just curious what the average woman does here. we just found out that our step son has met, and even shared a bed with, his mom's latest boyfriend. her ex just moved out of their house in late march (they were together for a little over a year and before that she had a couple short term relationships and one longer one.. and he met all of those guys too). we are estimating that she has been with this guy for less than a month.
i understand that it must be hard being a single mom and trying to date but we really feel like this is too much too soon.. esp since her ex just moved out a few months ago... and the fact that he has slept in a bed with her and her new boyfriend REALLY bothers us.
we have asked to meet her new bf and questioned her aobut him but she won't respond to any of the texs that we have sent today (we just found out about him the weekend before last and found out about the sleeping thing and "leaving his boots at mommy's house" this weekend). the text were not worded rude.. just asking who _____ was and if he was going to be in our son's life that we would like to meet him. we also shared out knowledge that they shared a bed.
my step son is only 5 and he has already been exposed to a lot of her men(i've been his step mom since he was a baby). i know what damage this can cause on a child. and it really hurts to know that this is his life when he is at her house and that this will continue to be his life.
we disagree with most of the things she does and so we are quick to judge.. that is why i would like insight from others.
*** we have the typical non custodial parent custody arrangement, where we have him every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend but we are saving up to take her to court for custody. there are lots of other things that have happened that we do not approve of and we have been documenting for years. we have not called to talk to her about this bc we prefer text or email bc we can use it for documentation purposes. she still has not responded to our questions about this man and why he has slept in a bed with them (yes he has his own bed! and they did it on a camping trip but they were in a camper that had two other beds and he couldve shared a bed with his 10 year old cousin.. there were other options.) there is nothing in my husbands custody order that prevents over night stays and he was never married to my step son's mom. but like i said, once we have enough money saved we do plan on taking her to court to try to get sole custody (50/50 wont work bc we live over a hour away from each other). we can just provide a better more nuturing and stable home for him. wanting custody has snothing to do with "hurting her".. it is about providing the best for him.
I am not a single mom, but I would never let me child meet a man I was dating unless I was absolutely positive it was going to be a long term thing, possibly a marriage. I agree that it can be damaging to a child to see men come and go. So sad.
Well, this brings up horrible thoughts for me. My 'older' sister had a boyfriend. I was young. I slept with both of them and 'he' molested me while she was sleeping. Why is the child sharing a bed with an adult male--unattended? The "mom" is sleeping, so she is endangering that boy !
Plus a lot of pedophiles seek single women with kids ! That's a fact.
I agree with Beth. I don't know if it is practical so let's set a time frame instead: Maybe 6 months. I think a guys real personality comes out after 6 months anyway.
If I was single, I wouldn't let any man around my kids before 6 months because I think it's dangerous and stupid. I know many moms do and they are being foolish.
As a single mom I have to say - EWWWW. So unacceptable.
Revolving door policies on boyfriends are just confusing to children. My son never met anyone I dated after about age 3 - before that he was just too young to care. And I never had one sleep over, much less share a bed with my son and a "date". Ewwww, again.
I don't know what the child custody/support papers in place say, but mine has a clause in it barring any persons from the opposite sex, not related by blood or marriage, from sleeping in the house when the minor child is present. Since my Ex had a revolving door policy with girlfriends, and my son, at about age 3, asked me "why all the other Mommies sleep with my Daddy" it was a welcome addition to my custody papers.
Your step son's mom is not obligated to introduce you to her boyfriends, but you should all definitely have a talk to her about exposing the child to a series of random men. And express how unacceptable it is to have him share a bed with those same random strangers. Oh, what a potential recipe for disaster.
Since the child obviously stays at both your home and her's, why can she not limit her sleep overs to the nights when he is not with her?
Oh, and don't get me started on having live in boyfriend's with children. I am just very old fashioned about what children should be exposed to. It is confusing enough for them when Mommy and Daddy don't live together - but to add boy/girlfriends, random dates, and live ins to the mix, is just creating a untenable situation that children just don't understand - and that causes confusion, fear, and insecurity.
I hope that you can help her understand that - for the child's sake.
Good Luck
God Bless
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It's best (in my opinion) to keep the men out of their little lives until you feel like it's someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with. It's not good to let them bond with men and then yank them out of their lives over and over, I'm sure it makes kids have trust issues. And when they grow up and remember it all, well it makes mom look kinda slutty to say the least (if it's a frequent occurrence)... and they do all grow up eventually.
I didn't even date until almost 8 years after my daughter's DB and I split. It was on accident she met the guy - he had decided to stop by to set up my computer w/o calling then was shocked to meet her! It's now been about 2 years (and a baby) since that ended and I'm pretty secure in saying it will be another 8 years before I even consider it. There are just too many creeps and my girls are worth more than risking it.
