Neighborhood Kid Passed Away - No Obituary / No Nothing

The poor woman might be too stunned to function.
Or she might not believe in funerals and/or obits and feels that this is a personal tragedy, it's no one else s business but her own and doesn't want to share her grief publicly.
I can't help but think that any 7 yr old deserves more life but a funeral isn't going to give that to him - and it's wrong to assume that not having one is about money or that anyone else would/should pay for it.
You are all feeling the the loss and want to express it - so go plant a tree in his name.
Nothing prevents you from quietly celebrating his life - but don't go stepping on his mothers toes while doing it.

There are no laws stating that someone needs to place an obituary ad (my family didn't have one when my Aunt died). Nor is there a law about having a funeral, vigil or anything else. They could have had a simple gathering of the immediate family.

You don't know these people or what their beliefs are. It could very well be that the parents are just consumed by grief.

My son passed away and we did not put an obituary in the paper. I hate to think some people may have judged me for this decision.

You say you think the child was great and deserves more than "what you are seeing". Funerals are for the living and I believe he does not have any worries left in this world. Perhaps the mom is suicidal, perhaps she is in complete denial, who knows but I would defineltly error on the side of showing compassion and giving her the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like she did something right to raise such a great kid or at least loved him enough to let the aunt raise him if she was incapable.

What a tragedy. I guess I would be very very careful about believing the worst here. The definition of a "proper funeral" is one which comforts the family. There is no requirement that it be public or that an obituary be published. We often see notices that say "funeral services will be private and at the convenience of the family" which means that the family would not be comforted by a big turnout. Some things are just so difficult to talk about. If this boy did not live with his mother, she may be struggling even more than any other parent would be (which is unspeakably painful) and just unable to face the questions, even the comments, for fear of judgment. Organizing a fundraiser is probably way beyond anyone's ability in the depths of grief - I know I wouldn't be able to do that if something happened to my son.

I'm not sure where you son gets the idea that "she didn't care about him" - how old is your son? What's his info source? How mature is he and how able is he to understand the nuances of complicated family issues. These rumors throughout the neighborhood are so painful - they make it even more impossible for the mother to reach out for help. I'm sure she can see the way people look at her.

Maybe she DID have a funeral and it just wasn't publicized - maybe she didn't have the money for a paid obituary. Maybe she couldn't face the cards coming in (which she would feel obligated to answer), maybe she couldn't face the reality of the terrible loss, maybe she doesn't have family support. Maybe she is in the depths of depression and cannot answer calls from the aunt. Of course the aunt is understandably upset too but she was not the mother. We have no idea why the child was not living with his mother at the time of his death - but often parents who are not able to care for their kids feel unspeakable grief and guilt if something happens when someone else should have been watching.

I don't think the funeral is about what the little boy "deserved" - I think it's about what the family could handle or what they wanted. The funeral is not for the deceased person - it's for the comfort of the immediate family.

I think what I would do is write this mom a note about what a great kid this child was, and how much he will be missed by your son or whoever else in your family was connected to him. I would add that you've been thinking of her since the loss of her son and you wanted to reach out in support and friendship to help sustain her. I would put it on a little casserole or baked item in a disposable container and in a small cooler, perhaps an inexpensive foam one that clearly did not require her to return it. I would reach out to her with compassion and let her know that there's at least one person in this neighborhood - you - who isn't sitting in judgment of her or her actions, and say that you respect her privacy but wanted to reach out.

Funerals are for the comfort and closure of the living, and the family may not appreciate the show and publicity of what you are asking for. I always find it odd when people criticize how others manage the grief of a loved one. Obituaries can be fodder for the nosey if they are demanded by outsiders. Sure the life of any person deserves to be celebrated, especially that of a child. But don't assume just because there isn't a public show that his life hasn't been celebrated appropriately. God forbid I ever find myself in that mother's shoes, because if I did, I don't know that I could survive the public scrutiny and demands for a show.

I'll keep this short as I would only be reiterating what most sensitive posters have already replied.

Earlier this year one of our son's friends and former classmates had a tragic fall from a tree. She suffered life-threatening injuries, never regained consciousness (which was a blessing) and died. This was an incredible shock to our community as the girl was a bright star in this world and her family, well-- everyone who knew them spoke well of them.

