Is It Ok Not to Be Happy for Friend?

She is abusing the system, should be required to pay ALL the money back and yes, it's okay to be very unhappy about someone being so immoral and STEALING from you and me and everyone that pays taxes.

That would irk me too. I would have a hard time being happy for someone who is as you say is "abusing the system."

She is using tax dollars to fund her lifestyle while she has no intention of seriously looking for a job which is a requiremrnt of unemployment. I would be ticked off too. She did pay into the system, so I get using the unemployment through her maternity leave but the rest is annoying. Don't be jealous of her lack of integrity. That said, most people would probably struggle to not take the money, it is tempting. So, not really an answer, just that I sympathize with how you feel.

i'm mean too, then. i'm not happy for her either.
khairete
S.

Not only is she abusing the system, but she is one of probably many thousands of people who are milking funds that others desperately need just to stay afloat, keep their homes, get their kids fed and clothed. Unemployment is intended specifically to help people who have lost their jobs and are scrambling to find another. It is NOT a plan to provide extended paid vacations to people who don't feel like working. And she's one of many who turn the public against making this safety net available. She's effectively stealing from taxpayers, and that includes your family.

I would not be happy about that, and would probably be honest about why. It would more than likely end the friendship, but I think I would probably explode if I tried to hold it in.

Wow, that does sound a little strange. Usually people who are laid off are struggling to make ends meet, not taking vacations to Vegas! How is she able to do that? Isn't she required to job search during her unemployment? How is she able to get away with having no intention of working?

No, I don't think you are being mean about not being happy for them. Their situation sounds a little suspicious....I mean, should they really be taking trips to Hawaii and Vegas AND planning to have a second child when she's getting unemployment checks? That doesn't make any sense! I would be bitter about it, too. :-( I guess I feel your pain; we are having to live with my parents because we're not making enough money to live on our own, so to hear something like that really irks me. So no, it's not mean to feel that way. It's totally understandable. I don't blame you one bit.

whuuuuuuuuuuut??

um, can you let her know i'd like MY money back? i could really have used that tax money she's been F****ing away. i'm not joking. can i have her number?

ps - my family lives paycheck to paycheck as well - we cancelled going to disney and are just doing seaworld due to finances. we are scrimping to get money together for that, and ONLY because i feel it's important for my son to see his other family that live far away.

and WE STOPPED AT ONE.

Wondering how, exactly, she is "abusing" the system, as some have suggested? How many people have you known to "decline" unemployment benefits? ((crickets))
When you work, you PAY into unemployment compensation. She deserves what she is getting under the LAW.

So--I think my answer to your particular question is: No, it's not ok.
You sound very, very jealous. Your time would be better spent taking ACTIONS that would make YOUR life/finances better.

There is rarely any black or white with regards to human behavior.

However, what your friend is doing IS wrong, and you ARE right to be a little peeved.

Just sayin'.....

:(

You're right, she is abusing the system!
I think it's perfectly ok that you're not happy for them, but try not to be jealous because I've found that things are often not what they seem. People often live way beyond their means, and get vacations, nice clothes, and other things by charging them. They often have several credit cards with huge balances. If that's what they are doing (probably is), it's all going to turn around and bite them in the butt some day.
You should be proud of yourselves for living honestly and within your means. It's hard now, but you'll be much better off later when you're living comfortably, and she's still trying to pay off debt.

no. all this stuff is being paid by YOUR husband in tax money.

Is there any way to anonymously turn her in for fraud?

http://www.esd.wa.gov/uibenefits/communication/fraud/repo...

She's a prime example of why unemployment shouldn't be extended. She's playing the system. and I'd tell her so to her face, I'd be very disappointed in my friend. I definitely not be happy for them I might even report her for unemployment fraud.
http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_report-unemployment-...
http://www.esd.wa.gov/uibenefits/communication/fraud/repo...

Dense P. For the record I turned down unemployment 11 yrs ago. Never have taken it and if I can help it never will. I don't believe the American public should pay me to do nothing.

Not at all. My friend was unemployed for about a year. and she struggled to pay bills and not all bills could be paid. and things like dr visits had to be put off. Unemployment isn't for vacations. It's to keep people's houses and feed their families. I would have a hard time with it if she was a friend of mine.

Yes, it's ok. That is why the system needs to cut people off sooner.

Not at all. She is abusing the system. I feel your friend is another example of why we need to enforce mandatory birth control for those on assistance along with drug testing. She should be banned from being able to claim Earned Income Credit on future tax returns as well since that is another major reason people do not come off of assistance and it could be a way of the government to get taxpayer money back. Not sure if your friendship can survive you being honest with her and only you will know if it worth losing that friendship by letting her know how you feel. One thing, she is not the only one doing this.

