Should I Say Something? - Lansing,MI

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Rather than "say" something maybe it would be best to "show" something. Do you make sure your girls give her cards for occasions that require them? Do you do your part to make things work?

She sounds like she really isn't into being "family" with her fiances relatives, and your FIL must not mind. They arent married yet for a reason and I would say it's because she doesnt want "family drama".

Expose your kids to good friends, friends ARE the family we don't have.

Why care so much what she think of you or how she treats your kids?

She is not a wife. And after 20 years of "engagement" with zero result -- she is a girlfriend, not a true fiancee, significant other, partner or common-law spouse. She and your FIL are old enough to have their relationship on their own terms and frankly, if they do not see that including a relationship with you and your kids as "family" that is their prerogative. She does not have to love or even like you and your kids, and you need to accept that and Just. Not. Care. Easy to say, I know, but hard to do.

Your FIL is the one whose attention should be on your kids -- as far as he wants to give it; you cannot force an adult to do or feel anything -- and it is your husband's job, not yours, to work on that. Do you invite FIL places with the kids? Do you make specific invitations or just sort of expect FIL and girlfriend to hang out or come by or be glad to have you over whenever? I'd be much more specific in invitations to events and to your house. Always include girlfriend cordially but let him know that if one of them can't make it the other is welcome to come solo. If he turns things down -- well, you know you tried, and he cannot say later that "you didn't let me have time with the kids." As for the other "grandchild" who is no blood relation of FIL's -- if he loves the kid, well, a kid is getting some love. The jealousy is normal but you cannot alter it.

It sounds like you are trying to create a family where there is none. You say your own family is "broken up and bitter" and you're "trying to hold onto as much family as I can" for your children, but family means love given and received -- and that is not something you can force. What you have here are two older folks who are happily in a long-term, non-residential relationship but that doesn't mean the woman should or will have any feelings about the rest of her boyfriend's family. Sorry if that sounds cold, especially as he seems to be into HER family, but try not to expend precious energy or time on this any further. It will suck away energy you could be spending on your own kids.

Have you considered some counseling to deal with your own family background and lay that to rest, so that you don't continue to try to create a family however you can? Counseling could help you learn why you are doing this and why this woman means anything to you, and could help you stop frustrating yourself with attempts to be close to her.

I totally agree with the person who posted that you need to have "aunties" who are kid-loving friends and who are in your children's lives. We have no family anywhere near us (thousands of miles away in one case, hundreds in the other case) and have wonderful, loving aunties on whom we can depend to come to our child's special events if we ask, to do things with us as a family, and so on.

I like Jennie's suggestion of *not* making this person 'Grandma'.

If it were me, I would follow your FIL's girlfriend's lead. She's not into being 'family'. Why force it? I guess, given that situation, you are expecting way too much from that relationship. You want her to value her not-even-stepson's children more than her bio grandchild. I don't mean to be hurtful, but I wouldn't put your energy there.

For what it's worth, we have some strange family dynamics, so we've chosen to "auntie-up" our boy with lots of my child-loving girlfriends and great god-parents. This way, the more disappointing or geographically distant family members don't cause him to miss out. Grandma T is right, "Expose your kids to good friends, friends ARE the family we don't have." They can create some lovely richness and a sense of belonging, in some very healthy ways.

There is a guy in my office who has a relationship like your father in law. They got engaged, tried to live together for a month or so and found they can't. She just never felt like raising his kids. He accepted this. It is a strange relationship but it works for them. It works for his kids as well because they never looked at her as a mom, she was just the woman dad is in love with. He loves her kids as his, no better or worse, just the same.

As strange as it is it works because everyone sees it as what it is. She is nothing to his kids.

I don't know if this will help you but it seems like you are trying to make a relationship where there isn't any.

I just want to make sure I read this right since I keep seeing answers that don't reflect that. They have never lived together, they aren't married, dad treats the grandkids fine it is just this woman doesn't see any of you as kin?

What's the point? I don't think it's worth the energy. She sound like your FIL's booty call, honestly. All the good stuff with none of the hard stuff. That has to hurt her on many levels. She probably doesn't feel close to your family or like she is a part of your family because of it. She will always treat her blood grand kids better than yours, sometimes that just the way it goes. I would leave things as they are, personally.

She is not your children's grandmother and really has no obligation to behave as such. It would be nice if she was interested but she is not. Just like it is nice that FIL is interested in her grandson, but he has no obligation to be.

I see it kind of like my uncle who got married when I was 30. His wife is NOT my aunt. I like her, am happy for them, but she has no auntly duties.

I think to actually "approach" her about it and initiate a talk might not be the best option.

Why not try some small things to build a better relationship between you.
Although, you say she has never shown attention or concern toward your husband in 20 years....so maybe don't be so quick to assume it's you (only).

Is your MIL still in the picture? Liv may feel awkward in family situations, like she's stepping on toes?

Anyway, in the end, I think it's unrealistic to think, with what you've described, that there is going to be tit-for-tat attention between her blood grandson and your girls.

