OK, so I need some advice. I have a 17 month old little boy who is being cared for during the day by a friend's mom, I'll call her "K". I dropped him off at their house this morning and my friend's husband "C" was running out the door obviously annoyed by a meeting he had to attend. Before leaving he had seen my 17 month old pull his 17 month olds hair, neither I nor my husband had seen this, but we don't doubt that it happened. He told my son rather sternly and a bit loud not to pull hair. Which is fine, as an overall message, pulling hair is not ok, however, I have never seen him speak this way (loud and stern) to his children. I've seen him speak this way to his dogs, but when disciplining his kids, he speaks in a kinder tone. He is at home maybe a partial day during the week when my child is there and I feel a bit annoyed and concerned about how he treats my child while there. I would like to speak to him about it but I'm not sure how and would like to avoid creating a rift.
A side story was that at one time his son had bit and left a bite mark on my son's face that lasted a week. "K" the grandmother apologized for it, and I realized that they are babies and are going to try out their new teeth on anyone, no big deal, these things happen. The following day I dropped off my son and my son had shoved his son, I told my son, "No, shoving, be gentle" and showed him how to be gentle. "C" was there and made a comment like, "No worries, my son knows how to defend himself." What was that suppose to mean? That it's ok for his son to bite mine?
Help!
A little bit about me:
I'm a mommy of a wonderful 17 month old.
Thank you everyone for your messages and advice!
After spending sometime this weekend with “C”, his wife and kids, I realized that he disciplines his children this way. My concern was that I thought he was a bit harsher to my son, but it’s just his discipline style so to speak.
As for "K" the grandmother, I have absolutely no doubts that she treats my child as her own grandchildren, with utmost love and respect. The situation of my child being under the grandmother’s care is temporary, if I had it my way I would love having her watch him longer if possible.
As for the father, well, he’s a good person and father to his children and is new, like me, to this wonderfully complicated world of parenting.
As the Nigerian proverb goes, "Ora na azu nwa", it takes a village to raise a child, theoretically, I think this is very wise. Actually seeing it was more startling than I thought and interesting to learn.
As for discipline, I'm not saying that I prefer to have my child coddled. I think that would be a grave injustice to my child. I do think discipline is important when a child learns the why of not doing something instead of being yelled at for example. And I do appreciate it when there is an adult present that disciplines a child when needed, as long as this discipline is appropriate of course. And yes, I might be overly sensitive but when it comes to my child but who isn’t?
On an ending note, I’m so very grateful for all your messages. It is nice to know that I can reach out to my global village as I make my own way on this wondrous ride of motherhood, so thank you, my global village for all your responses, it has been very helpful!!
Change sitter-period. This is the man's behavior. You're 'friends'. It doesn't seem like a good fit for the children. Just change sitter and set up the goals and methods you would like to use to relieve those acting out opportunities.
I would just stay alert and observant. As for this morning, he could've just been running late and in a bad mood and it just happened. It happens to all of us.
As for the pushing/biting comment. Are those kind of comments part of his normal character? I can see someone in my family saying something snied like that, but not really meaning that they would allow something to happen.
M.
It sounds like from your post that "C" is the Dad who lives in the home where Grandma "K" watches her grandchild and your son?
Personally, I don't have a problem with other adults verbally correcting my children's behavior. It doesn't sound like this man was yelling or getting in your son's face or acting out of line. I don't have a problem with "stern", particularly when one kid is hurting another. Also, I think that if you are leaving your child in their care - either with grandma or in their home, you have to somewhat allow them to "discipline" or reprimand your child. That said, I think that you also have every right to talk with the Grandma about how discipline is handled and talk about what your expectations are, especially if you are paying her to watch your son.
As far as his comment about his son defending himself, I don't think it's that out of line. I think sometimes men think that little boys need to "toughen up" and not be "babies" like us moms treat them. I'm not at all saying that it's ok for his son to bite yours. Perhaps he simply meant that his son could scream or push your son away if he was getting shoved. (Maybe this was just "C's" way of saying "no big deal", just like you did when your son was bit by his kid?)
I think this is all normal toddler behavior. I think that shoving, biting, hair pulling, etc. is all pretty common. I don't think that it means that the kids aren't being properly supervised. That said, I think that if biting happens again, or your son gets hurt on Grandma K's watch, you definitely need to have a talk with her.
