Should I Tell Her the Truth?

I think you SHOULD tell her the truth, but not "the whole truth and nothing but the truth." Just say, "Sara, you were always a great cheerleader. I'm so happy to have you back." End of story. If she thinks through the contradictions between what you're saying and what you're mom's saying, then that's between her and her mom. Just because an unkind lie has been told doesn't mean you have to perpetuate it.

Really, this poor little girl sounds like she's been subjected to a terrible home life. If you can throw a small shred of self-esteem her way, that's the right thing to do.

The truth is best in this situation. Poor sweetie. I can't imagine thinking for that long that I was cut because I wasn't good. What a cruel way for her mom to treat her!

However, I think you should talk to her mom and let her know what you've told us. Be kind and honest. Let her know that you can tell her daughter the truth, or she can. Either way...her daughter needs to know. Perhaps her mother can use the situation to redeem her relationship with her daughter.

She sounds like a sad, narcissistic woman to me.

I would tell. Why would you protect this woman's lies over the truth and the feelings of this child? You don't owe the mom anything and the daughter needs to know the truth.

Maybe you could just tell her that you are glad to see her back, that you missed her and her ____ (whatever trait she excelled at). You hated that she got hurt and had to leave the team for awhile. And leave it at that.

If she ever asks you directly (I doubt she would) then I would absolutely tell her that the rules required that you had a doctor's note clearing her and that you never got one, so had no choice but to let her go. You don't have to SAY her mom refused to follow up or lied about her injury. Just give the facts from your side: You needed a clearance note and didn't receive one. Then re-focus on how glad you are to have her back.

It is awful that her own mother talks her down like that. Good for her that she may get a spot back with your team.

I would say this when I saw her:

"I am so glad to see you! I sure have missed you so much. You are such a good performer and work so hard. I was so sorry to hear you broke your ankle and had to drop out! I hope to see that it healed well and you're able to come back and join us because it will be wonderful for us to have you back!".

Then she's going to be really confused and say "What?". Then you can play dumb and tell her that her mom told you that she had broke her ankle and the doc wouldn't give a note releasing her to come back. That takes the blame off mom and gives the girl an idea that mom messed up the cheer stuff.

Be the professional.
If she makes the cut, take her and leave it at that.
I seriously doubt such a young girl will ask you about her past experience, but if she does, simply say,
I very much enjoyed having you in the program before, I'm so glad to have you back, and here are the guidelines I expect you to follow from here on.
My daughters have done both ballet and gymnastics (and I assume cheer leading is similar.) The ultimate commitment and pressure is on the girls, THEY KNOW what's expected of them, right from the start, the coaches and teachers basically say I don't want to hear any excuses from your parents, either YOU want to be here, or you don't.
Follow that path, for that is truly in the girl's best interest, IMO.

I would let her try out...it's not the girl's fault the mother lied to you and to the daugther.

If she tries out, I would just tell her that you are glad she decided to come try out because you were sad to see her go before. IF she asks why you cut her, you should say that "per policy, you didn't recieve a doctor's note clearing her to return to practice" and then she had joined the other team. She can draw her own conclusions from that that without you saying "your mom lied to you".

Tell the truth if she asks, but not in a "Well, the truth is that your mom lied to me an said your ankle was broken" way, but say "I was so sad when your mom didn't bring a note for your broken ankle since regulations can't be broken, but I'm glad you're here now because your'e a great cheerleader." way. Let her figure out her mom said she had a broken ankle. Which is true that she said that-and you don't need to accuse her.

Also, if anyone else knows that you thought she had a broken ankle (hint hint, tell people lots of people how glad you are she's back after her broken ankle because she's such a great cheerleader) then it can get back to her that way. Her mom is going to be pissed no matter what so I wouldn't provoke her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to shield her either.

What a b___h.

If she makes the cut on her own merit:

"I can see that you are very committed to this. It will be great to have you on our team."

If she does ask about what previously happened, and it is likely that she won't, just give space to her. "I was told that you had a broken ankle, and our policy is to ensure that kids have healed before they come back to this. I don't really know if there was a problem with the doctor, but we are required to have a note and didn't receive one. So, I'm really glad you're back."