Don't take it personally. Just.....don't.
And always surround your son with people that love and adore him--they don't have to be 'relatives'!

I think you are overestimating your FIL's relationship to this woman. They are not married, they do not live together. WHY am I asking would you expect to treat his child (your DH) like a son or your children as grandchildren.
I believe that even if she has not said it out loud to you, she must have surely talked about it with your FIL - but at least made it clear in her actions that she wishes no part in the life of his children or their respective families.
They have been living like that for 20 years! Apparently your FIL is perfectly alright with this and it sound like your husband is not too heartbroken about it either.
I think you need to let go of the idea that this woman is/should be your MIL and replace some sort shortcomings your own family has. Don't try to force bonds between your kids and her... your girls will be the ones ending up heartbroken.
She does not owe you or your family anything, she is not related to you by marriage or otherwise and while it would be awesome of she wanted to be your kids grandma, she has made her choice regarding this long before your children came along.
There is nothing wrong with her being close to her own children and grandchildren - but she is not your MIL and you need to let go of that dream.
Good luck!

If I were you, I would concentrate on your FIL being the grandparent and drop any expectations about his girlfriend.

Okay, I'm going to be blunt here. She is not, nor will ever be your mother in law or your husbands step mom. What she is and has been for 20 years is your father in law's way of getting his physical needs met. Lucky him. I mean honestly, would you really want someone that has avoided a relationship with your family for 20 yrs to be part of your kids life? I certainly hope not! You and your family deserve better. Feel free to include her on your Christmas card list just as you do your newspaper delivery person, you may even want to include a tip to thank her for her "services" to your father in law. : )

Nope. If she has been like this all these years, she is not going to give your kids love and attention. In fact, given that your family is broken and she has been around all these years and has treated you all like dirt, she probably enjoys acting this way.

Ignore your FIL saying he finally got a grandson. You just really need to ignore that.

Don't ignore your FIL not being willing to give you a straight answer to your question. The truth is, of course she doesn't like you. She tells you that she doesn't like you everytime she treats you and your family the way she does. And nothing will change that.

Ignore her, Mom. You won't get what you want. Soldier on and stick to family members who DO care for your girls. The last thing your girls need is to FEEL unloved by someone like your dad's girlfriend who lavishes attention on one kid and pointedly ignores them to their faces.

Dawn

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Perhaps your father's girlfriend resents being engaged for 20 years without marriage...I sure would. Perhaps she feels your FIL hasn't bothered to really make her a part of the family and is retaliating. It's hard to believe they would be engaged for 20 years...what's the point of being engaged if not "to get married"...and after 20 years, that's pretty much a "not going to happen" in her mind, I'm sure.

I don't think it's fair to you, but you just have to realize this woman is not the grandmother of your children by blood OR by marriage and only your FIL can change that. If she's really awful to your children, I'm sure they don't love her unconditionally (children are smarter than that) and it's a burden to them. Don't force it when it isn't going to happen.

Again, I'm really sorry. It's really too bad that it hasn't worked out differently, but I don't think there's anything you can do to change it. :(

I hear what you are saying. I would talk to her gently - open communication is always good. Personally, I tend to lower my expectations to the reality of my situation. Your pseudo step mom is who she is and is unlikely to change. I would have my kids call her by her first name and refer to her as grandpa's girlfriend instead of setting them up to have a bad "grandma". Hopefully your conversation goes well and she steps it up a bit. Best wishes to you!

Your FIL's fiance/common law wife sounds like "blood is thicker than water." I honestly doubt that there's anything you can do to change her behavior or "make" her like you or your husband or children.

It's her loss. As long as she's not outright cruel and being deliberately destructive, I would live and let live. Don't go looking to get your feelings hurt by asking whether or not she likes you. That's a disaster waiting to happen. The lady sounds like a peach.

I'm not sure if a talk with her about it will help any. It might possibly make the distance between you greater. She might take offense to it, and would be worse than before.

Maybe time for some "killing her with kindness". How far do they live from you? Reasonable driving distance?

If so then invite them to dinner and make light conversation with her, and be gracious and thank her for coming etc. Pull out some cute pictures of the girls for them to take home. You get it.

Have your husband make this effort too. Have him call his father to check in, and see how he is etc.

Have family trips to places, and invite them along with so they have time to spend with the girls, like to the zoo where they could interact with them.

Get creative, have the girls (ages?) draw up cards to send to Grandpa in the mail.

I understand you want your girls to be as close with them as they are with their "real" grandchild, but you cant force them unfortunately. So all you can do is TRY. and if that doesn't help anything after awhile, then you know where everyone stands, and you can move past it, knowing you did YOUR part to make the relationship better.

Best wishes to you.

