Am I Mad for No Reason

Time to get an attorney. If you are in Sacramento area, I have an excellent attorney for you... just let me know. He should be paying child support and perhaps other expenses like daycare.

It would be illegal. You can not with hold your son from another parent. Your feelings are very legit, but you just can't do that. And, no, it's not wrong to feel the way you feel. Sorry, on this one, you are just going to have to bite your tongue a whole lot.

It's not wrong to feel bitter, but you might ask yourself what good it's doing for you. He's obviously moved on, and hard as it is, it's so much healthier for you and your son to do the same. He's in your life for the next 17 years, like it or not, so love your son enough to make peace with his dad. He'll see him for what he is when he's older. Right now, he needs a daddy. You can choose to let all the hurt go away by not trying to make him look bad in your son's eyes. If your ex has a job, Family Services should be able to attach his wages for payment of his child support. Keep a record of what he owes you, and talk to them. When I lived in Ca. and did this, they gave my ex 48 hrs. to respond to the notice and work something out. When he didn't,(he was on vacation with his new girlfriend in Mexico), they took HALF of his earnings before deductions until it was all paid! He had cigarette money and nothing more for about 3 months!

Since he left you before your baby was born.... is he on the birth certificate too? Does baby have his last name?

You need to get a Lawyer.
Get sole custody.
Get child support.
Otherwise, you will have no control over it or what he can/cannot do with baby..... and whether or not he can take baby across state lines etc.

Next, you didn't say what kind of man he is... nor his girlfriend. Is he responsible? Or is your baby in an unsafe environment with the Dad?

Yes, you have a right to be angry.
But be smart.... do whatever you need to, to handle this and protect you/your baby.
DOCUMENT Everything and itemize all costs.... for your future protection and legality and to back yourself up.

all the best,
Susan

Your feelings are completely justified, but you must be careful how you react to them. You must get a lawyer and get a formal visitation and child support arrangement. If he skips child support payments, the courts will take care of things.

Also, if you have any evidence that this woman is abusing or neglecting you child while in your husband's care, then you may be able to get a dispensation from the court that only blood relatives be around while he is visiting. (For instance, he can take his child to his parents' house, but not his girlfriend's.) Again, these are things to talk to a lawyer about. You certainly don't want to set yourself up for negative repercussion in the long run.

that is not a good idea. Kids feel the stress of the parents no matter what the age. My mom was always good about letting us see our dad, which we needed, wether child support was paid or not. Both my brother and I have come to realize what a looser he really is after many years of abandonment by him as well. ( that and he never paid his child support) But so far as I know it is not legal to not let someone see their child over money issues.

Its okay to be mad, you have that right and your emotions won't allow you to feel any other way right now.
I can't stress enough tho that's it wrong to withold your child from his dad.
You need to go through the legal system and make it work in your favor.
You need to concentrate on you and your son, almost as if your son's father was dead. You must always have a plan B if your sons father doesnt pick up your son when scheduled. You must always have a plan B if your son's father doesnt provide financing for your son. You cannot let this man continue to rule your life. You have to take charge of your happiness on your own. Forget about his new girlfriend, this is about him not her. He's obviously too immature to be a father, I assume your pregnancy was not planned. As with most Mothers, once you give birth to that baby you are pretty much the sole caregiver, it is your new job. You must set an example to your son so that when he does get old enough to understand the circumstances you will be someone that he can brag about. It's always heartwarming to hear a son say "My mother was the best mother in the world, she took care of me on her own and worked hard to do it." Give your son that pride in you. Sometimes it's easy for a man to walk out of their kids lives, Mothers don't understand how they do that because we love our children so much.... it's exclusively a mom thing, however there are some exceptions, there are som great dads out there too that end up raising and nurturing the children with the same skills as a mother.
So what you need to do is, get welfare involved, get the district attorney child enforcement dept to enforce child support. You had that baby, the baby didnt have a choice, do not make him suffer for being born. You want him to feel self worth, he wont feel that if you and dad continue to fight about taking him care of him, he will feel like he's a burden and have low self esteem. I also can't stress enough how much kids love to learn at that age. Focus on him, he's your main task at hand. Work, go to school to better yourself if you need to. Have babysitters readily available when you need them in a pinch and learn not to depend on your sons father for anything. That is the best advice I can give you. Move on, your sons father has. You can't make him be what you want him to be, it's not going to happen. So now, go to plan B.

