Should I Go or Not??

Ya know, my ex's family owns funeral homes, my son works there now. So after 18 years married to him and 27 years raising my son I feel like I have a pretty good handle on funeral etiquette.

The obituary is the formal invitation. That is all you get and find it odd that you expect a grieving family to take time and personally call you.

I don't think you should go but not because of the lack of them calling you.

People don't get invited to funerals. They just go to show support and pay their respects and say goodbye.

I've never been invited to a funeral...(what? engraved invites to a funeral?)I've just gone....

So if you feel up to going, go

You are being completely unreasonable to expect a formal invitation to a funeral and even special attention from the husband after his wife passed away. He probably doesn't even know what would be helpful. You essentially alienated yourself when you stopped being involved without honest communication. What we do for each other is not equal, especially when someone is very ill. Go if you want, it may help with closure and the grudges you are holding.

You're gonna be waiting a long time for an invitation to a funeral!

Lunch or wake meal/gathering normally extends to everyone at the service.
I was going to say it sounded like your heart was always in the right place but to tell you the truth...this post sounds very odd.

You're thinking about this wrong. People are not invited to a funeral. The grieving family is doing all they can to stay above water, and issuing invitations is not something they do. That's why the obituary goes in the paper almost immediately, so that people have a chance to know. FRIENDS are the ones who get on the phone and call around, or send emails to let people know. Nowadays with more people deciding to cremate, there are memorial services that offer more time for people to make arrangements to come. A lot of times, these are "celebrations of life", especially if the person was older or had been sick for a long time.

Sometimes a family has a lot figured out beforehand so that things run smoothly. Sometimes a family just cannot bear to make the plans because it's too hard on them, and then plans have to be made all at once.

It doesn't matter about how the spouse feels about you. You're the last thing on his mind right now. And if he doesn't want to ask you to do anything because he doesn't understand why you quit, then he probably won't ask you to do anything. Respect that and don't push.

Nobody gets a formal invitation unless its a celebrity funeral. Go if you want or stay home if you don't want. If its being held at a church just go to the service and leave at the end.

It's really unrealistic for you to expect an invitation to a funeral. If you are considering going I would encourage you to go. The number of people at the funeral is very comforting to the family left behind. There is a huge range of emotions that ppl go through when their loved one dies and it is possible the husband could be passing through an angry stage, though it would likely not be limited to only you.
If you feel like there may be some hostility or resentment then just don't talk to them at the service. Attend, leave a flower, and go. My dad is still going in and out of angry stages since my mom passed away last July for all likds of reasons. Thats a natural part of the grieving process. My father, my family, and I, remember all the people that came to my moms funeral and I remember who didn't. We are so thankful to everyone who came and showed their support... And I silently will always remember those who didn't...

I have never heard of anyone being invited to a funeral. And, the spouse is grieving, surely you are not asking him to consider your feelings by sending a personal invitation to you during his time of grief?

If you want to go to express your condolences, then go. If you would prefer to send a card, do that instead. Don't make this more complicated than it is.

If the funeral is private, of course you don't go. Private services usually only involve family and close friends. A close friend is someone that is an integral part of the family. As neighbor, even one who helped for awhile, I wouldn't consider myself as a close friend.

If you don't know whether or not it's private look up the obituary in the newspaper. It is probably on line. If it's not private, go if you want but do not expect interaction with the family. I wonder if you're seeking validation for helping them in spite of the decision you made? If so, it's not going to happen at the funeral and unlikely to ever happen. The family is grieving and not thinking of you at all.

I agree with Doris Day... you're focusing too much on yourself right now and your feelings. The family isn't thinking about you (probably) right now, and they don't have time to ask for help because they are probably overwhelmed with all that is going on.

You do not need an invite to go to a funeral. I've never even heard of that. You just go if you want. Go because you want to go, not because you think somebody wants you (or doesn't want you) there. Send a sympathy card in a few days and maybe a plate of cookies or something in a few weeks just to let them know you're still thinking about them and praying for them. That's not necessary if you don't think it will be appreciated or needed. But certainly go to the funeral if you want.

You didn't get in invite to the funeral? I've never been invited to a funeral...I've just went...either because I was told when it was or in some cases I looked or just stumbled upon the info...never invited.

I would go.

Agreed. If it's in the paper or something, it is public. I would hang near the back and go pay your respects. If by invite you mean he didn't specifically ask you to come, I wouldn't let that stop me. Likely the family will assume the grapevine is enough to spread the news.

I have never heard of invites to funerals. If there is an announcement in the paper or at the funeral home's website with the details, you go if you want to. If it says "private" service, then that's the indication that you are not to attend without prior notification.

i've never extended personal invitations to funerals. it's overwhelming enough to deal with the loss.
i'm betting there is some resentment there. if it were i, i'd have a hard feeling or two toward someone who offered help out of the 'kindness of her heart' but then disappeared because taking her up on it meant she was 'being taken advantage of.'
you couldn't simply say 'i can't go grocery shopping for you this week but will be happy to take you to the doctor on thursday'?
i mean, if you had to stop helping you did, but it strikes me as terribly self-centered to view it as your kind heart being taken advantage of, when they were in dire straits.
and you offered.
so i think you should go, but don't put yourself forward. quietly pay your respects and accept that you're not the family's favorite person right now.
khairete
S.

