Sibling Jealousy and Fighting

you've gotten some great advice already. One thing I wanted to add is that you might want to try focusing on the rolemodel aspect of being a big sister. It might help her to think about her actions if you explain to her that her little brother will want to copy the thinge that she does - even the way she treats people. And what if he goes to school and starts to be mean to other kids because that's what she does to him etc, etc.
Her feelings fo jealousy will change with time (and it's great that she is able to recognize and want to change), so focusing on being aware of her actions is key.
Also, when you notice her saying/doing something mean just stop her mid-sentence/action if you can and have her repeat what she just said. Help her to pause and see what she's doing in the moment rather than after the fact. If you do it for her enough, she may eventually be able to see what she's about to do and stop herself.
Good luck

Oh, I have so much experience with this. In my case, it was older brother, younger sister.

Boy, is hindsight ever 20/20. If I could only do it all over again.

The nice thing is that you have a girl who is aware of her feelings, and willing to talk about them, so that's half the battle. I suggest NOT telling her not to be jealous, instead mirror her feelings. The next time it happens, instead of telling her NOT to be mean to her brother, or telling her why she should be nice to her brother, say something to her like, "Yeah, little brothers sure can be a pain in the butt," or something similar that might mirror the type of emotions she is feeling. And the weird thing is, the more radical your statement gets, the more it tends to work. If you said something like, "Boy, I wish I'd never had that little boy sometimes," it would probably make her go over and hug and protect her little brother. Not that I'm suggesting you say something that extreme, but it's just amazing how mirroring works. Parents are afraid to say something like this because they fear it will worsen the behavior, but it has the opposite effect.

Try it. You will likely be amazed at the results. It's a technique I learned from a speaker at a preschool years ago, and she gave us example upon example of how a child's behavior will not change until his/her feelings had been mirrored. She worked with problem teens and gave amazing stories of the success of this technique. If you do this with your daughter, she will probably immediately do something nice toward her brother. Write me and let me know.

I really like Page's answer, and that should be tried. I read it after I posted my response and have clicked "edit" to add this to my original post. Now, on to my original:

I feel your pain. Not that I was a mom with 2 kids that couldnt get along but because I was the older, mean sister. I don't recall being jealous, we were 3 years apart, but I did enjoy picking on her much more than trying to get along with her. My sister was sweet and adored me and I always hurt her. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was 7 and I was 10, even that (much to my mother's horror) was not enough to
stop me from picking on her. After watching her fade for the next 10 years it finally hit me. She died at age 18 in my arms and the guilt that I feel for never getting along with her still haunts me to this day. My suggestion is this: Try to find some role model siblings. If your daughter is exposed to some other kids where the daughter adores and nurtures her younger siblings, it may make her see the light sooner. I see so many young kids today where the oldest is proud to nurture and protect the younger brothers and sisters. I wasnt exposed to that when I was young and I do believe it may have made me see my sister for what she was back then, someone I was supposed to protect and love rather than trying to be the "alpha" sister and be a demanding, dictator type pack leader. You have a lot of good suggestions here, but I really don't think punishing her for the behavior will work, it will only make her more mean. I believe it's an emotional maturity problem that cannot be fixed until your daughter really gets old enough for that particular emotion to kick in. She's still too young to understand how awful it would be if something happened to her brother, she is not grasping it just yet. She is unable to appreciate how sweet her little brother is. This is why I think being around other girls her age that can show her how to treat her younger sibling right would be good. Kids, even at the tender age of 7, are very open to peer pressure. Peers her age, doing the right thing, will hopefully rub off on her.
Good Luck.

She's just a bad seed.... JUST KIDDING!!!!!
I have a child like that and we often say that he will be a CEO, because of his need to be the best. What sometimes worked for us was to put him in the drivers seat (in your case her) Make your daughter the one in charge of making that little brother feel good. "What can we do to help him feel fabulous about himself?" At one point we actually told our son he'd get a dime for every affirmation given. I know it sounds like training a dog, but it worked wonders...... Also, try completely ignoring the put downs, while exuberantly praising the affirmations. "Wow was that an affirmation? It sounded like POETRY!!! I LOVE THIS!!! Let's go get ice-cream!"
Now my kids are 15 and 17, and needless to say, the younger is the more popular. They have become very close. everything changes with time.

try having her write down five things she LIKES about her brother, like maybe playing games or watching cartoons together. make it positive. her writing down reasons to change her behavour seems so negative for a 7 year old. II have a 12 year old son, and an 11 year old daughter. some days they argue all day, and other days they are best friends. Try having a short tea party with your daughter, just tea and some cookies and her favorite stuffies. Talk about fun stuff, include your son if you like. when my kids were at that age, they loved it. (decaf LOL) I don't mean to sound like I am critising but a 7 year is only 7. They don't yet have the emotional capacity to deal with those type of feelings. She may just be overwhelmed and angry with things in general. I wish you luck!