I would not be happy anout that and would most definitely find a way to tell her that I look down on this and that she is part of the problem in this country.

no-but just because they seem to do a lot and have a lot, doesn't mean that they have no debt and that it is all getting paid for.

You are envious because she has more money than you... plain and simple. This will go full circle tho. Adding an extra kid is a lot more expensive that what one gets with unemployment THAT WILL stop eventually. Be proud that you know how to manage and budget, she will need lessons from you in about a year from now. I think you can smile, knowing that :)

There are always inequities in life that we shouldn't be jealous of but in this case, she's abusing the system. I'd turn her in. Sorry but I would at this point. It's gone on so long and the nerve of them to make comments to you! How have you not said something about not collecting unemployment and how that makes a big difference to someone's finances...? So I don't think you're being mean and wouldn't even think it's mean if you turned her in. This country can not afford people on unemployment when they have no intention of working. It's taking money from all the rest of us working. Sure, it was insurance she paid for but all that catches up. Won't car insurance go up for everyone if tons of people start claiming their cars were stolen and insurance has to pay for them? Meanwhile they just traded cars or something w/ their brother? Same thing. She doesn't "deserve" unemployment.

It's ok to be jealous, but don't assume you know the whole situation or even the real reason she's staying on unemployment.

I was laid off one month after the birth of my son and was on unemployment for a year and a half, before I gave up on finding a full time job. I didn't tell people I was even on unemployment because for me it was embarrassing, but even more embarrassing was the fact that I couldn't find another job despite my experience and education. I've come to terms with it now, but it's still depressing when I think back on it.

And while I'm sure it's possible to "work the system," you do have to apply for jobs while on unemployment. You're breaking the law if you don't and they DO catch people cheating, so don't assume she's just working the system. She could be bragging just to make herself feel better about the whole situation.

It's just good old jealousy at work in my opinion. It's probably not that you don't think your friend deserves all this nice stuff, you just feel sore that you don't have it. If you also had the same kind of income etc, no matter if it was from your hubby's job or whatever, you wouldn't think twice about it. If it was girls weekend in Vegas and you were there, you would feel happy about it guaranteed. So let it go. If you harbor feelings of jealousy or resentment it will come out in the friendship. You may start getting extra judgmental toward your friend and she may start to notice you getting snippy or just being a little irritable toward her, and not know why. As far as them working the system, that's their business. Are you above doing it? If your friend was working the system but was barely making it would you care? I do think we should be happy for our friends or speak our minds clearly if there is something we don't agree with. If you honestly think she is doing something wrong, tell her and move on. If not, and it really sounds like the old green eyed monster at work, let her go and enjoy herself and be happy for her. The tables could turn and they could be down and out and you guys could be doing really well later on and she may deal with these same feelings. Hopefully they are saving some for a rainy day :D Good luck, and do try to be happy for your friend's good fortune, if you don't you will be the one getting bitter and resentful while she happily goes to the nail salon...take care!

It does seem all unfair, but don't be jealous. They could be in debt up the wazoo for all you know. They may not be making ends meet. In fact they pretty much could be living beyond their means. Maybe they choose to spend all their money and not plan for the future. Everyone has different priorieties. I have lots of friends who are like this and are so in debt it is crazy. There is no way I would ever be jealous of that. I understand though - we all want better and fun things. I get jealous like that too - mostly of my friends who's husbands can be home at normal hours and help out around the house. But I know in return, I have friends jealous of me at times too. We all want what someone else has.....
Anyhow, if she was laid off, she is entitled to the unemployment, even if her plans were different. If she was able to qualify for another year, but is still "not looking" then sad on her for using the system that way, but bad that the system allows for that too. Not saying what she is doing is right, because it isn't.
It is up to you what to do. You could talk to her about it, but I just don't think you will be friends afterwards. If it really bothers you, limit your relationship. If she asks, you can choose to say something about it or just say, oh, we have been busy.

I understand where you're coming from and probably would feel the same way..It isn't right what she's doing...Unemployment should be used for one thing and one thing only...to help people stay afloat until they can get another job...which clearly she isn't doing...Right now you can't do anything about it so let it go........You need to concentrate and get creative on how you can move beyond barely making ends meet. Can you work parttime? What do you do to save money?....Hugs I know it sucks when it seems easier for someone else while some of us struggle.

Just a quick response to Denise P. - It's abusing the system because when on unemployment you are supposed to be showing proof that you are actively trying to find a job. She has no intentions of working. Also, the employer gets dinged (the longer a previous employee claims unemployment the company has to pay a higher tax rate to the state for unemployment, some companies can forgo paying the tax, but then they have to reimburse the state dollar for dollar what their previous employee collects while on unemployment) when someone is on unemployment. So yep, total right to be angry.