It took quite a long time for the family to post an obituary and funeral information. They have their own families close and a good support network and were still just stunned. What was worse was the speculation between the kids as to what had happened as the 'why' information of the fall hadn't been shared. It was much later that I learned she'd fallen onto concrete; who knows what the circumstances were up until that point.

The school decided to honor the child by making a memorial bulletin board, collecting up letters from families, and one parent started a GoFundMe account for donations as the family obviously had incredible hospital and funeral expenses as well as the lost work time. These were tangible ways we were able to help the family without overwhelming them with personal contact.

So, all that to say-- there's plenty you and your community can do if you choose to.

Please member that a funeral (memorial, vigil, celebration of life) is not for the deceased, it is for those left behind. I would suggest that you and your family do what you need to in order to grieve (in private), but leave the family to handle their loss the way they see fit.

Based on what you wrote, the mother hasn't done anything wrong. It may not be what you'd do in a similar situation, but it is neither your choice nor your business.

Obits in printed papers are largely to inform people of the death. If the people needing to be informed are not local then there isn't a real need to publish one.

I'm not a funeral kind of person. I like to grieve privately, so I'm really not sure if I'd have a funeral if one of my kids died. I do know that I wouldn't be keeping the neighbors informed or inviting them to it. We're all friendly, but not friends. I would be really upset about an organized vigil. My child's death is not an occasion for neighborhood grandstanding.

The boy's aunt needs to stop spreading gossip about the mother, and you need to make sure that her comments end with you. You should not be discussing it with anyone else, including your own child.

Who knows what is happening behind those closed doors? I think if I lost a child so tragically I very well might completely shut down and withdraw, but I have lots of people who would step in and help out, and maybe this mom doesn't.
I get that you're curious but really I wouldn't spend too much time speculating about it. If you really care then pick up the phone, or send a card, reach out to the woman, offer your sincere sympathy and ask if there is anything you can do for her.
As far as there being nothing in the news about it, don't be so surprised. People die in all kinds of accidents every day, young and old. The only ones that make the local news are the more sensational ones, the ones with extra drama or tragedy. Sadly a child drowning is somewhat common :-(

I think it's impossible to judge the grief of another person, especially a mother who was, for whatever reason, already separated from her child. I'm sure that none of us can imagine what she's feeling.

If I were you and felt moved to do something, I would ask the Aunt if it would be OK to have some kind of memorial/remembrance for this boy that his neighbors, friends, and schoolmates could attend. Perhaps everyone could gather at a park to share some memories and release balloons or something. Of course one would assume that the aunt would consult the mother and see if she wants to be there or objects or something, but this would be a way for the community to grieve and remember even if the mother is not in a position to go through the normal routine herself.

My best friend died when she was 21. I will never forget her mother's grief. She was literally unable to function. She was divorced and had two younger children to care for and really had it not been her best friends moving into her house and setting up camp for those first couple of weeks, she would have been in bed with the shades drawn and lights out, zonked on a sedative. Her friends made her go through with the wake and funeral, and eat, and sleep, and spend time with her other kids, and go through the motions of daily living until she was able to function again.

It sounds like this mom has issues to begin with and perhaps lacks the capacity or support network to deal with this tremendous loss in the way that society expects. Encourage the aunt to organize some way for this boy's friends and their families to honor his memory.

I'm sorry, but your entire post heaps judgment on this mom. Your SWH says that you aren't judging her. But you are.

You have no idea what is going on with this mom. You can't begin to understand.

At some point there will be an obit because it needs to be recorded in a public way. That doesn't have to be in the newspaper. The funeral home will have taken care of it.

Your son does not know if that mother cared for her son or not. What a terrible thing for the neighborhood to be talking about at such a time. Would a big funeral with her grieving in public make everyone feel better? If so, shame on the entire neighborhood.

If indeed she wasn't paying as much attention as she needed to, her grief and despair must be compounded. For all you know, she could be close to depression deep enough for her to want to drown herself.

A basic funeral around here is $6000.00 not including viewings or a church service. Add in $760 for the burial plot, what you want to put in the paper and what papers you want it put in (they don't do it for free), and it adds up quite a bit. And that's just the financials. There's the planning of everything, deciding what flowers you want, what clothes you want your loved one to be put in, open casket or closed, speakers, minister, songs, flowers for the top,prayers cards, etc. Its a lot of stuff. If someone is truly grieving they may not be able to do all that. When my father died my mother couldn't have done all that on her own.

