but she is undermining your parenting skills. You have a 10 month old who is going to join the group of being "reprimanded" very soon! When she is watching your children or vice versa, then it makes sense for the children to obey the ruling of the overseeing adult. There probably is a power struggle going on and that's not right or she may be so used to doing it because her "brother (your husband) doesn't seem to mind it." This cycle can be stopped!

Just make sure that you are reprimanding your child when you should be.

Good luck.

Send a note explaining you are writing because you want to do this discretely & respectfully. Tell her something like you do not feel comfortable correcting her son and you prefer to discipline your own child so please refrain from correcting him especially when you are present. You can tell her you read its better he experiences discipline consistantly from his own parents. or whatever else you may think of.
Let go of worrying about her feelings. She is an adult and although she may get miffed, she will get over it. Your child on the other hand looks to you to be his advocate. The quicker you set this boundary with her the easier it will make your relationship.

I agree with Lisa, you need to call her on it each and every time she does it. But I also would encourage you to be direct with her first. Tell her gently and firmly that you would appreciate it if she let you discipline your son because it makes you uncomfortable and confuses him. Then if she does remind her again of your feelings. My younger sister is like this and I have had to be confrontational with her to get her to stop-she got over having her feelings hurt (but after a while will start up the disciplining again-so it is an on going battle, but my daughter and sister know exactly where I stand) Don't keep silent, your son needs you to stand up for him-who cares if she gets her nose bent out of joint-you are already suffering and so is your son. Issues like these will cause an unnecessary undercurrent of tension unless talked about-family visits are stressful enough, please for your sanity and your son's sake be open with your SIL.

I have a friend who did this once to my daughter, when she was about 6 years old. My daughter is now 11. We were in Florida on vacation at Disney World and had been out in the hot sun all day. There was no naptime for my daughter and she was getting cranky, which was understandable. We went to have a meal and my daughter was not cooperative in eating initially and was whinning a bit. All of a sudden, my friend says very mean, "Look, you need to hurry up and eat and stop whinning!" I immediately responded and explained that "I've got this under control and if I need you to step in, I'll let you know. Please don't do that again because I need my child to listen to me, as her parent." We did not have that issue again. Although, I recognize that my friend does not have kids, does not want any and really sees children as an inconvenience..so she was simply annoyed. Not that this gives her the right to reprimand my child. I did not side with my friend because I did not appreciate nor need her intervention in the situation. I am not sure if she thought she was helping the situation or not.

I agree that if a child is doing something that presents a safety concern, by all means an adult should step in, but not if they are simply annoyed by what the child is doing. The fact is..children can be annoying, just like we adults can be. I would never reprimand someone's child for not eating or for throwing food (or something equally minor). Just tell their parents and let them deal with it. Then again, who wants to be around someone who is always pointing out what your child is doing wrong? Another good reply is to explain, "I'm not bothered or concerned by his/her's action...and I'm not sure why you are?" Maybe she can explain what the root of her issue. If it is just a matter of "I would never allow my kid to..." then explain, "Ok, I respect your opinion, but this is not your kid!" Setting boundaries is so very important and you should not be afraid to establish these for your family.

My sister is like this. While I appreciate someone stepping in when necessary, I don't like it when they go way overboard. I say they can get up and clean their place after eating at least half of what they have and she will yell at them to finish. Or during a block party, I tell them they can ride their scooters to the alley and she yells at them 3 houses down. And this is at my parents' house, not hers. On the other hand, my hsuband's cousins wife will not say anything at all. She let the kids tear up the house one day while we ran to a doctor appt. Another time she let the kids leave the yard even though I had told them not to. It all depends on the circumstances. I think your son wanting to sit in a spot that would not be good-like a swing meant for a younger child could be a safety issue but she should tell you about it. And yes, there are plenty of people that let their kids go wild, doing whatever and just see them as total angels.

I've both received and given that kind of discipline and both haven't always been great. Next time she's correcting him for no good reason, kindly say, he's not harming anything, please save corrections for when it is important. I wouldn't bite her nose off, which is hard when you're already ticked. And I wouldn't cut off her ability to be his elder and have a relationship with her. I, for one, prefer my kids to take corrections from adults they know & love and even some of my neighbors if they're out of line, so I wouldn't burn that bridge, you may have an ally with her if you handle this well.

Kindly as you can, tell her to chill. Remind her that if they don't see the consequences on their own they won't learn anything. It's about raising kids who can think for themselves and reason not little robots who are in trouble when they're away from their moms and faced with really big and dangerous decisions. These little things add up in a big way. And you could say, hun when you constantly correct him you might make him think he's a bad boy when he hasn't done anything bad! This is kids' stuff. If you are gentle, I don't think there will be a blowout. I had to swallow a lot of that with my sil, snide comments about making him eat healthy food at dinner, etc. Now she's a mom and can't get her kid to behave. Part of me chuckles a little the rest tries to help her without stepping on her toes or making her think I think she's dumb, because I don't! I just have raised a few kids and she has a few kids in one! lol.

Good luck to you.
D.