Seriously?

Do you want the kids to grow up thinking mom left dad because of "softball"?

Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

You make more sense to me about this, than him.
PLUS, while on this trip, WHO is going to pay for his food/eating/lodging???

Wrong timing. Wrong priorities.... and yah, why don't his sports buddies help him with job networking....

How is he as a man/Husband while he was employed? Or has there also been longstanding other problems? And this issue is just the straw that breaks the camel's back???/

Is he getting unemployment? Did he file for it? Can he... per the way he left his previous job?? He 'was' going to be fired, afterall. Usually under those circumstances, a person cannot claim for unemployment benefits.

He's only going to be gone for a weekend! Seriously, chill out!! If the guys want to pay his way, then what's the big deal? I don't understand why you are getting so upset over a weekend trip that somebody else is paying for. Are you a bit jealous nobody offered to take you anywhere? I do think you are being very unreasonable here!

Maybe he needs it to deal with the stress of not finding a job? I say it's too soon to take off, and maybe you need to take his feelings under consideration. I'm not saying either one of you is right or wrong, but I am saying this is a stressful situation, and it sounds like you might need to step back and think things through before doing something you might regret.

Not to worry you, but I have 5 friends whose husbands have been out of work for over a year, due to the economy. Their husbands all work in IT and have Masters degrees. When working, they all had 6 figure incomes. They were highly sought after before the bubble, now companies aren't hiring...no matter how skilled the worker. To add to the stress, all of these friends are stay-at-home moms, who have been out of the work force for 5 years or more, with small children.

Some of their husband's have been lucky enough to get temporary contracting work, but nothing that would turn their situation around...just enough to keep their names in the mix as they continue interviewing. They've managed to parlay savings, investments and unemployment to make ends meet. It definitely hasn't been easy and very tight. While it would be easy for these women to freak out on their husband's because they're only getting an average of 1-3 interviews every 2 weeks (despite resumes being sent everywhere) all of my friends and their husbands are resigned that this is state of things for the unemployed right now. And short of totally changing careers and doing something new, they all know they will probably have to move out of state if they ever do find work again. This is just the current employment landscape for everyone.

I know for these men, if their wives threatend them or took away any means of stress relief or hobby because of their financial situation, their families would probably fall apart. A man won't be a good husband, father or provider if they don't first, have the support of their wife, and second, healthy outlets to relax and destress.

Fortunate for them, they have each other for support, but furthermore their wives are patient and understanding. I don't think these families would be doing as well as they are under these circumstances, if it weren't for everyone from their wives to the kids doing their part.

In your case, I think it's great his friends offered to defray costs. They are very understanding and being good friends. It isn't realistic to expect these people to bail you out of your financial situation. Afterall, they probably all just chipped in a small amount to make the whole. But they are proving to be a good support system for your husband during this difficult time, and you should be happy he has this.

There have been sad and frightening stories in the news of people taking their lives or the lives of their families because they didn't have a support system.

I say put things into perspective, try to be more patient, and look at this situation as a help rather than a hurt. If your husband's friends can do more, I'm sure they will. At the very least, people often find work through networking with others. Not saying this will indeed happen...but if he keeps contact with his friends, you never know.

If you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, maybe it's time for you to find a stress outlet as well. Talking with others and doing something that you enjoy is a healthy thing to do, even during times of stress.

Worrying, blaming, and being angry will only make things worse and cloud your judgement. It definitely won't be good for the kids or your marriage. Find something you enjoy. Go to church, pray. Go for walks with your husband. Get counseling or help if you need it. Find a place of peace and serenity in the midst of your troubles, and hopefully things will get better soon.

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You are married for better or worse? I am sure he is stressed about not having a job and how he is going to provide for his family. Yes, he should be mowing lawns or whatever else he needs to do to make a buck but at the same time, he needs to stay emotionally and physically healthy. Perhaps softball helps him in these areas? Reducing stress is important. There must be more going on for you to leave?