Was this child a friend of your child or is this some story in the paper that you've become obsessed with. If he was a true friend then stop spreading gossip about reasons why this hasn't been done as you think it should have been, His mother is either grieving and can't cope or not grieving and has moved on from this. Either way it was her child and its all up to her to decide what happens next.

Talk to his school about planting a tree in his honor. Or see about having a park bench installed in his honor. There are ways to honor him that you can do without including the family. Personally as a parent myself I don't know how you even begin to process the sudden death of a child. I don't think I would cope well.

Please be sure your own son does not pick up on what appears to be your own feelings about this mother. You can't wrap your head around not having a funeral that you and the neighborhood could attend -- but that's the family's call, not the neighborhood's. You seem to feel it's wrong that there was no newspaper obituary -- but again, not the neighborhood's call. No one here, no one, knows how the mom felt about her son or the details of their relationship. Please tell your son not to talk to other kids about this mom not caring about her son. Teach your son the graciousness of giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming the worst of people solely because they don't do what others consider traditional or "proper" or what was "deserved." The family may have different religious traditions; the mom may be so devastated that she's unable to function; or she may be so devastated she is medicated. There may have been a service already in some other location that she calls home that is not your area. There may have been no funeral at all -- it's not required. You have no way to know.

I'm sorry the aunt is frustrated, but if the mom isn't answering calls, the aunt could try tracking her down in person. Maybe she has already? If a person who had lost a child in a sudden, horrid accident wasn't returning calls, I would be crazy with worry that the person might have harmed herself, or disappeared somewhere alone to clear her head, etc.

Rumors like these quickly become deeply hurtful, and can unfairly tarnish opinions about people who are not present to participate. It's fine to 'wonder' about another person's manners, behavior, or choices that differ from our own, but until we actually ask that person, there's no way to know what's going on with them.

Speculation is unpleasantly popular in the media, but other than to give us a starting point for finding out a more complete truth, especially in a complicated situation like you describe, it's not useful and quickly devolves into gossip and possibly faulty judgments. We'd be a more compassionate species if we did less of that, and I'd talk to my children if they were participating in the murmuring. How would your son feel if neighbors were talking about him in a similar tone? We don't often question our own thought processes.

I think if I were in your position, caring as you do about this boy, I'd take a sympathy card, and a casserole or some flowers, to the aunt, ask how I could help, and leave it at that until another helpful step forward becomes clear. (You may have done this already.) The mother could be anything, perhaps a woman unable to connect with her own child for psychological reasons. Or she could be deeply grieving and unable or unwilling to face well-meaning strangers. I believe I'd be in that group. And as far as raising money, that would be up to caring friends to organize. I would personally be far too uncomfortable to set that up for anyone in my immediate family. I think lots of people would find that inappropriate.

If you feel the boy's memory "deserves more," you and other caring neighbors are free to hold a less-formal memorial of your own. This might be helpful to the children in the neighborhood or school who knew this boy. I'm sending up a prayer for all concerned. Kindness!

I'm sorry but a funeral is for the living. So his mother didn't put an obituary in the paper. Perhaps she doesn't feel like advertising her grief. Perhaps she did something alone bc she couldn't face a big group. Perhaps she is horrible and did nothing. You have no idea and it's really not your concern given she is or was not your friend. Have a private memorial service if you would like. I can see taking my children somewhere to say a prayer. But to question her seems ridiculous and pointless.

ETA after your update: the football is a beautiful idea. But I think it belongs with the mother, not the aunt. Who knows the struggles this woman faces? What a comfort that football & your note would be to her.
You don't know her & feel uncomfortable reaching out more than mailing a note. Sometimes you really have to push past what immediately feels "comfortable" to do the right thing, you know? You only met the mom once, but it's not impossible to call her up, tell her you'll be dropping off dinner and dessert on Friday night, show up and give her your items as well. Human interaction is what builds strength, character and caring.
Seriously, if you lost a child, what would you prefer?

Well, this really isn't about you.
There are about 3 million "proper" ways to grieve.
O. common denominator is to reach out to a grieving family to show that you DO care. That can look like a million things: a meal, a big batch if cookies, a heartfelt note or handwritten card detailing how this boy touched YOUR lives and an expression of gratitude that he has.
Grief should be responded to with love, care and respect. Not judgement.
You should be expressing gratitude for this boys life to his family, not dissing the family for not doing what YOU PERCIEVE as correct.
Why can't you take a collection among classmates, neighbors and community? Why can't you reach out directly to his family with food, money, help or sympathy? Sounds like you have a lot of respect for this kid...take it upon yourself to show that.