sounds somewhat like a situation i was in, my husband divorced me hen ended up talking t & getting our pastor dtr prego, the first thing i did went & completed the child support papers. see alot of us take our time taking care of business but when somethings this serious i went & p/u the paper work & completed them the same day. the outcome was the judge ordered him 2 days a week to spend with the kids and he also worked f/t so he had to pay me or i had the choice to have him pay my directlt, at first i gave him a chance to pay me directly but then a few months later before his wedding he started paying late and had the nerves to tell me he needed to save for her wedding ring so he following day after he told me that i went back to the courthouse to schedule another hearing and told them to garnish his paychecks. Its been almost 10 years since the incident which turned out he didnt get married after all and im still garnishing his paychecks each payday. lol yes i must say i have the last laugh. but i must say never take a childs quality time away frmo being with their father, they'll look back on those memorable times when they get older, i believe all kids need both parent even if the parent arent getting along or separated, each parent should put the child first by allowing them quality time with both parents no matter what the circumstances are. My kids hated going over their dads, they said it was boring, but i told them as long as they werent being abused physibcally or mentally that they had no other choice and now that theyre 14 and 20 they visit him more by their choice & theyre older, even though theyre only obligated to visit on tues & thurs.

From your earlier post today, you have an 8 year old that saw his father taken by the PD and seems to be having difficulties with the trauma from that. Then the father of your 16 month old cheats on you the whole pregnancy. Time to slow down in the dating department and look at why you choose to be with these type of men. If you haven't done so already, start filing for custody/support of your 16 month old (or both). Even if the courts get involved, father can still visit etc. Your relationship with your baby's father is different from the relationship he has with his child. It doesn't matter if you're angry or don't want your child around the new woman. Is he a good father to your child when he's around? You can be a great father, but a LOUSY provider ($$). Look past your anger and see what is in the best interest of both children.

Yes, because that hurts your son.

I think you have every right to be mad/angry/upset about the whole situation , what he did was awful , but I think you need to put your feelings aside and deal with this situation in a grown up way , first you need some legal advice , and then you need to work out legally visitation and financial support for your son , if you just lash out and refuse him contact until he pays , he could be the one to seek legal advice and then it backfires , I am sure that you can also say who is around your son when he sees his dad , and if you don't want the other woman with him then that can also be written into the visitaion.

Good luck

BRING HIM TO COURT!!!!! Paying child support has nothing to do with visitation. So do not mix them up. Your son needs to get to know and spend time with his dad. He needs to pay child support to you!! I do not get men who think they can make a baby ... leave.....never help pay!!! Do not wait and get an emergency hearing!!! I hope things work out for you with this. Do not let anything slide. Get daycare money, clothes money, college money till he is 24 years old. He owes you since the day he was born!

Get Rid of him ASAP! Who needs it whether he pays is debt or not. Besides he's never going to pay unless the state forces him to to pay. He's just another dead beat dad. These kind of dads shouldn't even be called dads or fathers. It takes a lot more than just being a biological father, most everyone can do that. He'll never be a father or a mate to you, nor anyone, more that likely. (I'd like to think better of him, but he'd have to prove it.) Let him go! Don't let your child grow up around someone like this. ~~ Are you mad enough to do something about it, something that will benefit you and your child. Use your anger to make a new life for yourself without him. This way you're changing your anger into determination for only positive things. Don't let yourself be used you're worth too much to yourself and to your son. He deserves a present mother. The Best To You

Morally wrong? Not imho... but VERY wrong legally. (In fact, you can lose part or all of your custody by denying visitation... since visitation is NOT tied to child support).

You can and SHOULD, however, get in contact with your attorney & the courts about the back debt and lack of payment. Because there are many methods available to *require* him to pay it (garnishing wages amongst them). Your child is OWED that money. Also, you may look into getting your parenting plan changed so that

- Right of First Refusal is instituted (meaning that if father can't watch the child -work, date, whatever-, he's required to call you and give you the option of watching your child rather than just passing off to a girlfriend, family member, or babysitter)

- Time limit is imposed on new sig-others. A typical one is 6months. Which doesn't help with his current interest, but could be very helpful in the future to keep a string of random girlfriends out of your child's life.

Just don't make the common mistake of linking child support and visitation. It will come back to bite you. Big time.