I find you need to be careful about ultimatums and look at the long term picture. Is he consistently losing jobs or is unemployed? Or is this the first time? Does he try to find a job daily and this is a mini vacation with his paying pals?

I don't know. Children do best in consistent, safe homes where they can predict their future. By moving them and divorcing their father, is that providing their best future?

Whoa! Everybody deserves a break occasionally, even if they aren't working. And if it isn't going to cost you very much, then I think you should at least consider it. I know it is stressful that he hasn't been working, but I'm sure he feels really bad about it and could use some time with the guys to unwind. Now, if he's a total slacker and deserved to be fired, and hasn't done one single thing to help around the house or make some money...then I understand why you'd be upset. Still, him going on a three day trip with guy friends isn't cause for divorce. It sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart conversation- where you both listen to each other and make a plan.

Okay, here's the part you want to hear: Your hubby can't go to Florida. It's stupidity. He shouldn't even be playing softball right now. He should be out looking for a job!

Here's the part you don't want to hear: You have to cancel every non-essential expense you have right now. My kids sure as HELL wouldn't be going to Tae Kwon Do or dance classes if I was paying my bills with credit cards!! That's also stupidity.

Also, if your husband isn't working then why on Earth are you paying for child care?

So if you get rid of the child care, the tae kwon do, the dance classes, the security system, the cable tv, one of the SUV's, any junk food/soda on the grocery bill etc... I'm sure you'll end up saving somewhere around 2k per month!!! I'm sure that would cover the bills that are going on credit right now. You HAVE to economize! Maybe telling your children that they have to give up their hobbies will galvanize your husband to find work! It's time for a family meeting. The family that saves together, stays together.

Best of luck to you.

My thought is this--since he is not working at all--aren't there enough hours in the day to job hunt AND play softball? Sheesh -- seriously--is he bad at time management. And for the all expense paid trip--what is he really going to do THIS weekend to "bring money in" from Friday to Sunday? Id he were mowing lawns or delivering pizzas he's already be doing that, right?

I mean, I totally get your frustration at his lack of a job, but are we talking hand-to-mouth living here? Any savings or "cush"? I guess I really can't answer whether I think he should go or not (not that it matters!) unless I know your exact financial situation. I mean, are your kids going to bed hungry at night? Pantry bare? Beans and rice for the 90th straight day?
Or is this more of an irritation issue?

Honestly I think you DO need some space to think, although, especially since your mom is paying for you to go out of town for a weekend next month I can see why he would see it as fair that his friends are trying to do the same thing for him that your mom is doing for you.

Another Q I have is... are your kids in daycare, or has he been the SAHP since losing his job? Being a SAHP is NOT easy... heck... you may have done it... if not, just read the posts on this site for awhile. Esp the ones about the working parent coming home ticked that the house is a mess, demanding to know what the stay at home parent has done all day, trying to get personal time, how crappy feeling dependant and unappreciated is, etc.

Obviously I don't know the 2 of you... but from your previous posts what is *sounds* like is that "roles" have been reversed. You're the breadwinner, and ticked about it, and coming home to a messy house, and kids who want your time when you're tired... and he's the SAHP who's depressed and exhausted and trying to carve out time where he's on his own away from the house.

I get that you're livid with him for losing his job 4 months ago over something stupid (not passing a test until the day after the deadline), and that you want to punish? shame? wake him up? have him be as stressed as you are?... not really sure the right phrase.... but while I feel tons of anger at him in your posts I also don't see a lot of compassion. Who knows... maybe he's a prick who doesn't deserve kindness... but I keep wonder what if the same thing happened to you (lost your job, had to transition into being a full time SAHP, scraping together odd jobs)... if you'd want your husband to be treating you the way you're treating him?

