So I have an amazing little boy who is almost 6 months old. I went through the entire pregnancy without his father because he wanted nothing to do with it. Since he wasn't at the hospital when my son was born, he had to do a paternity test before I could go forward with child support. That was the first time he saw our son. That was right around Christmas, and it was like he had an instant connection with both of us. He was calling me everyday to see how our son was doing and making an effort to see him at least 3 times a week. I work part-time and go to school full-time, and I found myself changing my schedule to fit his so he could see my son as much as possible. There were also conversations over the past months about us getting back together and how he wanted to make things right and make us a real family unit. We were taking things slow romantically, which we both agreed was the best for everyone. Well a little over a week ago I found out (on facebook) that he has a girlfriend. I haven't spoken to him since. Its not that I'm hurt because he has this new girlfriend, I'm more hurt that he has not contacted me at all to see how our son is doing. It almost feels like my son and I lost our "newness" so he moved on. I was completely fine doing it on my own before he came back into our lives, but now that he came in and left - again - I'm a little lost. What makes someone who was head over heels for his son (or at least that's how he acted and talked) just stop cold turkey? I just don't understand. I told him from that start that he was going to be in our son's life full-time or not at all. I had a father that just showed up whenever he felt like it and I was heartbroken everytime. I swore that was not going to happen to my son. WHat have you Mamas done in this situation? Any tips on how to deal with my son's father? Any advice would be appreciated.
I would stop changing your schedule to make it easier for him. I'd also not OFFER visitation but make him fight for it in court. You don't need his selfish distractions right now and neither does your son. Your son needs a Mother who is concentrating on getting her life (and baby's) moving forward and working to improve the situation of finances and other important parts of daily living.
My husbands guess is that he was trying to get out of child support and I agree with him. Hopefully you continued with the child support papers! I agree 100% either all or none, but let him make that decision. I would also confront him about the new girlfriend and make it known that he left you high and dry not once, but twice. I'm sorry he is being such a jerk to you, no one deserves this. Honestly I would leave him out until he makes the effort to to show he cares for your son again. I would also get a court order giving you sole custody of your son to protect yourself and your son. We wish you the best at this difficult time, but you sound like a very strong and intelligent person.
I am sure because you have gone through this yourself you are crushed by this even more. You know how this feels. My ex also did this to my son in the beginning and I put my foot down. I was not about to have him toy with my son's emotions. He obviously is selfish, and immature. Tell him like I told my ex, our son is not a toy you can place on a shelf and play with when you feel like it, he is a human being with feelings. Move on honey, he isn't going to change. There are so many men who would love to be in his shoes. I found myself one 22 years ago and so can you. Just tell yourself you and your child are worth soooo much more. When you allow yourself to feel that way good things will come to you. I know your hurt, his loss, not yours. You are a strong woman with a bright future. Good luck to you!!
Maybe his NEW girl is pregnant. Move on but make sure he pays child support.
Blessings......
Hi J.,
I think you need to speak to him in person and outline everything you want/need from him. Reading something on facebook is like hearing a rumor you cannot be 100% until you get the information directly from him. Be very specific and let him know now what is expected of him as a father. He is either in or out but by just not talking to him will only open you up to more questions. Get closure then do what you were doing before only this time put it in writing so there aren't any questions.
Best Wishes!
If he does really have a girlfriend, and has been dishonest with you I'd be done as far as you and him go.
When it comes to your son, you're right. He should not be allowed to come and go in his life as he pleases. But as long as he pays child support, he will have rights. Set up a schedule, with the courts and tell him this is what he sticks to, or he can get lost! I despise men like this. It's your CHILD not a puppy! What a jerk!
Easier said than done, don't even give him a second thought. I've been through this... TWICE. Long story short, dote on your baby and don't even worry about how that schmuck is living his life! HE'S the one missing out on your incredible baby boy. Make sure you file for child support. Remain cordial, but file. Always keep the door open for visitation, but remember, YOU are the parent. You are mom AND dad. I applaud your strength for going at it alone... again, I've been there twice. It's tough, but the pay off is huge :) I feel kind of sorry for guys that do this, but honestly, they dig their own graves. They miss out on the greatest gift ever... but it's not our faults! Don't miss out on a second of your little man... they get so big, so fast. Just concentrate on you and the baby... and remember, YOU create your own happiness. Being a mom is such a huge job, you don't have the extra time or energy to try to figure out why this guy's such a jerk ;)
Have you talked with him at all? What did you see on FB - something he posted or that some girl posted? If he changed his actual status to "in a relationship with x", yeah, then dump him as far as the romantic relationship goes. His parental involvement still needs to be worked out. It's not really your call to say "all or nothing", the courts make that decision. Unless he decides to stay out of his son's life, he still has the option to be involved.
I think you got caught up in the romantic notion that your baby's daddy took one look at your child and became smitten...only to leave again, which was a disappointment.
Carry on with your life and your schedule and if HE wants to figure out a way to accommodate his child into his life then work with him. But don't bend over backward, begging him to be the father he should be.
It sucks that he is being such a child. But look at this big picture and do what is best for your son and you.
My ex was told my dd needed a schedule and routine. I didn't care if it was once a week/fortnightly/monthly and he got one chance. This was based on the treatment of his older children whom he never saw unless I picked them up and brought them to our house (he couldn't care less). Well he stuck to the plan for 4 weeks then 6 months went past with no contact. He eventually called on Christmas eve one year asking if he could see her. I told him no, not after 6 months of nothing and by this time she was not even asking about him. He hung up on me and we have not seen him since. That was 6 years ago - no court orders, no calls - nothing. I made a promise to myself and her that no-one would EVER make her feel that she wasn't wanted, as I have seen first hand what this can do to a child his older boys, who are now teenagers and have a lot of issues. Its not pretty. :-(
he is fishing you are his back up when he can't find anyone else. He is playing a game be careful
He sounds rather immature. I would move on. If he does contact you again, be clear that he is going to be a father to his son or he's not welcome. He is not going to be allowed to come when he's bored and leave when he has a new flame. Also be clear that he will be paying child support regardless. Do not let this man come and go and do not let him off the hook for support. I would not trust him if he came creeping around again talking all lovey dovey. He does not sound like a stand up guy.
My guess is that he thought he could get more with you romantically and get out of child support payments. When he realized that you weren't going to go for it so quickly, he gave up and moved on. What a jerk. I would get your money from this guy and move on-- you and your baby deserve soooo much better! Hang in there!
M
