Selfish Husband

I'm making an assumption about what you mean by self absorbed and selfish, so I hope I've got the idea, if not just ignore my post :-)

I have found with my husband that he responds much better to my request for help then to me nagging and complaining. I guess it's a man thing to want to be a problem solver and "save the day" so instead of me getting frustrated and complaining to my husband about him watching TV when I need help with the kids or whatever I just say "Honey, I'm really at my wits end could you take the kids for awhile?" or "Sweetheart, I'm not going to be able to finish cleaning the bathrooms and make dinner could you please help me out?"

I know we all want those men who instinctively know what needs to be done but a lot of them just aren't like that. My husband assumes I've got it under control and he's free to do what he needs/wants to unless I tell him otherwise.

Good luck,
K.

I have no easy answer for you but I find it ironic....Women marry men and EXPECT them to change (they never do)...Men marry women and HOPE they do not change (they always do).

I am sorry for your dilemma but after this many years I think deep down you probably know this is the man he is and he is not changing. If he cannot put you and his kids first then you either need to accept it or get marriage counseling or something. He probably do not see this the same way you do...understand that he may not realize how this hurts you especially if this has happened for this long. Sounds like lack of communication plays a big factor as well.

Good luck.

I agree, ask him what childcare arrangements he has made since he is the one with the kids on Mondays. Remember the saying-it isn't babysitting when it's your kids!

You need to let him know in a polite and calm way that you don't appreciate him making travel plans like with and not checking with you first. What would he do if the shoe was on the other foot and you left for a few days and didn't ask him if he was ok with it?? Marriage is a two way street and sometimes when you hit a bump or there is an intersection, you have to work together and make compromises!

Good luck!
S.

Well, he is either self-centered or just plain oblivious. On a certain level, you need him to tell you why he thought it would be no big deal if he left the children without childcare on Monday. Perhaps he feels his sense of self-identity being lost amid daddy duties and putting himself first helps reaffirm his sense of identity? Maybe he feels that he works hard enough and what he does for the family isn't appreciated or noticed, and these 'selfish acts' are his way of rewarding himself? Maybe this is his way of keeping himself content and satisfied in a longterm marriage... Afterall, there is a certain amount of mundane routines that form in longterm marriages, especially when your juggling work and parenthood. Perhaps this behavior is a way he fights off boredom? You probably need to have a conversation with him, not in regard to 'hey, I need you to change/stop doing this' but more in order to try and figure out his perspective and how he justifies acting upon whatever he wants, when he wants it.

K.,

I can give you better advice if you tell me what your husband has done to upset you.

Since I don't know, all I can say right now is this - people don't change. Not usually. Sit him down and have a heart to heart w/ him. If that doesn't work, try marriage counseling (or just you go). Good luck, and feel free to elaborate about what your husband does to upset you.

If he's always been selfish and self-absorbed, I hate to say it, but you kinda knew what you were getting.
I answered a post the other day with a true story about a friend of mine who is considering legal separation because the man she's been with for 7-8 years didn't change when they got married and had the kids either.
I mean, there's something to be said about taking things more seriously when you're married and have a family, but the truth is, those two things in and of themselves don't "change" someone's personality.
I don't know what it is about us women sometimes thinking "if we get married, things will change. If we have kids...things will change. If I lose weight, thigs will change. If I keep the house cleaner, things will change."
That's what we think in OUR minds, but it's the furthest thing from the other person's mind.

All I can say is to try to work more on communication. You may have a right to complain, but I can promise you, men are experts at tuning out what they hear as complaining or nagging.
Try talking about your feelings as opposed to saying "you do this or don't do that".
I love my husband and her friend very much, but it's hard to see the way they interact. He knows what pisses her off so then she gets TRIPLE pissed and it's just a losing battle, I'm afraid.
Good communication and not trading jabs is the best way to go.

Best wishes.