This is meant kindly... like I said... I don't know either of you. He could just be an irresponsible, selfish prick, who doesn't do anything but sit on the couch watching tv eating bon bons and drinking beer. But from you saying how great a husband and father he has been... mostly I just get the feeling that you're ticked and want him to suffer. Which isn't helpful. It's kind of like someone telling someone trying to lose weight how fat they are. Or the exhausted mom that she's lazy for not having a spotless house.

In this market, a person can't get an interview unless he's been actively looking. I've known people who haven't had even a callback in 10 months! Don't let fear during a short-term trial cause you to make a decision that could ruin your relationship. If the marriage vows were for the good times only or there were a lot of unspoken conditions in your heart, you might need to deal with those before reacting to this situation. This all is just part of life. How will you feel if, once things are back on track, you have a short-term situation that impacts your ability to bring money to the home. Yeah, it's irritating to go through these things, but try to work together and not see him as a slob. And, if the ball playing is really bugging you, is it because you are trying to do everything? You probably could benefit from some type of counseling right now because it's such a stressful, emotional time. Do not make permanent decisions during this time that you will regret later.

Although I totally agree with you on this, based on what you have shared, I do think you should be careful to show your husband respect. (Please understand I am not saying this in a mean-hearted way, just imagine me saying it gently and kindly.) Just as you shouldn't have to "earn" his love, he shouldn't have to "earn" your respect. It's the language that men understand. When they know that they are respected as men, they tend to live up to it. A recent poll indicated that men are not growing up until about age 35 in our culture. They are engrossed in video games, softball, etc. We are such a spoiled, lazy nation. We, as a society, want to play and despise working. We are beginning to feel the effects of this lifestyle. Study Rome and find out how it worked out for them. LOL We're right there knocking on that door. Whatever your husband decides to do, be patient and respectful to him. Let him know how you feel (not rudely as love is never rude). Share your concerns. If you want him to change, you might have to change the way you interact with him. Not that it is all your fault, please don't misunderstand. Relationships are all intertwined. We act and react to each other on most issues. I hope it goes well for you both, and that this new job pans out for him. I hope he can see his responsibilities lie with you and your children, and not with a stupid game that offers nothing to the family that is positive in a long-lasting sort of way. blessings!
UPDATE: After re-reading my response, I thought I should clarify. I agree with you that your husband should not go on this trip. I do not agree that you should move out. So, I guess I don't "totally agree with you on this." Sorry for the confusion!

wow, can't believe some people wouldn't mind their husbands going when he hasn't brought in income. i agree that playing is okay as long as he's been job searching AND been doing some side work (the mowing loawns), but softball shouldn't be consuming him. when do YOU get to rest when you work and take care of the kids and he runs off to play ball? men aren't the only ones that need a break, and honestly, some of them don't because they have it easy :( (meaning the wife takes acare of everything so all he does is relax at home) anyhow, i'd be pissed if mine decided to do that. he'd definantly see me and our son gone.

I must say that I agree with you!!!!!

HAving had a spouse who has not worked steadily for years I canunderstand your feelings. however, it's been only 4 months and in this economy that is probably not that bad. If he is not costing you money and can find a way to make up what you missed, could he have his thing that makes him feel normal? I can't imagine that he feels good about not providing income to the family. I've read the edit and see that you probably need to downsize quite a bit. If he can have this weekend provided that he helps with you on weekends might be a compromise. also, he needs to goto mcdonalds or something to bring in a $200 - $300 a week until something shows up. That might pay for his weekend as well.

Good luck.
A.