That aside, Nicole hit the nail on the head. We don't always know what is going on behind closed doors. I had an acquaintance who seemed to be living the good life...turns out she was racking up credit card debt. They've paid the price for that so-called "good life", they lost their home and she doesn't have a job she thinks is good enough for her.

You don't need to be happy for them, but if there are other issues that aren't very moral, you may want to distance yourself. If that is the only thing, then maybe you can find a way to avoid the subject and enjoy hainging out and having playdates with your kids.

Hi D.,

I totally get where you're coming from. We have also sacrificed a ton so I can stay home with our three kids. It's not mean at all to feel that way. I would too and have felt jealousy over friends and family having so much when we work so hard and have so little. A lot of them have received big handouts from their parents so they can buy things/do things they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. I'd be really bitter though if I knew they were cheating the system. In reading your So What Happened comments it sounds like you have really found a way to put a positive spin on it. I have to constantly remind myself that being jealous and impatient is wrong and it's not doing me or my family any good. We could be a lot worse off than we are, and I too am thankful to God for all he has provided. You and your husband can live with a clean conscious knowing that you have what you have through honest, hard work. You'll be better off for it!

wow, your friend is totally taking advantage of the system!!! A person on unemployment shouldn't be going on vacations and disposing of so much of their income. I would turn her in, make an anonymous phone call. Or just be content with the fact that karma will, eventually bite her in the bum.

And this is one of the reasons I think they need to stop giving out extensions!

You are not mean; you are human. I would be disgusted too. I no longer associate with people who play the system because I can't get past the feelings they are moochers. I have 4 inlaws on disability and they don't deserve it.

I am with the rest of the posts i think its totally fine to feel a little jealous and mad, and i think if she asks you could tell her. Sounds like they could have made it without her getting unemployment. you don't have to draw a check.. she could chose to stop and it would be the right thing to do. Depending on how close you are i would consider telling her how you feel.

Remember, you created your circumstances of scrimp and making it work so you shouldn't envy someone who has found a way to stay afloat. You are worrying and JEALOUS about something that doesn't concern you. She paid into her unemployment, not sure how many years she worked but she is not taking something she's not entitled to. However, when her checks stop coming in, she will have to worry about Plan B, not you. So in that respect, just live your life without envy. Try to at least.

Hi D.,

I don't have any real advice here but just wanted to lend some support and say I think your husband sounds like a great guy and a hard worker. Maybe your friend's husband is a little sensitive about the fact that they have to rely on her unemployment to maintain their standard of living, and he deflects it by making comments about your husband's work habits? Or maybe he is just clueless?

Anyway, I think you have the real prize: a guy who's willing to commute to work by bus, and work his behind off to boot...I think if you guys keep channeling this energy in the right direction, and god willing the economy doesn't hold you back, you will jointly realize a lot of success in your lives.

You sound like an awesome team!!!

I can't condone that type of behavior either. my parents do the same thing (both of them) and still can afford daily Starbucks. It floors me, it pisses me off, it makes me mad they aren't more responsible, and I don't like any of it.

I had to stop talking to them... it became there was nothing left to talk about, b/c I couldn't support their decisions, or way of life. Sucks, but it was either that, or deal with these feelings of pissed-off-ness each time we spoke.

My answer probably didn't help a bit. guess I needed to vent too... Sorry!!!

Karma. Might take a while but do not worry she will get hers.

No, you are correct she is abusing the system. I would be not associating with them & if they ask why tell them straight up.

No your not being mean and you don't have to be happy for them. The fact you don't throw comments back at them about their luck getting government handouts shows your character. You could but you obviously don't or I'm guessing you would no longer be friends. I'm am (definitely) not agreeing with their acceptance of 2.5yrs of benefits; but in a way they are taking what has been made legally available to them and to me that's the biggest problem in this situation. It's the system that allows this not them being deceitful.

My sister did it too. Her unemployment lasted almost two years and she would call me every time she got an extension, knowing that it was making me increasingly angry. She blew through all the money, including spending some on a $5000 trip to Disney for her family. It took her well over a year just to dig up her old resume, let alone update it, or even start looking for a job. In the process, she would openly criticize other people and their spending habits, and make disparaging comments about me being too busy with my job and my education.

It was a steep, slippery slope where I went from being happy for her (she was making more money on employment than working because she didn't have to pay for daycare and got to spend more time with her kids) to wanting to throttle her for not seeing anything wrong with sitting on her butt, collecting checks while belittling me and my "so many jobs." I pay small business taxes which take a huge chunk out of my earning, and I felt like I should've just given her everything I made directly and just cut out the middle man. Needless to say, we don't speak anymore.

Trust me, it's very hard not get a little green around the gills in a situation like this ESPECIALLY with all the threats of a government shut-down due to lack of funds, many others struggling while she keeps on cashing paychecks with no ethical distress. No, there is no reason you need to be happy for her.

