Single Mom Giving in Too Much?

Dear K.,
It's probably because you're "just mom." It is nothing personal, and I think most kids do it. But do not give in. It may be easier in the short run, but in the long run, it will spoil him badly and get worse as he gets older. When he throws a fit, you can do several things. You can ignore him, which might get him to stop by realizing you really aren't going to give him what he wants. You can tell him "NO" very firmly, and if he throws a fit, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, you may want to give him a couple light swats. Not enough to bruise or leave a mark, but just enough to get his attention and show him you mean what you say. And if he is old enough to understand the significance of time-out, you could do that, too.

I think it probably is because you give in more. It's the opposite for my husband and I. He gives in more and I am strict with them. Well, they listen to me and throw FITS with him because they know they will get what they want. He thinks I am too mean sometimes, but people tell me all the time how well behaved my kids are. "How do you get them to listen to you???" I just DONT GIVE IN TO TEMPER TANTRUMS. I never have and never will! ha! lol

I actually get aggrivated sometimes when we go to his parents house, because my inlaws SPOIL them and when they throw temper tantrums they get what they want over there. We went there today for easter... and let me tell you, they NEVER throw tantrums like they did when we're at home and I am boss, but my son threw the BIGGEST tantrum today to my mom-in-law, and what-do-you-know she gave him what he wanted!!! She said "kids do that" ........Well than why don't they do that for me? BECAUSE I DON'T FALL FOR TANTRUMS AND THEY KNOW BETTER. If she didn't either, then they would behave over there too!

All children need boundaries and they will test to see how far and what works on who. He knows what buttons to push on you to get you to cave. Let me tell you better you fix this now than wait. You need to say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you cave then he will always use that on you. Let him throw his fit and ignore him stick to what you tell him if you say no then it is NO.. once he settles down then reward the good behavior if not you are rewarding bad behavior when you give in. Twos are hard and trying. and this is the time to teach him right from wrong. Good luck...

YUP...he is learning that every time he whines with you, you give in. It isn't too late so don't despair. Just be firm. When my son was 3 he gave me grief about the seatbelt and car seat too...its common. BUt I stood firm. It is hard to hear him yell, but you can respond by saying calmly and firmly..."It sounds like you are mad, and I understand, but Mommy said NO, and no means no. What can we do instead that will be fun...how about {insert activity}?"

Our job is to teach them to be safe and to give them firm boundaries about what is and isn't appropriate. I have a classroom full of student (I teach college) who think if they whine hard enough I'll give them a better grade. NO...if you work HARDER you'll EARN a better grade. FWIW...I Have a 37 year old cousin who's parents NEVER told him no or gave him boundaries and he is incapable of managing the daily activities of life. No, he doesn't have a developmental disability or autism or anything like that...he's brilliant but simply believes people are supposed to do things for him or give in to him because he yells and screams about it. It's sad to watch actually.

When you are a single mom it is tough because you feel like you don't have a backup or you feel guilty and want to stop the screaming and "just have fun" but that won't help him learn what he can and can't do. GOod luck...its a learning process and I'm still learning with my own kids!!!

He may be only 2 but he knows the pattern.He knows your track record. There are kids who give teachers a fit but not M. and Dad, it's all about the history you have established. And they will check on that every so often just to make sure you still mean what you say. It's also how they learn to "mean what they say". They also learn the meaning of "just this once" not by the words but by how often it happens. If you truly adore this child you must teach him manners and self control so that others will want to get to know him too. It might be good to explain to him that things are going to be different now, and a little bit about why. Not big and detailed but like we need to change things because I want you to learn to act nice around people so that they will like to play with you etc. Pick one thing at a time if possible. The" we will see" line was invented because you can't always say for sure without being wrong much of the time. Even parents can't control the future so don't make many promises . You want your words to carry weight. The other thing is being M. means you get many more chances to say no than occasional adults,and it can be easier to get worn down. Please do yourself and your son a favor and don't cave in. Be careful with the consequences you use for misbehavior. Make them ones you can carry out, and that fit the occasion. If you aren't sure it's O.K. to say "you are in trouble,and we will talk more about this later" . It gets him to stop and know that you disapprove and that he's got something coming; he will learn that it's good to be really good after that warning so that what's coming is not so bad,but that will take a while, but it will come if you stick to it. Go for it M. parenting is not easy but you will like your son and yourself better with good manners and self control and respect for you. Not easy but definitely worth it. It will take time but you can do this!

