Custody or Visitation or What Should I Do???

yes, the courts may decide in his favor. I have a friend who went thru this. She was breast-feeding & was court-ordered to allow 50/50 custody.... simply because they both were good parents & both wanted the child. She had to pump enough to make it thru "his" days with their child.

& here's the thing I don't get: if you chose to keep this child, if you chose to have a part-time parenthood co-existing with the biological father.....then "why" do you think you should have the priviledge of picking & choosing when/where/how? He wants to be Dad, you want to be Mom - why do you think your opinion carries more credence? Think about all that he is missing out on.....all due to your desire to finish school! He's giving you that....

It seems to me he's been patient. He's missed out on a lot already. If he truly wants to be Dad & you want to be Mom....then maybe it's time to put it all together & be a family for your child. Yes, he should be paying support. & maybe it's time for the two of you to stop drawing lines & .....?maybe one of you move closer to the other! You stated that you need "time and space and focus to finish school".......isn't he the perfect one to be doing that for the child you created together?

All of my response is based on the fact that you have not slammed him for being derelict. All of your arguments have been geared toward what you want & need....& it seems as if he's already given you that. I agree that he's entitled to equal rights.

It would seem that it is to everyone's benefit that your ex be involved with his son. You need space to focus on school, and you need time to yourself. Your son's father wants to be involved, which is great. So many women have the entire responsibility or have men who deny they are the fathers. Yours wants to be hands-on.

I think you may be experiencing what many new moms feel, which is anxiety about being separate from their infants. This is normal, but it's not great to use breastfeeding as an anchor. Many women pump breast milk very effectively, particularly those who have outside jobs or go to school. Perhaps your child's father can mix breast milk and formula if the supply is low, but I'm not sure why you think pumping will interfere with your supply. Some women have supply problems, but many others do not. If you pump when your son is away, you'll have plenty for the next visit - just freeze it, and nurse normally when your son is home.

You don't seem to want a romantic relationship with your son's father, which is fine. You should, however, make your parenting relationship somewhat structured, for everyone's sake. You can protect yourself and also avoid a lot of expense if you and your ex use the same mediator. That person works out an equitable agreement, and then it is just signed off on by the court without a lot of time with the judge. Judges prefer this anyway. If your ex has income and wants an agreement, why wouldn't you go along with it? As long as your interests are protected, this would be great. You can stop worrying. You can do some research on line if you want, and then present your wishes to the mediator. I don't know why you don't want an agreement - do you mean you don't want one out of court, or you don't want to be required to abide by something? You really can't call all the shots - it's 2010 and dads have rights. That doesn't mean that he will get half the time. I'm not sure how he will do that if he is working anyway, unless he has family. So you may not be losing 50% of the time. Courts tend to see the child's needs as varying with age.

He will have to pay child support and if he defaults, he'll be in contempt. You can have his wages garnished. If he wants a visitation agreement, then he can go along with a financial agreement too. If he is working and you are not, then he will have to pay some support - I can't imagine why he wouldn't have to. A trained mediator will be able to help with this. They know what the courts tend to award.

Your son's future is important to you, as you say, so doing everything you can to secure it is a good thing. That means finishing school and having earning power for yourself, but it also means having his father involved. That will involve some sacrifice for you in terms of being in charge. A custody agreement would include the requirement for each of you to notify the other in case of emergency - anyone who doesn't is in contempt.

Please hire an attorney NOW to protect your rights. I would try for him getting visitation only. Document all visits, money, problems, etc in a journal. You are right to keep your breastfeeding on track. Good luck:0)

If you are not with the father - you need to go to court and get custody set up officially. Right now, with no court order in place, he has 50/50 custody by default. What this means is that if he decided just to keep the baby one day - the police would not be able to DO anything. You could tell them until you're blue that you usually keep the baby, but the police enforce the court orders. Default is that he has just as much right to custody as you do.

Do it now before there is a problem.

Also get child support set up officially.

I don't blame his Dad for wanting some overnight experience - in fact I think it's awesome. As you get further along you should be able to pump and store milk so you could give him a night or two. Early on its a bad idea to introduce bottles. It sounds like he's reasonable, and a lot of women hope the father of their children will be as interested as he is. Be honest with him.. tell him as you get further along in the feeding your supply should be able to handle it, but its best not to give a breastfed baby any bottles this young. Make sure, for the best of your child, that you're not being selfish.. be willing to share. Your son needs time to bond with his Dad, too.

