I hope this is not too long, but I will appreciate any input / advice in dealing with a sister-n-law who has been "less" than nice.
Little history: I have been in my husband's family for twenty years, 10 of them married years. My husband's older sister has three children, all of whom we have known since birth. We have played an ever constant role in their lives, attending every life event, boy scout event, Eagle Scout, Grad parties, etc etc etc. We have spent time with them by taking them on trips, having them for sleep overs, helping them with school projects and many other significant ways that it would be an endless list. In other words, we have been there for these three boys throughout their lives. We have always bought them gifts for every occasion of their lives. At one point, my DH's sister would say, "Oh you treat my boys like they are your own. You are their favorite aunt." We LOVED spending time with them and continue to.
Seven of our ten years of marriage was spent trying to have a child. We did every fertility test and measure that could be taken, all to no avail. My nephews filled a great void in my life during this time, because I bonded with them and felt they had an impact on our lives and not only did they enrich our lives, but us them.
When we decided to adopt a baby, my sister n law seemed happy for us. However, problems started when we asked her to fill out a recomendation letter, basically attesting to the adoption agency we would be good parents, she ignored our requests. We evenutually grew tired and were close to our deadline and asked my husband's brother to complete (he with three children and a wife and lived out of state at the time) and he responded that he would be honored to fill the form out and did so in a timely fashion. A week or so later my mother n law mentioned the form to her daughter and told her that her brother completed the form, and she rolled her eyes and made a rude comment.
We overlooked this entire episode and pressed on forward with our own plans to adopt, and did not let this one experience with her interfere in our feelings.
When finally, after seven long years of trying to have a family, we adopted our beautiful son. It was an emotional journey and our whole family rejoiced for us. All except our sister n law. We tried to continue to form a valued relationship with her by asking her to be the Godmother. She accepted without emotion. We forged ahead, and her boys loved our new son so much, we wanted all to be a close family with them.
In my son's three years, she has only visited him ONCE, only because she was in the neighborhood. She stayed for thirty minutes and criticized my parenting the entire time.
Then, the next Christmas when my son was eighteen months, she called my husband, and my husband's brother and said she and her family had no money to buy Christmas presents. Although we had been buying her kids' presents for two decades, we did not get upset, and we offered her family money to tide them over. She refused the money.
This year, she has proclaimed that she does not want to see any siblings at Christmas because we did not come to her house for Thanksgiving. (Our family has never celebrated Thansgiving with her for over a decade). Yesterday, my husband's parents said that she told them she was going to lie about the "poor" act and that she was really doing that out of spite because we stay at home for Thanksgiving. She involved her parents in this lie and they kept it from us this whole time, even saying, "Those poor kids, they are doing all they can for more money..." We even bought her kids presents that year, and the following week she said to my face, "Whoever gave my three boys those turquoise fleece pullovers, what were they thinking, that they are triplets?" She said this in a very mean tone. When I told her it was me that bought them, and I would happily exchange them, she fleetingly said her oldest took it to college already, and that they were "turquoise" and blah blah. (They were actually cobalt blue!) But the point is, she criticized our gift when she had not even bought our baby boy a gift!!
So, this year, my son will not receive a gift from his Godmother, will not see his cousins whom he loves. My husband's parents will celebrate Christmas day with their daughter and we will see them another day during the Christmas season.
How do I deal with this situation. My husband said he is going to call her to get this "on the table" but has not done so yet. I feel she is "toxic" and perhaps I made a very poor choice by having her as a Godparent, something which I take seriously because that person should practice Christian standards.
If you have read this all the way through, God bless ya! Sorry it was so long, but I sure do hope you have some insight in dealing with "sinister" sister n laws!!
Thanks for all your input and great advice...I really appreciate all your insight.
We decided to call her last evening and she was very defensive, unwilling to communicate or listen to what we had to say. She threw the phone down when my husband spoke with her, as soon as he questioned her judgement on some issues and had her son get on the phone! The poor kid did not know how to handle the situation and we told him how much we love him and don't want him in the middle. I then asked if she would be willing to talk to me and she lasted for about a few minutes, turning everything around that I was saying, and telling me, "Since your little boy came along you don't give any time or love to my three boys!!!" In the meantime, my husband took her kids golfing for a day while she was on a cruise and she never called and thanked him or even acknowledged it at all. We went with the zoo with them over the summer and had them over our house a couple of times. No, we can't spend the time we used to now that we have our own family, we both work, I'm a writer and in college...but we always talk to them, show up for all their parties, and give them a lot of quality time. She was so mean on the phone, I actually thought I was speaking with somebody that was mentally ill, I hate to say it.
Her words to us were that she has "written us off" at this point. What do we say to somebody that tells you that?
As for gifts, we decided to make a charitable donation in their family's name and they'll receive a card in the mail telling them the donation has been made in honor of their family.