Being out of work for that long is stressful! I have been "downsized" myself, so I know how that feels, and it feels lousy! The job market is really tough right now! He's lucky to have that interview, my son has only had 2 interviews in 2 years, and looks for a job everyday! Sports is a big part of alot of mens' lives. You are sounding like his mother, not his wife. His guys are probably wanting to take him away from his situation and give him a little fun and relaxation away from what is clearly a stressful situation. Just because others' have money doesn't mean that they are going to give it to you. It sounds like you would miss one day, right? Do you not have anyone who could babysit for you? If you are seriously thinking of walking out, there's more going on than meets the eye here. You would be abandoning the man that became your husband, and the father of your children. Is that what you really want to do? Softball shouldn't supercede kid's birthdays or any other parties or events, you're right. I think that you all should go to couples' counseling for sure. You are under alot of stress. Men do not show their stress as outwardly as we do. Maybe he just wants that time to decompress. My advice is to try to see things from his point of view as well, and realize that you are under alot of stress trying to maintain a life that both of you built, and again, I think that couples' counseling could help, you can usually find free, or nearly free at churches. Some insurances cover it, you could check with yours, and if they don't cover couples; most cover family, which could be used as the same. If feels to me like you are feeling very unappreciated and taken for granted, which by the way, is the number one complaint men have about their wives, and are resenting him wanting to "play" while he's not "working". I think you should get help before you do anything rash that you may regret later. The big question is do you really love him? If so, then it's worth fighting for.
A. S.

I agree with other posters, no income means no fun i.e. NO FLORIDA! But it seems that's not happening with all of the family. I know it's hard and you don't want your children to "suffer" but dance and Tae Kwon Do? They should be canceled along with ADT, cable, etc. You need to have a family sit down and, without going into too much detail, tell your kids that things have gotten tighter (they aren't stupid, they know already!) and you all must make some sacrifices short term. Maybe seeing your children without their activities and not having cable to plop down in front of might motivate your husband. You might also look into selling a vehicle if it would sell for enough to pay off the loan and buy a clunker to get by. The hubby should be clipping coupons, shopping sales, cleaning the house, helping with the kids and looking for work. I 100% agree with you about cutting lawns - any $$$ is better than $0!!!! Lastly, I would try to get your husband to go to counseling with you. I know you don't have the extra $ but even 1 session to hash out your feelings and possibly get him moving (or at least uncover the reason for his reluctance) would be such a huge help. Bottom line, you ALL have to make some sacrifices but mainly you've got to figure out why husband doesn't want to pull his weight! If that's not going to change, you are right to move out and move on. Good luck.

"Free" is never really free. Think about the food he will have to buy. The beer he will drink. All the little things add up really fast. I can't believe he is even considering it.
I hope you guys (or at least you) are going to a therapist. Does your work have an EAP?

I've been in the postion of having my husband out of work for a significant period of time, and I have been guilty of badgering him nearly constantly during his periods of unemployment. We had no kids at the time, but I grew jealous of every single minute he wasn't actively looking for a job. I have grown since then and have come to understand that a man needs to feel like he's worth something and he'll either get the respect and esteem building at home or somewhere else. Men also need an outlet through activities, they don't seem much for talking. For a while I had lost the ability of assuming the best of my husband and not the worst. He does not what to be in this situation either, likely.

That being said, you can't be super mom and end up feeling like you have to do everything. He should not take the trip, you should not leave over it. Badgering and threatening him will never change his behavior, ever. He has to come to his own convictions. You do need a way to work together as a team to talk about your money, arrange your schedule and communicate clearly what each of your needs are so both can be met. There are resources out there, I'm familiar with the Christan based ones, Focus on the Family, Dave Ramsey's site, Crown Financial all are things you can look into. There are 2 books I have read that may be helpful "You Paid How Much For That", and "The Total Money Makeover". The first will help with communication and feeling safe discussing finances, the second will start you on a plan to manage what you have wisely, even if it isn't much right now. Your kids will learn a lot from how you manage this situation. There is hope, I pray you will find a way to be a team.

I agree with one of the other posters - why are you paying for daycare if your husband is home?, he needs to step up and do that!

I would totally be in your court. If your out of work and your not bringing in an income then you really can't afford a trip even if the ticket is paid. That is life. I am sure I would do the same as you if I could. My family is way to far away.