Would your parents let him stay the night at your house a few times? Could he do baby duty, let you nurse and then take over walking the baby around, changing diapers, etc?

Good luck, I know you will do whats best for you baby.

Every single question you asked is a question an attorney will be able to answer. You can get a legal aid attorney but it will be hard, they get swamped and only take a few calls a month. I am assuming you are in college and are in a certain degree plan that you can't get where he lives. Can he move closer and make the drive to his work and things? I don't think any judge would give him over nights with a newborn that is breast feeding. I don't know if a judge would give him visitation even when the child is a toddler if he's still breastfeeding.

Only an attorney in your qarea will know how the judges tend to rule in cases like this. They will also require him to pay child support. It can be taken out of his wages before he gets his check and then disbursed to you. We get assistance through the Child Support Enforcement and we love it. We are raising several of my grandchildren.

Please contact an attorney so you can be at peace about this issue. You can be respectful and kind to your child's father without all the drama of a huge court fight. If you both go in with the attitude of taking good care of the baby it will go better for both of you.

Hang in there, M.! I couldn't have imagined being separated from my baby overnight at 3 mos old! (The first time I was away for a night she was 14 months old and weaned.) And good for you for putting school first, that's what will help you be able to provide for yourself and your child into the future!

I would talk with a lawyer, and keep talking to different ones until you find one that you feel listens to you and you feel comfortable with. They all do first consultations free. The court system is not always logical, so the best is if you and the father can work out an agreement that you can present to the court, not let them decide for you. But a lawyer can advise you as to what a court will accept and give suggestions you might not have thought of. Each state has different rules around child support, so don't take any one's statements on this site for fact until you verify with a lawyer who knows the law of NE. Good luck to you!

I suggest that you get an attorney. Trying to deal with the father on your own just feels too stressful to me. Go to court and get everything into a court order. By filing in court, you will have access to a facilitator who will help the two of you work out a plan.

As your baby's father, he is able to put him on his insurance plan. Perhaps he would have to pay extra. I doubt that you can put him on medicaid since the state knows that he's the father and has easy access to insurance.

I suggest that he doesn't want to go to court because he knows that in the end he will have to pay more. I urge you to go to court to get what your baby and you are entitled to having. I also suggest that this is insight into what life would be like if you were to marry him. Tight fisted people rarely change to a more open way of thinking. Being tight fisted is usually related to more than money.

Yes, it is important for your baby to have a relationship with his father and I agree that you are right in working towards that. I also agree that overnights are not appropriate at this age, especially since you are breast feeding. He does need the security of being in one place and being breast fed on schedule or demand.

I suggest that it could be possible that the father could be alone with the baby for short periods of time. How to arrange that logistically is complicated. Perhaps a compromise would be for you to let him have the baby in one room while you're in another part of the house.

As to court, the best interests of the child is their primary concern. You can ask for your baby to have his own attorney to further ensure that happen tho that may make the case more complicated. Given the two options, of trying to deal with a "tight fisted" father alone and having the court decide, I'd definitely choose going to court.

I have had much experience with the court system and do trust the one in my county. Perhaps there are or will be posters from your county who can reassure you. I suggest that you learn about your county's court system. You can usually consult with an attorney without charge as you work towards hiring one. A part of that visit is to determine if this attorney is one that agrees with your parenting style and would work towards your goals. You can also learn about what to expect in court as well as the cost and how you can arrange payments.

If you know that you cannot afford a private attorney, make an appointment with Legal Aid to see how they can help you. You don't have to use them. I'm suggesting that you explore all options.

I'm also suggesting that it is in both yours and your baby's best interests to have an unrelated third person with legal experience represent you. You can negotiate with this help and perhaps avoid court. A mediator could help you work with the baby's father to come to an out of court decision. You will benefit from getting professional help and that can be arranged without horrendous cost.

I wish you well at this difficult time. I am concerned that the father doesn't seem aware of the importance of consistent breast feeding. Perhaps you could provide him with written info about breast feeding as well as the needs of a 3 month old infant. There is much info on the Internet that you could send him via e-mail.

Later:

I met an ER nurse who flew to the East coast twice/month to spend time with his toddler son. Your baby's father could get a room and stay the weekend, thus having more time with his son. I understand you needing space to figure out what you want to do with this relationship and having the father in town for a weekend doesn't provide much space but perhaps it would be best for now. Perhaps a compromise would be to allow 1-2 bottle feedings/24 hours so that the father could spend a few hours with his son. He would also be in town which might help you feel more secure about your baby's welfare.