People who just lost someone important to them can't think straight for awhile. Often, they're in a fog during the early days. They usually forget some of the people who would want to know about the funeral. You're likely grieving her loss, as well, though to a less profound degree. Feeling slighted can go along with the mixed up swirl of feelings of grief.

Go to the funeral, and pay your respects. You cared for this woman and you were in her life. That's all that's necessary for someone to attend a funeral. In fact, it would be appropriate for neighbors who didn't know her to go, simply as a show of support for her survivors. Only funerals labeled "private" need an invitation, and then the details about when and where aren't released in obituaries. It is completely appropriate for you to attend this one, if you wish.

Unless it's a private service it's a public event, anyone can go. So if you want to go without being intrusive you can just hang near the back.

Go to the funeral to pay your last respects sign the book and then leave when the service is over. You will feel better for doing this than wondering the should I or not.

Sorry for your loss of the neighbor.

the other S.

There are no invitations to funerals. You go if you need to for yourself to say goodbye and/or to comfort the family.

You go and talk about pleasant memories of the deceased.

No invite to a funeral? Was there an obituary? When a loved one dies, the family generally do not write individual invites....Considering your hard feelings, if you want to do something, send a letter of condolence and let it go.

Pay your final respects before or after the memorial...all by yourself.

Updated

No invite to a funeral? Was there an obituary? When a loved one dies, the family generally do not write individual invites....Considering your hard feelings, if you want to do something, send a letter of condolence and let it go.

Pay your final respects before or after the memorial...all by yourself.

Updated

No invite to a funeral? Was there an obituary? When a loved one dies, the family generally do not write individual invites....Considering your hard feelings, if you want to do something, send a letter of condolence and let it go.

Pay your final respects before or after the memorial...all by yourself.

What does your gut tell you?

Not knowing how things ended (when you'd had enough) .. it's hard to say.

Generally people tell you when the service is being held. If he didn't mention the date/time, .. it's unlikely he's interested in seeing you there.

I think you have to respect his feelings. If you just ended things abruptly without any explanation ..

They may have come to rely on you, not so much take advantage of you, but if you'd been willing and happy to all along ... they may have come to depend on you. That is totally normal - it's up to helpers to say what they are willing to do, and set limits.

Good luck :)

I have never heard of being "invited" to a funeral. It isn't something you get an invitation to, it's just something you go and show your respect.

Go to the funeral. Let go of all previous feelings of weirdness/awkwardness and just go. I don't think I have ever been formally invited to a funeral. People hear about funerals by word of mouth, Facebook , newspaper announcements etc. I think only really close family and friends are privy to funeral details by the immediate family. Other than that, it is by word of mouth to get the info out to the masses.

Pay your final respects or it may turn into a regret that you won't be able to shake for the rest of your life.

You are an angel to have helped this dear woman at a very difficult time.

Most funerals do not have formal invitations. It is typical for an announcement to be in the local paper or, thanks to modern technology, on the website of the funeral home.

Unless you know that the funeral is private/closed, there shouldn't be any problem with attending.

I'm not sure I've heard of an "invitation" to a funeral... Isn't the information usually given online now or by the funeral home or in the newspaper with the announcement? People who just lost someone can't be expected to send invitations like to a wedding. But fortunately I don't have a lot of experience with funerals. If I'm right though, I don't think lack of an invitation should stop you. Going to a service quietly and paying respects always seems appropriate unless there is some kind of feud that would make it uncomfortable for the immediate family. The husband may not be a fan of yours though if you completely stopped helping. From their pov, you went from being an involved friend to zero? That's what it sounds like. You may have been being taken advantage of but maybe just limiting what you did versus cutting off completely would have been better. That's done now but again from the husband's pov, you kind of abandoned them. That never generates good feelings. So likely I would go to the service but remain in the background.

Yes definitely go. Pay your final respects like I want to do. I think that's perfectly fine. Don't put anymore thought to an invite.....just go so you can look back and have no regrets .

Pay your final respects. It's probably very difficult for her husband at this time, and if he wasn't very social in the past, he will be far less now that his wife has passed. Most men do not ask for help in this situation. Especially when they are surrounded by their family. I'm not sure what you are expecting from them considering you cut it off.

Let them be, and just pay your respects. By a note, attending the funeral( if public), or baking something.

Gosh, maybe I've been lacking in manners but when funerals are in the paper that's an open announcement to whom ever wants to attend.

I have never in my life and attending funerals since I was 2 had a personal invitation to come to anyone's funeral.

N.

I've never had an invitation to a funeral. It's been "open". So I am not sure what you are waiting for.

Go and pay your final respects. This is for YOU really - she's already dead.

Let go of the past. Don't hold it against them. Some people do NOT realize when they have crossed the line. You've learned from it. Don't make more out of it. Let it go. Go pay your respects and let it go.

Go.

I think with funerals a mass statement is made and you go or don't, but it's not like they order personalized invitations to send out.

I would go, pay my respects, and say my farewells. I would not expect friendly greetings (at any funeral) and would not stay longer than the services, but I would go.