Girl you have to communicate with him and he also have to see for himself that things are hard right now. It sounds to me that he uses the weekend to avoid dealing with the ever day presure of life and he thinks that hanging out with the guys will make his situation better. But its not, because now its affecting his marriage. Please talk to him and remind him how much you really love him. Men are so much different from us when times get heard. He is used to being the man by taking care of his family and that was taken from him. Please don't destroy his ego. If you have a dad or a positive male figure in your life then maybe they can talk to him. Trust there is nothing you can say because you are the wife and he needs to tell you how he really feel. As long as he can be with the guys and drink a few beers. He think that things will be better. Please don't give up pray for your husband. Let him know that you both are in this thing together and that the both of you really need to talk and continue to love each other by working together. If he has the children while you are at work then why don't you try to plan a quit date at home for the two of you and a candle light dinner out side just to name a few examples to keep the two of you stress free for a while. What about a weekend bike ride or walking with the family after dinner. I know you may be tired but that will give you guys time together and releave some stress. This is the time in your marriage where the good and bad times kick in . Hang in there thinks will get better. You both have to set in example for your children. If your mom want to give you a break take it with him so you two can remember why you love each other so much. Trust me it don't have to be an expensive date. Hold on to your relationship no one said that it would be easy. YOU CAN MAKE IF YOU TRY! GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK.

I understand where both of you are. I had not had a perm job for the past 9 months. One reason is because I wanted 1 week to go out of town and no one would consider me because I was honest about the plans my husband and I have. My husband can not afford to cover my bills at all and I have been doing all kinds of odd jobs and borrowing $$. While on our trip I did get offered a job and started it when we got back. It has been very hard and we needed the vacation. I even made some $ while on our trip and helped others so we could eat without needing to spend $$.
I would let my husband go only if others would foot the bill. He would get no $ from me for the trip and if he is willing to do this then maybe he would feel a bit of humility.
Sometimes you need to treat him like one of the kids and ask yourself how you would handle this if it was a child wanting this. He is most likely depressed and baseball maybe helping him.

I'm glad you edited this because the first part sounded like you were a wee bit of a witch. Now you sound more reasonable :)

I don't think that softball is enough to dissolve a marriage over, but I do think that you and he need to resolve this. If he thinks that life is there only for him and you are there to serve him and the kids, then you are justified in seeking a separation so you can organize your life in a healthy way. But if he only asks for some time for him, and will work to get time for you, then all that is left is for both of you to work out how you get your healthy time. Take that weekend with your mother, and you may come back to a husband who better appreciates what it takes to run a household. Then set up a meeting time with him when both of you can decide the "me" time that both of you deserve. Once the schedule is set, make sure you take your time, and don't let him put a guilt trip on you to make you cancel.

i honestly do not understand the women who are responding to this delimma. it's like we have stepped back into the fifties, "respect your husband, etc." i am with you, there is NO WAY my husband would be going to florida for a "semi-free" trip to play softball when we couldn't pay all of our bills. paying for his ticket does not mean the trip is free. you are completely correct when you say that he needs to sleep somewhere, eat, drink and who knows what other incidentals he will spend money on. stick to your guns and if he goes, give him a wake up call. i am not saying divorce him, but maybe your leaving will cause him to reevaluate his priorities.....

He should not go...your family is the team he is on and its crunch time. So he misses out on a fun weekend, big whoop. That said, just from reading your post I can think of 10 ways you could reduce spending. You may have signed up for certain things but life happens and we readjust. I don't think leaving is the answer, a reevaluation of the familys priorities might be a start Plus, think of the relief you would feel if even a small portion of your monthly payouts could be lessenned. Spend more time together as a family, doing things that are low-cost or free. He needs to do his part and then some because he the co-captain of your "family team" and the team is struggling. Jetting off to Florida is not an option, but neither is leaving, IMO. Take Care

i hate to say this but you have a point. no income means no income so going to find even if it is a day job would be better than going to florida with his friends. free tix? sure, it's nice, but what about food? what about spending that time applying for jobs. every day is a wasted ay while he's unemployed. so i am with you on this one girlfriend.