She's not your kids' grandmother. They don't even live together, so that should limit your time with her. Do not focus on her and whether she pays attention to your kids. Focus on the time that your FIL spends with the kids. When he made that comment about finally having a grandchild, did you say something in the moment? "Uh, you've had grandchildren for x years." Don't fight him on it, but don't let it slide IN THE MOMENT. It's key that you say something when it happens and not try to save it all up for a big meeting. That will be more stressful on you and the relationships if you feel a need to keep tabs for a later and bigger discussion. You'll feel better if you can deal with it right then and then let it go. It's okay if he also spends time with her grandchild. She is part of HIS family, so her grandchild would be somewhat important. She is not YOUR family, though, so you don't have to feel any obligation to her and hers.

I know that you are super sensitive to how she treats you and your husband because of your own background, and because you want to protect your husband's feelings. Dismiss her, though. Think of yourself as a person who is in your husband's life to give him love that he can't get from anywhere else. He doesn't need her love. She is not his family.

Unless they have something in writing (do NOT mention this to them), your husband and children are his heirs, not her or her children or grandchildren. Even if he has nothing and you want nothing, just use that knowledge to help you feel better and convince yourself that she is irrelevant to YOUR life. That should help you feel better when you have to deal with her.

ETA: Oh, and I like the idea of not havign the kids call her "Grandma" or anything like it. They should call her "Miss Y" and not consider her their grandmother. She is their grandfather's girlfriend. Period.

"I just don't understand why it's so hard to be close and love them when the girls unconditionally love her ?"

I feel the exact same way. My daughter is a step child. SHe is too young to know that. All she knows is she has a big sister, and 2 big brothers that hung the moon. One of the big brothers doesn't feel the bond quite as strongly as she does. To be fair - he's 19 and she's 5. There is a big age gap. He doesn't do it on purpose, but he takes his little brother to do things, brings him presents, out to eat, and his sister is left crying. He always promises to take her next time, but next time never comes. It crushes her little heart and I am standing there screaming in my head....
I just don't understand why it's so hard to be close and love her when she unconditionally loves him?

What I can tell you, is it has gotten much better. Mainly it has taken me being the busy body that I am. I send him pictures of her, texts, have her call him and talk to him, make cards for him. My theory is she's so damn lovable, how could he help but fall for her charms everntually! He isn't 100% over treating them differant, but he's about 80% over it.

If you feel comfortable talking to him and your husband wont go for it. Just let him know it's important to you for the kids.

Good luck and God Bless!

You know it is always like that. I hate it too, but someone is always going to be treated better, or treat someone elses kids better than yours. My husbands parents are like that too. His dad mostly dislikes any kid and his mom has her favorites (not mine). My suggestion to you is yes, ask her whatever you want, but don't expect anything to change. Don't get your hopes up, because you will be let down. Are your parents involved and live near? I would just put all my energy into that, or someone else that they are close to. And don't mention any of this in front of the kids either. They'll figure it out on their own. Good luck.

If it is *really* effecting your girls (and not just you thinking it should effect them or it bothering you), I say give it a try...BUT...don't expect much from it, she is a grown woman who obviously has no problems being who she is and treating you guys the way she does.

It can't hurt anything to try to talk to her about it, that's for sure, as long as you are kind in your approach. However, I am guessing she is not going to change her behavior and I wouldn't (me personally) want to try to force a relationship on my kids just b/c I wished it were more meaningful than it really was, ya know?

Be glad they aren't married. She'd be entitled to everything unless it's specifically stated in a will.
She is very self centered. And if she can't embrace the FIL's family after 20 years, she has her own agenda. And she would no doubt do it. Time for pops to call it quits. Engagement....I don't think so.
And she's jealous because your child took the spotlight away from her and put it on FIL. Notice how she blossomed when HER son became a dad and she was the center of attention.
I don't think what you're feeling is so much jealousy as hurt. That would be normal.
Your hubby should have a sit down with his dad, encourage him to keep his assets safe and decide now, while he's still alive and cognizant, to stipulate who gets what after he's gone. He should encourage him to ditch this dame too, who treats FIL's family with cold indifference. FIL needs to think about the entire picture. Who would he stand up for first? His own flesh and blood or the witch? If he's leaning towards the witch, I would simply not visit for a while until FIL really wants to see his son and family and decides to embrace all the grandkids.

We have some weird family dynamics, too. What I have come to understand is that a LOT of grandparents prefer one grandchild over all the rest (or favor the boys, or the girls). You would think they'd understand how hurtful that could be to a child, but often times, they don't. A set of grandparents in our family were not very accepting of my younger daughter until she was about 4 years old. I finally had to tell them, point-blank, that my younger daughter had asked why they didn't like her. This seemed to shock them, and they have been a lot better ever since. They simply didn't realize that doting so completely on my older child made my younger child feel excluded.

So I would say, yes, it's worth a discussion with Liv. However, it's also possible that she just doesn't care what you or your kids think. If that's the case, then you may need to reconsider whether you really want your girls involved with this woman. I know that you envision a warm, loving relationship between your kids and their grandparents, but if that isn't going to happen, then you need to face reality and try to shield your girls from this woman's apathy/dislike of them.