I guess that's it...I'll continue to pray that we can all resolve this somehow.
Thanks again!
More Answers
L.T.
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It is unfortunate that your sil is acting this way. You and your husband seem very loving and giving and she should embrace that. It sounds like she may not be good at adapting to change especially when it means that some of the attention may be taken away from her and her children. I am also sorry your child has not received the same treatment her children have. Even if the children don't know any better that can be hurtful to parents. Don't feel that you made a poor decision by choosing her to be godmother. At the time you made a good decision. You could not have predicted this behavior.
I've experienced a bit of all that you have but not to the degree that you have. While I don't like some of the things that go in my family, I put it in perspective by realizing there are bigger things to worry about (my son's medical treatments, for example), more important things to focus on (enjoying time with my children and my husband) and I have many blessings to be thankful for (my family, a steady income, nice home). I buy all of my neices and nephews presents for special occassions regardless of what it given to my children. I feel I would be penalizing them for their parents' misdeeds. I form bonds with the the family members who I can truly be close to and who express their love for me and my family. We juggle holiday visits when necessary and enjoy the company of our friends and family who care about us.
If you need to confront her then I say "go for it." Beyond that the best advice I can give is to go about your life by focusing on the postive aspects and giving little credence to the negative. I'm not saying let her hurt you or your family, but decide which battles truly need to be fought and which ones you can let slide by. I know it isn't easy but once I chose to take this approach I felt much happier and less stressed. Bless you and good luck to you.
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A.H.
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I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. There are those of us out there who have had very similiar problems. You are not alone! Do what is best for your family and remember that you can not control her actions. Try to send her boys notes, gifts, cards and things to try to keep in touch. THe best that you can hope for is that they will remember that you have always been there for them and through the little things that she will hopefully let then have they will know that you are still there for them. I have the same problem with a godparent. It hurts to have them regect someone that they vowed to protect and guide in such an important way. Try to find another family or close friend that can fill that void in your sons' life. They may not be a godparent in name, but the actions are more important. Just keep trying to be the good christian that you are and not harden your heart. Maybe in time she will come around and you can reconsile. If not you will know that you have not acted in a way that is anything like her. You have to believe that eventually she will be called accountable for her actions. It's really hard to live with a family divide like this and it never seems to get any easier. But hold on and you can make it through one step at a time!
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J.M.
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Hi J.,
I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a horrible sister-in-law. It sounds like she is jealous. There are some people who you will never be able to change - and I think you have been more than nice to her with all of her bad behavior. I wish you and your family a wonderful holiday. Don't let her ruin it for you. You have a beautiful family and a lot to be thankful for.
J.
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H.F.
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J., hang in there. Try not to let her bother you. You love her boys so don't let it affect you relationship with them. Cut back on how much you spend on them for Christmas, though. Don't buy your sister-in-law or brother-in-law anything for Christmas (or buy them a Christmas ornament if you feel you need to buy them something). Take the money you save from spending less on them and buy your son an extra present. When you give your nephews their presents, give your son his extra present. That way your son doesn't feel left out. Remember that your son doesn't know all you did for your nephews so it doesn't really bother him that his aunt doesn't do for him. Do your best to NOT let it bother you. You can't change her. Just accept that she is one of the worst Aunts and Godmothers on the planet. Don't expect her to do anything for you or your son and you won't be disappointed.
As to your mother and father Inlaws... If they are spending most of the day with your sister-in-law and she has made it clear that you and your family are not welcome, tell them that your family would like to spend some part of Christmas with them as well. Ask them over for Christmas brunch or for Hot Chocolate and Cookies in the evening so that they can see your son as well. Tell then you would never ask them to choose between the families but would like to share their time as well.
It really sounds like your sister-in-law is having some jealousy issues. Sounds like she thought be the Mom in the family in town was what she considered her thing (I really think this because of how she criticized your parenting and put off filling out the recommendation form for you to adopt). It doesn't mean she doesn't love your son but that she feels displaced and hasn't been able to grow up and deal with it so that she can be a decent aunt and sister. It is her problem NOT yours and you can't fix HER. Instead, ignore her and have the best holiday ever instead. I have to say that some years I wish it could be just me, my husband and our kids all day for the holiday. Unfortunately, I have a large extended family that have raised us with the tradition of Christmas at home and with the Grandmas.
Good luck and have a great Christmas in spite of her.
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L.N.
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Wow. Sounds like she is not only jealous you guys have a family now, but is worried you may not take care of her kids like you used to. That is her problem, tho. What comes around goes around, usually. Your hubby needs to speak to her, maybe you all should, cuz she is acting extremely childish. Tell her jr. High is over, and grow up and be thankful she has a nice sister in law, when many can find many reasons to complain about theirs. How does ur mom in law say about all this, does she fall for it, too? You did great things for her children, because you love them, so that should not change, what she does it up to her. Your child will be fine with or without her extras.