A great way to cement the relationship and let her know you do not hold the child responsible for anyone else's actions is mostly through actions and demeanor. Smiles during 'down' times are great, because she's not performing and you can give her constructive feedback during the times you are coaching. Try to enjoy her for her own self when you are not actively instructing. This will go a long way in soothing any hurt feelings or feelings of not measuring up. I would not bring up the past with mom unless she brings it up, but maybe have a "parent night" to acquaint all the parents with the expectations in how they can best support their children in this activity.

I don't think it is fair to the girl to bring bad blood between her and her mother, as I don't think that the knowledge of the past lie will do much to help her at this point. Instead, just be sure to praise her skills. That will do more to heal her past hurt of feeling "not good enough" than would throwing her mom under the bus (even if she deserves it.) This isn't really about what the mom deserves--it is about the good of the girl. An 11 year old needs to be able to trust her mom as much as possible. JMO

The best thing to say to her is that "For reasons known only to your M., she pulled you from my team and had you join another team."

There are no real good reasons that you really need to elaborate on the lack of a doctor's note following her injury.....

Welcome her back... it sounds like she is a good addition to the team, despite the M.'s drama...... and she needs someone to encourage her!

Just be sure that both the M. AND the daughter know about the team/group policies following a sport injury.

Also.. I like Hazel's way of explaining her absence.... that the team requires a doctor's note after a sport injury, and you never received one, so she could not rejoin the team.....

This is what I would do. And I hope you do it.

Have a meeting with the mother. Pull no punches. Tell her that you know the things she said about you to her daughter. Tell her that unless she brings her daughter in WITH you and in front of you, admits to her daughter that you did not cut her from the team because she wasn't "good enough", that you will not accept either of them on your team. There is no way that you can have this child on your team without truth and understanding and transparency. You tell them both that you needed a doctor's note, and the mother never brought you one. You don't need to bring up the fact that the mother loves drama. Let her decide what to say about why she didn't provide a doctor's note.

You just cannot hide everything from this girl and live this "lie" in your program. You also can't allow this mother to think that she can pull these shenanigans in your program. If you stand up to her now, she won't try this stuff anymore and she will know that you run your program above board. Please don't let her run your life.

I would let her try out and, if she's good enough, put her on the team. Don't bring up the past unless she does. Just be positive about the future. Tell her how happy and excited you are to have her back and that you're looking forward to coaching her again. There's no need to start drama within their family if you don't have to.

However, if she asks you about it, I'd definitely tell her the truth. Don't lie for her mom.

I'd also sit down with the mom at the first sign of any trouble whatsoever. Again, no need to start drama if she comes in with a good attitude, respects you, and follows the team rules. But if you catch even the slightest bit of trouble, bring her in without the daughter and lay down the law. Tell her she needs to follow the rules, encourage her daughter, and respect you as a coach if she wants to stay on the team. If drama continues, tell the daughter that she needs to tell her mom how important the team is and that the mom needs to cooperate with you so she can stay on the team.

If you let her come back, will her knowing the truth make a difference in how/what you teach her, as well as how she'll perform?

If you let her come back, will her mother acknowledge your authority in front of Sara as her instructor?

If the first answer is no and the second is yes, then there really isn't any reason to confront the mother or tell the daughter the truth...right now. All you have to worry about as an instructor is to develop Sara's talent and inspire her to always give her best performance. At the same time, I'd pull the mom aside, explain how its going to go down this time around (making sure she understands injuries require doctor's approval and no more lies to her daughter about you) and let her know what you plan on doing for her daughter (that whole bit about developing talent and inspiring).

Let her back on the team - it's not her fault her mother's an idiot.

Don't say anything to her about why she left your team originally; there's no way you can say it without looking like you are bashing her mom. Just continue to give her praise for her good cheering, and she will know she's a good cheerleader.

I agree with Patricia.

There's no reason for you to even hint at why she left before, unless she asks you directly. At that time, you can tell her, and you should not elaborate. A simple "We never received your doctor's release following your broken ankle" will suffice. She can inquire further if she wants, but you donn't need to be the oen to open all that up. No need to ever respond to the grapevine. In fact, you should act like you never even heard that.

ETA: You really should consider your motives here. Not that your intentions are bad ones or that you don't genuinely care for this girl, but to what end would you need to open that door?? You HEARD that her mother told her that you thought she wasn't good enough. Well, did you hear it from her? Have you seen where she's suffered because of it? You are venturing outside the realm of minding your own business. You are taking it upon yourself to force her and her mother to address an issue that really doesn't concern you. I really wish that you would reconsider stirring that up. What you propose really reminds me of the people who are known to do and say hurtful things all in the name of "truth". I think that it's manipulative and mean. A simple enthusiastic "Good to have you back!" is all that you should offer. And then you should move on, objectively. It's rarely necessary to spill all our beans.