I urge you to get involved, either thru the courts or by hiring a private one, raw with a mediator. It sounds like both of you do want what is best for your son. A disinterested but professional third part could hasten this process and provide a sense of control for both of you.

Portland has an attorney's office that advertises mediation. It may not be easy to find a mediation service but I urge you to look. Talk with an attorney, too. This process is very complicated and could end up with no one being happy. Get professional help!

I strongly agree that whatever you decide, whether thru mediation or not, be put into a court order. The situation is much more clear to everyone involved that way.

I would agree that you need to consult with a lawyer that will be on your side and can argue your case most effectively and be aware of your rights. But it's not clear from your post if you and the dad are still in a relationship together, or trying to get back together, or thinking about it, or just totally split.
Dad needs to understand that maybe eventually you can do 50/50, overnights, etc. but right now is not the best time. In the meanwhile, can you guys come up with some kind of agreement on your own about him visiting on a regular basis and contributing financially? I would also start documenting everything (conversations, when he does visit, etc.) so you can present your case more effectively.

There so much more to parenting than biology. Just because he is the biological father, in my book, doesn't necessarily mean much. And in this case it sounds like I'm right. He may be the father in name but he has to show that he wants to and know how to parent (or at least learn). Parenting involves emotional, physical and financial support (just to mention a FEW) for the child and the partner.

It also seems to me that you aren't sure of your rights and you don't want confrontation so it would be best to let a third party (the courts, a lawyer, etc) help you decide custody and financial arrangements.

As for breastfeeding and the age of your baby: pumping can only go so far and it can not replace the real thing; and the "natural" tendency is for a baby to want to be with his/her mother. However, that doesn't mean that others can't care or provide for a baby, yet we've chosen to allow our children to act on their natural instincts of wanting mom more than dad during the first year of their lives. We've let them wean themselves from me to dad. Now, my son (33 months) adores his father and wants him more than me and my daughter (11 months) has times where she will seem to "jump" from my arms to get to daddy when she sees him.

I wish you the best and if you and he and keep your child's best interests in mind and not your own, it will work out.

DEFINITELY work with the court system to determine visitation. The courts base visitation on "age-appropriate" guidelines, and overnight visits are not generally recommended until about 2.5 years. (http://life.familyeducation.com/divorce/visitation/45566.....

Honestly, I think that the child's best interests are more likely to be met if you work with an independent third party such as a mediator or the court system. The third party has more experience in making recommendations based on what is best for the child at each stage of development. Both you and your ex have your own issues that interfere with making an objective decision in the best interest of the child. You could also look into the possibility of requesting a lawyer to represent solely the interests of your child.

I'm going to copy and paste some comments from a different thread:. Regarding overnight visitation:
"There are different laws and guidelines in different states. And some of it is the luck of the draw with your judge. Check out Laleche website and www.attachmentparenting.org for some helpful articles about this to read and give to your lawyer.
Also, it's probably a good idea to DOCUMENT everything, including the following:
"1. document all his visits. Who initiated it. How long he stayed. What he did with the baby. Keep track of things like does he change diapers? Can he feed (and/or give bottle) successfully. Can he bathe baby. Can he soothe baby when he cries? Get him down for a nap? Has he ever put baby to bed at night. Keep careful record of every visit.
2. document anytime he is late, leaves early, or cancels.
3. obviously document any concerns if you have them about safety, appropriateness, etc.
4. observe (and this will change as baby gets older) how baby responds to him and document.

There are also 2 approaches, in a way. On one hand, if you are really trying to prevent overnights... you want to, as much as possible, not give him opportunities for those caregiving things. Never ask him to put baby to bed, bathe him, etc. Never ask him to come for extra time. Then you can use that argument in court. He doesn't have the parenting skills. He is not familiar to baby, etc. This will most likely buy you time. Would give more of a chance of the judge ordering gradual increase in visitation leading up to overnights.

The other approach, of course, is to strongly encourage those things, so that when he does get overnights the bond is stronger, baby is better cared for, etc."

Hope this helps...

Go to court!

I know you're trying to keep things civil and to be honest, this is the only way they will be. You need the courts to determine child support and order it. That way YOU are not the one demanding the $. Tell him you want to do what is the most fair and best for both of you and that is why you need to go to court. If he has great health insurance, that might be part of the child support order (although it could reduce your monthly payments).

