Should I Be Concerned About Husband?

I don't know why he did it in the first place, but it's a good thing he doesn't plan to see her again.

Yes, you have a right to be concerned. Yes, based on that "overboard" comment, I believe she is interested in him.

Maybe he did it because he was being nice. Let it go, as long as it stops.

I would take his word since you both seem to have a very solid relationship. However, you must sit him down and have a chat with him and let him know how you feel and that he has stepped over the boundary of appropriate behavior. That if she asks him for a favor, he should either decline or say, let me ask my wife. There is nothing wrong with helping out a coworker who is new to the area - male or female. But, perhaps he should bring you along. If all is innocent, you might actually like her!

Have that talk, lay down the law and move forward.

My husband is the nice guy who helps whomever might need it as well.

But he is completely transparent about it.

That's what you need to ask of him. That he be completely transparent. It's as simple as "Jane told me that her _______ was broken/making a funny noise. Do you mind if I drop by and have a look?"

It's not about asking permission, it's about being courteous of your spouse's needs and feelings. A few weeks ago, I went to a church meeting. My husband wasn't feeling too great, so he stayed home. One of the guys at church actually walked about 5 miles to get there because his car was broken down. I offered him a ride back home, and then before leaving the church to take him home, I called my husband (in front of the gentleman) to let him know where I would be and who I was with.

I didn't do it because my husband is a control freak...I did it because I love him and respect his role in my life. He appreciated that.

So...bottom line: Ask that your husband simply be transparent with you. He's not doing anything wrong, so he shouldn't feel like he has anything to hide. And do express your appreciation for his transparency.

Best!
♥
C. Lee

I think a lot of nice guys have a tendancy to innocently get themselves into situations that look incriminating but are absolutely not. I think your personal sense of confidence is shaken by the health problems of recent years and the other stressors about your own job. It seems to me that you're doubting your self-worth and contributions to your family, and are turning that low sense of self-esteem into doubting the strength of your marriage.
Your husband was trying to help someone who needed assistance and probably didn't realize how inappropriate it appeared until you pointed it out. Now he is trying to make it right by agreeing with you and assuring you he won't repeat this behavior. Let him do the right thing without constantly doubting his intentions.
I don't know if the coworker has a husband or not but there's a good chance she has an eye on your husband. If you and he present a united front there will be no opportunity for her to take advantage of his niceness. What you do NOT want is to badger him into feeling like he wants to confide in someone else about your marriage. Because guess who will be right there with a listeing ear? That's right--the coworker.
Work on being a loving and supportive spouse. Your husband didn't do anything wrong and you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
Best of luck.

Some crazy high percentage, like 84%, of all affairs are with a co-worker. So I agree that he is playing with fire and you need to put a stop to it. I would talk to him and make it very clear that he can't see/talk to her after work hours and no lunches together, even if someone else is with them. Lay it on the line and be honest with him of what is at stake. JMO but I think you are right to be concerned about this. I hope you guys work it out. Good luck.

"he realizes it was inappropriate" So why are you asking why he did it in the first place when it seems clear he saw it as innocent at the time.

He didn't start seeing it from your point of view until you pointed it out, he then stopped. I don't see what more he can do.

I assume when you read the text you took the what the heck is this and yeah, he lied because he didn't want to upset you more. Fact is, reading that, I see it as she wanted to give him a thank you gift for helping her out and wasn't going to go overboard. Nothing else really fits.

If he was helping her fix stuff at her house I don't see how he could have done it without going to her house.

Sorry but I am not getting where you are coming from beyond you have been through a lot and it is coloring your perception. My husband helps coworkers out all the time and if they were female he would help them too. He is busy as hell, works 60 to 70 hour weeks. He will always take time out to help people because he figures when he is in a bind they will help him too.

Don't get mad AT him, get protective OF him. Some men are too nice and are clueless. It sounds like he is one of them. People "click" and become comfortable, even with the opposite sex. That can happen innocently, and then a minor shift makes one or both realize that it's time to step back or freeze things at an appropriate level. It sounds like that is what your hubby did.

Couples therapy may help both of you find a place to cope with the stresses you've been under. Other relationships "outside" seem "stress-free" or easier to handle. Finding a safe way for each of you to have a "breather" might help this not happen. He was smart enough to catch himself. Now congratulate him on that and find a way for each of you to detox - maybe church has counseling, or work since you have the medical issue perhaps there is something he can get from that direction.