A lot of great and wonderful people are buried without a full funeral or memorial service. That doesn't diminish who they were.

What I don't understand listening to your grousing here is why aren't you planning a memorial service? The only requirement for planning a memorial service is that you knew the person.

So instead of questioning this mom, talk to those that knew the child and plan a memorial service.

Maybe it is me, but I feel like many of the people responding to this didn't read the same question I read. It sounds more to me, like you are looking for a way for you and your children to acknowledge this child's passing, and without the "normal" social rituals you are at a loss as to how to do that. I would suggest if the family is not doing it - and their reasons are their own - you and your children can still have a small memorial together. Or you can have him prayed for at the church of your choosing, or you can have a day where you and your children do charity work in his name. You can also write out the things about him and give it to his mother, this might make you and your kids feel better. This is a loss for you and your children and you can grieve it in a manner that is meaningful for you.

ETA: Glad you know exactly how you would handle your childs death. Now please respect this family and stop thinking about how wrong they are handling their childs death, geez.

Original:
Outside of my 4 kids & husband, my only immediate family is 1 sister and her 2 children (no parents, no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins). If there was a tragic accident, I'm sure I wouldn't think about writing up an obituary. I doubt I would emotionally even be able to handle putting together a funeral. Basically, I don't have a support system and hope to God people would pray for me instead of judge me about why I didn't do what they would do.

Your line, "if the mom didn't have the money for a PROPER funeral,I'm sure the swimming place would have paid for it", just shows how judgmental your post is. Basically, keep your nose out of this families business OR go to them and offer your help but respect their decisions.

If one of my children died, I would just have a private graveside service with no one else invited but my immediate family.

I suspect the reason your post is being interpreted by some as judgmental is because of your last sentence containing "deserves more than what we're seeing." I suspect the mom doesn't care what others need to feel closure. If you feel like you need to do something, then make a donation in his name, send the family a card, etc

My mother in law committed suicide in March. She specifically requested no funeral or memorial service in her letter. I am sure her co-workers and friends thought we were heartless for not having anything (we also didn't share her cause of death with them).

Hope this helps.

Everyone grieves differently. Maybe this or what if that, but unless the cops are investigating, I would ask the aunt what she, as a family member, would like others to do to remember her nephew. Donate to a charity in his name, perhaps. Death is hard. We just attended a memorial for someone who died earlier this summer - someone so very well loved and her husband is heartbroken. He's come around after a few months but part of him just wants to clean house. He's selling the home, moving an hour away, rehoming the cats, even. And I cannot fault him or judge him for any of it. He needs what he needs after losing the love of his life. It's not about me. And, frankly, after an accident, there may be some self-blame going on. I've seen that, too. Or anger at the swim center.

But when people have died and I've needed closure I did not get through other means, I have felt better after an act of kindness or a donation that the person would appreciate.

Losing a child is...unfathomable. I still see the sadness in my SIL's eyes, 20 years on. For whatever reason, she's not handling it in a way that people would expect and I wouldn't look to her for personal closure. I like the idea of the football and if the mom can't receive it yet, then pass it to the aunt to give to her. Or to generically give to the family.

FWIW, if I do not see something particular about services in the paper, I assume that the burial and funeral were private. Some people take comfort in large gatherings and some do not.

People handle grief so differently. She may not want to do anything public for many reasons. It may be hard to understand her grieving but it is a private thing.

You can only control what actions you do or don't take. I would send a card with a heartfelt note about her son and have your son help with the message. It will also teach him about sympathy for others in a time of loss.

I would have been surprised, as you were, not to see any memorial done for a child. But it's not our child and not our grief.

Funerals are extremely expensive....... unless the swimming place was "at fault", there is not really a reason they would pay for it. Preparation of the body for a funeral, or even a cremation can cost several thousand dollars by itself.

Obituaries are expensive, also. Yes, a notice of the death would be nice, but not everyone feels a need to announce their grief so publicly.

When my niece passed away after a long illness, it was at least a month before my sister had the service. (My niece was 30 at the time.) My sister had her daughter cremated, and chose a time for the memorial service at a later date, so it would be easier for people to attend. (Most people in the family lived several states away.)

