Shared Custody-how Does It Affect the Kid?

My cousin did one week with her mother one with her father from elementary school through high school. I think it was exhausting to be constantly moving like that, but she got weekends with both parents (the real advantage to the set-up) and now she has very very close relationship with both parents. In the long run, I think it was good for her. I don't really think it matters when the swap takes place as long as both parents get quality time with the child.

as a parent who shared custody of my son from the age of 2, i think it's very important for the child to know that it's always ok to contact either parent, regardless of where he's sleeping. my ex & i spoke with my son every night when he was at the other's house. we lived within a couple miles of each other so even had occasions when we would meet up and do things together. i think the best thing your friend and her ex can do for her daughter is let her know that they both love her and she's always welcome to contact them ... regardless of which parent's week it is ... kids need each parent for different things.

good luck to your friend ... as long as they remember their daughter is the priority, they'll be ok

as we've said often when people comment that it's "odd that your parents do stuff together" ... it's not our son's fault that we couldn't stay married to each other ....

My husband's parents divorced when he was one years old so he spent his entire life going back and forth all the time. It was very stressful for him. Maybe your friend can look into ways to eleviate some of the stress or something. Probably, having consistency everytime she is with her mom would help her. Good luck to your friend.

If the child is at swim lessons, ball games or practices, music lessons or events where there are other people present then it should not be a problem for both parents to be there and involved. When both parents are involved in the child's extra activites it is also easier on the child I think. Another thing is that if the parents can still get along just for the child's sake it will also go easier for everyone involved. So, no I don't think it is a bad thing for both parents to be involved.

I went back and forth all week. Wed. and weekend with my dad. To make things more smooth make sure there is clothes at both houses, shoes, underwear, etc. When older, hairdryer, curling iron, makeup... The packing and unpacking and forgetting things were very stressful. Going back and forth can work as long as the parents get along and don't fight about it.

I guess my question would be WHY is the mom going to "visit" during swim lessons? She can't have any interaction with her daughter if she's having lessons - she'll be in the pool. Is she going because she's always been at the swim lessons, or because she wants to check up on the dad? Will she be at swim lessons each Mon/Wed or just when she wants to check up on her daughter? What will she tell her daughter as the reason? Are she and her ex able to be in the same place and be civil?

This is for sure a tough tough situation. It also sounds like it's a new situation, which makes it a bit trickier. I understand her need to make sure her daughter is OK (believe me the first couple of times my daughter went with her dad I cried the whole time and believed I wouldn't get her back in one piece), but the daughter needs the week to bond with her dad and the daughter NEEDS TO KNOW THIS IS SUPPORTED BY THE MOM.

ABSOLUTELY the daughter needs to have contact with the mom and the daughter's sense of security needs to come first, but there are ways the mom can have contact without it being disruptive (same goes with the dad). For example, no calls at bedtime when the daughter is tired and will tend to be more emotional. No telling the daughter that the different rules at the dad's house are "wrong" (unless they are unsafe) etc.

I think she should ask herself why she wants to go to the swim lessons and she will have her own answer. She could also ask herself how she would feel if the dad came to something on the week the daughter spent with her mom??? That may help her sort out her feelings.

Good luck :-)

Here are some ideas by Kyle D. Pruett, M.D that may help and the link that follows gets into even more detail:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/01/17/...

Mothers and fathers care for their children in very unique ways. Children can recognize the differences between mother and father care, which actually enhances their development.
Recent research about the role of fathers and their approach to parenting include the following:

* Fathers tend stylistically to encourage problem-solving skills by letting their kids struggle with frustration a little longer before stepping in to help. (Of course, there is a huge personal variation here, as there is in mothers.)
* Fathers permit a little more emotional autonomy during learning sequences with their young children, supporting and encouraging but without the same emphasis on intimacy that is more typical among mothers.
* Fathers tend to mix play with learning a little more successfully, from the child’s point of view, allowing longer work periods.
* Fathers’ more functional (‘do it because it needs to be done,’ rather than ‘do it because it will go better between us if you do’) approach to academic work builds in the child a larger range of problem-solving skills over time that probably contributes to more lasting self-esteem.

I think the week-switching would be very stressful... My parents had split custody from the time I was around 6 or 7, but instead of one week here, another there I lived with my dad all week, and went to my mom's house every other weekend. Then for 6 weeks straight when school let out...

My ex-husband and I do go to some of the same events. Not always and it is discussed before hand. We are adults about the whole thing. cb

There is so much that can be said in this type situation. The first thing to remember is, parents have intuition for their children. Often times seeking advice from others esp those who are close to the situation is not always best but rather can lead to a person second guessing themselves trying to do what everybody else thinks is right. This can become very overwhelming and stressful. I have faced this situation with my own daughter who is now almost nine yrs old. After a very bad break up which resulted in child protective service intervention due to domestic violence, he having a live in two weeks after we left, marrying a person who had been convicted of drug charges,(marriage lasted less than a year) both alcoholics, he was arrested for dwi w/child passenger somewhere along the way our daughter became the focus. There was no relationship being rekindled between the two of us but we participated in activities together as if one on the outside would have thought we were a perfect family. This only lasted for a few years (until present when yet another live in has been introduced) I believe this gave my daughter a sense of security and self confidence. Others of courser voiced their opinions about giving her a false sense of hope but I can honestly say my daughter never developed the idea that her mom and dad were a family unit. She understood there was a difference. I have recently had to blow up a copy of page 29 in the court order pasting it on the fridge and back of front door. DEVELOPMENT OF CLOSE AND CONTINUING RELATIONSHIP WITH CHILD Each party is ORDERED to optimize the development of a close and continuing relationship with the child the subject of this suit. This important factor has come into play during a custody battle and home study. As a result it was noted on his part that he did not see the mother (myself) as important in the childs life. Keeping in mind the protection of the child no matter what the situation is #1 and first priority after that it is most commonly best that the child spend QUALITY time with both "parents". Court orders do not state visitation is to be arranged between a parent and the others partner of choice for the time (they will eventually go away) but rather between the biological parents. As long as the child is accepting the situation, not being compromised and reacting in a positive manner the parents are doing what is in the best interest for their child.