If you are exclusively breastfeeding, the court WILL take that into consideration for overnight placement for the first 12 months (I believe). So they won't order custody rights for the first year anyway that would hamper your child's right to breastfeed. After 12 months (or whatever the timeline is in your state), things will be adjusted.

And by the way, I couldn't pump, so I sympathize with you. You're not using breastfeeding as a crutch. Anyone who tells you that clearly did not breastfeed their child.

As you are the primary caregiver, your income will not be taken into consideration when determining his support payments. In WI, they award 17% of the non-primary caregiver's net income. Let it go through the courts. This is the only way you can avoid unnecessary problems and the father trying to cheat you. Do it soon and quickly before father has time to change his income status.

One other note - and not that you would do this, but I need to emphasize this point. I'm coming from the other side of the fence (DH pays child support). Please don't be the kind of person who goes after the father's income every 3-5 years or whenever a review comes up. You can choose to stay with the level of support ordered in the beginning and not do the reviews and I suggest you do. If the father is forthright in the beginning and willing to hand over 17% of his income, then plan on that amount being the support you will use for your child until he is 18. It is morally reprehensible to hang onto the coat-tails of your ex-boyfriends future career advancements. I would plan on keeping a civil relationship instead and if/when major expenses come up in the future, you can work things out without problem then.

Good luck, Mama. And good luck with your future career!

I just wanted to add that here in MN (I know your in a different state) 50/50 custody doesnt mean no support. My hubby has more like 60/40 custody of his daughter with him being the primary. He still pay support and insurance. Most states have a formula on how support is figured and custody is just a part of it.
I understand not wanted to let the baby go for overnight but I do think you should let him go for a half day here and there. You could switch off him coming to you or you bringing the baby to him since you live so far apart. Bring your homework and stay in the area. See if he would let you do it in his home and he could bring the baby of to a relative so they could also spend time with him and he would have some extra help.
A long afternoon along with a baby thats breastfed could make him realize that it a lot of work.
I would also keep him informed of everything, as him in writting (like an e-mail) for help with whatever the baby needs. So if he refuses to help you have proof. I would also offer him an afternoon here nad there for him to see the baby. Make it during a time he would normally be able to come. I know its hard but he does have a right to bond with the child. It will look so much better to the judge that you at least are trying to include him and gave him time alone with the child.
Good luck I know its so hard

I diagree with Sue. Not all women can pump that much milk for extra supplies during an overnight or couple day visitations. Every womens body is different- Any doc will tell you that. I sugguest getting a lawyter who specializes in custody & visitation issues. Good luck

2 hours away??..and your nursing??...yea good luck with that-baby is not going anywheres...you are right in your thoughts of courts being involved-he really has no clue on how to care for an infant..and to even suggest taking the baby like that-raises red flags-if you guys get along so well-why didnt he ask you to come to his place-be a family??...your gut feeling is correct-listen to it..and good for you for continuing your education to have a better life for both of you...and hes not sending you money each month?? really?? and you think you still mite have a future with him??...you are so much better than that-move forwards...good luck

I agree with Sue that you're robbing dad of the time he could spend bonding with his son. Why is pumping impossible? If you're eating right and you pump enough to supply dad on his days and keep pumping while baby's away, you will not have a supply issue.

Also, think about what a couple nights a week without the distraction of caring for your son will allow you to accomplish with school, whether its getting a couple extra hours' sleep or studying and doing homework. Its a win-win for all of you.

The thinking here is always towards getting a lawyer which, in my opinion is costly, time consuming, and often makes situations more hostile than they need to or might have been. Why do you need to go into fighting mode with all that "protect your rights now" thinking. Do your research online and work it out together as much as you can by staying considerate, reasonable, and open. Get the lawyer as a last-ditch effort.

Formula isn't so bad and you could pump, your body will adjust to the need of milk, so the real reason is you don't want to have overnights because you don't want to let go, and honestly, most moms would feel the same way. He is the father and he wants shared custody or visitation. Get a lawyer to help you find the best way to go with this because if it does go to court you know he will get at the least visitations and the sooner the better because this is the age that bonding is so important. It will be better for your son to adjust to the two homes now rather then when he is over a year old or when you stop breast feeding. Remember your son's father can fight for full custody and using the fact that he has a good job and a stable home, while you are in school and living at your parents with no job, he could very well win it. Working together for the sake of your child is a win win situation for everyone.

