Okay this may be alittle to much, so this is a heads up before you read anymore.
If age means anything Im 25. My husband an i have been married for almost 4 years.
Well here is the issue. As of two months ago my husband has been on some new med's he suffers from
stress, He has been on medicine from about 4 months after we got married. ( I made him go to the doctor)
Well now that he is on some new meds, ( the doctor took him off the other kind which was amazing because other people were having addictive behavors, so since it is now conciderd an addictive drug the doctor can not proscribe it unless needed etc. ) So anywho He is not on this other kind, well now this kind apparently makes him have no sex drive. it has been over a month since anything. and when we did last time over a month ago, he couldnt get off. Now in the begining i knew it was not me, that it was the medicine. But after a month and nothing, not even trying it hurts and im seeing myself almost at the point of being depressed. I keep having to remind myself that its just the meds. ( side note, last time i went through this a year ago he never wanted anything was due to the fact that there was another girl.) we split up for 6 months, and now we've been back together everything seems fine, hes not distant like before so i know that there is not another girl, I'm 100% sure of that, just since theres no sex etc I cant stop thinkin about it. Not that i want it all the time, but heck 1 time a week or every 2 would be great. I have tried talking to him about this, and i can tell it really does hurt him, because he knows he doesn't have a sex drive, and he knows how it hurts me, at first he was like you just want me for sex, until i told him NO its because in our 4 years of being married the only time you have NEVER wanted anything was when you was talking to another girl. this is why it hurts. I dont think your talking to anyone else an i know you love me but for some reason i cant stop thinking about the reason is that you just dont want me. But deep down i know he does love me and only wants to be with me. And i really dont want to bring it up again to him. because i know that now he understands where im coming from.
Any help to either (a) help improve his drive or (b) help me get over this before i do become depressed.
Thank you
He needs to talk to his doctor and get different meds.
They should have an alternative that will work.
Www.survivinginfidelity.com has GREAT resources for exactly what you're going through. Like this board, except for couples who are dealing with affairs (past or present) and are reconciling, separating, or divorcing... And except that they also have a lot if literature on learning to cope. One useful thing to know is that it usually takes 2-5 years to 'get over' an affair AND THAT'S ONLY IF both people are actually working toward helping the victim of the affair get back on his/her solid ground. (If not, its more like 'never'... And if feels the same way for 10-20 years and longer).
There is almost always more than one medication to try for any affliction. Send him back to his doctor for a different medication.
Then, is he or the two of you seeing a counselor? It seems that between his physical/mental issues with stress and the lingering effects on your marriage of his previous affair, some counseling could be a good thing for you both.
I don't think you can just "get over this". It is a rough patch in your marriage. You still need affection and intimacy. He may not want sex or be able to "get off".. But he sure can be there for you in other ways. What have you tried to do? Has he discussed this with his dr? There could be a way to up his sex drive. Or there could be another medicine available that doesn't affect his sex drive.
Re-assure him that you love him and still think he is manly whether no matter what, but also there is no reason to give up on sex. Ask him to talk to his doctor. There are other medications that may be helpful. He may try a different med for stress. He may offer viagra. You won't know until you broach the subject with the doc.
Also know that vitamin B deficiency can cause stress. A vitamin B-Complex can help in many cases. I don't know how stressed your husband was but it may be that he could go off the meds and take a fairly high dose of a good B Complex. I have seen that do the trick! If you go that route do not let a doctor put your husband on B-6 alone. Although B-6 can be helpful it works much better in a complex of all the B's. Send me a message if you would like more dosage info for what has worked for people I know.
To start with, have him talk to his doctor. There are lots of options for meds and the effects (for both sex drive and stress) vary. The lack of sex drive is likely increasing his stress so it is not doing it's job.
Second, men consider sex problems as personal failures. He doesn't want to try because he believes he will fail and that will compound the problem. Back off and tell him you miss being close and the comfort of touch. Don't even mention sex. The lack of pressure should help (but possibly not enough). If changing meds is not an option, try removing him from the stress and and seeing if you and wean him from the meds or at least lower the dose.
It's 100% the medicine, as long as your sure there's no one else. No sex drive and not being able to get it up/off is the main side effect of anti-depressants/anxiety meds. You two as a couple need to discuss this, either he takes the meds and deal with this side effect (he could also ask his doc for Viagra to help while taking this) or find other ways to deal with his problems.
If this is a side effect of his medicine, he needs to to with his doctor about it.
Ditto to ReverendRuby. See if he can find a cognitive-Behavioral psychologist to work on the depression without needing medications. They can teach effective coping skills that will help him for the rest of his life. My husband had the same issues (depression, didn't get out of his chair all day, drugs turned him in to an emotional zombie, no more sex)... but there are other ways to address the issue. Don't give up, and good luck. Living with a depressed person is no fun, take care of yourself too.
I am more than twice your age so I am very qualified!! And I went through this myself...and I know lots of medicines reduce the libido, but getting 'off' on his part is not the only part of sex. but if it seems important arrange or work towards having it when it has just about run through his system and he hasn't taken another one. Does he take it before bed? Then sometime next morning-does he start his morning with it? There are ways you can notice when it is wearing off and I sure you know. Next, remember there are all sorts of other fun things attached to your body and all sorts of other 'activity' can take place. (don't want to get too graphic on Mamapedia). Of course he wants you, and that talking to another girl may have been guilt not desire on his part,. Sex is supposed to be nice and warm, so not to worry, no pressure just relax and tell him to enjoy whatever can happen.
Intercourse is not the only way to feel loved. Try other ways of giving each other pleasure. Cuddling and finding other ways of being physically and emotionally close can help. He can pay close attention to you and your needs without having any sex driven for himself.
He definitely needs to talk with his doctor about this. My therapist who prescribes meds tells me that he can prescribe meds that will not affect my libido. And it's worked.
My husband has been on several of these medications over the years and all of them completely eliminate his sex drive. What he is doing now is stopping taking it for a week or two (not advised--it can cause some wicked side effects when withdrawn cold turkey like this) so he can have sex every 2-3 months. I told him just to reduce the dose for a few days (this does help a bit). The thing is, when he is off it, he is irritable and mean. So it is a choice--sex, or him being impatient and mean. I think you have to realize it is not you. Have him talk with the doctor about the dosage.
Meds for depression or stress only mask the symtoms but do not actually treat the real issue. What is causing his stress and depression? He needs to deal with the source and take care of it. Counseling is a good start but so is diet and exercise. Examine this from all sides and see where inprovement is needed.
Go back to the doctor and see if Wellbutrin will work for him. Wellbutrin doesn't have the sexual side effects as other anti-depressants.
Switch meds. Have him go back and try a new med. This happens from time to time. It's a side effect that you do not need.
