Single Mom About to Lose It, Help!

Hi L., I am also a single Momand my daughter goes through that same phase. Know that it's a phase. Get down to his level, make him look you in the eyes and tell him that you will not tolerate that. Tell him that Mommy doesn't like it when he does that. Stand firm with what you say and do it everytime he starts getting upset. Things will get better. My daughter is now 3 and she knows when Mommy is not liking what she is doing... She will stop.

Get Dr. Dobson's Dare to Discipline and his other book on a Strong Willed Child. My middle son was extremely defiant at that age and those books were very helpful. It is important to establish authority now. My middle son was great as a teenager, but when he was little I would wonder what in the world it would be like when he got bigger. Most children try to find out what the "line" is and you have to let him know and know who has the authority. He sounds like he needs you to set limits in age appropriate ways. These books I hope will help you so that he will be able to grow into a fine man.
H.

Hi L.,
I was single parent with my first child and now have a second child with Daddy there to help. These are just stages they go through and it is up to you to teach them that it is not acceptable. You are feeling overwhelmed like the rest of us mommy's married or not. My husband does not discipline, so I feel alone too. You just have to discipline him for his actions and be consistant. When my daughter did that, I made her pick it right back up, even if I had to hold her to hands and help her along the way. At that age, they are able to clear their food remains in the trash and toss the (plastic) bowl in the sink. I learned that she was able to do this at 15 months when she was in daycare. I stayed and watched the kids and everyone of them little boogers cleared their plates and returned their sippy cups to the counter one by one. They are very smart and perform selectively very early.

Be consistant, this is only one of the many phases.

C.

I know how frustrating that can be... I have a 6 year old, and a 28 month old. They both go through this in various manifestations. Still.

A child this age, does NOT have FULL impulse control. Full impulse control is not developed until about 3+ years old. So... keep that in mind, and it may help you understand. Them doing this, is developmental based.. not personal against you.

Many times, a toddler is a "reactor" and activities are in relation to cause and effect.. that is how they learn. Also, their emotions ARE NOT fully developed yet, nor can they fully understand the full range of emotions or facial expressions yet. So, "expecting" a 2 year old to facilitate their reactions like an older child who is 3+ years old, will not work. It is just not in line with their development, at this point, nor their emotional or cognitive "maturity."

ALL toddlers tantrum when they don't get their way... and actually, the "tantrum" phase... goes on until about 5 years old, in various ways. So be prepared for that.

I know the "whining" voice is annoying... but it will take time for him to be able to FULLY control his voice inflections and type of sounds that come out of their mouth. Again, they don't have full impulse control yet. Many times, they have something in their heads/mind that they want to do...but physically or behaviorally, they are NOT able to fully do it, yet. So, they get frustrated.

I would teach him boundaries... but at the same time, don't expect him to fully do it yet. It takes an ENTIRE childhood for a child to "learn" what we want to teach them. Even teenagers go through this, still. Their mental maturity and emotional maturity is still budding, and not fully developed yet.

Still, children learn by REPETITION, for better or for worse. So, just keep repeating, and teaching him what is expected or not. You will feel like a broken record, but that is how it is with kids, and especially toddlers. You will get exasperated...but well, that is how it is.

My son is 28 months old, he is typical 2 years old... and when he "yells" I tell him "no yelling..." then I look him straight in the eye, use my voice in a stern way, and then he stops and speaks in a lower voice. But it is not a permanent fix... a child is a child, and they will yell again. But, my son is learning and he knows not to yell, if we ask him.

My son also goes through bouts of throwing things... but well, this is a toddler. They are not "disobeying" per say, but playing and experimenting and exploring. It may be irritating to us.. but this is what they do. If he is throwing things AT you... then stop him, use your voice, get down to his eye level, tell him "no" and then hold his hands and repeat it. Then put the object aside, and "show" him how to treat the object. But it will take time... lots of time, and I mean over the course of toddler-hood. Not just 1 day.

Have him "help" you clean up when he spills something too. This is what we do with our kids. Always. Make it a positive thing to "help." Then praise them for it, smile, use your voice etc. This encourages them.

Sometimes they just want attention too. So well, they need us, right there, 100% with them. This is something that often deflates my eldest child. My daughter is 6 years old....and she "whines" too... yes, no matter what age a child whines. But, my daughter does it when she wants our attention. So, figure out WHY your son "whines" and when...then trouble shoot that. Be preventative.

All kids have triggers and then reactions for what they want or don't want. Figure that out by observing your son, and then maybe that will help you trouble shoot the issues.