When you talk to him about it, try not to make it about him like you are attacking him, I used to do this and he shut down on me. Recently I changed tactics and it seems to have worked. I say stuff like, "I feel like we are not connecting anymore" or "I feel like me and the ids are not important to you" If you make it about your feelings then he should be more willing to listen. Good luck

There is an old saying about relationships. Women go into relationships hoping the man will change... Men go into the relationship hoping the woman won't. If he was this way before, he will more than likely always have those tendencies. Men do not have motherly instincts that kick in with kids. They just realize they aren't getting as much of your attention and find other ways to satisfy that need. Don't hold it against him if you have a pretty good marriage. I have actually found applying some of the tools from the Happiest Toddler on the Block to my husband works. Of course I don't tell him I'm doing this, but whatever the solution. :-P

GL and try to remember QTIP (quit taking it personally). :)

So Sorry to hear your having problems in your marriage. I too married a selfish man. He has always did what he wanted and when he wanted. It put a very large strain on our marriage. I knew how he was when I married him, but loved him just the same. About six months ago, I game to the end of my rope. He was always doing what he wanted and I felt it was up to me to pick up the pieces. I was very unhappy. I picked up a book called the Love Diary. It helped me alot, on my own issues with our marriage. It also gave me the strength to sit down with him calmly and explain what his action did to me and made me feel. I just told him he made me feel like I was the last thing on his list. The kids are effected by it also. I think it was a real eye opener for him. He never knew how his going all the time, made me feel. Since then he has tried to make more of an effort in communication and let me know what his plans are. I also have learned to voice my opion more and lot letting things build up. So my suggestion is to talk. What could it hurt? Try it and just pray that you can make this thru. Good luck to you

First get the following book, it could help you figure out your life. " Finding real love by Greg Bair MD.
Second, ask yourself, can I love this man...all of him including his selfishness as a part of him, or do I have expectations...does he have expectations of me?
Is it fair if either of us have expectations of the other...
I speak from experience and a broken home now, my now ex husband left me when our son was nine months old because he wasn't happy, he used to go out and do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, he made decisions and I was expected to go with them or be left on my own.
I wish I had read the book i have recommended to you before I ever met him, it could have saved me a lot of heartache. ( but I wouldn't trade my son for any of it). I hope you read it , I am not promising it will fix things but it may help you make decisions you need to make for yourself and your family.
Best of luck

Hi K.,

I'm a little unsure as to whether there is a question you have. You sound like you are just a little frustrated so you may just be venting.

Have you tried talking to your husband without being accusatory. Just talking to him about what you would like him to do. It's hard for people to change, but pretty much impossible if they don't know what they are doing that upsets you.

Sometimes you can't expect someone else to change, but you can change in how you deal with it.

Maybe you could offer an example of what upsets you and what you would like and specifically ask us Mom's where you want advice.......

Also, most men have the ability for their lives to continue as before after children because they have great wives who make the kids their number one priority. I am a women's libber, but there is no way around it. In my book 9 out of 10 times Mom's have the better instincts when it comes to raising kids. Sometimes Dad's just need a little direction.

:)

K.,

It sounds like your husband does not respect you much. He lives in his own little bubble without any responsibilities even though he has a family to consider. I've seen a few relationships with one spouse acting as your husband does and they've usually ended when the 'single parent' decides they've had enough. Allowing him to treat you like this is not good for your self-esteem or your marriage.

I hope you can find professional and/or peer help and start improving the situation. Change takes time and everyone should get a second chance, but first your husband should be made aware of the consequences of his actions and he should be genuinely willing to work on your relationship.

Good luck!
LV

It's interesting you said that you thought it would "change" after marriage and kids. Marriage certificates rarely change peoples values, only their marital status. It would be fantastic if a piece of paper could make a selfish b*&t*rd a loving, caring man, but unfortunately it does not.
So now you are married to this selfish, immature man and he is on your last nerve. I really don't think he would be the type to tolerate you suddenly leaving on a vacation of your own, although tit-for-tat seems like a good idea, it rarely calms a situation. I think a good counselor/pastor is in need here. Maybe if you could create a good line communication with him, you'd be able to tell him how you need to be able to depend on him for certain things and how him just packing up and leaving on a whim doesn't work for the family unit.
Anyway, best of luck to you.

Google NVC, or Non-Violent Communication, to learn a mutually-respectful process for talking to your husband about your feelings and needs. It only takes one to use it, and is very effective.

Why should your husband give up golf just because you got married? Why should you give up your hobbies just because you are married?
If you are the only one to sacrifice, the marriage is over. The two of you need to decide how the hobbies fit into the mix. The marriage is #1 then the kiddos, then the hobbies. Time for you to pick up golf, or take the kiddos to play golf, etc... What about you? What do you do?

So what are you going to do about it?

When he gets back are you going to just hold it in and not say anything?

I hope you will have a talk with him and let him know what YOU need.
Are you upset about the amount of money being spent? About the time away from the family? Upset because he never asks your permission or at least ask what your plans are? He does not help around the house?

