I get so frustrated with my oldest son. He seems to always find a way to put down his little brother. We are very involved in sports, now is football season, and my 10yo has made playoff and has done really good. And no matter how well he does his older brother always finds a way to find only the negative. Im beggining to feel this neagativity will take a toll on my son before he just explodes.
Dont get me wrong my older son is a good brother when he wants to be. And they are great together when our other children are not around. But sometimes he can be so brutal I feel sad. Im constantly definding him, then getting in a agruement with a 14yo who thinks they know it all gets frustrating too.
Any suggestions?
Remind him he needs good sportsmanship and to be a good example instead of tear his brother down. If he can't do that, then he has to sit on the sidelines for the next game. If he continues, then he loses his game play for the season.
A few questions come to mind = is your older son in sports? Is he competitive? Does the younger brother seem to be successful in other aspects of his life that his older brother is not (gets better grades, has more friends, etc)?
It almost seems to be that there is a jealousy factor here. If your older son is in football as well and they did not make playoffs, he could be expressing his anger and frustration by being mean to his younger brother.
I’m not excusing his behavior by any means, but I always try to dissect the problem and get to the root before handing out consequences for behavior like this.
Does your older son get kudos even if his team does not do as well? Do you make a big deal about his accomplishments too?
There is something going on with your older son and before punishing his behavior I think you should have a very loving talk with him. It may be that you defending the younger brother makes him feel less understood. He is trying to communicate feelings that he is just having trouble expressing.
Maybe you can take him to dinner or go for a walk with just the 2 of you. Or maybe Dade can have a heart to heart talk with him???
Tell him that if he doesn't have something nice and positive to say then keep his trap shut!! This is punishable behavior, so give him a warning and then DO something! Better yet, make him do something for his younger brother!
My older son does the same thing to his little brother (although they're not in sports). I've found that if I spend time with my older son, doing what he likes to do or showing interest in him, he in turn treats little brother better. Also, if I say to him something like, "what do you think of his drawing? looks pretty good huh? Why don't you tell him?" it puts some responsibility on him to say something nice to his brother. If he does say something good to him, praise him and say, "what a nice big brother you are! I hope your brother grows up to be like you!" Builds him up at the same time. Good luck!
All siblings are competetive with each other, and males tend to be especially athletically competetive. Your older son is trying to assert his role as older brother; often the way kids do this is by pointing out, loudly, that everything their siblings do is SO immature, and pointing out just as loudly that THEY can do better. It's so aggravating, but totally normal. Then, when you defend the younger son, your older one thinks, consciously or unconsciously, that you're choosing favorites. That makes him dig his heels in more, because he resents not being "the favorite."
Just calmly and quietly insist on the old rule of, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." When he starts picking at his brother, don't explain or defend, just say, "That's no way to treat anyone, especially family," and insist that it stop. You might ask how he'd feel if you were constantly putting his achievements down by saying, "College kids can do it better." Make sure that whatever any of the kids are good at - art, chess, reading, drawing, not just athletics - is seen as valuable. Kids are hyper sensitive to anything they think is favoritism.
It's time for big bro to REALLY learn "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I'd start by having a heart to heart with your 14 year old, focusing on empathy. How would he feel if you or his dad said nothing but negative things, day in and day out? If he gives you the macho "I wouldn't care" line, I'd list the top ten things you're not so fond of about him. It's harsh and painful, but will show him very clearly that, yes, he does care and that's the pain his little bro feels when he, as big bro, dishes the negative.
Once he gets the empathy side, let him know (and be ready to enforce) that if he continues to say negative things, he will lose privileges. In my house, grumpy boys get to do extra, character building chores or they don't get something they enjoy, whether it's a friend over, a movie, Wii time, computer time, etc. The key here is consistency. And if you catch wind of big bro bashing in private, well, the punishment stakes just get higher.
My sons are also 4 years apart, 16 and 12, so I've gone through this. It took only a few lost privileges before my know-it-all eldest stopped bashing his little bro.
My eldest has this message to your eldest: Just remember, one day little bro will be big enough to fight back and all the negative will give him even more of a reason to attack. What goes around, comes around. I did it, too, and I'm VERY sorry I did.
I think it has to do with just being brothers... I guess it's their way of toughing up their younger sibling. I have the same problem but mine are 13 and 4 years old. I'm consistently yelling at the older one too, he should know better. My youngest 4 year old gets along GREAT with his 15 year old sister. I love it when the two of them play, they don't rough-house as much either. I didn't have brothers so it's hard for me to accept a lot. I don't have advice other than when they get older they will probably be very tight. Also, you are not alone.
Hi M. J.
Check out the book: Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Best of luck to you
C.
Is your oder son insecure? Maybe he feels his little brother is really better than him and it makes him very sad, so he looks for ways to make his brother seem less than perfect. Build up the older one and find something that he excels at to complement him on. Let him overhear you talking to others about how good your 14 yo is at something, etc.
Okay.. to me this is about, kids learning that each person is different... he is who he is and his brother is who he is.
AND being a sibling... means being 'proud' of the other... no matter what... because, we care and realize... that each individual.... is not the same. EACH child... has differing talents or abilities.
A 14 year old... can understand that.
Siblings... do not have to be the same.. nor have the same activities or interests... at all.
AND I would not expect each child to have to do the same activities.... teach your son that....
Its time to tell your oldest son... that "criticizing" his younger brother.. .is just not nice. How would he feel... if you did that to him???
Teach your 14 year old... what "criticizing" is.... and it is mean.
Its about time... he learn that. In no uncertain terms.
It has nothing to do with competing.... it is about caring... and supporting one another because they are FAMILY. Therefore, family should have each other's back.... looking out for one another and being there for them. And a "family" is about being a TEAM, together.
Your 14 year old... if he does not learn that now... he will not empathize with that concept.
all the best,
Susan
You may want to check out "Mom! Jason's Breathing on Me" from the library.
I think the 14 y/o sounds like he may be jealous of his little brother. I was the youngest of 4 and the brunt of a lot of negativity. It will take a toll on your 10 y/o and its not fair. You need to find a way to put a stop to it.
