I've been married 9 years. I feel like my marriage has been a complete train wreck, but have 2 small children who adore both of us very much. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and addict. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me while he was using. After he went through treatment, things got a little better, but I was still shouldering the load as he was focused on himself. He wasn't as mean, but we didn't really have much of relationship; we just co-existed. We separated for awhile and went to counseling. Over the past 1 1/2 years, I've been hanging on to provide a stable environment for my children. I have no love left in my heart for him, but felt like I should stick it out because that is the right thing to do and divorcing would be horrible. Recently he started drinking, smoking pot and being verbally abusive again. I met with a lawyer and pretty much decided I need to rip the band-aid off and leave him. I told him this last weekend and he threatened to hurt me. I had him arrested. Since then he's started going to AA again, wants to fight for our marriage and has been laying an enormous amount of guilt on me because I'm going to rip our family apart and devastate our kids if I divorce him. I feel like a fool for staying with him and giving him another chance. I mentioned to my 6 year old daughter that we might become "un-married" and she completely fell apart. I'm so unhappy with this man, but I'm terrified of what the split is going to do to my kids. Beyond that, I feel awful that I'm breaking this huge promise I made to another person and worried about what type of message I'm sending my girls if I leave. Is it better to stay in a bad marriage for the kids?
What you're doing is like holding on to an electric fence because you don't know what it would feel like to let go. For you and the girls it will take some time to adjust, but in my experience it will soon feel like a fresh breeze and a huge relief.
There comes a tipping point where you know it's time for a change. When you get there, you will know it.
He's being a typical abusive man using his alchohol problem as his excuse. He's being abusive to you and your children. Why would you stay? Do you want your kids to grow up and behave like him or to think that's how it's suppose to be.
I strongly urge you to call a battered women's shelter or hotline and talk to a professional it's free and they can steer you in the right direction.
Golden Rule don't stay in a relationship just for the kids.
lots of good advice has been given already. i just want to add that 'this is not your fault'. you mention the guilt that your husband is laying on you, and it is obviously affecting your feelings as you are contemplating staying with him when you head seems to already be half way down the road to divorce (and rightly so in my opinion). just please tell yourself, as i try to tell myself in a similar boat right now, the fact that your marraige failed is not your fault. you sound strong and driven and determined, so follow your strengths, your kids will see their mom finally be happy and that is incredibly important for all of you. you have the power of the mother!
It's not healthy for you to go through this again and especially for the kids to see this either way. If you feel in your heart you have done all you can you save this marriage and it's a two way street and your safety is being threatened...it's not worth it to stay. Follow your heart and your gut and do what is best for you and your kids.
Either way your kids are going to have a hard time. Of course you don't want to devastate the kids, but I think the bigger issue is safety. Also, it doesn't sound like it's a very stable environment with his drinking and drug use, and HE is the one ripping your family apart- not you! You don't want your daughters to learn that being abused is okay. You also don't want to teach them that they have to stay in a relationship even if they are unhappy. If you stay with him, the kids will continue to learn from him and his habits and ideas will rub off on them. I think it is better for you to just leave before things get worse. You can create your own stable and safe environment for them, one that you have control over.
What type of message are you sending your girls if you stay? That this is what marriage is? Is this the kind of marriage you want them to have? That is what you are teaching them by staying.
You've been through so much now you need to do what's right for your kids and take that next step. Get protection, he's already threatened you, take his word seriously for the sake of your children and leave. It won't be easy but eventually your kids will look up to you as that strong confident mom able to do something courageous to help improve their lives. Good luck, and please don't wait get help now.
A.,
In a word - NO! Staying married for your kids not only makes you miserable, but also teaches your girls that it is acceptable to remain in an abusive relationship. You're worried they will think of you as giving up, but you need to think of it as you teaching them to stand up for themselves and demanding to be treated like you/they deserve. Everyone has been in a crappy relationship to one degree or another and all I can say is that by making up your mind, sticking to it and removing yourself from the situation will totally empower you! What an incredible message to send to him as well as your girls!
Good luck and stay tough!
K.
Really? Did you just say you wonder what message it would send to your kids if you left? Here it is: hey girls, its perfectly fine to let someone beat you down. I'm not strong enough to keep you two in a safe environment.
Okay...so that may have been a bit harsh but you NEED to show your girls that it is not acceptable for someone to treat you that way. Worried about breaking your promise/vows? Um, how about his to love, honor and cherish you. I am far from perfect...I am divorced and now very happily remarried. Took 5 years to say I was happy again but it has made me a better mother and I know the kids will be better off, too. Being around an addict/alcoholic is not the right place for them. You know that.
I've been in your shoes. I'm sooooo glad I left, for me and for my children. Your husband is trying to manipulate you by going to treatment and trying to put guilt on you! Don't take it - it's not yours, it's his. Get as far away as you can, as soon as you can. When I left, I didn't know I was leaving, and all I took were the kids and my wallet. I never went back. I got a motel that night, and in the morning I knew more than anything that I did not want me or my kids to live like that!
