Separation Anxiety at Almost 4 Years Old?

Sometimes kids will go through another separation anxiety phase between 4 and 6. So it is no abnormal and you can relax a bit. It is a phase, but you need to help her get through it.

You need to remind her verbally that you know she is scared but you are leaving and you will be back and then go. Don't look back. Don't stay a minute longer. Don't forget something.

As far as the car thing. Have her help you do some of the things you need to do in the morning. Then put her in the car, tell her you are know that she is scared about you leaving once she is in her car seat, but you are not going to do that. Then walk slowly around the car. Do not rush...etc.

She is just more aware that you might not come back. You need to show her that you will, by going away and coming back again and again.

Good luck.

Could it be that in preschool they have talked about stranger danger? Sometimes teachers accidentally scare kids a bit with this. Or perhaps someone in her class is experiencing a loss or something. Could be as simple as watching a tv show that dealt with a death, or someone missing. At that age the news can even be scary. For the most part does she settle down after awhile? Little kids get all kinds of fears for no reason at all and all of a sudden they are gone as quick as they started. I'd give it a little time and keep your eye on what she is watching, what's going on at school...the end of the school year may have something to do with it too. Sometimes kids think that ending means other things are ending too. They are at a very literal age in the 3s and 4s. It's probably just a stage :)

I think talking to your doctor and the day care people is a great idea. That amount of anxiety seems abnormal to me, and maybe they have ideas of how to help her, or would know what to look for if there was another cause.

It strikes me that you may be encouraging her anxiety by supporting her in it so much, though. Your description of buckling her in, and then 'running to get in the car' is what gives me this idea. By responding this way you are giving her the message that her anxiety is merited, which might be making it stronger, not better. Maybe you can see other places where this might be true - such as if you coddle her when you drop her at daycare, or if you make a big fuss when you leave her with grandparents?
Perhaps one approach to try is a really slow and gradual desensitization. The car would be easy to start with - just explain that you will be in the car in a second, then work up to taking your time to get to the car, to grabbing something off the counter before you get in the car, etc. Each time remark on how you said you would be there in a second, and then you were. Praise her when she waits calmly for you, but don't cuddle and apologize when she doesn't.
Just an idea.

Hi H. -

My kids have all gone through different phases of separation anxiety. What I've found is that it generally comes and goes throughout their first 5 years. It tends to increase when they're approaching a birthday. It also increases if I'm away too much. You are your daughter's security at this age. The best thing you can do is not resist her and to just keep her with you as much as you can. A lot of parents think that if they force separations that the child will get over the anxiety faster, but that doesn't really help. She will outgrow this in a healthier way if you are sensitive to her needs right now, no matter how irrational they may seem to you and no matter whether she's done better in the past.

Blessings,
J. (mom of 5)