Best of luck and I hope you feel better!

Men are wired differently. What is OBVIOUSLY very inappropriate to us is not obvious to them. You've talked about it and you say that he now understands. If everything else is solid than I think you need to leave the past in the past and continue to move forward. If you feel there are still issues than you need to work through them, with a professional if necessary. Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open with him.

Honestly - even if NOTHING is going on - it would not take much for the subordinate to charge him with sexual harassment.
She might be a nice friendly person, but when it comes to business - these things can turn pretty ugly and it could really affect his job in such a bad way.
He needs to think about protecting his career.

I would be a bit leery...I am sorry.

There may be absolutely nothing going on...some guys are super duper nice and clueless as to how behavior could be perceived by their wife...or the woman they are "rescuing".

But going to her house 3 times without telling you is strange. Deleting a text. Going out to lunch. He feels obligated to help someone that should merely be a business associate.You are going through a rough patch with finances and a chronic disease...this all sounds too familiar to me in my personal life.

My dad started off helping my mom's best friend that lived next door to us. He began to get a real sense of chivalry "rescuing" this single mom that needed some simple house repair help.

Well...then they got really close emotionally. She listened to him, comforted him, and stroked his ego. My mom was sick and in and out of the hospital and they were having financial problems in the recession in the mid- late 80's...along with the stresses of raising 4 kids.

This woman was a nice woman. My dad was a nice man. They happened to fill a void in each other's lives and escaped life together. Then their emotional relationship turned physical...and it brought them even closer together. Soooo, ditch the family/ailing wife and go to where you feel appreciated and doted on.

I am not telling you this because I believe it is happening...it just sounds all to familiar to me. Especially all the excuses he is making for the behavior. My mom was all along having strange feelings. But if she brought it up my dad always had an excuse, or made my mom look like the "bad guy" for even insinuating inappropriate actions.

Your last paragraph speaks volumes. Your husband should have VERY LITTLE extra time after work to be spending it helping this woman. You need him..your family needs him. He can find guy buddies to hang out with. He can give this woman the name of a handy man to help her around the house.

I don't have suggestions of where to go from here. My intent was to help you not feel crazy for the feelings you have.

Good luck and best wishes!!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE what Sara G wrote. It's exactly what I was thinking. Unless he proves otherwise, he's still your wonderful loving and trustworthy husband. (now go read what Sara wrote again and pretend I wrote all of that - cause I sincerely believe it)

Is he generally one of the "nice" guys? If so, he was just following his natural innocent tendencies. The problem comes in that he was a little obtuse about appearances.

My husband IS one of those nice guys. He'd do just about anything for anybody. If he can help, he will. That is just his way. (and yes, he does things around the house to help me all the time--laundry, cooking, yardwork, etc). He will even go pick up a friend's grandchild and bring him back to our house (25 minute drive one way) to babysit the kid, to help out. (Single mom, living with her parents--who are good friends of ours, and parents out of town, so we watched the grandkid for the mom while grandma was gone). He sees someone in need, and feels like he should offer to help if he can.

BUT, my husband would not do these things without mentioning them to me. He would not go meet a single lady outside of work without it being talked about first. For ANY reason. The same friend's daughter called his cell phone once b/c she had been in a car accident (and couldn't reach her parents---she thought she had MY number in her phone) and asked if someone could pick her up. She was a mess. And he was going to go get her (but her Dad happened to drive by the scene and saw her and got her instead--he turns his phone off unless he is going to call someone, lol). But my husband called me before he was going to go. He was going to take me with him if I was available.

He has gone to a female friend from work's home before, to pick up used packing boxes for our move. He took our daughter with him. He just doesn't expose himself to anything that might give the appearance of untowardness.

That is where the problem comes to a head. He must be totally oblivious to appearances to have done this. If he is not generally totally oblivious, then he may very well be hiding something. Even if nothing at all actually happened, he may have been indulging in some flirtation that could eventually enmesh him in something much more, on a subconscious level.

If he now does see the problem with what he was doing, and is sincerely had a "duh" moment, then I can see just letting it go. But if he normally would be out in front of an issue like this (unprofessional, inappropriateness, etc), then I would be more wary. Still doesn't mean he did anything. But he may have subconsciously been giving himself an opening...

