Seeking Your Expertise

Those transitions are always tough! You could try a reward system of some kind, such as a "reward jar" where he gets to pick something out anytime he leaves without a fuss, and fill it with stickers and other small prizes. I would still use the 5-minute timer and talking with him beforehand about expectations and rewards for good behavior. And even while he's playing, you could remind him here and there about when you will need to leave, etc. The other option is to keep something in the car that he'll look forward to seeing again, such as a favorite toy - or hearing, such as a book on tape from the library. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Your son is nearly 3-1/2...this sounds normal. In Gesell and Ames' book "Child Behavior" there is a chapter called "ages and stages," and this is probably the most challenging stage (though two's get all the attention somehow).
It sounds like you're on the right track with telling him your expectations, giving him plenty of advance notices as the time approaches, and allowing him to have his protesting feelings about his sadness upon leaving his fun time. Sometimes a healthy snack with one of the warnings that there are "five more minutes to play before we say 'goodbye' and get into the car" really can help to ease things and help him cope.
It really does pay to be patient yet firm. Once he knows you do mean you're leaving, he will feel safer about everything turning out ok.

Dear CL:
Your three year old child has no concept of time when you tell him in 5 minutes his activity will be changing. Instead tell him that the family is going to...(eg. the grocery store and you need his help to pick out yummy food or Gramma's house to play and have fun.) Approach any change of activity as...This is what we're doing. So let's go. Do not waiver is your authority. He does not get a vote! When a tantrum occurs and you give him your attention during the tantrum or you cave in and give him what he wants, he is winning the power struggle. Just think...he'sa only 3 now. Next time this behavior occurs practice turning and walking 15 feet away and tell him, "I want to talk with you. Use your words. No crying and stomping." Show him you are the parent through your assertiveness parenting. No hitting or shouting over his tantrums are required.
Also when it comes to carrying him at his weight and age, let him walk and climb into the car or truck and sit himself in the car seat. He can do it and wants to be a big boy!
A little about be....Mother of two boys (18 and 13) and Special Ed. teacher.

This was a big problem for a time because I had 3 children with in 2yrs of each other.(Daughter was 2 yrs older than her twin brothers.)
What finally worked for me was first doing some sit down discussion at the kitchen table. I let them know that they would receive a warning that we would be leaving( I would give a five minute warning that actually lasted a bit longer. I then would say "3 minutes" and later "1 minute") At one minute they needed to leave. If they didn't come with me at that time they would be facing the possiblity of losing the chance to go play next time. I worked it out with a babysitter if I needed it.
The next time we went to the park I started our plan but one of my son's refused to leave. I then knelt down with him and quietly told him that I was going to count from 3 to 0 but if I reached 0 and he wasn't walking toward the car, he would not be joining us the next time we came to play.(I didn't tell him that he would go with the babysitter because I thought that I might like that) I just had to count down to 1 and he stood up and quickly joined his siblings.
I never had to back up my threat of no play but they didn't stop trying once in a while to see if I would let them slide. Also from past happenings they knew that they could trust that I would follow through on what I said.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Hello CL;

