She's Out of Control

Try the book 1-2-3 Magic. It really works. The key here is to not get mad. If you're yelling and screaming she's getting a reaction out of you. That makes her more in control. You count her and be firm 1. (if she doesn't stop count again, no arguing or coaxing or explaining) 2. and if she does it again. 3 that's it you're in time out. You put here there until she calms down, and then 1 minute for every year of her age. If she tears up her room, oh well, she's got to clean it up. You don't help and you don't yell.

I'd get the book, it really is worth it.

K. - I have two suggestions. They are pretty much the complete opposite of one another, but you need to find what will work for you and your daughter. But I will tell you that it is hard, either way. I have experienced some similar issues with my daughter and we're still working on it. The books are called "1,2,3 Magic" and "The Strong Willed Child". Good luck.

For every action there is a consequence. That's how it is in the adult world and that's how it is in nature. Never, ever give in to bad behavior no matter how much she screams, kicks, cries, or whines. Do not try to reason with her ~ there will be time for that when she "grows up". Make "No" mean NO. Temper tantrums are pitched not for her benefit, but for yours. In order for her to enjoy her tantrum, she needs an audience. When she throws a fit, leave her. Also, be in control of your own temper. Take a deep, cleansing breath and let her know her temper does not control yours. Say things with a smile no matter how angry you get inside! (Oh, man, that's a tough one, but it works!)

Hi Katina,
I actually know somewhat your going through. I have a 4 1/2 year old and I deal with his melt downs when he thinks he's the boss. It was getting a bit out of control because to make it easier on myself I would sometimes give in to his tantrums and so forth just to make my life easier. However, it was getting to the point where his 2 year old sister is picking up on these bad habits that I needed to put an end to this behavior. I started a chart which has made my life so much easier and I noticed such a big difference. Basically, if he talked back or told me "no" or misbehaves in any way, shape or form he gets an X on the chart. Once he gets 3 X's he gets something that he loves taken away from him for at least a week. Same with my 2 year old. When the do good they recieves stars. When they get so many stars they get something special. It's all about consistancy. I have finally figured that out. Supernanny swears on that and I have to say it works. I wish you the best.
A. P
www.greensthewaytobe.com

It would be well worth it for you to buy the book, "1-2-3 Magic" (2nd edition). It is easy to read and tells you exactly how to handle these situations. I use it on all my 4 kids. My son was really hard and it works! It's easy to read and easy to follow. Also, make sure she's not having any difficulties at school or daycare or dads. There may be an underlining reason why she's behaving like this. She's too young to pinpoint things. Finally, I would take her to her pediatrician and tell him/her. You may want to check her hearing and vision. You never know what could be going on. Good Luck. I have found that yelling and spanking never ever work. Love and gentle understanding always go much further.

Hi K....
Although the fact that you are the boss is the reality, she may resent that. You may want to give her lots of choices. I used to wonder when my daughter would "get it" that my husband and I were "in charge". But then we gave her choices win/win , or the option that I wanted her to choose accompanied by one that was totally unappealing to her. We ended up laughing (still do), at her response to the alternate choice, and acutally had fun completing together the non preferred activity. Also, she may appreciate knowing that you understand her desire to resist your rules, while you reinforce the need the need for her to follow your instructions. Best wishes... she will always want to be the boss. I always use the line from Judge Judy, "You are not the boss applesauce!"

K.,
At this young age, behaviors are learned from what is modeled for them and are their way of meeting a need. I believe that behind every behavior is a positive intention. If you are able to really step back from the big picture, become a video camera and replay the last 3 years of her life (remember, a video camera has not judgment, assumptions, etc.), what might your daughter's positive intention be? It is very difficult to see what's going on inside your "picture frame"; do you have a close friend/family member who would be willing to share with your their video camera version of what they see?

From what you say, her behavior is consistent between your home, her Dad's home and at school. You might want to have a conference with you, Dad and teacher to discuss a joint plan that is consistent between all three environments. The longer this behavior is active, the more ingrained it is becoming and the more difficult it will be to shift.