You're feelings are hurt, and you need to tell him how it makes you feel. There's nothing wrong with a nice guy who wants to help others, but there is no reason for your husband to be in the home of a single woman during work hours. Tell him it should never happen again. If she needs a handy man, or someone to move something large, it can be done after work. He can take you along to meet her yourself, flash her your smile and be very kind to her. It may cause her distance herself. Unfortunately, there are women who do not care if a man is married or not. Deleting texts that are "harmless" is the first clue. Your husband should not be receiving texts from other women. She can approach him at work if she has something to say. Nip this before its gone too far!

My husband is a helper, and very handy. The difference between your husband and mine, is my husband would never keep it secret. He would never delete something. Honestly, he would decline helping a female, because of the image it can create. He knows he isn't cheating, but he wouldn't want him job to think he is. There should ALWAYS be a line, in the workplace. That line should be drawn, outside of other employees. Lunch as a group? Sure. Other people being with him? Whatever. When a man (or vice versa) starts making house calls alone, he is asking for professional...and sometimes...personal trouble.

He really needs to stop this, because it could damage his job. He is probably honest and just didn't think. The fact that he did it more then once, does not mean that he had an affair. It COULD mean (and it's up to him to be honest) he liked the attention, or she did. You'd really have to ask him honestly to know that. I can't get past that he was pretty secretive about it. THAT really bothers me, as honesty is usually transparent. I do think you guys need to have a heart to heart, that hopefully just proves he wasn't thinking.

If this is something you can't shake, perhaps you could look into counseling. With all you've both been through in recent times, it might be overdue.

My husband is a lend-a-hand kind of guy and if a coworker, male or female, said, "I need some help with something at my house" -- especially if the person had just moved, was new to the area, maybe didn't know other folks to ask -- he likely would want to help.

The big difference: He would tell me about it in advance. One, he'd just tell me, like he tells me other stuff. Two, he'd have to ask me -- not in the sense of needing any permission, but to check our schedules; see if I needed him to pick up our daughter somewhere or whatever. No big deal.

So your husband may truly have been helping out a coworker who told him "I need help but don't really know anyone... haven't done this before..." etc. But the part to worry about is the fact he did it three times and did not tell you until after the THIRD time. And you found out, as you say yourself, "by coincidence," which indicates to me he would not have told you at all had you not found out another way.

And that all adds up to this: He knew that telling you, "I'm going to Janie's at lunchtime tomorrow to look at this sink that's acting up" either would upset you or set off jealousy.

There are a couple of possible reasons behind it. One could be that he really was just innocently helping her out but still felt guilty about it. The other could be that he was afraid of your reaction. Is it possible that you've given him reason to hide things like this because in the past you've exhibited jealousies over innocent things? That would make him clam up (which makes things worse, I agree, but comes from a place of fear of your reaction, not from any real guilt that he's done wrong.)

Reread your own post: "Our marriage has remained pretty solid, but I just can't seem to shake the feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal." Do you see the contradiction there? You cannot have a solid marriage if there are unshakeable "feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal." Do you have any real ground for those feelings -- in other words has he actually cheated? Maybe, maybe not. But they are your feelings to own, and whether they stem from some real guilt on his part, or from oversensitivity and jealousy on your part, you and he need to work this out.

See a professional. You cannot claim a solid marriage when you simultaneously say you feel hurt and betrayed. Get a third party to help him articulate why he did not tell you about these visits and to help you understand what's going on with him and with yourself.

Your medical issues may be clouding your judgment here too. He may have feared that upsetting you by telling you he was helping this woman would make your health worse. You may be super-sensitive due to your illness -- you mention that you had to give up your career; could that loss be making it tougher on you to hear about his workplace friendships, successes, etc.?

I am not trying to be hard on you -- just saying that there is a lot more going on here than just a simple "He didn't tell me" situaition; there is the WHY behind his omission and you have serious illness in the mix.

You asked for suggestions. Mine is to see a couples counselor as soon as you can. Please be open to the idea that maybe your feelings about your illness factor into this and make you feel more insecure about any interactions he has with other women. He absolutely should not have gone to her home to help her without telling you, but his hiding it and your reactions and your condition -- all need to be untangled with help from an outsider who isn't caught up in emotions.