My suggestion would be: to NURTURE your son, even at this young age, to be cooperative... to be a "team" with you and learn how to "help Mommy..." In the long run... this will help you both, especially since you are a single-parent. The earlier you can engender this "trait" in him, the better. It will give him a foundation of "respecting" his Mom, of "helping" her, or being a "team" and family member... and later, it will hopefully help him to become a thoughtful & respectful young boy and man. Think about it this way... when things are frustrating in daily life. It will make a BIG difference in a child... to grow up this way. BUT... it takes consistency AND you talking WITH him about it, always...AND LETTING HIM learn how to talk and express himself too, safely. Nurture talking-story with him & telling him "stories" of how or why we do certain things .. make it a habit.....and then over time, he will get on board and it will be so amazing to "see" your young little man "becoming" an amazing, respectful, mindful of Mommy little boy...

All the best,
Susan

Please remember that your son is ONLY 28 months old.

I recommend the following books to read:

"Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelsen
http://www.positivediscipline.com/index.html
(Nelsen has new and revised editions out, her books covering a wide range of age groups)

"The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart" by Jan Hunt
http://www.naturalchild.org/

(Both these authors are firm believers of mutual respect and positive discipline.)

also, "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.

and I almost forgot to add
"The No-Cry Discipline Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/

Dr Jane Nelsen believes that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, that they feel denied in their need to belong and in their need for love and attention.

I agree with the post of setting boundaries and gentle reinforcement of them, always using kindness and respect and consistency, nurture him and encourage the behavior you want him to learn instead. Logical consequences related to the specific behavior and then move on (remember, we all learn by pushing boundaries).

Children always pick up on our mood and temperament.
As they grow and develop, we parents always need to reexamine and readjust their boundaries and our approach to meet their changing needs.

good luck!

I totally agree that you being stressed causes him to stress and this is his way of dealing. I noticed with my son (I'm also a single mom) that he wanted time and attention from me. He was away from me all day while I worked and didn't understand why I wasn't 100% his from the moment I picked him up. Food should just magically appear and dishes should clean themselves and I should never have to do anything that wasn't about him.

The thing that worked for me seems to be counter-intuitive. As a single mom you never have time enough for everything, but stop and spend the time with him. You will be amazed at how your work load will decrease when you don't have to clean up the extra messes and deal with the tantrums.

He sat on the counter while I made dinner, we ate together and I sat there until he was finished. We talked about his day-what did you eat for lunch, did you like the picture you drew today, who was your favorite friend today, you got to play with beads do you like those, etc. Then he helped me load the dishwasher (yes, really) I rinsed and handed them to him-repeating what they were and where they went to help improve his vocabulary. He helped put clothes in the washer or dryer and we discussed what each one was, who it belonged to and what color it was-by three he could sort his own clothes into lights, darks, and reds. He pushed the vacuum while I steered. He dusted all the low places on the furniture. He helped me pick up the toys because we made it a game of throwing them into the bin from across the room.

After the first couple of days of doing this he would then play while I got to pay bills or fold clothes or did something in the room with him. We always read together before bed.

There were nights when he didn't want to do anything but sit on my lap so we'd watch a movie.

It amazed me how little I had left to do once I put him in bed and the tantrums for my attention practically stopped.
He's almost 9 and we are great friends. He cooks with me, takes care of his own stuff, and tells me all his secrets (even the ones he's sworn not to).

Being 2 is all about what's MINE and right now you are his most important possession.
Good Luck.

Okay, some good advice and one that kind of made me go...WHAT!?!

I am a single Mom. I work full-time. My son is 29 months, and trust me it's the age, the stage and the stress. While, I live with my parents, it's still not a foreign thing what you are experiencing.

My son went through this phase where everytime, I was busy he was start hitting me. Then, it moved to throwing stuff when he was frustrated. I would stress out and he would do it more. It was this huge spiral of events that I was making worse by freaking out. Once, I started being calm with him and finding other outlets for MY OWN stress from work, personal life and other junk, I started finding creative ways to deal with my son's responses.

Toddlers NEED to be talked to. They NEED clear cut guidelines to follow and reassurance that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens. WE as Moms forget sometimes that our stress can be sensed by our kiddos and they can then in turn, mimic our behavior in ways that makes US more STRESSED out.

Take a deep breath. It will get better. You just have to find a good way to make sure your son knows he is doing something that is NOT okay without punishing him TOO severly.