Nelda C M. to 5 kids who are almost all grown, and music teacher.

K.,
While there is definitely some truth to the fact that your son tests you more because he is with you more, I don't think it is merely because you are 'mom'. He's with you more, knows you better, is more comfortable with you, knows you will always be there. He already senses that Dad and others are not always "there" for him, and may even feel Dad could leave or whatever if he doesn't listen. The other side of this is that he MOSTLY doesn't listen to you because you have have shown him that you will give in, so he knows already that he doesn't have to. If he cries long enough, you will eventually cave and give in to him. HE KNOWS THIS WELL!
Someone else mentioned Love and Logic. I HIGHLY recommend the advice in their books and tapes, as well. I've taken several of their courses through a local teacher (she is a social worker at United Services in St. Charles/O'Fallon - assuming you are local to me; sorry if you are not). I think you might be able to find other teachers in your area on their website (someone else also recommended Parents As Teachers - also a wonderful program from the school district, and they often offer classes on parenting and discipline). But you can also read any number of their books or listen to their tapes. In addition to being very helpful and informative on good ways to discipline children, they are very entertaining! The thought is to provied loving, logical consequences NOW to the child for their poor choices while the consequences are small, so that they have learned how to make good choices and follow rules, etc before the consequences are huge, like when they are in college and don't listen to the instructor and flunk out, or get arrested for DWI, or ...(and so they are prepared for the real world).
Anyway, your son needs you to set very clear and realistic guidelines. He needs your help in learning how to listen to someone "in charge" so that he knows how to listen to his teachers later, and can succeed in school. You CAN do it and you know it is what is best for him! Good luck!
D. - mom to 5 kids, still trying to parent as best I can!

I think ignoring the tantrums is a good idea, or, if he is being destructive, and you are able, stopping him by holding him closely but firmly until he stops. If he will stay in a time-out place, even if he has to be taken back there several times, that may work at home. When my kids would try to yell or cry to me when they were tantruming or wanting something they couldn't have and were having a fit, I would gently, calmly tell them that I could not speak to them when they were yelling, or say "I can't understand you when you are screaming/whining/etc." This worked well when my kids were young. As far as the testing mom more -- yes, many do. My therapist told me when I was experiencing this that they do this because they know your love is unconditional, that you will love them even when they are doing something wrong. They were safe. With their dad, it was less so. They weren't as sure that he would still be there or love them if they stepped out of line, or they were afraid he would explode (which he often did) and so they didn't test as much when they were around him. I remember feeling that the whole thing was so unfair until I understood the reasons behind it. I hope this is helpful.

K.,
Although your son is only two, he and all other 2 year olds have alot more figuired out than you think. You are the only one that can change his behavior to you. I have some in laws that I watched go through the same thing with their son. They would say no, and be to tired to back it up when he went against their word. Or, he would keeping bugging them, or throw a fit till he got his way becuase they couldnt stand to deal with the fit. Whatever the reason your giving in, he knows-or is learning, that his will is stronger than yours.
BAD! He has to learn boundaries so he can function in the real world later, even school. If you love him, love him enought to stick to your first "NO" Also, it;s important to pick your battles wisely. Think about what is really worth enforcing. But you have to remember, that once you say, you CANNOT back down. Whether he knows it or not, he is depending on your discipline to guide him, it assures him that he is safe with you, and you love him beyond his mistakes.
FYI: The boy i was talking about earlier, (the in-laws) is a mess today. He is 19 who relates more to my 7 year old. He stil throws fits, tries to get attention in the wierdest most disturbing ways. Has no friends. Dealing in drugs, says he is addicted to them, but we all know he isn't, he just does that to get attention. It makes me sick. He is still a child! Sad..
All because his 2 parents just didn't want to say no and mean it.
Stay stronger than Him!