Well I might not understand completely since I am coming from a different situaition. BUT I think if ever possible try to keep the dad involved in the baby life.
Look I am married and I love my husband he is a great dad. But he works very long hours and we dont see much of him....especially in the winter months.
Keep in mind that most men in general are more selfish. Last Sunday my husband took two of our kids to a birthday party and had two of our kids at the local pool earlier that day. So its was pretty much the whole day with them..one whole day. That night my one son had a sleep over and he said hurry down stairs I need a break. Gimme a break is what I wanted to say. That was the first day in over a month that I had a break and he can't handle it. Just wanted to give you a slightly different perspective.

no you are not mad for no reason, you are mad for a very good reason. forget the debt take him to court. know in all honesty you are mad at the other woman for a good reason but if she treats your baby well and she loves him then it's not fair to not let him see his chid because of her. YOU are angry at her not your baby! if he;s not helping you at all with his care then like i said take him to court and go on about your life, don't get the support and start teasing him about it, because that's opening a new can of worms and to be honest that's how people get hurt! i hope that you can make some progress with your situation. good luck and you are in my prayers

i dont know what to tell you,just get him to court so he can pay child support!!!! he's not a man enough to come and see your son!!! you deserve better than him!!! just also try and relax, you should go out and find a man that will be there for you and your kid!!!!

I agree with Anna B. Lee...... Man, what a terrible situation. I'm sure you deserve better, and your little guy definitely does. Do what Anna suggested. Good luck.

Dear S.,

I'm sorry you are feeling so judged by some of the people on this site. You are clearly struggling with some rotten stuff in your life and are reaching out for help. This is a sign that you are trying to be a good mom and take proper care of your boys. I left my two cents regarding your post about your older son, and my advice for this is similar. Please ask your son's counselor if he/she is able to see you too, or could recommend a good person for you to see. You have a lot to sort out and having an objective person to bounce things off of is great.

As for mister two times a week with my son and no $ to help, he needs a wake up call. Do you have a court order for child support? If not, get one. Legal aid can help you it shouldn't cost anything. Having a child involves cost. Finanically, emotionally, and time. Kids are not convenient. They can not be scheduled on days that suit you. Although you can't force him to make the emotional comittment necessary for your son's well being, you can force him to make the financial one. Check with an attorney about what your rights are regarding witholding visitation if child support isn't paid. I don't know what the law is about that, but you don't want to do anything that would give this guy a leg up in court. The best thing you can do is work with the system to get what you need for your son.

Again, get some help and be brave! You are doing a good thing for your boys. :)

I think he should absolutely contribute financially for his son and I think it is appropriate to hold off on his visitations until he provides the support that is overdue. I also think that you should figure out his share of your son's monthly costs and get it in writing with the courts so that he is legally bound to help on an ongoing basis. Good luck!

You have all the right in the world to be angry with your ex but he is the father of your child and it's for your child's well being that he have both parents in his life. Vent all you want to friends or whoever when your child is not around! If you keep your son from him, your son is the one that will suffer from it. Do not create negativity about his father to him because it is very unhealthy for him to hear bad things and it will cause him emotional distress later and make him feel that he's in the middle of u two or that he has to behave in a certain way for you. I would definitely take him to court and get a child support order! It's not fair that you have to support him all by yourself and the court can garnish his paychecks. As far as the gf, it sucks but you'll have to find a way to get over that situation because legally you can't make your ex not take your son around his gfs. I wouldn't like it either but he best thing to do is be happy. Don't give them the pleasure of them making you unhappy! Get in a good place and truly the best revenge is your happiness. Seeing a counselor can really help you through these issues and help you to avoid bad guys in the future and find your mr. right someday. Good luck

S., this is awful. You need to go to court get child support and custodial, and visitation set up ASAP. You can file for sole guardianship and he still has to pay. I'm sorry to say this but he is a low life, who does this???

You need to consult an attorney. He can file for visitation and maybe even get joint custody. He is required to pay child support in most states but California has different laws about a lot of things.

If there is a court order for visitation then you have to go by it or he can have you arrested. If there is a court order for child support and he isn't paying it then you need to notify the court.

If there is NO COURT ORDER then he isn't legally required to give you anything and visitation is not an order but your choice.

I know that being cheated on and lied to is hurtful and mean but you have to get past this, your son needs his father and if his father is with someone else then you have to accept that.

Have you gone to court about child support and visitation? That would be the way I would go, resolve it in court. I don't think that you are mad for no reason. I would ask the day care to sue him and have his debt taken from his wages. You really cannot cut this man out of his children's lives legally, even if it would make you feel better, but for goodness sakes, get the support for you kids that they need through the courts! He is their Dad, and he should be supporting them.

M.