This is what I did...

As soon as my son threw something/hit someone or something, I would get down on his level and explain that what he had done was not okay, because he could have hurt someone or himself (always give a reason - it's not okay on its own doesn't make sense to toddlers or any kid for that matter). If he threw something, I would ask him to go pick it up and bring it to me. If he repeated the behavior, like throwing a toy then the toy would be 'put away' for five minutes. I hold his hand and we walk to the closet where the toys go, and he puts it in there and then we set an egg timer and when the bell rings he can go get it.

I think we had a plate throwing incident a few times, and I would get paper towels and have him come help me clean it up and throw his trash away in the trash can. Now, if he spills he will say 'Mommy mess, towel please'. It just takes time to get a structured approach to actions that have been happening, so that they stop without a battle. Teaching and guiding away from what he is doing wrong, so he KNOWS what is right.

The thing about toddlers is if we react a certain way to something, they begin to expect it. This is why they thrive on routine, and do so badly with change. It's become a routine for you guys and he can expect it.

You make think he KNOWS he's doing something wrong, but how does he KNOW? Our kids don't come with an index of right and wrong, they just don't have that ability to take those and process them the way adults are supposed to. Give him the guidance and he will in time make those choices on his OWN.

My son still has his days, and then we go through the motions with the same teaching steps and keep it consistent.

Be patient and loving, and guide him by teaching him and showing and telling him what he is doing is not okay. Trust me it takes time, but you can do it.

Good Luck and lots of love.
D.

My best and most prized advice is just laugh!! Don't take it too seriously your son is only two and at that age they don't know how to communicate well or really understand or explain their feelings. He depends on you for everything almost still and what he does have control of is testing his limits and witnessing cause/effect relationships. Give it time he will grow out of this and be testing you in some new way! Trust me, I have a four year old daughter(who talked very early) and a 20 month old with an amazing quick temper. I make sure to be very consistent with them, and my four year old is a pretty good girl, but she would do the same thing at that age and my other daughter is constantly throwing things on the floor, I just remind her "no, no, no!" When I do feel at my wits ends, I think about all the parents who who have lost their precious little ones and wished they still had their babies around to drive them crazy! Good luck, God bless, and just smile, your little one doesn't mean to drive you nuts! Oh and time outs work great, when they are older a cold shower for my oldest helped immensely with her behavior, it only took one!

I know this doesn't really help, but do know that his behavior is totally age appropriate. He isn't showing signs of antisocial future behavior, trust me. He is just acting his age. It stinks, especially if you don't have any back-up to give you a break when you are feeling frustrated.
Try to keep calm and patient (I know, I know..easier said than done after the eleventy-seventh time of cleaning up the same mess)and give yourself a time out if you need one.
If you don't have support already, I would make sure you have a few people that you can call upon when you start to feel like you are at wit's end.
As a good friend once told me, "As a mother, you set the tone for the family. Your responses and reactions will resonate." (Yeah, she is a pretty clever friend and a tough act to follow.)

Hang in there! This, too, shall pass.

Dear L.,
While I think your son is in a terrible two stage still, I also think he is seeking attention. The only problem is that he is seeking negative attention. Help train him to seek the positive attention by making a BIG DEAL about the great stuff he does. This strategy will take time and not reap rewards quickly, but it will in the long run. Much patience is needed at this time. Best of luck with this as parenting hard and must be doubly as hard when you are doing it all by yourself.
Love,
J.

He needs a spanking. Further, he should be cleaning up the mess not you. If you have him help you he will see the consequence to his actions.

hes at the age of testing you to see what will happen. my 21 month old daughter does this. this is what i do when she dumps her food on the floor (because i hate wasting food). i will pick it up and tell her to eat and not throw her food on the floor. if she does it again i will tell her not to eat and not throw it on the floor or it will go in the trash. so if she does it again i take her plate and i throw her food away and i send her to her bed to sit for a while. then she doesnt eat again (aside from a small snack) till her next meal. show your son that he has consequences for his actions give him warnings and then follow through with punishment that you feel is appropriate. good luck i hope this helps!

I've been a single Mommy since day one and my heart goes out to you! It is just a phase and it will pass. Make him more responsible and have him help you clean it up. I know it's hard and when you don't have someone to pass him off to so you can de-stress, it makes it worst! This is your son's way of testing his boundries to see what he can get away with. The "punishment" that always worked with my son, is a time-out from his fav. toy. He loves his possessions and when they are taken away he thinks twice before acting up. Good luck sweetie!!