Yes children tend to test their mother's more than father's,I'm pretty sure it is because for the most part we do give in and it is hard not to. Over the weekend jot down what he test's your limit's it could be everything to I want candy a sucker cartoon's whatever it may be and try to say no and at this age you can give him a simple answer not to ellaborate, for his mind can't process everything he has heard at one time. You need to set your own limit's with yourself before you can do it with him or you'll get frustrated even more due to he can have it today but not the next day or the next you'll have to be consistent everday,if he need's a time out for hitting the cat(example)and does it 30 min. later you'll have to do the time out again until he understand's that you aren't allowed to do that certain behavior. A time out doesn't need to be long a min. or two this young he'll get the point and will soon figure out what mommy doesn't like. We all love our children and disciplince is just another way to show we care. SAHM of 2 boy 4 girl 15months it can be exhausting

K., you already know the answer to this question, so what is it that makes you willing to put yourself 'out there' for the kind of responses you will get? It's coming through that you feel guilty about the fact that your son 'rarely sees' his dad, and to over compensate for it, you give in to his demands. Parents also do this kind of thing with children who have delays, syndromes, or disabilities because they feel somehow responsible for it. The worst thing you can do is to empower a child to play off of an apparent weakness. There are millions of single moms raising their children to be strong, capable, and self-sufficient adults. There are children growing up in horrid conditions who are still able to see the glass half full, and that's the result of positive parenting. Please stop thinking you have no right to expect your child to thrive under your solitary care. You, however, are the one expected to teach him the importance of being accountable for his own behavior. You can do this! He is not suffering unjust care if he is held to consequences he knew ahead of time for not doing something, so long as the conseqences are appropriate for his age. He didn't pick up the toys after lunch? He can't have that favorite snack after nap, or until he does.

But it doesn't sound like your son has a problem with obedience. It sounds like you have the problem with consistency and follow through. You don't like listening to him cry, therefore he doesn't learn a valuable lesson. You are putting your needs ahead of his by ignoring opportunities to teach him. You need to think about what you want for your child more than what suits you at the time. Stop trading on the fact that you are a single mom. Stop thinking that is a free pass for having a child who can't follow directions. Millions of single moms are doing a fantastic job of raising children in a multitude of environments. You have mentors out there, but they don't have time to play games with you. Life is happening right now.

Good luck on your journey in raising a productive adult!!! Society is counting on you.

K.-

Don't give in! I know that it is hard, I have 8 & 6 year old boys that are both head strong in their own way. Yes, they will definately test you more than they will their father and they will continue to test your limits as he gets older. I think that it is great that you ignored the temper tantrum. As long as he is not in danger of hurting himself or anyone else let him get it out. When he is done talk to him about why he got so upset and let him know that even though he got upset he is still not going to get what he wants but throwing a fit. I know that it is hard, especially after you have been giving in but it is not to late. Trust me-you can do this and his behavior will improve faster than you expect. I will warn you that it is going to be exhausting until that point. He will test you even more once you start because he does not want you to stop giving in. Just remember you are doing this for him, so that he will grow up knowing responsibility and understanding that there are consequences for his actions. We always tell the boys that "for every action there is a reaction" and sometimes the reaction is not what they want. Everytime that you get stressed out just repeat to yourself "I am a good mother and this is going to make him a good man someday".

Good luck,

J.

CHECK OUT LOVE AND LOGIC PARENTING ON THE WEB. I just recently started using this on my 3 1/2 year old and it really seems to be working. It is all about teaching your children through love and they learn to accept responsibility for actions with consequences. I am very excited about this as it helps kids learn to respect everyone including themselves. Plus, added bonus, when kids learn about consequences, they are less likely to "follow" the crowd because they know they will have to face the consequences, i.e. parents who are sad for them but have to punish them. It really is a unique approach to behavior issues. I highly recommend it. Good luck!