Hugs
Barb

My guess is that your daughter feels badly about the way she treats her brother and would like to stop. I suggest you try compassion, not punishment. If she feels understood and that you are on her side, it can change the dynamics immediately. I have been using the techniques in the book, Postive Discipline, by Jane Nelson and what a difference it has made!

Good Luck

Hello,
I think this is normal. Sometimes it seems my nine year old responds to every praise I give my seven year old with "I can do that better". Other times he's her best champion. I am in my forties and I'm still jealous of the attention my "little" brother gets from my mom even though my brain tells me he's needier. It's human nature to be jealous, its how one handles their jealousy that is key. Praise your daughter's handling of her emotions and tell perhaps find ways to praise your son privately and specifically like "that was an authentic head roll" rather than "you are such a good gymnast". The other thing that I find really valuable is to find time to spend alone with your oldest. I also josh with my oldest about how "cute" the younger one is. I also tell stories and reminisce about what a good big brother the oldest is to reinforce the older child's vision of himself as the older, protector, and wise one.
Its difficult because to the oldest, they are always having to buck up where the youngest gets babied. Its good to give "special priveledges like fifteen more minutes staying up or "gets the special chair. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Jamie,

I see that you already have a number of responses but when I read your post I felt like I had to write. I have two girls ages 6 and 2.5 and over the years we have had similar issues. Here are a few things that I have used as techniques. First of all, do not always intervene in their conflicts. Your son needs to learn to standup for himself, and the two of them need to learn to resolve their conflicts togehter. I notice with my girls that often a situation escelates becasue I DO step in. Let them try to deal with eachother before you get invovled. I know it is sometimes hard not to react and want to jump in, but try. Look at a clock and wait a few minutes. If the situation is not resolved then you can talk to them together about communicating their feelings to eachother. Your role should be facillitor. Also, something that I have recently started that has been amazingly helpful for my oldest daughter is starting a "chore chart". Its not really chores per se but more a list of things that she CAN and NEEDS to be responsible (and for which I should not have to constantly remind her about). One of the chores on the list is "be kind to my sister", others on the list have to deal with personal hygine, clearing her place at the table and doing her homework amoung others. She gets stickers at the end of the day for completing each task and at the end of the week if she has gotten enough (40 out of 49) stickers she gets $1. Your daughter is obviously very smart, and strong willed (similar to my daughter). She wants to do things well. Having this chart might help her have a more defined set of expectations, and a way to have a daily/weekly feeling of accomplishment. Also, your son is old enough to have his own set of expectations, and maybe it would be helpful for both of them to have a chore chart of some kind.

If you'd like to talk more or would like to see my chore chart I'd be happy to share it with you just shoot me a message.

Good luck.

M

Have you read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by A. Faber? I highly recommend it for anyone with two or more kids!

Hello, Jamie,

Okay. You've tried reasoning with your daughter about how wonderful she is, etc. and still she behaves negatively towards her brother. She is rather young to try to control this type of behavior by herself so may I suggest you try the following exercise?

Sit down with your daughter (and your son, too) and tell her that "we are" going to do something different this time. The next time she is mean to her brother, she gets a time out for "X" amount of minutes (generally, some go by a minute per year of the child's age, longer if there was hitting or other negative physical interaction). "Oops! You say your brother is a fatso. That is not OK. Please go to your time out." She is to think about what she did that was wrong, what she could have done differently and how she can make up for her behavior. Let her know this is a new house rule and it applies to her brother, too.

After time out is over, she needs to apologize to her brother and say something positive about him. She can do something nice for him, too. Your son needs to say something that accepts her apology. You can also reinforce the positive interaction with compliments. It would be especially effective if you catch your kids playing happily together and remark on how well they getting along.

The above suggestion helps you in a more proactive way. Kids need rules and active guidance to know exactly where they stand in the family dynamics. Reasoning alone is not enough. You probably will need to repeat the process for a while as kids like to test you if you mean business :~). Keep consistent and your daughter will come to understand that life will be a lot pleasanter without playing the jealously game. Another plus is that her brother will learn from the positive interactions as well. Let me know how it turns out. Good luck.

Lori

ALAM: I'm SAHM with an awesome husband and two lively kids, a 10 1/2-year-old daughter & 4 1/2-year-old son.

Wow you did a great job. I have a 6 and a 2 year old with the same issue. I have asked them to praise each other for accomplishments. Also, I have a jar with rocks and every (superficial) kind act gets a "big brother rock. It works for our family.

I had the same situtation regarding my 24 and 22 year old a long time ago. Your attitude here plays an important role. Maybe more time with her, just her, you see it is in your actions that the response comes...think about it.

Siblings without Rivalry!!!! I love this book! My boys are/were physical fighters, and I was at my wits end!
Good Luck
d

Hi Jamie, I don't mean this disrespecfully at all, I have even had to check this on myself... Is there a possibility that she sees you talk to your husband or other male that way, even in a joking manner? Kids will reflect what they see their parent do. They are little copies of us.