In my opinion it is more important to have 2 parents (even if not together) in a childs life equally than money. I agree you should finish your degree but if your ex could teach your son to take a bottle in your absence it may be a win win situation for you. I nursed my daughter and she refused a bottle... and I didn't have the option to leave for more than 2 hours. It was wonderful and tough at the same time. If the dad wants to be involved 50/50 look closely at how that will truly benefit your little guy and, in-turn, you when you go to work. Its tough to be away from a baby that little but you may have to look to the long term. Money isn't everything.

50/50 gets him out of child suport dont trust him. and when the game is over he will probably not spend much time with him. second ujnless your supplementing I dont think courts will give him over nights. you may have to supplement in order to do that. make the courts order child support. if you dont and he doesnt pay you have no leg to stand on without a court order. child support enforcement will not enforce without a court order.

he should have consistancy in both homes but he sounds like my ex in it for his best interest not the kids. if you give joint he has say in everything. I went for sole because if it was due to a medical conditiion he would die while we fought it out. dad had no interest in the best interest of the child and still doesnt. he never talks to his son visits his son he uses him as a feel sorry for me weapon. poor me I dont ever get to see my son blah blah blah and I have never denied visitation. he choses not to see him. he also said he would hold insurance on them to make his child support lower and never carried insurance. neat trick huh. so I raised a kid with no child support and no insurance on him for years and my credit is toast because of it. dad never paid his half of the medical bills like it was court ordered. and he knew with him not paying child support I couldnt afford an attorney. so what do you do you just deal with it. if medical decisions is going to be a hassle if something severe comes up and your kid would die while your arguing it out get sole custody.

I never called my sons dad for every little doctor visit because I didnt see the need and couldnt stand him and it was nothing real severe. it was abcesses and stiches and minor things. if it had been a bad car wreck I would have sent the cops to his house since I didnt have his phone number. If it had been a major issue I would have gotten ahold of his dad. Even if i had primary call because if he died he would have needed his dad there. or even if he hadnt sometimes they just need thier dads wether we can stand them or not. but I seriously doubt dad would have shown up. if it is that major he will call. if I would have called a man who beat me he will call you. but for an ear infection or such I seen no need to call. especially since he was an abusive man. and it was not life or death. jmo right or wrong that is how I handled it.

There are no easy answers or resolutions for these types of situations, only a life lesson learned.
My first marriage was pretty bad, but I would not, could not allow my children to be ripped from me for a certain period of time on a monthly basis so I stuck it out until they were almost 18. (I know everyone cant do that due to various circumstances of the relationship)
I feel so bad for you. A 3 month old that you are nursing should not have to go back and forth. I doubt the courts will see it that way tho, and obviously Dad could care less too.
I agree that you can pump for those overnights that baby is away and your milk supply will be fine.
Just pray that your next baby if there is one will be brought in to a very stable parenting situation so you dont have to endure this trauma again.

I can't imagine having to separate from my boy who is almost three months and breastfed. I would not agree to overnight visits either. A baby needs their Mom. I disagree with the idea that formula is fine. Breast is best, and if the father cares about the baby, he would want him breastfed. Pumping for an overnight would be hard, and it would not be comforting for the child to be without his mother (the primary caregiver). If this guy is worth anything he will realize that, and cooperate with you. I have no idea how the courts would view this. Please post a follow up on how this works out. Good luck to you.

I understand your feelings on wanting your son to have consistency and to be with you. That said, I think you may have to allow an overnight visit if you want to seem reasonable. Many children that are breastfed are also supplemented w/ expressed breast milk or formula. What do you do when you are in school? Otherwise, at what age do you plan to stop breastfeeding? Are you trying to prevent overnights until that point? Depending your answers to those questions, you may have a hard time selling that logic in court.

50/50 custody would most likely mean no child support for either of you.

1) Go through the courts. If you don't have $$ for an attorney try the local Legal Aide office in the nearest major town/city to you. It offers free legal advice... but mostly from Law students so you'll want to make sure that you also have a mediator form the court system that has lots of experience.

2) RE: the poster who told you NOT to go to court as the years pass to re-adjust the child support payments - do NOT listen to her! Who does she think she is telling you not to get something for your child?? Raising a 3 month old and raising a 10 YO are VERY different expense wise and need to be addressed as such. She chose to, marry a man with a child from a previous relationship - that was her choice and obviously it's not sitting too well with her right now. That's her baggage - don't make it yours!!