Single Mom with 4 Month Old son...how Should Time-sharing with His Dad Go?

Is there someone who has recent experience with babies/breastfeeding that he would listen to? Perhaps a very tired buddy or co-worker who will attest to the fact that he REALLY does not want to do this? Just a thought....

Dear L.,

I am sorry you are dealing with somthing so difficult with such a young child.

I read all the other responses and agree that overnights would be too hard right now but I had one other thought. If you are pumping and freezing your milk you might be able to give the baby's father a bit more time with your son if he is able to feed him from a bottle, that is if he will take a bottle.

I know all the other mom's had a different perspective but my husband would do bottle feedings between my breast feeding and look after our son for a few hours on the weekends so I could get a rest and a break. This was a special time for them to bond and as he got older he was happy to be left with his Dad. I know sharing your baby is hard but he will need his Dad so much and it is important for babies to learn about all their different relationships and that his Dad is a person who he can always rely on to meet his needs. It would be a very kind gesture to set somthing up for this Sunday which is Father's Day.

Being generous can be really hard but also a way to show your son that despite your differences, you want him to have his Dad too.

Good luck,

N.

#1. Leave the courts out of it if you can. It is better to be civil with each other and have an agreement on custody than have it court assigned. Then you are signing away your power to make any alterations that may suit you both. It doesn't matter what the "norm" is, it matters what makes your family most happy!

#2. I wouldn't recommend him taking baby overnight yet. When my daughter was very young, I would drop her off with her dad after he got off work for a few hours in the evening 2-3 times a week. I got a nice break, and he was able to bond with her on a regular basis. I felt it wasn't too much for either of them, (IE she didn't have to scream for me bc I was gone too long, and he didn't lose his mind trying to take care of her.) and they really enjoyed themselves and their time together.
My daughter didn't start staying the night with her dad until she was 2.5. But that is just me. Make sure he has a way to reach you if things get hairy!

#3. As far as the feeding goes, are you able to pump? If you are only gone for like 3 hours, you shouldn't have to. But say if you wanted to be gone for 4-5 hours, you would have to leave him with 4-5 oz. Just tank him up before you leave, and nurse him right when you pick him up. That was a huge plus for my kiddo. 1 on 1 with daddy, then mommy coming back to do her favorite thing immediately, (nurse!)
and having both parents there for a short period of time. We would play all together after nursing for 5-10 minutes.
If we felt animosity, we would suck it up for a few and cut it a little short.

#4. I don't want to suggest anything cruel or evil about your sons father, but make sure you have a SERIOUS talk with him about shaken baby syndrome. Leaving a man with a little baby who is screaming his head off for mom and won't settle down for hours is a recipe for snapping. It has happened, and it does happen all the time. Here is a link. http://www.dontshake.org/

#5. Good luck Mama!

He should be with you the most because a baby, esp. a nursing baby, really needs and prefers mommy right now. Hopefully the father will be ok with that. As the baby gets older, he can spend more time with dad.

I wouldn't have him spend the night with dad right now.

I think I would let him take him one night. If your baby is anything like my two were, he will scream and scream until he gets Momma. You will probably get a phone call at 3 in the morning to come and pick him up.

Hi L.,
That's a tough situation. I think it really depends on what your son's father is like. It seems like a good sign that he is insistent upon spending time with his son - a lot of men aren't like that.

That being said, at that age my husband was watching our baby all day every day (he had been laid off so I went back to work and he stayed home!). He turned out to be perfectly capable. Granted he didn't do everything the way I would have, but he cared for our baby like she was the most precious thing on this planet! He's a big hulk of a guy, yet would sing to her, play with her, take her on walks. When she started eating solids, he would carefully make meals from scratch and blend the food up in a blender to feed her. I just pumped and left him with bottles to feed her while I was gone in terms of breastmilk. Also he would happily get up for every feeding at night, so I don't buy that "men can't take care of newborns" thing. There are ones out there who can and do.

I know it is hard, but my advice is to start with short visits and work your way up from there. What a precious gift to give your son - two loving parents who are willing to work together for his well-being and happiness.

L., I have spent the last year in court fighting the same thing. It started when our daughter was 6 months old. If you would like to talk please let me know, I have made many mistakes and have learned a lot.

____@____.com

Leslie,

To be honest, you have not provided enough information about yourself, your husband/boyfriend to make a fair decision about a father's rights. If he's a decent, capable and caring individual, he has just as much right to bond with your/his child as you do.

What do adoptive parents do with newborns? What do gay men do when they adopt newborns? If you sincerely want to breast feed for a year and have to work, you will have to learn about pumping and storing brestmilk.

Lastly, is there anyway that the two of you can co-exist in the same place in order to be with your four month old child? Who comes first with both of you?

Blessings.....

Hi L., I would wait until your son is a little older before he starts staying the night at his dad's house. At 4 months old he is still a newborn, and there is nothing like a mommy at that age. If you and his dad are on good terms, why not have him stay the night with you, he can sleep on the couch, if he wants him overnight. Most men do not want to take care of a newborn overnight. I would let his dad have him during the day for no more than 3-4 hour stretches, til he gets older. Babies need consistency and routine and shuffling him around to different houses with different routines will only make him a cranky baby. Sit down and talk with you x and work something out. Good luck

A nursing child can't leave the mother. Can't he stay overnight at your home? If he is not violent it seems that just a dislike for him should not prevent him from staying the night. Obviously he was able to do it at least once.

Or maybe you can speak to his mother. Since she was once a mother to an infant too, maybe she can help her son understand that a newborn belongs with the mother 24 hours a day.

I hope you and the father live close to each other and can get along well enough for frequent, but short visits. I agree totally with what others have said about no overnights at this point, and I don't think it's a good idea for a breastfeeding child to be away from you for more than about three hours at a time, because they tend to feed about that often. If you are dealing this custody issue through the legal system, I pray you get a judge who understands the needs of a very young child and helps you on this issue.

Ditto what Page said. Best of luck to you and your little guy!

Hi Leslie! ;)
I wanted to comment on how brave you're being. It is easy in a situation like this, as the mother who SO recently had complete and total control over "when and where" with baby because he was in YOUR body;....it is so easy to get "tunnel vision" and do/think ONLY what you want to do/think. For you to seek out other opinions from fellow moms that have no particular bias toward either parent is commendable on your part. Admitting that the "control" is not really your's ONLY anymore.
I was glad to see the opinions "for" the dad from a few of the mothers. After all, Dad's don't really get as much credit as SOME of them deserve. They ARE more capable then I think most of us expect from them; that's not to speak for ALL of them. But thank God for those that are. And praise the mothers that have the patience and bravery to communicate w/and teach dads about what is best for the babys; after all, dad's are not born with the natural "maternal instinct" that we are. The more faith you have in the father and the more encouragement and praise you give him,...the better he will do. That goes for any person in the world I for the matter!
However, I do agree with the moms that say that overnights at this age are a little hard on the baby. Yes, it does happen, ie: adoption, etc. I just think that the less stress on the baby the better. Just think about how consistently comfortable the baby was for TEN WHOLE MONTHS in your womb not too long ago. To be out of your body and away from mom all together is tough, i'd imagine. So if it's avoidable and can be eased into something more and more; (the hour long joined playdates I thought were a very kind idea for the baby, with the agreement to "suck it up" for that time).
Anyway, was glad to hear what your final decision was and good luck to you! Much love and big time positive thoughts your way.....
S.

L.,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this now. Your baby should be with you primarily for bonding and for breastfeeding. As your child gets older- then let him have overnights with dad etc.

Molly