Single Mother in a New Relationship

You didn't say how long you had been in the relationship? My best friend went through this and she was VERY cautious. She pretty much didn't let him spend time with the boy until they knew they were going to be permanent. They have gone on to get married, get the father to terminate rights and he has adopted her son now. Her son was a little older - he was 5 or 6.

I would definitely wait until you get to know this man better before you let him have time with your daughter alone. The general rule is one year; if you two are still dating happily for after one year, then there is potential for this to become a committed relationship and for your daughter to have a stable father-figure. Otherwise, he is potentially just one more man who will love her and leave her. It takes a least one year to really get to know someone. Do you know his friends? Did you tell him you had a daughter right away? Pedophiles often seek out young mothers who are struggling, knowing they will be allowed to "help" by caring for the child. Sorry to bring up that scary subject, but you must be aware that this is all too common! Please put your daughter first until she can stand on her own two feet - when she is 18.

I noticed that you did not mention how long you have been seeing the new guy. Since you did not, I would err on the side of being cautious. Not to sound too overly suspicious, have you checked this guy out completely? Get a background check on any man you bring around your daughter and yourself for that manner. Good luck.

Until you are absolutely sure about that relationship I would advise you to wait children get attached.

I don't recommend your get your daughter too involved with your new boyfriend, unless you are planning a permanent long-term relationship with him. It will be confusing to your daughter if the relationship doesn't progress or if you meet someone else, and then introduce her to another boyfriend. Good Luck!

Don't let your daughter bond to someone unless you are sure he is going to be in your life permanently. If you let her get close to all the guys you date, it'll be like a divorce for her every time you break up.

All I can tell is from personal experience I would really limit the connection until he mentions making it permanent.

I had a similar situation and my daughter was 4. We dated a year and a half and everyone including me thought it was just a matter of time before we made it permanant, when he decided "he did not want kids". Glad to find out before marriage, but it devistated her. First dad gone, then Bill. From that point on she had next to no contact until my current husbend came along and even then I was careful.

My exhusbend can't seem to figure it out and my daughter gets attached to each of his girlfriends and takes the break ups pretty hard even at 15.

I would advise you to wait until you know you will have a future with the new boyfriend. Children cannot distinguish the difference in "mommy's friend" and "my friend." If things don't work out for you and your new boyfriend and you parts ways, your little girl may think it is because something she did.

I think mother's instinct is usually right on, so go with your gut!

Best wishes with your daughter and your new relationship!

Sounds to me like your plate is already overloaded with a job, nursing school and an energtic 2 year old. Concentrate on child and school. Be totally independant before serious involvement- you have plenty of time for that after graduation.

B.,

I am a single mom and have been for the past 12 years. My son is 18 now and I am 38. I know this site is for mom's of young children, but I ended up here when a friend sent a flower to me from this site and here I am.

I met my, now ex-husband, when my son was 2 and since 2005 I have dated many men in hopes to remarry. I don't have all of the answers and that is why I seek the Lord for direction. One thing I have learned through many mistakes, even with my son at his age, is to be careful. It is our responsibility to protect our children. Their hearts are just as much at stake as ours. Should the relationship not work, our children are effected in sometimes worse ways and they begin not to trust. Take it slow and see where it leads before fully getting your daughter involved.

I wish you God's very, very BEST!!

i'm not attacking you....but did you say your boyfriend loves your daughter...but has had minimal contact w/ her? i didn't understand that. how long have you been in a relationship w/ him? is he someone you're just getting to know or someone you're talking marriage with? if it's the early stages, no. if you're talking it to the next level...then you need to see how your daughter will affect your relationship ...will he be an active participant or not. don't just listen to his words, "i love your daughter"...but really watch his actions...they will speak much louder. then you'll know if this guy is a good fit for you and your daughter.

I am in a similar situation. My daughter 9yrs, dosen't see her father because of a serious problem he has gotten himself into. I started a new relationship 6 mo. ago and my daughter and new boyfriend took to each other very well. I think it is a very good sign if a child takes to someone, children have a good sence of character. If you dont know him very well just keep an eye on how she responds to him, for example if she really likes him now and later seems to turn from him or screem when she sees him you better take a closer look at things. My daughter didnt like my last boyfriend and come to find out he had been hitting her.

I would totally wait just because you would not want to do that to her if something happen to the relationship.That would make her sad.Also it sounds like your life is pretty busy to through this in to your world might be stressful.