You are really between a rock and a hard place. Too much pushing and you risk pushing him into her arms. Not enough and he'll just keep doing this.

If he's lying to you and they are in the middle of an emotional or physical affair, he is giving you lip service only and nothing you do short of calling her on the carpet will change anything. If he's telling the truth, then you have to trust that he will keep a real arms length between them now.

I don't know enough about your disease/disability to know how much stress it puts him under (other than financially). Sometimes a stressful marriage sends someone to an "oasis". I have to wonder if that's what happened with your husband.

One thing that he needs to remember is that if she actually thinks that there is a chance for them personally, if he has let ANYTHING happen physically to get that impression, she could end up suing the company for sexual harassment, and he would lose his job.

Dawn

People don't realize how damaging this behavior can be. You must be feeling betrayed, I'm sorry :(

Listen, you were shaken. Time & reassurance will get you through this. You are understandably going to need to heal from this. Don't withdraw from your husband, let him know how you are feeling and what you need from him to help you get through this. I am CONFIDENT that when he sees this need in you, he will do everything in his power to fill it.

How is it that you found out by coincidence (him going over to her home)? And how dd you see the text msg?? We're you on his phone? Perhaps a gut feeling to check his phone and then you read that text? I am sorry I don't want to plant seeds, the rest of the ladies seem to be very trusting in their marriage perhaps I'm just screwed up in mine but I would not trust him. I don't believe he has any business going over to another woman's home without discussing it with me (his wife) sure he would not like if I went over to a co-workers home to "help" him out without consulting it first. Is she younger?? Single?? And another thing you also mentioned he has gone out to lunch with her but felt awkward going alone, so he invited a third person. If she has never approached him as a potential adventure then why did he feel the need to invite a third? I don't mean to make you feel worse than you do I know first hand how it is to be in your position, and even worse cheated on and it's painful and unfair. I wish you the best and I hope it is just an innocent act of kindness. My mom uses this phrase a lot "don't do something good that appears to be bad" in Spanish it makes more sense to me " no agas cosas buenas que pares kan malas".

I'm angry and he's not my husband. The problem is the willingness of the other female co-worker to engage your husband, a married man, in her life, outside of the work place. You know exactly what she's thinking-so, that said, you need to have a conversation with her-and the sooner the better. Good luck-I hope you nip it in the bud before she "works her magic." Don't be shocked when she acts bewildered, as if you're nuts and she is doing nothing wrong. I want to puke because I know what she is going to say and how she is going to justify what she is doing-don't fall for it and don't back down.

Oh honey,

I was in almost your exact position a couple of years ago. The only difference is my husband did not see her outside of work. And I trusted him completely, never doubted his fidelity once. How foolish I was. We were married for 16 years and in the end, he chose to be with her, not me. I call her his midlife crisis. Young girl, middle aged man, blah blah blah. I also have physical issues and actually spent most of 2012 battling breast cancer.

Now I'm alone, he's living with her, our home is up for sale, I am trying to find someplace to live, etc.

Bottom line is if he wants to stray, he will. Not much you can do to stop him. You just have to hope your marriage is strong enough, I guess mine wasn't.

She is absolutely going after him, I don't care what he is saying. He is telling you what he thinks you want/need to hear. Relationships like these happen or start out very innocently. But beware, feelings develop over time. I never, ever thought my husband would be such a cliche, but there it is. He was the type of person that wouldn't even call into work sick unless he really was. And then he completely betrayed me. Just beware, I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry. Good luck.

My husband would never do it. I wouldn't see a male co-worker alone at his house either. Just not appropriate. No way. Now how.

You say it's an inappropriate move for him professionally. Probably so. It's also not good for your marriage for him to be spending time alone with her. Marriage is hard enough some days without throwing in unnecessary temptations!

I think it could be a symptom of a deeper problem and that's that you guys may have become disconnected. It happens in many marriages. Is it possible to go on a marriage retreat, and re-kindle that fire?

If you trust him I would try to let go of the anger. In the meantime I'd seek out marital counseling - not to "fix" your marriage but to enhance it.

If you're both truly happy and fulfilled it will be tougher for him to fall prey to the shenanigans of other women. And who knows what is going on with her. I don't like the sound of it but I'd focus on my marriage instead of her.

Good luck - sounds like you've got a good guy. Just get it back on track.

