K.R.
Hi T. ~
You are setting yourself up for ALOT of conflict, as well as producing an extremely spoiled and ungrateful child. I had a similar problem some years ago when I was engaged to a man who already had children and I had two of my own. His parents kept his children ALL THE TIME and his mother was GOD! She spoiled them to death and the youngest one ended up being a pouty, unmotivated, disrespectful little brat.(The oldest was better, but still had a bit of an attitude). To top it all off, she was condescending to my own children (and me) and things were very unequal. She would give bigger and better gifts to her own grandchildren and slight my kids. My fiance did nothing, as he was a "momma's boy" himself and couldn't stand up to her. Needless to say, I got out of that relationship. I did not feel my children deserved to be treated in such an unfair manner.
My main point is that your father-in-law is ruining your child. You wouldn't allow such behavior from a paid caretaker, would you? Just because you're not paying him doesn't mean he has the right to disrespect you and your requests as to how things should be done in your home. These years of your child's development are crucial. She is learning social behavior and needs to know the meanings of respect, appreciation and boundaries. Do you want a spoiled brat on your hands? If not, either set down the law and make sure it is followed, or find an alternative to child care. Saving money isn't always the best thing for your child. Your father-in-law may not think there's anything wrong with what he does. It's your and your husband's responsibility to make it very clear to him what is acceptable and what is not. If he refuses to comply, keep her in daycare when you are working. Then just let him visit when you are present and able to nip things in the bud. A LITTLE bit of spoiling from a grandparent is normal and OK, but the constant catering is destructive. Good luck and STAND YOUR GROUND, for the sake of your child! Best Wishes ~ K.