I read your dilemna about your son. I have four children, 2 adults and two teenagers. I have two sons and two daughters, I experienced the different things about the boys and girls thru experienced raising and growing up with them. I am a home mom and very active volunteering in their schools and extra curricular activities. I would like to share with you a little bit of me and I hope you won't mind? Being a mother and having a children are the most precious accomplishment of our life being a woman. But this is a challenging and very hard job that I ever accepted in my life. My second eldest son is difficult and had a similiarity with your son, but I did not give up and I try my best to comfort him and give him love,attention,rewards when he done good things. I try different things to see which one works or not. My advised is you have to be firm and but lovingly mom, because children now a days are very much and they know how to push us especially only one child. When my son is doing the same thing like your son, I will put him in a car and he will have a tantrum and very difficulty and sometimes I got frustrated but I totally ignored those behavior and let him calm down then talk to him that if he calm down and follow instruction from you, you will reward him for being good. I also believed on teaching them the consequences of their actions. We have to enforced the rules and regulations on our children when they're growing up as part of their daily routine because it will be easy for you when you sent up the rules and regulations on your son at the younger age. Remember we are the mother of this child and we would like to brought this child in this world to be a fine young man or young lady but not perfect because there is no such thing as perfect. Even thought your son is young, find some good interests or hobby that he likes to do then challenge him. Would you believe that I challenged all my four children in Sports,Music,Art and academic is the number one priority. They need to learn a balance life when they're growing up, since I am a housewife and taking care of my four children, I arrange their schedules and I chose what they like to do or wanted to do. Two of my daughters are played 5 musical instruments and my younger son is also played 5 musical instruments but my eldest son is also a musician but he was very strong to an art so I enrolled him to an extra curricular Art Lesson at my local civic center. Also all of them are in Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts because this is the best group to grow up with their peers. It is better for the children to challenge in every different varieties of activities. They're also honor students and two girls are in a Gate Program for advance students. I got them involved with Band Program in school from elementary thru high school in Marching Band and they competite to a differents high schools and traveled also. I chaperone with four of my children with every field trip they went to. I teach Art in elementary as a volunteer from elementary thru 8th grader. We used to traveled out of town every weekends with the children and take them to LakeArrowhead because we have house there. We do skiing,Snow boarding,or even playing in a snow. We took them to travel in Asia,Europe,Costa Rica and visited every museaumn in town. We traveled with them also in Alaska,New York,Washington D.C.,visit the gold mine in Sacramento,California. Maybe you can approach him in a different matter by talking to him first that you will go to a party or park first them ask him what he likes to do afterwards then response to his request. Teach him to learn how to think and negotiate and see if this suggestion will work. Because I try those negotiation with my children and it works with me and them. Have him feel special and important boy at his age. The other approach to him is make a bargain with him that you will reward him to take him in a restaurant or theme parks only if he show his good behavior when you went to places or party. Please let me know what happen? Good luck and be patient and understanding to your son, he is a precious child except he is a challenge for you to raise.

A.

My daughter had a very hard time transitioning also. Her preschool teachers noted it everytime I spoke with them--and you are right, it can be so embarrasing! My heart goes out to you! My advice may seem a little harsh, but it really really worked and I only had to do it once, and you can't pull it off just anywhere, but here is what I did:
I was getting very sick of my daughter not listening when I said it was time to go ( I did the 5 minute warning/countdown always). We happened to be at a doc's office where the parking lot butts up right onto the path to the offices seperated by some landscaping including a small waterfall and stream that both my children loved, but would never want to leave. I told me daughter it was time to go and she actually RAN from me, she said nothing, but clear about her wishes to stay! I followed her and firmly stated we were done tossing pebbles into the stream and it was time to go NOW. I grabbed her hand to lead her to the car (her older brother, who has always transistioned beautifully, was already at the car waiting for us because I had said it was time to go!). My daughter pulled the ole' "floppy kid" on me and went limp and dropped to the ground crying and fussing and saying she did not want to go. So guess what I did? I said "well it is time to go and I am leaving. BYE." I turned and walked away from her to my car which was parked only about 10 feet away (the reason I felt I could turn my back on her and walk away). I got to the car and turned to look at her --she was TOTALLY happy and picking up pebbles, ignoring me. I stated once more, "It is time to go NOW. BYE!". I opened my car door, I got my son and myself in. I shut the door and looked out the windshield. My 3 year old had stopped what she was doing and was looking at me a bit confused. I waved and STARTED MY ENGINE and put it in gear and backed out about 2 feet!!!! OHHH BOY did that get her attention! Her face was so shocked, she began to wail, she dropped her pebbles and began to come toward the car. I kept the car idling, put it in park and I got out, picked her up, placed her in her carseat. She was crying hard and complaining about how I was leaving her (she was advanced verbally for 3). I got back in the car and simply stated "I told you it was time to go, I am late for where I need to be, I warned you and you did not listen. YOU could have chosen to get into the car. If you are not going to listen to me when it is time to go, I will have no choice but to leave you." That was the last time it EVER happened to the extent it had been happening. We had a few moments in the weeks following where she was reminded by me of the time I had to get in the car without her--and it always snapped her back to attention! From then on I simply needed to say "bye, I'm leaving" and turn my back to go and miracles of miracles she would stop what she was doing and follow me! NOW PLEASE KNOW the place where I did this was VERY safe. There were no other cars around, my car was parked-literally-right up to the mini landscaping "stream", filled with about 1/2 inch of water, there was no place for her to run off to that she could have been hurt before I could get to her---the perfect place for me to pull something like this off to get my point across. Obviously not something you can do at a park where your car is far away or in a store where you can't leave your kid for even a minute! ALSO you can't do this half way---DO NOT threaten to leave and not do anything--just walking away does not always work, I have friends who tried that and it makes it worse. BUT If you start to pull out and your child does not care--it obviusly won't work and you have to go get your kid!!! Anyway...in general--you must do what you say (I used this in all my parenting--CONSISTENCY is the key to all I have done raising my now 10 and 13 year old kids who are very RESPECTFUL, good natured and secure in the world around them--my daughter always KNEW and KNOWS I love her and "leaving" her at the doc's office did not give her abondonment issues or make her think I did not love her--on the contrary I believe it showed her I am not wishy washy and it bonded us more!). OK not sure if you can find a place where you can do this, and I know I may get some slack for my advice from others--but believe me the proof is in the pudding--I cannot tell you how many compliments I get on my kids behavior or their dispositions etc.....the screaming 3 year old my daughter was does not exist BUT I truely think if I did not nip it then, she would be a brat now!!
Good luck and be strong and be consistent in your authority! Kids need boundries and need to see you are the adult to feel secure and loved. The world is a scary place for a lil guy--they need to feel somebody has a handle on things, and that somebody needs to be you!