If he's brought another guy from the office because he felt awkward that is a good thing and indicates to me that he's trying to keep an arm's length distance. Sounds to me like she's one of those "needy" people.

I'd keep an eye out but I would not make myself crazy. If he's one of those guys who comes to the rescue of other people - well he's got a wife to come to the rescue of. Make sure he know how much you appreciate him - we all like to feel appreciated. It's been said that women want to be loved, but men want to be respected. Make sure he knows that you respect him for who he is (one of those nice guys who wants to help people and doesn't know how/when to say no). Tell him you respect that he's one of the good guys, that you honor that part of him and that's part of the guy you fell in love with and you're glad he's that way. But that you wonder if he needs help coming up with a ready response when she asks for his help again?

Ask your husband if she's pushing his limits - work-wise. Tell him you're not crazy about her need to have him help her at her house and offer to look up a handyman. Your husband should give her the phone number of the handyman next time she asks and say something like: "you know, I have a honey-do list at home that I really have to work on so you should probably give this guy a call - I've used him for a few things around my house".

Suggest that you go out to dinner with her and a few other people from the office, or if you're up to entertaining have a small office gathering at your house.

There are people who don't respect the institution of marriage and feel like anyone is fair game - regardless. She may be one of these people or she may just be clueless. It may also be her way of establishing "dominence" in the work place among other people at her level - "I've had the boss help me at my house" implies a closer relationship than exists in reality.

Wahtever it is, make sure you're more inviting than her - that you look up to and respect your husband for the man he is and it should be find. You've been through a tough time it seems personally with your health. Its easy to feel down on yourself when even your body seems to turn on you - but it seems to me that you have a nice husband. Thank the Lord for him today. ;o)

Hi! You are in quite a dilemma here. Your hubby has been under a lot of stress, he may or may not have been thinking clearly about going over there. If you trust him about it, then there isn't much to worry about, however it is hard to see someone you love doing something that feels like a betrayal even if it wasn't meant that way. As for his thoughts, he may have just been trying to be a friend, or he may have been drawn in by her feelings and attention. I don't necessarily think it is wrong for opposite sex friends to spend time together. I have a male friend that I used to date, and I would never consider a romantic endeavor with him. And I have no problem talking to him or spending time with him and my boyfriend doesn't either as he knows there is no worry, and despite the fact we both know this guy had feelings for me it isn't a consideration because I made it clear there was never to be anything, and I am solid in my feelings and secure in my relationship with my boyfriend(soon to be fiance). So if you trust your hubby then you really need to let go of those feelings, and try your best to work through and let go of those feelings. If you are not fully trusting hubby you also need to work through those feelings, and deal with them weather they are real or imagined mistrust issues. I would recommend seeing and talking to a counselor. As to why he did it in the first place if it is inappropriate perhaps at the time it didn't seem inappropriate. I would have no problem going to my friends house to help him with something, and I would not deem it inappropriate. I know he had still hoped we would have a relationship, but I know I made it clear we would never have that and so in my mind, there is nothing wrong with me going to help. I am clear, I make sure he knows we are and will always just be friends, i don't lead him on or give him any false hope. And so knowing all that I wouldn't think twice about helping him with something. So your hubby may have had those same feelings, that he was only friends, secure in himself and feeling there was nothing wrong, because he wasn't doing anything wrong. Appearances are another story. I am one to not worry about appearances but many people do. And likely if he truly has no feelings for this woman that is what he is now agreeing was inappropriate. The appearance of a possible impropriety. I am not in your situation so I don't know if you can fully trust your hubby, but if you can I feel you need to work through all these feelings so they don't interfere or hurt your relationship. If you are not secure in your trust of him you need to deal with that also figuring out if your feelings are real trust issues or if they are coming from your own insecurities perhaps about yourself and what you have been going through. If there is a real trust issue, that also needs to be dealt with. Either way I recommend seeing a counselor, and even better is to see one together. Even a good marriage can use some outside guidance every once in a while. Hope I was not repeating anything as I didn't get a chance to read all the other responses. Hope I helped some. Take care of yourself!

ETA: Oh and in my opinion any feelings this woman may or may not have are not the issue here, she is allowed any feelings she has, and if she chooses to act inappropriately it is your hubby's job to respond appropriately. Neither of you should worry too much about her or her possible feelings toward hubby as long as you both know and trust he will act and respond appropriately.