In the meantime, I think you just are learning that not everyone treats your son like you do. If you aren't the one watching him, I think that you should talk with Grandma K or whoever is, and discuss what your expectations are for his safety and discipline.
Please know, I am not at all suggesting that your son should be treated like a second class citizen in someone else's home! If you feel that the children are not being treated equally, properly supervised or disciplined, etc. then I definitely think that you should ask questions to the child care provided. If you can't see eye to eye with them, then it may be time to find other arrangements for your son. You shouldn't have to "settle" for a child care provider you don't agree with.
Best wishes.
i like when someone else disciplines my children when i don't see what happened.....it would hope that an adult would intervene when children are doing something wrong & it helps my children to realize they are being watched at all times & they have to listen & respect all adults, especially friends..........however i would expect the adult that is doing the disciplining would treat all children equally & fairly on that note you stated that he was running late & frustrated with an upcoming meeting so i would hope this is the reason why he was stern with your son, but you do have a right to ask if this is typical or not..............and as far as his comment i think it was harmless & meant to be funny & since you are upset with the situation you are reading into it more than usual because you are uneasy about what happened earlier........that's just an outsiders thoughts so clear your mind & talk to your friend or her mother & make sure there are no problems
If you are going to leave your child in the care of another, they must be allowed to correct unacceptible behavior. With pulling hair, shoving, biting, it sounds to me that these toddlers are not be very well supervised. I run a home daycare, I don't tolerate biting for any reason. at 17 months they have to be watched every minute. I had a daycare child move to Texas, in her new daycare a child pushed her she hit her head and ended up in the emergency room. I would talk to your friends who are watching your child, and find out what the rules are in their home, find out how they discipline. If they are not watching him for free, you may want to look into daycare so your child will be around different age children in a more supervised amptmosphere. J.
I agree with Julie, they are definitely not supervised well enough. It sounds as if these altercations are actually quite frequent from the "feel" of your postings. Hurt feelings so often are the result when doing "business" of any kind amongst friends. Things might be better for both your son and yourself if you have other arrangements made for his childcare.
Try to think ahead of time what you want to say and imagine what they may respond either way. I hope all goes well.
S.
IF it were me, my child would NOT be going over there anymore. This guy sounds rude and inconsiderate. It seems as if he's only worried about his child's safety and not yours. Don't expect this guy to ever change or get nicer all of a sudden to your child. Your child might be in danger when he's around so find another babysitter. You have to understand that even if the mother takes good care of your child, that doesn't mean everyone else in the house will. I know many moms who've had to find new sitters because of the "sitters" husband.
Don't worry yourself about approaching him, you're right it may start a war with this guy. Simply stop bringing your child over there and cut them out of your lifes. Your not being overly sensitive, this guy is rude and to make a comment the way he did would scare me. It makes me think if your child bites or hits his child, then your child deserves to get beat up by his! NO, that's not ok and would scare me to keep my child in a place like that, as young as yours is. There are many other "Safe" daycares or babysitters out there for your child, so start looking ASAP. There's nothing wrong at all with being an overprotective mom, especially when your childs at an age that can't speak well yet and only YOU can keep him safe. Good luck to you!
This is right around the age where my daughter started needing discipline. And the need for it really intensifies into the ages 2 and 3. When they play with other young children, the need for correction is almost without end. I would also be very uneasy of leaving that to someone else, but then again, I would be leary to leave any such choices to someones else: to get the right amount of love, comfort, attention, stimulation, sustenance. In letting someone else care for your child you will have to accept that things will not be handled quite in the way you would do it. Nobody can do it as good as you can and I'm saying that with seriousness not sarcasm because nobody loves your child as much as you do. I have no particular reaction to the way this person handled your child, but I will validate your concerns. If your child has to be left in the care of someone else then I think you just have to address your concerns openly and directly, without letting tension build and without going on the attack. This will be easier if you have a specific way your rather see things done. I can't tell from your writing if you do or if you are just generally uneasy.
I totally agree with momof4 and mom on the GO in everything they said especially about talking with the person who is responsible for watching your child. This man isn't the one you are employing so you should first bring your concerns to "K" and let her deal with "C". If nothing changes and you're not comfortable with the situation (regardless if you are overly sensitive or not) then you should look for another daycare for your child. You shouldn't be forced to be ok or not ok with anything where your child is concerned but you do have to be open-minded to the fact that not everyone will discipline the way you do.