While I don't approve of taking advantage of the system, as your friend is doing, how would you feel if your friend's husband made as much money as his salary and the unemployment combined, and she had no unemployment? They'd still be in a better financial position than you, hair and nail appointments, vacations, the gym, second kid, etc. Would you feel any differently if her husband was earning all that money and they still had these luxuries? You made the decision not to work, not to bring in a salary and take the financial repercussions. Not everyone will be in the same financial position as you. I work and have friends who don't, and they're in a better financial situation! That's life. They get salon treatments, date nights at restaurants and vacations, and I don't. I don't feel resentment. Friends are not required to downgrade their lifestyle so as not to make you feel bad that you have less money.
Your friend is abusing the system and I don't condone that, but you're making comments about her husband and his work schedule. Is he working less because she is getting the unemployment checks? Probably not because they are still getting less money than when she worked.

I think it's human nature to look at someone using a loophole in the system and falling into what you would like to have. Additionally, if you're like me, you may bristle at people using the system. I also wonder what will happen when the checks stop. Will they have savings and a lifestyle to match or will they lose their new car or something? A lot of people can't afford what they do - not debt-free, anyway.

I would take a look around, too, and see if you have options. Without knowing you I also can't determine if your husbands have equivalent jobs, education, experience. Maybe finding a way for your DH to climb the ladder (if he wants, some people are just not manager material...I'm not, but my DH is) would help all of you.

You probably don't need anymore responses but I feel your pain and thought I'd try and lend some support. I hate it when peole take advantage of the system but I guess I can also understand not wanting to give up a certain lifestyle. I have a friend who hasn't had a job in several years. She received a rather large inheritance and goes on trips, date nights several times a month, weekends away from the child, hair appointments and has still had her child in daycare part time just for the heck of it. Sometimes I'm just jealous because I wish we could afford to take trips (with our kids), go on date nights and get my hair done. Then I remember that I am so thankful to be working, thankful that my husband is working, thankful that I have 2 beautiful daughters who are very loved and will have everything they ever need.

You don't have to be "happy" for your friend about collecting unemployment and all the other things but don't for a minute feel bad about your husband working longer hours or not being "fun". You are doing the best you can with what you have and all that is important is that your child knows they are loved. My friend and I have had our differences but we've been best friends for 17 years. Lucky for me she lives half across the country so I don't have to witness all the things I'm jealous of =)

I haven't read any of the other posts, but has anyone mentioned fraud? Sounds like it to me.

I couldn't be happy for a friend like that either.

Good luck.
~C.

I don't know, I think if I was in your friends situation I would have collected it too. After all, we do pay into it, so if I can recoup some of my money back then I am going to. I certainly wouldn't rely on that as income in order to be able to afford a second child. That's just silly thinking and is going to land them in a very tough spot someday when reality bites them in their behinds, and it certainly will!!

I think your friend must be a little clueless as to how her bragging about collecting unemployment makes you feel. Worse are the comments about your husband's working hours. I would take more offense to his comments than to hers. I guess if she is a good friend in all other aspects, I'd be willing to overlook this as her just not thinking about what she is saying, unless she is also critical of your choices. I'd have a hard time being happy for all their material gains too, human nature. But if she's a good friend, I'd try not to dwell on it too much.

So funny. I have dear friends in a slightly similar but not the same boat. I am a part time working mom with a 3 yo and 4 yo and baby #3 due May 9. My close friends had one of those sub prime mortgages and long story short did not end up paying any mortgage for 3 years while working on a re-finance/loan modification. Meanwhile, they had a second child, the mom is SAHM because she doesn't make enough to pay for childcare and because she wants to stay home with the kids. (SO DO I!!) Now they are different in that they were scrimping and saving too - her hubby now has a very good job making excellent money and they just got their modificaiton approved which means they are going to be very tight on bills. But yeah - I feel jealous that we work so hard and scrimp and save so much, hubby and I getting each other very little for holidays etc and they have lived rent free for 3 years. However, I know it is just jealousy and I still love my friends. I have another friend who's collecting unemployment while staying home with her baby due to being laid off in her 8th month... What can we do but maintain our own morals and integrity and try and push jealousy away...so hard! Easier said than done I know! So please understand I'm working on this too! :-)

But anyways...

All i have to say is that karma is a b****! Down the road this will come back to them in some way or form and the sacrifices your family has made will be worth it. I'd be pissed too--I work from home to help make ends meet while I have other friends that are SAHM that make use of food stamps and other benefits because of their reduced income, while planning on having rather large families--irks me some but that is not the way my family does things.

Its perfectly ok for you not to be happy for her. I guess what you have to decide is how important the friendship is. If it is very important to you, can you let it go that she is abusing the system? Or if it isn't important then tell her how you feel...