I think that she is totally out of line. I am not a single mom, but I have always felt that if for some reason something happened to my husband, I would not even consider dating until all of my kids were grown. I don't want my kids to have to go through situations like you are describing, and I think that you get all emotionally attached to a person and start making decisions that maybe you wouldn't normally make. That doesn't sound like it is the case with her since this is not the first time she has done this. Does her son not have his own room? Have you considered going back to court to try and get full custody of your step son if you don't have it already? To me, that is not a good environment for him to be in. but that is just my opinion.
I realize that most people don't think the above is doable in that case, I think that people should wait at least a year from the time they start dating someone to introduce them to their children. I also do not think that you should introduce them to the children unless you are considering marriage. If you are not considering marriage, then there is no reason to introduce your kids....again....just my opinion.....
I had intended to wait just about forever, lol.
Instead, I introduced my then-toddler to my now-husband somewhere around 6-8 weeks. I had a good feeling about him, and I married him 6 months after that. (Almost 11 years ago.)
We didn't move in together until 2 weeks before the wedding. At that point, ds did have the opportunity to climb into bed with us from time to time.
FTR, when I attempted to get an order to keep ds from spending the night with his father's live-in girlfriend at the time (now wife), our (NJ) judge got VERY uppity with me about how the courts aren't to be used for "that type of thing".
I don't blame you! Even if you have to get "legal" your husband has every right to know who is occupying a house overnight with his young son!
At least 6 months to a year and really needs to be a serious relationship otherwise you need to act like friends in front of your child.
I would have your husband's lawyer petition to add a clause to the custody agreement that there are not to be any boyfriends or male friends sleeping over when your stepson is there much less having them be allowed to sleep in the same bed as your stepson. Obviously a marriage would change things, but it seems that she's not interested in remarrying right now.
I don't think you're being too quick to judge on this one. I think you care for your stepson a great deal and want him to be safe.
I spoke to my ex's pyychologist about this who happens to be an awesome child psych (which is why he's great at working through my ex's childhood trauma i guess) but he said the time at which they meet someone is not important and won't affect a child (as long as its not the first few weeks and you know the person's basic character), He said the most impt thing is how you do it. No affection like kissing or hugging (a friendly hug goodbye is fine) should be infront of your child and they should only see them once every 2-4 weeks so it;s J. like they're hanging with one of your friends, and then it can gradually increase. Also eventually (the key word eventually ) he said its good to show affection in front of them when you know your SO will be around for a while , (possibly not forever but a while) and that if eventually you end things you are there for your child. I was concerned that my daughter shold only meet the ONE and he assured M. that I shouldn't put so much time worrying about that because as long as I follow those basic rules it will be fine. Kids do lose loved ones in life, uncles and aunt and friends move away or drift, and you J. have to be there for them to get over it, plus until you're really serious they should J. see the person as your friend. I waited around 4 1/2 months for my daughter to meet my boyfriend (it felt silly waiting longer since all of my friends know her, but I consulted my ex beforehand and the child psych to make sure I did it right) and it went well and then did the ever 2-4 weeks thing and am still doing that (once it was 2 times in a week (because there was a holiday and bbq's and I wasn't going to punnish her and not let her go for a rule but then I J. make it 4 weeks before the next time)...we sneek hugs and kisses when she is away from us for a minute, and its kind of fun. I have had hm over once after she went to bed and he was only there for 2 hours, she will not see him sleeping over any time soon, afterall its her safeplace, her home. That sittuation seems innapropriate and maybe he should think about talking to child services or fighting for more custody.
I'm a single mom with a 6 year old boy and I was dating the same guy for about 6-7 months before my son met him and when he did, we did it at Hibachi since it's normal to sit with strangers at hibachi. it took another 4-6 weeks before he came over to have dinner at my house when I had my son.
We've been dating over a year now and he's only spent the night at my house ONCE and it was because he had surgery that same day, couldn't go up the steps to his apartment, and he slept on the couch. I had a big talk with my son beforehand b/c he knows that no one is allowed in mommy's bed before marriage.
His dad doesn't follow the same rules (although HE was the one who originally came up with all the dating rules when we first divorced) and he's now about to move in the 2nd girl in less than a year. This one is still married with two very young boys. Needless to say, I tend to be even more conservative b/c of his immorality and adultery.
What you describe is completely unacceptable and is setting a horrendous example to her child. Unfortunately, there's not much you can legally do about it unless the divorce papers states no opposite sex overnight guests.