Make a list and speak with him.
Make him come up with some solutions.
I am concerned because you are spending $900 (or however much) a month on golf.
You play golf 2 times during the week and again all day on Saturday, I feel like we do not get to spend enough time with you. Could you cut out 1 game a week so we can plan some fun stuff as a family?

When you plan a trip out of town, I need to be given at least 2 weeks notice. It takes time to find help, to find a babysitter.. I am concerned about the amount of money this golfing trip is costing. Can you skip golf in town to make up for the money spent?

I need more help around the house. I need you to vacuum every 3 days. Also to clean the bathrooms.. To bathe the kids each night so I can clean up after dinner.. If you cannot help, I need to hire a house keeper to come in at least once a week. I think we can afford it, since you can afford all of the golfing. I can also hire a lawn guy since you do not have time to take care of the lawn and spend time with us.

I agree with LV's comment.
I used to be married to a man like that. He's still like that.
It's in their nature. No matter how many times you bring it to their attention, go to counseling, go to marriage seminars, etc and he seems to understand and promises to give more notice, make more time, try harder, etc, if he makes any changes, it's only temporary.
It's like they're hard-wired to be like that.
And things didn't get better when we had children either. They almost seemed to get worse.
Of course, the ex-husband had other flaws too including being disrespectful but the selfishness on a constant and daily basis was a huge problem which led to the other problems that followed and therefore, the divorce was inevitable.

I'm by no means saying your marriage will end in divorce. I'm just sharing my experiences.

I truly wish you good luck in everything!

Well why not turn it on him and say i'm going to do this and leave him with the kids and oh got to go by maybe i'll be a wake up call...........good luck

I agree with the other responses. Be so sweet and supportive of his golf trip and go ahead and pack the kids bags too. Smile so sweetly and say, "Oh, I thought you were taking the kids since you usually have them on Mondays!" And while you are at it, go ahead and tell him of your mini-trip you have planned for youself for the following weekend, and once again smile and say "Don't forget the kids have these activites they go to!" Hopefully he will recognize his behaviors and how they feel when the shoe is on the other foot.
In our house, we have family meetings to discuss things that aren't working out for everyone involved. Everyone gets to voice their concerns and together we work on a solution. One thing that is a rule is that if it is not written on the family calendar, it is not an activity we are going to. This keeps our busy family aware of what everyone's activities are going on. We also do a lot to foster a team mentalitiy for our family. "Work together" is something we say a lot!

Read the article "Mad at Dad" you can google it. This is so common and so frustrating. You need to talk to him and if that doesn't work plan your own mini-vacation and put him in charge of the house for a while so he can see what it's like.

I don't think he will change, it is who he is and who you married. One shouldn't go into a marriage expecting the person to change drastically (yes change little things over the years and grow but not to the extent you want). For me it would have been a red flag having to wait 7 years to be married...it's probably something he felt he had to do but didn't really want to give up his freedom. Some men, sadly, simply don't want to grow up and be resposible. They want carefree lives forever. I doubt he would agree to go to counseling with you but if he would that would be a great start. If you can get him to do it with you (or if you can't get him to then go by yourself because it can help just you) make sure you find a cognitive behavior therapist, they are the best at helping people find answers in my opinion. Many are covered by insurance too. Sorry I'm not much help, I just think it's one of those "you married him that way" situations that has no easy solution until (and if ever) he's ready to make a change.

This actually just happened to me this week. My husband decides on Tuesday (after I ask a question about the weekend) to tell me he goes to Ohio this weekend for the Hall of Fame event and leaving Thursday morning. I work and he keeps kids during day and he works evenings when I stay home with kids. He never planned on what to do with the kids Thur/Fri or consider the fact I would have them all weekend alone. He booked this airline ticket in January and never told me so he had plenty of time! I'm at a complete loss as well. It sounds more to me like you are just venting (as I am). Before he left last night I told him we were going to clear the slate if he was going and we came to an understanding. When he gets home he is going to a therapist and we really talked things through. This is the first time in 12 years we have talked it out. But, I still feel betrayed because this was a 8 month lie. And, I feel he never pays because all he had to do was talk a little and still gets to go. I honestly feel his trip should have been canceled. But, that is a fine line to cross. Your choice is to be pissed off, which does us no good, leave them, but where does that get us, or try to work it out. I also agree with going somewhere on your on, but if you're like me you like to go on vacation with your husband if you are going to take the time off work and spend the money to go. This is my husbands third trip in three years by himself. Good luck and I hope you find peace with whatever decision you two make!