Hi L.
Kudo's to you~~~~~doing it all alone has got to be hard. You did not mention whether or not your son goes to a day care and if his behavior has been bad there as well, so I will guess yes to both of those and say that from what I read, he is looking for a response from you. I would bet that your day consists of little time for you and that you are VERY tired, but take a breath, count to ten, and without words put him in timeout. Wait, the first time tell him why he is in timeout and leave it at that. Always bring him back to the same spot and when time out is done, make sure that he tell's you sorry and then gives a hug. Try your hardest not to give him the response that he is looking for. Maybe if you ignore his behavior and brush it of as not worth your attention, he'll think that it's not worth it anymore~~~maybe not, but little ones are smart. We have to try and be one step ahead. Good luck to you~~~~it does get better!!!!

He's really "testing" you right now. He wants to see what your reaction will be. If one of my kids was acting this way- I would tell him "NO!" in a firm voice. If he continues- then he will be removed from the situation. I would put him in a corner (or chair) for no more than 3 minutes. I would tell him I did not want to play with him then because of the way he was behaving. Are you also able to play with him and have fun with him? It sounds like he is really needing your attention. It sounds like you need some time to yourself as well. You need a sitter so you can have some time to yourself- and not feel like you're getting burnt out.

I am so sorry you are having to do this alone. The best advice I can give you is to calm yourself down first. Kids tend to feed off our mood and things are always worse when we are in a bad mood. It is all on how we react to the situation and you have to set rules and stick to them 100% especially at this age. Let him know what will happen when he does certain behavior and make sure you follow through and always keep your cool. Wake up determined to have a great day no matter what. Make the best of the life you have and surrond yourself with family and friends who can help you out when you need time for yourself. Best of luck to you and your son

I understand! I've been there - Single mom to three since twins were 2 weeks old (now 9, 9 and 10 years)
It will get better...then worse, than better...

Take a deep breath. At 28 months he is not doing it deliberately...although it appears so. This is the terrible twos! Or as I call it the first adolescence. He is begining to get the hang of things..and therefore testing boundaries.
I suggest the time out chair, 2 minutes of sitting in a chair make it a special chair away from all other things when he disobeys, or throws things. No talking to him, just "time to take a break buddy." Put him in the chair and tell him (calmly) to sit there and take a time out.

Then ... calmly when the two minutes are done .."you may not throw things at mommy" "if you do you will have to sit and take a time out." or what ever it is.
Consistency is the key with time outs every time the behavior is exhibited, time out, and I've learned with the boys...less talking is much more effective.

For the whining...totally understand. Mine have started it up again at 9 and 10 years. I tell them and have said since they were about your guys age..."I can't hear you when you whine" ... then I ignore them, completely. I act as if I can't hear them.
Stay as calm as you can!They will wear down faster if you have no reaction what so ever to the continued whining.

OH and the dumping things on the floor -- really isn't a personal attack, though it seems like it. It's testing boundaries, and also learning cause and effect. He may just like the way the cereal bounced off the floor. :) Or learning that his bowl picks up and dumps over. However, not acceptable and a time out works fine for that to.

:)
L.

Hi L.,

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't the way you would want them to be. I understand it can be frustrating with a little one. I struggled with similar issues myself. I finally took a course that helped me understand that I needed to find a way to have my son do what I wanted without breaking him. I wanted him to behave because HE wanted to not because I was forcing him to do it. I was raised in the complete opposite environment and was forced to do everything. I was so used to having people tell me what to do, that I didn't really have a mind of my own to guide me. I did some stupid stuff in college and I think it was because of this. If you are interested, send me a message. It's a different viewpoint than what's out there, but it works and makes a lot of sense.
Big hugs,
M.

Hang in there! I have a 24 month old doing the same things. The earlier post is correct-they're just testing you. He also might think it is a game or just testing out cause and effect. When my son does something like this, I usually send him to the stairs (his time out place). You may find that they are not going to want to go to their time out place, but just be calm and authoritative. I've found that my son follows direction more when I use a deeper voice. I guess this voice fills in for when dad is away and he knows to listen to it.

Hi L.,
I read a book called Parenting the Defiant Child by Dr. Kazdin that I highly recommend. It's based on rewarding good behavior and ignoring bad behavior or at least not responding with such intensity. The man who wrote it is the head of the Yale Child Behavior Center. He uses a point chart for good behavior that helps reward behavior you want and gives children privileges, instead of punishments.
Hope it helps.
Val