Kids test everyone! Moms just have a harder time being firm than dads do. Your son will always test you from time to time. But, if you don't give in (even though its really hard!!) it will pay off greatly in the long run. For bad behavior, always give ONE warning and state a consequence. If the behavior continues, consequence. It'll take a couple days and then it will lighten up and get easier. Also, ignoring tantrums is the right way to handle them (unless the child puts himself in danger). Once you son realizes that he cannot get your attention by throwing a fit, it will stop. you'll have a headache, of course, but in the long run it will stop the bahavior.

I have 3 kids and I know....I'm the one that gives in every so often and pays the price by having to go through getting the kids back in line again.

Hang in there! Being a mom is a tough job!!!

I am not a single mom but still did the same thing to my daughter. she is two and it was so much easier to just give into her. I posted a question because i didn't do the same thing to my son when he was her age. Some of the best advice I got was every time he wants something or is throwing a fit stop before you do anything and think for a minute. Consider is this what is best for him, will this make him a better person, will this teach him to be independent and to make good decisions. Also, try to imagine what he will be like at age 20, at age 30, and so on. I don't know anything about his father or why he doesn't see him very much but if it because he just doesn't want to see his child do you want your son to end up like that? It will get worse before it gets better, he already knows that if he throws the tantrum he will get his way so when you start changing things they will be the worst tantrums yet. Be strong, don't give in. remember is this what is best for him, will this make him a more independent and reliable person when he gets older, will this help teach him be the kind of man I want him to grow up and be. You can do, I did. Good luck.

p.s. kudos to you for going at it alone and still wanting to be the best parent possible!

I used to be a single Mom, so I know how hard it can be. My son listens to his Dad more, and it was hard on me sometimes too. It is easier to give in, but it's good to let him know that you are there for him, so sometimes giving in isn't so bad. Your son will realize that you are there for him no matter what since you do give in sometimes. I think two years old is still a little young to be worried about discipline, but teaching him about being polite like saying please and thank you, sharing, and caring about people, animals, toys, etc will be worthwhile. Also, if you could try to have his father or anyone, preferably a male figure like Uncle or Grandfather, reinforce those issues you are trying to teach your son when you don't give in, that will help a lot. My son listens to his Grandparents and his Uncle almost as well as he listens to me. When I am trying to teach him something, somtimes we will call up his Uncle to show my son that his Uncle agrees with me on the lesson. I think that gets the lesson stuck in his head alittle better sometimes. When kids get a little older, like four and five, then discipline becomes more of a necessity to follow through with. Now that my son is five, I've found that I need to be more strict with him, but thankfully he has the basics down. He's also very caring, and tells me I'm beatiful, which I believe could only come from when I did give in to him sometimes, but still gave him the discipline he really needed. Kids need the stability and discipline, along with someone they can talk to and find comfort in, and have fun with. I'm sure you're doing just fine, and all kids throw fits, not just those from single Moms!

I was a single mom for 4 years (and without getting into too much detail, may be again here shortly). My daughter is now 6 and is very bright and headstrong. We have many issues with minding authority at home and at school because it was "easier" to give in. I'm not really sure what the answer is, because parenting is hard, doing it alone is a whole new level. I do know two things that I wish I would have done- be consistent and follow through. If you say you are going to do something, reward or punish, do it and do it every time.
If you have any questions or just need to talk feel free :)

I've had a similar issue with my son. I stopped giving in so much and also started making him do things for himself, and things got better. My husband works all day, and when he gets home, he's pretty much too tired to deal with any attitude or defiance from our son. I think that might be why your child listens to his daddy more. Also, since you're home with your son all day, it's a lot easier to give in more often and end up anticipated his needs more. Giving in is definitely a bad habit to get into, as I have found out for myself. The best thing to do is try to avoid those situations all together by giving them distractions beforehand. For instance, give him something to play with or drink when you take him somewhere in the car. When he does start throwing a tantrum over something he can't have, then ignore him...walk away...distract yourself with something until he's finished. Redirect him to something he can have or do. I know it can be so frustrating, especially when he starts yelling and crying, but try to hang in there and don't give in. That's all I can think of for the moment. I hope it helps at least a little bit.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been in the same place. My daughter is now 11 and I realize that by giving in to the crying and such, has only taught her that if she talks back to me enough, that maybe she'll get away with it. I struggle a lot now with trying to teach her that what I say goes.

