Serious Attachment/Seperation Anxiety Problem -Anyone Else Experienced This?
Updated on
February 16, 2007
Y.M.
asks from
Salem, OR
4
answers
Both of my children struggle with this within the household. They play and use their imaginations when I'm in the room with them, but as soon as I walk away, they follow. They will be miserable and bored to death as they hang and cry next to me eventhough I am ignoring them and have already re-directed them back to playing on their own. Sometimes I do include them in my chores around the house becuase I want to be a nice approachable Mommy. But, other times (a couple of times a day) I need to do something that I can not involve them in. It's usually something that requires a thought process uninterrupted or it's something that they will just mess up with their swishing ocotpus arms. So, I think they should be able to just continue to play without loosing it because I leave the room. They shower with me, potty with me, get the mail with me, unload the dishwasher with me, - they are always underfoot. And most of the time I'm patient, calm, sweet, and tolerant. But, honestly, it does get annoying sometimes. The most annoying thing is when I set them down to eat, and ofcourse I eat faster than them and have already engaged with them giving them attention when they eat, but I just want to break away to load the dishwasher or grap a load of laundry to fold while they finish up... but, as soon as I step away from the table, seperation anxiety steps in. The baby cries, throws her dish, puts the applesauce on her head. She can eat on her own, but wont if I'm not in her face helping her stay focused on it. My son, who's 3 will just walk away from the table. I direct him to sit back down and finish his meal again and again. He'll sit there and finish it when I'm right there telling him, "Now, take your nest bite....mmmm that was a good one....Oh, there's the next tasty bite... mmmm take that one." But, if I walk away to go potty real quick or something, he's off playing in his room. And I always say, "I need to go potty real quick (or answer the phone or whatever) you stay here and finish your meal." But, he seems to have to follow me and check up on me to see EVERYTHING that I'm doing.
The seperation anxiety isn't when I drop him off at daycare. He loves to go with the other kids. It mostly manifests itself in being underfoot in the house.
With the baby, she freaks when I leave the room and she can not be left with a babysitter. She cries unconsolable for hours. That means no more gym (work out time) for mom because she surpasses the 5 minute cry limit in the gym daycare. And that means no more church for Mom because of the same issue. She has survived being watched by the neighbor and my mother for 30 minutes each. Twice since the day she was born.
She's seriously attached to me because her brother is so aggressive. I am her almighty protector. So, I admit, I'm very guilt based with the way I coddle her.
I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this? and how long it takes for children to play on their own? And how you may have coped with it?
I had this problem with my youngest daughter when she was little.
One question: Do either of the children sleep with you? If not then you need to start leaving them with the neighbor or your mother for longer and see what happens.
My daughter got so bad that she would not even go to bed unless I was going to bed. She is 14 years old now, but I thought that I would never get through it. Her father was a big help as well, he would take her for walks and to the store with him just to give me a break.
I hope that this helps.
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K.S.
answers from
Seattle
on
Hi Y.,
I think each child is very unique in these matters. I can say that our 14 month will play by herself for a few minutes until she realizes we are gone. It is when she realizes we are gone that she begins to go looking for us. I think it is the nature of a child to want to be where the parent is. I can say that because I don't get frustrated with it, though i easily could, she doesn't do it as often. She can even play in her crib for 30 min or an hour before bed or after a nap without screaming to get out. I try to make a lot of areas that are not always fun more fun. For example, when we change her diaper, i sing her a song. When we get her dressed, i sing her a song. I have made a game out of climbing the stairs sometimes to go to bed. Also, this same game works for going downstairs to eat meals. My daughter LOVES music, and anytime I feel I am o frustrated with her, I just play some music that she loves. It seems to calm her down. If she is really tired, then she begins to get into things she knows she shouldn't and then I usually let her play in the crib until she falls asleep. Now, what works for me might be able to work for you too. Honestly, I don't know why it couldn't. You mentioned your son having aggresion, why do you think he is aggressive? Is it mild or just getting irritating and scary at this point? I think all kids can act out. Believe me, our daughter sometimes throws things out of her crib so we will come get them. However, we don't do that very often. We just let her lie down and calm down and eventually, usually fairly quickly go to sleep. Also, I can say from experience that if I have a bad day or am in a bad mood, so is my child. I cannot get over how emotionally connected she is with me specifically. She reacts to myhusband too, but since I am the one she is with all day, I notice most often. I have had to start calming down before I let my anger hit, and that has been very hard. I hope some of this advice helps.
Blessings,
K
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K.S.
answers from
Portland
on
How old are your children? I have 4 daughters, 21, 19, and almost 3 yr old twins. My 19 year old daughter was stuck to me like glue until she was about 3. She didn't even want Dad much. My 21 year old daughter was very independent. The twins are both very different. One is a mommy's girl, but will willingly spend time with others as well. The other is a daddy's girls and very slow to warm up to others. I found people I trusted when my 19 year old was young and I would make a point to leave her with a couple different people for longer periods of time each time I left her. I always told her I'd be back and kissed her good-by then I left and didn't linger or drag it out. Fortunately the friends I had then were also moms and very patient, tolerant and understanding and were able to work with my daughter to gain her trust and eventually she became more secure and trusted that I would return. When at home, however, I had to deal with her clinginess more cuz she knew I was there and her older sister wasn't always the nicest playmate. K
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S.S.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
I'm going through the same thing with my two year old son. It does helps if you get dad involved and let him take them off your hands for awhile. I know it can be very overwhelming to not have a minute to yourself it's very stressful. It's hard enough to do the things we need to do much less have a couple of babies on your heels to make the jobs unbearable at times. You could start by keeping up your workout routine it will help you with stress and make you feel better after it becomes a routine with them staying with dad while you work out they'll get used to it and be ok. I've noticed with my son if he has a routine he deals with the seperation better because he used to it. They will still cry when you leave but, just keep in mind that your taking care of them by taking care of yourself and that they will survive an hour with dad if you work out. It's easy to say because I know the guilt you feel, but you have to remember that it's good for them to spend quality bonding time with dad too and so they can learn that dad can also soothe them. It will be hard at first better the whole family will be better off in the long run. Good luck.. S.