Good luck and I'm sure everything will work out once you talk with "K"...especially since she is your friend.
I think your husband should talk to "C". I believe that is his place to do such. Anytime you leave your child with others though, there is always going to be things going on (known to you or not) that you wouldn't necessarily do or like to be done. But since you are friends with these people, I'd definitely talk to them about your concerns.
I think you are being overly sensitive. I watch kids and have 3 of my own. It is my own personal experience that kids listen to other people and to get their attention you need to change your tone sometimes. You can't use a sing song, nicey nice voice and expect a 17 month old child to understand that his behavior was not acceptable. I have had too many parents come and go who are oblivious to their childs actions and do no not correct the kids, the kids do whatever they want. When you leave your child in the care of others, they are raising your child. They also have an obligation to keep some sort of order in their home. I say if you don't like someone else reprimanding your child you'd better stay home and raise him yourself and be prepared to homeschool as well. The schools also will speak in a loud and stern voice if necessary. Exactly how did you show your son to be gentle?
First, ANY time a child is bitten by another child is a HUGE deal to me. Since you were not there, you have no idea how C's child (K's grandchild) was disciplined, if at all. And second, C's remark about his son knowing how to "defend himself" is annoying. It sounds like he's advocating pushing, hitting, fighting back, which would NOT be acceptable to me if my son were only 17 months old, whether he was the initial victim or the instigator. Since it sounds like you will be concerned about your son's experiences around C since C is present for part of the time your son is there, I would really suggest changing caregivers if at all possible. Otherwise, even if you have a talk with C and/or K, you will always have a small worry about C's behavior and what your son will be hearing/learning from that. Kind wishes.
Initially I didnt think it was too big of a deal but you made a good point...how is your baby treated when you're not there...?
I would definitely have a calm, rational, constructive talk with these people....
I understand your feelings, you don't want your kiddo to be treated like second class. I would voice your concerns or find another place if you don't or else all you will do is feel uneasy and worry . It sounds to me by your post that he is almost treated like an annoyance by this man. Always go with your gut. Good luck!
If you already have doubts, you need to go with your gut and get your son out of there! I know its hard to find daycare but the stress you have worrying all day is not healthy either. The examples you shared pretty much sounds like the dad is a hot head & wants his son to dominate. (Pretty sad since they are toddlers) I would never bring the issue to their attention and then continue to leave your child. Time to find a new sitter.
Good Luck! :)
I would voice my concerns to the day care provider. I am assuming that you are paying for her services...so you have a right to expect certain things. Does this man who made the stern comments to your child live there or was he also just dropping his child off? Maybe he won't be around too much if he is just dropping children off at daycare. It just sounds to me like it may not be a good situation and you might need to be looking for a more professionally run daycare situation.
That is why I started doing daycare 14 years ago because places I found that had kids mine where treated differently and in large daycares it was not home or had that loving connection. When my kids where small the rules and toys applied the same to all 7-5 ( daycare hours). I have always acted the same if the parents are standing there or not my rules still stand and I still discipline the same. I feel that is important to the child no matter who it is that is raising them ( he is not, it is the grandma and you guys). That is hard when your child is so small and can not relay to you if anything is happening. Trust your gut if you should stay or go from that situation. Maybe find a place where they don't have their own small children or rules and toys and discipline apply equally. Best of luck to you and your child.
I have a REALLY big issue with people correcting my child when I'm present. I got the impression from your question that you were present at the time, but that you hadn't actually seen the hair pulling directly. If you WERE present (or for future incidences) I would just matter of factly tell the dad that you will handle correcting your son, thank you very much! If he doesn't get the hint, it may be time to have a very frank conversation with the mom in charge.
First off, no I personally don't think it is ok for someone else to discipline your kids except other family members but that's my view. That being said, years ago my friend kept my son while I worked. There had been 1 or 2 incidents of her son biting my son. I went one day to pick him up and as fast as lightening right in front of both of us her son bit my son on the leg. I yelled out, in a loud almost venomous tone, "Stop, don't you dare bite him!" I didn't plan it, I didn't think about it. It seriously, literally just jumped out of my mouth. Call it mama bear instinct protecting my child, I don't know. I am not excusing his behavior but maybe he saw his child being hurt and just lashed out? It could happen, I would never discipline someone else's child (at least not on purpose). Side-note: it worked, he never bit my son again. My friend wasn't angry with me either, she was once again frustrated and upset her son had bit mine again.