If all that is in check, then she could have an imbalance in her Serotonin levels.

In the central nervous system, serotonin plays an important role as a nerotransmitter in the modulation of anger, agression, and mood. There are parasites of the intestines that upset the serotonin levels. (90% of your serotonin is in your gut!)
An overgrowth of CANDIDA (fungus)is one parasite, it is causesd by antibiotic use at any time in her life, or too many carbs, processed foods and sugars.
Another parasite is Blastocysts. It usually gives IBS type symptoms like intermittent diahhrea, constipation, tummy pain, headaches, depression, sleep problems, possible rashes. It is more common in california than the other states. It comes from eating foods contaminated with feces (from another humans hands or from animal feces on veggies, for example, lettuces.)
There is an intestinal parasitic worm called Archiacanthocephala That lives in the intestineal wall - again, it affects serotonin.
These are just a couple of the ones I have started to research. I have 7 pages of parasites here, 2/3 of which live in the intestines and could certainly affect many things, including mood. Some of the parasites come in tap water, meats and dairy, or veggies. Some eggs even come in dreid rice and beans. Some parasite eggs are brought into our homes on our shoes. Dogs and cats can carry parasites and worms to us. I think dogs can carry pinworms to kids.

Parasites are very common, in fact it is widely recognized that pets and farm animals have all kinds of parasites (we deworm our chickens every 6 months!)yet doctors won't aknowledge them in humans! In the old days doctors did de- parastize people, it is a practice that has gone away. But our processed foods and over antibiotic use make our gut a fertile feeding ground for them, more now than ever. And some are hard to find, even in stool samples.
I am convinced that most behavioral problems in children that doctors "cover up" with anti-depressants are un-disagnosed bacteria and parasite infections.

Cumanda and Oregano oil are very good for candida. Samento is good for bacteria.
For worms, herbalists use ground Cloves, wormwood and walnut hull.

Also to increase well being and mood: give her COD LIVER OIL daily , and FLUVIC ACID. You will see a better mood come out of her with these supplements.

Dehydration causes aggression as well because the nerves and central nervous system runs on hydro electricity. With your body in low water reserves, headaches,edgyness and aggitation will result. Keep her well hydrated (sugar, potato chips, any processed food are dehydrating.)One 8 oz glass of water per every 20 pounds of weight.

Good luck!

ps...I see that people give a lot of advise on time outs. Um, they have never worked for me! The behaviors keep getting repeated and the kid keeps getting sent to time out.It's like sending them for a rest!
For behavior to change, pain is needed. You'll notice adults will threaten a spouse for years about changing a behavior, and it isn't until a painful experience comes (ie: I'm leaving you) before the desire/ability to change actually occurs. Think about using time out on your spouse when he does something wrong - go sit in the chair and rest! Kids are no different- they are just little versions of us.
A little pain of the rod of correction on the rear end will not cause your child to die- indeed, the Bible clearly states use the rod of coorection and save your child's soul from hell.

I have 2 boy 7 and 5 and have exactly the same problem and I usually feel alone in it when I see some of the siblings at my sons school. The new thing that I have been trying is that when they hurt each other that not only do they have to say sorry but they have to give each other a hug and kiss(my older one hates it, my younger sweet one doesn't mind) Then of course there is time out(1 min per year of age) another thing that I have done is to get 2 jars(like spaghetti jars) you can even let them decorate them however it is a good idea if they can still see through them. The idea is that when they do something good or helpful they get a quarter for their jar also when they do something nice for each other however on the other hand when they are mean to each other they have to take one of their quarters and give it to their sibling for their jar. It is a good thing for you to have a jar somewhere to put your spare quarter and of course the ones you earn from them when they have done something wrong in general. Sometimes bribing with quarter works to like "If you are good while we are in the store you will get 2 quarters for you jar" it works, believe me. Now when their jar is full they get to pick something to do together as a family, what they like is it is their choice. Good Luck I hope this helps, I will be checking back for any other suggestions too.

I'll add another recommendation for SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY, by Faber and Mazlich. Their focus in this book (and in HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK) is on responding to the emotions behind the actions. So acknowledge when her little brother is being a pain. Acknowledge that it's hard to share a parent. Your daughter is only 7--she's a child herself!
I first used their techniques when my son was about 2 1/2, and got up not wanting to go to daycare. I had to go to work; he had to go to daycare. I said, "That's hard when you get up and don't want to do what you're supposed to do. There are times I feel like that." He seemed responsive, so I listed every adult I could think of who sometimes gets up and doesn't want to do what they're supposed to. We sat for another 30 seconds, he gave a little sigh, and said, "I better get dressed for daycare." His reality--that he didn't want to go to daycare--had been acknowledged.
My two kids--now 25 and 21--are good friends despite being very different people. I think using Faber and Mazlich's techniques really helped.
I know it's available in the Santa Clara County Library system, and I'm sure it's available at other libraries if you want to look at it before buying it.
Good luck.