Also I see so many news reports about how the boyfriends did something or killed the kids.That makes me nuts and I do not even have to worry about this kinda of thing.

I am not saying this is your guy.But your daughter is by far the most important thing in life.

I have never had this problem myself but friends and family I have had tell me it was a hard thing to handle both good and bad.You may not need to worry yourself, wait till it might be seriuos first and then go slowly like any relationship it takes time.

Good Luck

From experiences of myself and friends, don't let your child get envolved unless you know this relationship is going somewhere. Also you said he loves her but they've only been around each other minimum, so don't be naive and to quick, its hard to be single and not get to caught up, but please take it slow. You have to be careful, don't get to caught up in being love struck to recognize trouble. Especially if he's saying he loves your daughter, he may be working on brownie points. Don't leave your daughter alone with him. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just know that it takes time to really know someone.

I just would not allow them to interact alone together. I don't want to burst your bubble, this guy may be wonderful, but it takes time to see how/who a person really is.

I know it is a difficult decision to make but you are really the only person who can answer your question. You need to figure out how committed your boyfriend really is, but don't ask too soon or be too pushy because that could put a lot of pressure on your young relationship. I'm assuming that if he is your boyfriend now that he is okay with you having a child. If I were you I would just introduce him as a friend but keep the contact between the two minimal. If he wants to spend more time with the both of you great, but if it doesn't work out it will be easy to explain away.

I think that is a call you would have to make. I am now married to a man who is not my daughters' father, but I allowed them to make a connection right from the start. However, he and I had known each other for several years before we started dating, even though he hadn't met my daughters yet. From the beginning we knew we'd end up together for the long run so I didn't worry about him being around the girls and then leaving. At the time my daughters were 3 1/2 and 1 year. My daughters' father isn't around but like twice a year. Now they call my husband daddy and love him like he's their father. They are happier now because of it.

You are the only one who can make that call since you know how serious you and your boyfriend are. If you are still in the sort of dating/together phase maybe you should wait until you are a little more serious.

Good luck to you and your daughter though!

B. I wouldnt let her get involved with him just yet because you dont how the relationship will go right now.When you get seriously involved and you know that he will be around you can let him get involved.My daughter doesnt let her two sons see anyone that she has dated.She said that she didnt want to confuse them about letting them get close to someone and they walk out of there lives.So just take your time and see how things work.B. F.

You say he "loves your daughter" but there is "minimal exposure." Love grows; it doesn't just burst into being, so don't be too quick to say he loves her. Be careful. First of all, do you really need this relationship at this point in your life? You are already doing a lot with full-time work, school, and your daughter. Adding a man into the equation further stretches your resources. I'd take it slow and least get school off your plate. Keep the contact minimal, since if you break up that's another blow to your daughter and she'll start having trust issues. Keep your antennae up as to whether the man really does like kids, though, and whether he'd be a good father. Is he talking marriage? If so, would you really want to be married to him for the long haul? Make a list of 10 must-haves and 10 can't-haves. If he is missing any of the must-haves and has any of the can't-haves, shut it down. You can't change him. Better to suffer a little heartbreak now than a lot later on.

Your plate is full, move on without a man. Your daughter needs you and it seems as though you are already stretched pretty far, on time and energy.

I'd say be careful. We're doing a show about single parents and dating based on a 10 year giving birth in January...her mother's boyfriend is the father. Not all boyfriend's or girlfriends (for fathers) are bad. You just have to weigh out every situation and DO A BACKGROUND CHECK...at least its a start.

i am a single mother and I believe that you should let them hang out together. After spending time together, all of you, you might find that he's not very good with her. Better to find out sooner than later. Or, the opposite which is most likely to happen. He's amazing with her. Kids are resilient. My daughter's father has not seen her since she was 11 months old and she is now 3. I am dating a guy right now. We met at the park, so first day he met my kid and i met his, so we just continued to do family type stuff together. Just make the first few times all together a fun family event and your daughter will see how cool this guy is and fun to be around. Although, I will warn you, kids will play favorites. My daughter would obviously rather be with me than my boyfriend, but when I'm not in the room, i see her look around for me then run up and kiss him on the cheek. So, I say bring them together. And if it doesn't work out, and you guys do break up, make it a good break up and you'll be teaching your child how to handle things the right way. Not everything in life is fair but you have to make the best of it. I think it's a good lesson that can stick for many years to come.