Hello CL,

I understand your frustrations. When your boy starts screaming, people look at you with what seems to be judging stares. But, believe me, ever parent I have talked to have these same feeling when their kid acts up- and believe me, 90 percent of all kids act up at some time or another. It has nothing to do with your parenting. However, how you deal with it is your parenting.

Your boy is three years old. I agree that he does not fully understand language or the concept of time enough to reason with him. But, he does understand "time to go home." Of course, he doesn't want to go home. He's having fun. Who wants to leave when they are having a great time? It's completley understandable that he is unhappy to leave. However, he is three and he doen't understand the reasons why you have to leave when you do. He doesn't know that you need to go gocery shopping, or go to the bank. He doesn't understand, and at 3 he doesn't care. But, you are the parent. He does need to understand that what you say goes. If you tell him to stop when he starts running into a street, he needs to learn that what you say is important and he needs to learn that you are the boss. So, tell him next time you are going to a park etc, that you will give him a 10 minute warning. ) he won't understand 10 minutes, but he will know that the time is coming soon) Then you will leave. If he puts up a screaming fit, simply pick him up and carring him to the car. He will kick and scream, but carry him to the car. Depending on the will of your child, you might have to do this several times. If he doesn't stop, stop taking him to fun places. He will start to understand that he is not the one in control, you are, and the cost of having a fit will be too exspensive for him to continue. Good luck!!

We had, and still sometimes have, a similar issue with our 5-year-old son. We actually consulted a parenting coach out of sheer frustration. She said he may be one of these kids that doesn't transition well, so a transition object may be helpful. For example, have a book or toy in the car that they can engage with when they get there. Remind him about it as you approach the car. Or perhaps have a ball that he bounces on the way to the car. Or count your steps or sing songs as you go to the car. The idea is to disengage him from one activity so he can transition into the next activity.

We also use the count-down method, but we start at about 20 minutes. Then do 15, 10, 7, 5, 3, 2, 1 minutes. Seems tedious, but after a while he adapted to that and by the time 3 minutes was around he usually is willing to clean up the toys and get ready to go. Still protests sometimes, but not a temper tantrum.

I know it's a challenging period, but he will grow out of it. Just be consistent and you will see he will begin to adapt.
Take care,
B.

Dear CL,
I have a friend whose child had a lot of trouble making certain transitions. Some where along the line she started to really take time to reflect his response back to him. Sometimes she would spend quite a bit of time with him just sitting on the ground next to him letting him know that she sees how hard it is and that she has time to be with him while he makes the transition. She was quite remarkable, because no matter what he did she just kept listening and responding, not letting him go back to play, but staying there with him, moving him very slowly with his permission toward the car. It took several times, but they made amazing changes in a pattern that we other moms thought was going to last that kid a lifetime!
The trick seemed to be that she just kept trying to hear it from his point of view, while holding the boundary of having to leave. She also did the 5 minute warning letting him know ahead of time when they were going to start to leave. She was respectful to let him say good by, but she didn't let him linger for too long. The work they did was mostly outside or in the car before driving away. Their process was pretty amazing.
best wishes
D.

