Seperate Invitations for Identical Twins

A.,

It seems to me like this should be treated like any other one sibling invited, and another not. It's a little harder since the siblings are twins, but still. I think you have the answer to your own question as to why one was invited and the other not. Twin A is a little more mature and got invited. Twin B isn't there yet and wasn't. This is a good learning experience for twin B. Yes, it's disappointing that you don't get to go, but you'll get to do things that your sister won't.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

My best friend at that age was an identical twin and we did things together all the time (without her sister). We went to a small school that only had one class for each age, so when it came to birthday parties, most all girls were invited to all parties (so we never had the same party situation you are in). But when it came to sleep-overs and hanging out, we had many that were just the two of us while her sister and she spent time with her best friend.

I think because they have been in separate classes for 3 years, they would naturally have slightly different groups of friends. I would leave this decision up to the girls. Your one daughter is not invited (and you know this wasn't an oversight) so unfortunately, she cannot go. It's up to her sister to decide if it's an "all or nothing" situation. If it bothers her, she should be the one to tell the girl who is having the party. If it doesn't bother her, then she should go.

If your one daughter does go to the party, why don't you have a sleep-over at your house the same night of the party. Let your daughter who's not going invite her best friend over and they can have their own fun. Instead of focusing on what she's missing out on, she be growing HER friendships and strengthen her self-esteem.

I'm going to guess that one of your girls is more outgoing and naturally seeks more friends. Don't worry about who has more friends. Many, many people are happy with only one or two really close friends in life. Work on their self-esteems and respect for themselves and others, and pay attention to whether or not they are getting chastised or bullied. The number of friends is not nearly as important as the kind of friendships they are having. Having a large "click" of friends doesn't always mean they are having true friendships. :-)

Hey A.! Your girls sound adorable, and seem to be developing into two very different people. I would accept that it is possible that one twin will be more "popular" than the other. Teach them now in small doeses how to cope. Teach the one how to be sensitive to her sisters feelings if she is left out, and teach the other with a smaller deeper group of friends how to cherish and value that, while being happy for her sister whose social life looks different (and not to think less of herself because her social circle may be smaller/deeper).

I think that it is really important for us as parents to use this kind of thing as an opportunity to teach our kids that sometimes one will have something and the other does not. The character quality of being happy for the other when something good happens (even if that something didn't happen to them too) is really important. And it is especially difficult when the kids are twins. I think we have a view that they will grow up super close and have all the same friends and hang out together forever. Until a man chooses one over the other...or like your situation, a friend chooses one over the other.

Especially when they are small, they should be learning in small less traumatic doses -- from you, because you love them (if they have to learn it from experiences out in the world, it might not be such a gentle learning process!) -- that they are different people, and as such may be treated differently by you when you think it is appropriate and that you may choose to give them different things or grant different privileges when you think it is appropriate. This way when it happens out in the world (because it will), they will have already experienced it in a loving environment, and know how to positively respond - both internally and externally.

Allow them to experience these things in a manner controlled by you (this situation is perfect!) and use it to teach them the right responses. Teach the one how to be sensitive to her sister, teach the other how to respond internally (not to think there is anything wrong with her, but to begin to realize that they both will have some same and some different friends.

This challenge is perfect, A.! It could be a GREAT teaching/training opportunity!

I think that you already made the decision by putting them in different class rooms. It looks like you did wanted them to have separate lives and it might be a good thing. I'm not an expert on that and I have no advice about it. My thought is if you did that at first place, than you should carry on. They have different personalities, so they will have different friends and lives anyway. May be it is time to let them know it by your actions. In your situation I would let the one that is invited go and plan something fun for the one that is left at home. If you call the other mom she might understand you and MAKE her doter invite both, but than how you will make the other girl like your other doter? You might make more damage to her feelings enforcing that invitation. The girls could be very mean when they don't like someone. They will find a way to show her that even if she is there, she is not wanted. How the unwanted one will feel? What about if her sister decide to stay on her friend side and hurt her sister's feelings? These are just my thoughts and as I sad I'm not an expert. Go back and try to remember why you wanted them to have separate lives and if you still feel the same - let them have separate lives. Hope I was helpful. Good luck with your decision!

I would have to agree with the others. I think it should be up to the one invited if they want to go. They are going to get all kinds of seperate invites as they grow up. I'm surprised it has just happened at 11 years old and not before this. I also thing the other response is right, that if you make the child invite both the girls might not be very nice to the one she "had" to invite. Girls can be onery that way :).
good luck!

I'm surprised you've made it to 11 years old and not encountered this already! My girls are only 4 and 6 and already have to deal with this. They so often play with the same friends together that when a birthday party invite comes for the 6 year old I often have to tell my 4 year old that her turn will come soon enough.

If your invited daughter feels bad that her twin was not invited, or for any other reason doesn't want to go without her, then let them both stay home. But I don't see why you can't let one go and not the other. It's the first of many lessons about how each person has different opportunities and experiences in life - whether they're a twin or not! Maybe your uninvited daughter can get together with her good friend that evening to play.

You expected that the girls would form separate friendships as they become older. Although you're concerned with the consequences of the twins' social development, now is the time to help them deal with the hurt feelings that may arise when one is invited to an event and the other is not. If you say "both or none" now, when will you stop? When the girls are 12? 15? 17 (imagine yourself saying that one cannot go to the senior prom if the other doesn't have a date)? Having a pizza and movie night with the twin staying home or letting her invite a close friend to sleep over would help her feel better and assure her that she's someone people like and want to spend time with.

Your story takes me back to my own childhood friendship with twin girls whom I met when I was 11. In our small social group's mind, one of the twins was much more pleasant to be around (no comparison to your girls intended ;^). However, the mother had a strict "both or none" policy. While I hope we treated the less-liked girl kindly, I know we must have missed the mark sometimes (I distinctly remember her always being assigned the role of Bosley in our Charlie's Angels fantasies). Consider that your daughters' friends may not always fully include the twin "forced" upon them at a social event.

I have twin girls that are still toddlers but I grew up with twins, my mother and my father are twins and so I'm going to have to agree with most of your responses. They need to be treated as individuals. My two oldest children have had times when one of them was not invited to a party (17 months apart)and yes it made them sad but we worked through it...because that's life. I have never treated my twin girl friends as anything but individuals...in fact I like one the best and her mom never made me feel bad for liking one more than the other.

This is a great opportunity for your other twin to not have to feel that she has to "be" the same as her sister. If you can, make sure she doesn't make the other feel guilty for wanting to go to the party, either. Teach her to be excited when one of her sibblings get to do something fun...it's a great lesson in life not to be selfish and to think of others.