Everyone grieves in a different manner, however, I can understand the Aunt being upset or frustrated.... I'm sure he was like a son to her. Perhaps she can set up a private memorial service with her own religious counselor as her own closure? Some people prefer to grieve privately. And yes, funerals are for the living... however, it is a nice way to give acclaim to a person's life, however short.

She is probably into a deep depression and thinking how she is going to survive each day. So, don't worry about the other traditional stuff. Instead,send her a check to help her pay for the basic stuff you need to pay when you need to bury someone. Just for example, I just paid for my burial plot 1500 dollars, plus they say it would be 700 dollars more for the digging!!!!!! in conclucion, this mother has more things to worry about now that those things you mentioned. And that is totally fine.

Diane B., what wonderful words of reason. You hit the nail on the head. Usually, I do not read long replies, but your reply is spot on.

As for asking the aunt to organize a memorial--DO NOT. Already the mother feels the aunt overstepped some boundary that only they know of. (I sent JB a flower before I read the encouragement about having Aunt do a memorial).

Do what Diane said. Leave the casserole and note with your email and telephone number with the MOTHER. She will contact you in her time and maybe you can help her organize something if she so desires, but I think that she will not feel comfortable as she does not know you.

In the meantime, have your son read Diane B.'s comment and to not share his words to you with anyone else.

They may have had a service just for immediate family. I can't imagine having to accept the condolences of hundreds of people just after losing my child, personally. The grief this mother must be feeling... I can't even guess. I'm sure it's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, knowing her sweet boy is gone. Now take that feeling and imagine having to accept hugs and shake hands with people who probably barely knew him. Why should she have to do that to make everyone else feel better? It is her right to grieve in private, if that's what she needs to do. You could ask the Aunt if she feels it would be appropriate/helpful to send a condolence card, or to make a donation to a charity in the name of this child. That would be a nice way to remember his life in a meaningful way.

As a grandparent raising grandchildren I can tell you that there are parents who don't care a rats hiney for the children they carried in their womb. Some of the stories I've heard from other grandparents makes me really appreciate and forgive my daughter for the mistakes she's made because they haven't been horrible like some of these other parents.

I'd visit with the aunt and ask her if she had guardianship. If so then she has ever right, legally and morally, to hold a funeral/memorial for this child. If she didn't have guardianship of the child then she could try and visit with the mom and mention the kids he went to school with are really struggling with this and that the aunt would like to provide the kids with a service to remember their friend.

The school could also do a morning assembly where they talk about what happened at the pool, it could be a closure sort of assembly.

The kids are talking about this, they are dealing with grief on their own, they are talking and tales get out of hand. They can't go through this without some sort of guidance and getting the real story, such as he was living with his aunt because....mom worked 18 hour days trying to get enough money so she could have a home....mom was addicted to drugs and didn't have a home...mom was in rehab and he couldn't go...something simple that explained to the kids why it appears this boys mom didn't love and care for him. The kids are having discussions about this and it is scary for them to know parents can just stop caring for their kids.

I'd suggest visiting with the aunt. To see what she wants to do. She was caring for him and is mourning him. She may want to forget all about it and she may want to have a small local get together at her church, if she went, or at a local park, youth center, someplace the boy especially liked, etc...it doesn't have to be a funeral type activity, it can be a celebration of his life too.

I think it would be best for you to mind your own business and I say that out of kindness. Your son can take the football to the mom or even leave it on her doorstep with a kind note. If you want to do something for her, invite her to coffee. By chatting you might be able to get an idea if she needs help with anything- exercise buddy, a meal, lawn help, etc. Small acts of kindness are ok but trying to get involved with the heavier stuff is just not your business.

The parents aren't required to hold a service or publish an obituary in the paper. Everyone grieves differently, and perhaps they prefer to do so privately.

umm, you cant wrap your head around this situation because the childs mom is a "mother", not a "mom" . hopefully, she only had one child. dont bother to try to talk to her about her son, she might have already forgotten about it.harsh, but, "mothers" arent exactly sentimental creatures to begin with.instead, consider holding a vigil for the child yourself, not for the childs "mother", if the childs aunt cared for the child..ie his "mom", then talk to her about holding a vigil for her nephew. dont give money to the childs "mother" for funeral expenses,because the money probably wont go toward paying for her childs funeral.consider teaching a swim class/vigil for the drowned child. that way, the attention is on the childs death by accidental downing, not on the "mother" who didnt care about the child to begin with. K. h.