K.P.
Wow! What a determined boy!! He sounds REALLY smart and confident, which are definitely admirable qualities... until they result in a battle of wills with you (of course).
I speak from experience that my youngest was BY FAR the most challenging, because of her independence, strong will, etc...
First we ruled out any medical issues that might be a factor - ADD, autism, etc...
In 2005, when she was 3, we worked with a behavioral specialist (who observed my daughter in multiple settings: pre-school, daycare and home) and we received a written plan which we implemented - with some assistance, I might add. I will include some of the written portions for you to see part of the plan that really did work for us.
Give Effective Directions;
1. Come down to eye level
2. Explain what the direction is using a matter-of-fact voice
3. If child resists, bring her away from ANY distractions and explain that she will have to sit in that area until she is ready to.... fill in the blank
4. Cease all communication until she complies with the direction, only restating the direction every few minutes (remember to state it exactly like the first time, DON'T ARGUE)
5. Once she has complied, give praise. Let her know how much you appreciate it nomatter how small the task is.
We also received instruction on 3 different "discipline techniques": Time out, physical restraint, and object aggression.
It took a little while (for me more than my husband) for me to put it together and realize that I had a bigger role- or responsibility- than I realized. The biggest change was that I CHANGED, which seemed to miraculously help her to make better choices.
I found that one of my biggest challenges in being a better parent was my failure to address behaviors when and where they occurred. I had to let go of the clock, which meant that I no longer had "getting to work on time" as my number one priority. Secondly, I had to address the behaviors where they occurred. Once, this meant sitting on the sidewalk outside a strip mall in my work suit (in the rain- no less) for the amount of time that it took, again changing my priorities. In the past, we would remove her from situations, or just avoid taking her with (restaurants, grocery store, etc)
She is now in 1st grade, and is the JOY OF MY LIFE. She is still strong-willed, independent, confident, and smart, but is almost never disobedient. Miracles do happen.