My son is 4 and the shyest kid ever! Seriously. Which, normally, i think is fine. He opens up when he is comfortable and knows you. However, it is now January and he is yet to talk to his teachers at school- or any kids in his class for that matter. He goes 3 days a week from 9-11:30. This is his 2nd year being in school and even went over the summer, because I wanted to keep him around kids and the like. He has been in mommy and me classes since 6months old. He spoke to his teacher last year and over the summer. But the most he will do now is nod yes or no. He has no problem with going to school- he says he likes it. When he comes home he tells me all about it. When I ask if he told his teacher this or that, his response is always "no, I don't talk at school" I ask why "i don't want to". So I don't know what to do. He is super smart and I don't doubt ready for kindergarten, but I worry they will say he shouldn't go because he is so shy. Which- even aside from all that- I think he would just have more fun if he would open up a little. Has anyone gone through this? I don't know how to get him to talk at school.
has he been thru the district's preK screening? If he doesn't talk for them, they'll get help for you...
& yes, he needs to talk. It's time for you to determine if this is shyness or manipulation (sorry, it does happen). Only you can decide this.
Have you &/or the preschool tried positive rewards?
Does your son talk to other people outside of school (i.e. neighbors, other family members that do not live with you)?
My youngest dd was diagnosed with selective mutism when she was 4. First year of preschool she said two words all year. She played with the other kids but would not talk to them. The administrator even told me that she probably had selective mutism but did not offer me any help. Halfway thru the second year, one of the teachers took me to the admin who finally gave me a card for the city school early childhood intervention specialist.
I had to answer almost 700 questions about dd then they evaluated her. In addition to preschool three days a week, she also went to a communication class one day a week. Also an intervention specialist came to school once a week to see her. This was all free.
Dd was a little chatterbox at home but when we had company she would talk to some but not others. Outside the home, she would hide behind me or just plain refuse to talk. All attempts to make her talk ended with her in tears. I noticed problems as young as 9 months old when I took her to story time at the library.
The intervention from the school really helped. By the end of K she was reading books to the class but she still had people that she would not talk to. Even now at 8, she will on occasion refuse to talk to people. I can see her stiffen up and not talk when someone she doesn't know or rarely sees talks to her. Sometimes she will answer their questions by looking at me and talking to me instead of them.
Contact your local school system and see if they will evaluate your son and get him so help.
I think you need to explore the possibilty of Selective Mutism, especially if he's not talking AT ALL there....
My niece was the same way until she got into kinder right before she turned 5. It took her a while, but she now has friends and participates in class and the like. I've seen a difference with her at church too (I teach the 4-5 year old class). She sings the songs now, plays with the kids, it's great!
He may just need a little more time.
I was almost that shy when I started school (in K, never went to preschool). Talk with the teacher and see if you can find way to encourage him to talk at school without pressuring him. I don't recall in detail but I know by 1st grade I had a few friends. I still don't love speaking in front of a large group but most of the other shyness was outgrown a little at a time.
Right now it is not an issue for him. If you turn it into one, it is likely to make matters worse. Has his teacher said it's a problem? If not, take a step back and try to let him go at his own pace.
maybe it being 2 1/2 hours he knows if he holds out he doesn't have to talk. can you leave him there all day (if they do all day care there) a couple days a week and see if that helps? it sounds like he's in a routine and knows that if he just holds out, pretty soon mommy will come rescue him.
i think it would be good to get him out of his bubble a little bit. good luck!
Why would he talk to the teacher? Most kids don't talk to the teacher and that is something you really don't want to start. For one thing, there is no time to have a casual conversation with the teacher. It's different if he actuall has a question or something went wrong. As for talking to other children....You mentioned he's super smart. You might want to have him tested to see if he's gifted, if your school will do it. The thing people do not understand about gifted children is that most of them are not talkers. It's really not that they are shy, they just don't see any reason to talk or may not be able to identify with their peers. A lot of gifted kids are more likely to open up to older kids, because they can understand them better. The command of language just isn't there with peers their own age. It seems like it's not bothering your son, so don't let the lack of being a social butterfly get to you. He's happy being himself. You have to be careful too, because you can't hold a gifted child back without having a detrimental effect on that child. Gifted children have a need to achieve, so holding one back would slow their development down and self-confidence. If he is gifted and the school suggests him skipping a grade, let him. You'll see a big difference in him if they do that. You might also want to enroll him in a traditional martial arts class like kung fu or karate. In martial arts classes, every one is considered as part of a martial art family. They become brothers and sisters, which would really bring out the hidden social butterfly within your son as well as confidence.
That was my son too, exactly. The thing that really brought him out of his shell was that we sent him to a Montessori school, where the atmosphere was wonderfully calm and quiet, and he wasn't sensorally overwhelmed. At that school, I also asked the teacher to identify a prospective friend -- any boy who with a relatively sweet, gentle disposition who didn't play roughly. I then approached this boy's M. to set up a playdate, and he and my son are now best friends and inseparable.
I was initially reluctant to switch my son out of the school he attended when he was 2, since I thought it'd make things worse for him to adjust to a new environment, but in retrospect I wish I'd switched him at mid-year.
Because you're in NJ I'll mention the specific school: Children's House Montessori School in Highland Park (which, in turn, is right near New Brunswick). It's literally the best thing that ever happened to my son. They have a kindergarten program, too.
my daughter was like ths somewhat and I wish I held her back..she can do her times tables but in school is sooo shy it hurts her. The teacher even said she can hear her read books by herself but when asked on tests she gets so shy and doesnt talk and that if it didn't change she would need to repeat, because even though they knew she knew th info they couldn't prrove it. Anyway she is a lot better and has friends but still is really shy in big groups, like lunch time, or recess. I know youre not going to liek ti, but I;d reccomend if he has a mid to late birthday holding him back and doing a full time pre-k or possibly private full time K and then a second year of K somewhere else. I'm considering this. Confidence helps with everything at school...and since my daughter is shy and not confidnt it does hurt her. I'm thinking of repeating K somewhere else
You could be describing both my children. My daughter was SUPER shy in her 3 and 4 year old preschool program and when she entered kindergarten she had this amazing social/emotional growth spurt and became super confident. She attended school in the states for 5 weeks before we pulled her out and moved to London. I was so worried about the transition for her but she did great! She is now 6 and in 1st grade, she had the lead role in the school play and was elected class rep for student council. My son never attended any kind of school/daycare until we moved here to London. He started a 3 year old program in November last year and didn't say a word to anyone until almost February. It wasn't until the last month of school that he began giving verbal responses to the teachers. He is now in his 4 year old program and is still VERY reserved with new people and situations, but verbally participates in whole class and small group activities and will speak to the teacher in a very quiet manner. He is great with his peers and has lots of friends. I guess my point is that each child progresses at their own pace. If I were you I would look at your child as a whole. Do you have any concerns with his self help skills, peer relationships or school readiness? If not, then talk to the teacher to see if she has concerns. Sometimes it is just a matter of development. Good Luck and PM me if you want to talk more.