I think you would be doing the right thing to let her come back because the program really is for the girls and not the moms and "mom drama" is an unfortunate side effect that you just have to deal with.

As far as talking to her about why she left, you could try a "go with the flow" type approach. Be genuine and let her know that you are happy she is back and are very excited to work with her. If she's concerned about why she was cut, it will show and you will find the right way to talk to her about it. You could say something along the lines of, "I'm not sure what I said to give your mom the impression that you weren't good enough. I'm really sorry about the miscommunication. What a shame." Again, be sincere but willing and eager to move forward.

From what you have said my guess is the Mom is a verbal and emotional abuser.

Tell the girl the truth and continue to encourage her and tell her how good she is. Someone has to be in this girl's corner and let her know nothing is wrong with her, it's her mom who is damaged goods.

If she asks, tell her the truth. You did the right thing not letting her back on the team without the note.

And I'd let her back on the team. Just be sure that if her mom gets out of line even once, you need to set her straight from the get-go.

Good luck.

If the girl comes back, the mom comes back... do you really want THAT drama again.
I have some experience in this, my 13yr old does competition cheer in SC. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. You have your hands full.

Good for you.. Better to clear the air, than to play the moms game.

We went through this with one mom when our daughter was in elementary school.. The mom was over the top involved in her daughters activities..

The mom would make up all sorts of excuses.. or stories, but they learned very quickly, the rest of us did not work well that way. The girl knew the problem. So she tended to make her mother tell the truth.

We were still polite to the mom, but we gave her "outs" so she could "correct " her statements or "clarify" them.

I would be honest with her about why she was cut and reiterate what the rules are now. If she follows them, I would let her back in (if she is an asset to your group) and she needs to know that if she doesn't, she will be cut again. I wouldn't blame her mother or say her mom lied. The truth is no note, no return. Beyond that you had nothing to do with it.

If you don't want to look like you are singling anyone out, make it clear to EVERYONE that your policy is that you cannot return without a doctor's clearance, no exceptions. Let an older Sara figure it out. If she's 11 now, she's going to start to see the world a little differently.

If Sara comes to you and asks you why she was cut, then tell her the truth. If not, cut your ties and don't deal with her any more.

The mother horrifies me! sheeeesh...anyway, you are nice to not get in the middle but you might say that the mother must have misunderstood or didn't hear this correctly because you know she is very good. Then tell mom that she better butt out from now on. Nicely of course.Sounds like my mother who mellowed somewhat over eighty years...just kidding, she's probably only half as bad.This woman needs a serious spanking. Did I SAY THAT?

honey, dont step into the middle of that kind of drama. if you invite the daughter back into your team, the mother will invite herself along, but only after gossiping about you to the other mothers in the group, making you look bad and possibly setting you up to be fired from your job because she WILL do everything possible to make you look bad because she has the emotional depth of a teaspoon and she is somehow jealous of her daughters abilities, instead, get on line and find a list of cheerleading classes /workshops that she can try out for SOMEWHERE ELSE, if she takes a professional class, i guarantee that the teacher/coach has seen behavior like her mothers before, and knows how to deal with it effectively, without being set up to be verbally or possibly physically attacked by this woman. if the woman will make up a story about a broken toe, she might actually break the kids toes, or yours, the next time the kid tries out for your class
K. h.
BEEN THERE. DONE THAT

In kids ice skating (figure & hockey), there is no sideline coaching allowed. That means when the kids are on the ice, the coaches take over.

If you take her back...I would explain something similar to the mother. I would explain that this is to be enjoyed and the heckling will not be allowed.

As for the broken foot BS, it is the past and I would leave it that way. If she brings it up, I would just let her know that you know, without reaction.

I would tell her the truth if she comes back to try out.

I would not invite back the drama. I see here that mamas are trying to be very PC etc., but they are not in your life or situation--they are on the internet when it will be you dealing with the drama. There are other squads she can join.

yes.

you should tell her.

what a liar her mother is!

she should know now.

before maybe her mother tries to ruin her whole entire life.

Good for you - I think you're doing the right thing and the way you described talking to the girl sounds right on. After all, it takes a village and this girl will benefit from having good female role models around her.