With my next child, (if I have one) I will work to not give in as much when he/she is little. Hopefully it will curb the amount of rebellion and back talk I get now.

On another side that you touched on, I've also struggled with the fact that she will listen to EVERYONE else 10 times better than she will me. My ex-husband argues with me and asks why I have such a hard time getting her to mind me when she never talks back to him. He makes it sound like I'm not doing my job as a mom.

I've had to learn though that it's not all me, that she just listens others better sometimes. I've tried to watch other kids and have picked up on the fact that children will tend to rebel against the one who is their main disipliner. So someone who doesn't typically disipline them (like my ex-husband) they will listen to better.

My advice, try not to give in as much. sometimes you just have to pick your battles and let others go. Also don't beat yourself up too much, kids test their boundaries and different personalities play a big part in it as well. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom, you can only do the best you can.

Good Luck.
C.

From what you have said here, you already know the answer. Your son is challenging your authority and you are giving in. He "wins" so he continues to do it. Yes, it is easier to give in, right now the consequences are not the extreme. What happens when he is 16 and you can't just ignnore him in the back seat? You may have revealed a lot in your " A little about me" You're a single mom and that is extremely difficult. You say you adore your son. Don't! You're the parent, he's the kid. You need to communicate that relationship to your son. You're going to feel better about being a parent, and you're going to raise a much better individual.

Good luck, it's not easy. My son is 17 years old, people always tell me that he is such a fine young man. And, he is. That's the payback for all the work. IT IS WORTH IT!

While I am not a single mom, I have found that my daughter (2 years and a couple months old) can be much more difficult for me. I think that it is because mama is always around. I'm not as exciting as daddy, or even the parents of her friends, so she pushes all of my buttons to see what happens. On those sorts of days, I try to remain firm, but remind her that I love her. She may have her fits, and sometimes toddlers need to have fits to clear their heads, but afterwards we can let go of all those frustrations and enjoy being mama and daughter again. I hope this helps.

I know exactly how you feel on giving in too much, but you need to nip that in the bud or it will get a lot worse. I have a 11 month old son and I stay at home with him, so he does see me more and I'm the one who does most of the disiplining, so he test me all the time.I'm finding out that by not giving into his crying and fits he does so much better listening to me and does better in public too. I used to Nanny and it was easier taking care of other people's kids, but I'm trying to follow the same rules that I did with them and it really does work. Hang in there and just stay calm and strong....

Every time you give in he knows he can break you. This can actually be frightening for a child beacause they realize they're in charge, not mommy. Please don't take the easy way. Decide that what your goals are. What do you want this child to grow up to be as a person, what character quailities do you want him to have. It starts now. Be firm. It's so hard at first because he will get worse before he gets better. He'll keep trying to break you as he did before. But then you'll gradually see a change and parenting will be so much easier. If you don't fight this battle now, the teen age years will be a nightmare.
D.-mom of 9-ages 3 to 31

I watch one of my friends little girls that is 3. She doesn't test me the way that I see her test her mother. I think it is totally normal that a child test the mother or whoever they're with the most. More of a reason for you to stand firm on your rules. I think that as soon as you give in and start giving empty threats they have to push you to see if they can get what they want. If you always follow through with time outs saying no or what ever you want they are bound to understand soon that you mean what you say and won't push so much all of the time. Kids will always test us but hopefully with some guidelines, not as much. Good luck and stand strong.

well it looks like u got alot of advice so far but i just wanted to say i had two boys as a single mom. and i gave in WAY too much. i meet my husband and he helped me to get them under control. i know now i needed to do that long before i did. now when i have to punish my sons after they are done being mad about it and what not i give them a little talk and make sure they know what was bad about their behavior and then i give them a hug and tell them mommy still loves them but she needs to punish them when they are bad. and that seems to work so far.
also they always seemed to behave and listen to EVERYONE except me even now they listen to others better than me. its more of a struggle for me than anyone else.