My almost 7 year old hides under his friends bed, runs in their yard, etc when it is time to go. i just go after him and put him in the car. I know it seems like alot of work but he will grow out of it. It is just a control thing right now. Time outs are so useless with most kids anyway. Bring a little treat with you when you go somewhere. Say this..son, if you get in the car right now I have these 2 gummy bears for you. show him the treat and actually give it to him when he does what you say. I always say you catch more flys with sugar.....It works with my kids almost all of the time. Your 5 minute warning is perfect. Also give him a 3 minute, 2 minute and 30 second warning. Some kids need a bit more time to wrap up! Good luck

Does he know that he will be able to come back again?? Maybe he thinks he will never get to have that kind of fun again if he leaves.

BTW, three is WAY worse than two (I don't know why this is one of those big secrets of parenthood - three is so much more difficult). Anyhoo, He is old enough to get the cause/effect thing. He really does understand alot, including how to push your buttons.

Good idea with the timer. I use my cell phone alarm daily to get my kids out of the playground, etc. I leave the alarm ringing until one of my kids turns it off for me, and I know then that they are resigned to getting in the car. Let him know clearly that he will get this type of playtime again tomorrow (or whenever), but if he carries on, he will not get to play. Tell him the rules before you start playing and remind him about it five minutes before the buzzer will beep (especially the coming back tomorrow part!!). He may just need time to complete a mud pie or recreate a scene from his favorite Barney episode, so make sure he has a few extra minutes. He may decide to have his tantrum later, which is fine. Just put him in a safe place and let him tantrum. When he has calmed down again, let him know your expectations and be really, really consistent.

With my second daughter, I tried the old "bye, I'm leaving now" and actually left and hid so she couldn't see me and she didn't care. Now I say "It is time to go - do you want me to carry you or will you walk by yourself?" and let her choose which method. She is still two, but just that little bit of giving her some power to choose makes her feel better.

A three year old can be one of the most trying people to deal with (Maybe until teenage years!?!). Good luck

oh, honey. this is something i didn't learn until my LAST large son was little! :)
GIVE HIM A CHOICE.
It needs to be a choice of which EITHER option is OK with you and neither one will get your goat. SOmething not tied to the current emotion.

For instance, he is screaming, very effectively, and you offer him his Elmo doll or transformer or whatever. Ask, "would you like to walk to the car and carry Elmo or would you like for me to carry you and Elmo?" (if you HATE carrying him, this is not a great question!) but perhaps whether or not he'd like to have soup when he gets home or a sandwich. whether he'd like to wear his jacket home or go without it.
something over which he has complete control, and you are OK with...it removes the focus from the current moment, at which he has no power and choice, and gives him a little choice and power. it worked like a charm for my number 4 son...
now, you have any ideas what to do with them when they're 19, smoking a little dope, not doing their chores? fair trade, girlfriend! enjoy him now, cause HE WILL GROW UP ONE DAY!!!

My friend Marion signed me up for this, but I am not a mom. But, I do work with children. I have worked in education for ten years and I have worked with kids up until age 11. Although my experience is primarily with older children, it does make sense that a younger child should want to play all of the time. But the same came be true for children who are a little older. Right now I work with fourth graders and I have all I can do at times to get them to leave the playground. They will just ignore me. In school it's a little different because we have raffles periodically. So I give out raffle tickets. In your case, I wonder what a sticker chart might do. You can make a chart of all the different places that you are going to take him during the week. Perhaps you could preview it with him at the start of the week, so he will know what to expect. Then tell him that if he cooperates when you are ready to leave, you will put a sticker on his chart. When the chart is finished, perhaps you could allow him to choose a treat of some kind. I don't necessarily mean toys. It could mean him choosing what he wants to eat for dinner or deciding where to go the following week. Or you could even let him choose the stickers to buy. You could also save all of the charts and put them into a book later. Then he will see his progress.

Good luck! Let me know how it works out.