Hi K.,
I have a five year old son. Five is a tough age...they are getting very independent. If I could tell you O. bit of advice it would be to "be consistent." Pick a method of punishment and stick to it. I would not advise spanking ever. My son has never done well with time-outs but he responds pretty quickly to taking a toy/game/whatever away for a day. Maybe try that. Give her a warning (if you don't do xyz by the time I count to 10, I'm putting your game away for 1 day and you will not be allowed to play with it), if she does not comply, take the item away and stick to your guns by following through. Make sure ALL of her caregivers are on board with the plan!
Do you think it is confusing your daughter that you are living with your boyfriend and her dad lives somewhere else? Personally, IMHO, I think that if you are not marrying this guy soon, you two should live apart. If something happens with your relationship, she will loose another man from her life and it will be heartbreaking for her--again. I don't mean to say this to offend, just something to consider. Good luck to you and your daughter!

Try to track down the period when this started. Did it start when you separated or when your boyfriend moved in with you? My guess is that she is acting out because of both reasons (her dad is not here and someone who is not her dad is next to her mom). Maybe you should try counseling and see what you can do.

My daughter is almost 5, and is the same way. A friend recommended a book called "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" and it is helping. I've only read the first 3 chapters, because I'm trying to take it one step at a time. The key to getting them to listen is to make them think that it was their idea. For example: instead of saying "get your shoes on now" you could say "Hmm. You have your socks on, what else do you think you need to put on your feet so we can go?" Then it's her idea to put the shoes on and you're still the boss, she just doesn't know it. I bought the book on Amazon.com and I think it was $7.00 all together including s/h.
Good Luck.

To all the good advice you have here, I'd only add that what works well for my 5-y-o are the positive reinforcement charts that you can make yourself or buy from teachers' stores or on-line. For specific kinds of good behavior they put magnets or stickers on their charts and when they've acquired enough they can get some kind of prize. I've used a "Mama-shop" with things my daughter coveted in a dollar store -- she gets to choose something once she has all her stickers. Start small with just three attainable goals, let's say, phrased in a positive way, if possible. It's important that she achieve something pretty quickly for it to work and to keep it all do-able. Send me message if you want help setting up the specifics. Good luck!

I feel like we are in the same place! When you find the way please post it! My 5 yo boy is the same way. He has been driving me crazy for almost a year now. I've been living with my Bf (now fiance) for three years and I'm 27. I am working part-time at a factory just for some extra cash. The difference is that I have a three month old little boy and I thought that was why he started acting out? I still don't know.

I was refered to a few books. "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". And "Raising your spirited child". I've only read the first but I'm looking to get the second in hopes of finding something. I hope you can get past this before she gets much older.
~V.

Agree with another poster, you need to rewind and trace back when this behavior started. Upon you divorce? When the new boyfriend moved in? You also will need to look at how these men that are her role models, treat you. If they do not listen to you, they set the example (since they are the 'leaders' of the household) for your daughter to follow. If these men do not respect you, then your daughter will not respect you in return. One thing that I ran into, was my older children's father (& his family) telling my children that they did not have to listen to me (just their father). It was of course, just to cause trouble in my home. They would tell me they did not have to listen to me, I asked why and they told me because so and so said why that's why. It took therapy for two or so years before it got straitened out. Mainly tried everything, mainly revolking privilages worked best. A lot of it too, has to do with How you tell your daughter to do something. Do it now, because I said so. Does not work as well as: Once you pick up your toys in your room, we can watch a movie you pick out. Your daughter, I am sure WANTS to spend time with you, since you just recently went back to school. Sometimes, all it takes to straiten out bad behavior is a little bit of us spending some quality time with them. Hope this helps..

I don't know where you're located, but if there's a parenting center near by, such as the Parenting Center in Abington (or in many of the other towns...I know Hatboro/Horsham has one, and so does Upper Dublin), call them or look them up. They have wonderful classes and support sessions, etc., for moms and dads, and there may be a class that will answer these questions...for a very nominal fee. These Parenting Centers, which are non-judgmental, are wonderful, and that's why a lot of the school districts have been following suit.

Abington Hospital's website has info re the Abington parenting center, http://www.amh.org/body.cfm?id=960, and includes a list of other affiliated parenting centers: Springfield/Whitmarsh, Lower Moreland, Upper Dublin and Hatboro/Horsham. You can live outside these districts and still attend a workshop.

Here is the Center for Parenting Education's website: http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/, and it notes that the next workshop is this evening: TAMING THE ANGER MONSTER IN YOUR CHILD....

Good luck!

talk to her dad and see what's going on there. Might need some counseling with her and you.

Did the problem start once you started living with boyfriend? or start of school? job?