good luck

You sound just like me. I think you are dealing with a strong willed boy who is two. I think that if he were around his father more the honeymoon would be over, and you would see him trying to get his way in other ways with dad. I was in your position with my second daughter about twenty years ago. The primary care giver is usually who strong willed children will butt heads with over and over again. Luckily I had a first daughter whom was easy going most of the time, and I could compare my second daughter to. Dr. James Dobson has a really good book on the whole issue. After reading that book it made me feel so much better. What's important to do is learn to pick your battles with these little ones. Like you said the car seat is not an issue for you to give in on. Don't think of it as giving in so much as teachable moments. Safety is always top priority. These little ones have their own mind, and are trying to be independent. Giving them choices, and consequences helps.

Unfortunately, regardless of their age, kids are going to push boundaries. However, this isn't entirely bad. By testing his limits, your son is learning what he can and cannot do. If he pushes and you give way, he's learning that it's okay. But if you're firm, then he learns that "I'm not getting anywhere by doing this".
It is extremely important to be consistent. If he can get away with it once, he knows that it's possible to do it again -so even if you say "no" the next 5 times, he knows you could say yes on try 6. And THE most important thing is to follow through. If you follow through with your punishments, he'll learn that you're not joking. When in difficult situations don't threaten to pull-the-car-over if you're not able to. Instead, tell him he's going in time-out when you stop. Once you do stop, make him sit still even if it's in the backseat. But make sure you remind him why he's there. It will take time, and a few tantrums, but in the long run he will listen to you better and respect you more.

Hi K., you already know that giving in doesn't help the situation. This is because when your son cries to get what he wants, he knows that he can just cry harder and you eventually give in. He remembers that crying harder worked last time, so he'll try it again. He is not doing this because it's a mom thing, he's doing this because this is a pattern that the two of you have created. But, the good news is that you have the ability to turn this around before it's too late. You have to remember that you are the mom and you are the boss. What you say goes and you can do it respectfully.

Make sure your yes means yes and your no means no. If you give in sometimes and don't others, this creates a lot of unpredictability for your son and can contribute to his misbehavior.

Children need need limits and they feel more secure when a parental authority has some control over their overwhelming world. Everything is so new to them and they need someone to guide them and tell them what is ok and what is not. This helps them feel safe and secure (this may not be evident in the moment, but this is created by having consistent limits over time).

To start having some control, a great way to handle situations where you feel you may give in is to make up your mind about what is acceptable to you (i.e., no candy at the store) and tell him your expectations ahead of time so he knows what to expect. If he is upset, validate his feelings--"I know that you're upset right now. You really seem angry" (or sad, mad, whatever he is at the time). Briefly give an alternate option (i.e., we can't buy candy at the store right now but you can have a snack when we get home). It may not be what he wants, but those are the rules. Or, give him an option--ie., "you can either pick up your toys by yourself or we can pick them up together" (either way he's picking up the toys and it doesn't really matter if you help or not). Make sure you are ok with either option before you give them to him. Be firm when you talk, but not angry. Make sure your tone of voice is loving, but in a way that he knows you are serious.

Kids this age are really at a point where they want to implement some of their own independence. They have really strong feelings about this. Giving him two acceptable options is a way that he can have some control over his world but in a limited way. See the difference between giving him complete control where he is overwhelmed, and gently guiding the amount of control he has so that he knows how to make good decisions? This also helps him gain self confidence as well.

I work with toddlers and this is a common problem parents have with this age. The key here is to be loving and firm, validate his feelings, give him acceptable options, and be consistent. Let me know if you'd like to talk more about this. Sorry this is so long, but this is something I feel strongly about because I have seen the positive results when limits are set--it will create an even better relationship between you and your son! Best wishes, C.

K.,

I have been in your shoes before. Right now, I am feeling the after effects of giving in when she was younger. I know it is easier to give in, especially since you are a single mom. Even now, my daughter listens to her dad more and only acts up at my house, more because I am the mom. Keep your chin up. It is hard but stand your ground, it will pay off in the end. Best of luck to you!