I'm a single mom of 3 kids and I would suggest if you are going to be in a long term relationship with this guy then you let your daughter spend time with him.You have to look at all your options cause he may try something with your daughter while you are not around you know what I mean.I don't care how long you been knowing someone you don't know what they are capable of.I'm sorry I have a daughter and her father is around,but let me remind you I don't put nothing pass no man what so ever.I love all my kids and since I had kids I don't trust no one at all,cause for some reason alot of people tell me the little comments that my step-dad makes it seems like he wanted me.My mom has been with him over 30 years and right now today he still make stupid comments toward me and I still don't trust him none what so ever.Good luck on what you decide

R.

When I was a single mom and met my now husband, it was as important to me for my boys to bond with him as it was for me. In a way, it was more important to me for him to bond with the boys than me, at first. I made it very clear that I was a 'package' deal and my kids came first. I wasn't trying to replace their dad but I still wanted to have a complete family to make a stable home. When my hubby started taking them on as his, and really connect with them, it made me love him even more. Their bio dad is around when he has nothing better to do but we're here together and the kids have no question about who loves them. There are still a lot of quirks to work out but we've been married now for 5 years and it is only successful because he loves my kids and me both. There are those that will say that you shouldn't involve your kids till it's serious, and maybe so. But I didn't want to get serious unless my kids liked him as well. Like I said, 'package deal'. Good luck with it all.

The nursing program is very hard, their is nothing easy about it, I have seen marriages fall apart, relationships fail because of the stress of hard work and dedication that comes with the program. Now with this said the only person that you can MAKE time for is your child. And take it from me you will feel the guilt of not having enought time for her so..... please dont put yourself and your wonderful child through any unwanted drama. study hard and Good luck.

How long ago has the "recent relationship" started? If it is recent and he has had minimal contact with your daughter, why do you say he loves your daughter (he doesn't even know her)?
Does he tell you that he loves you? The answer to these questions may help you to put this relationship into perspective. If you are in school to become a nurse and have a 2 year old daughter, it is important for you to prioritize your life relationships. I have been nursing for 28 years and part of that time was teaching at the college of nursing. Monitoring a recent boyfriend and your daughter together could be a distraction from what you need to be focusing on - your child and school. I see a bright future for you and your beautiful energetic 2 yr old daughter - stay focused and complete the course.

Not so soon. Not unless you and he are in a serious relationship. Detachment is very hard on children. This happened with me. I was single seeing a guy with two young boys and we all became attached. But when he and I didn't see each other anymore, it was tougher on his kids which made it extremely heartbreaking for us adults. Think about your children and how it affects them too.

I think you should keep the contact minimal until you know more about him. I am a single mother too and the last thing you want is her feeling abandoned if your relationship doesn't work. Relationships are complicated enough, I wouldn't let it overflow onto your daughter. Good luck, hope he stays great!

If the relationship becomes serious allow them to bond. However, if you're not sure wait. Small kids have trouble understanding when an adult they've bonded with no longer wants to spend time with them. I was a single mother at one point,my daughter had just turned three and the only man my daughter connected with is my husband. I feel that it was best for her to only meet "the one", that way she didn't worry that he would someday disappear.

Tooooooo soon! I know it sounds mean to say but please give her the space she needs. I say this because if you two break up, she will see it as her fault. Children place themselves in the line of fire for blame all the time. I counseled kids for years and can tell you I saw it time and time again. wait until the relationship is one you know you want to marry him and he wants the same. She is always going to be your little girl, you just don't know if he will be the one.
Great question. I pray you and your daughter find the man that can be the hubby and daddy you both need and want!

GO SLOW!!! There are too many people out there that will not treasure your daughter as much as you do. The man that you've started your new relationship with may be the most wonderful guy on earth but you can't know that early in the relationship. Allow him to bond slowly with your daughter and always while you are present. You don't mention a time-frame so asking if it's too soon doesn't allow me to know how long you've been dating this man.
I'd say date him for a year before ever letting your daughter be alone with him. Try to observe his feelings and actions around other children such as his nieces and nephews if he has any. This may sound really old-fashioned but it may save you and your daughter a lot of heartaches.

Hi -

Gosh you are so busy and with a young daughter, I hope you have family close by that can help support you when you need a break (to relax, have quiet time, or go on a date)!

You said you recently started the relationship, that is always a challenging time, even without children. My suggestions would be that you really get to know this man yourself first. Anyone can seem wonderful for a short time (and I hope he really is) but it's the long term that tells all the tales of what a person truly is. Putting the well being of your daughter first will always be the best thing for you and her.

Best of luck (you must be Super Woman to work full time and go to school!)!