Seeking Tips for Transition from One Child to Two

Welcome to the club! I have a 2 1/2 yr old son & 2 month old girl. It took me about 7 wks to get the hang of things and to start doing regular outings. I could send you a comical email I did about one of our first few excursions. People kept just telling me to hang in there & it would get easier. Here's some practical advice - MOST IMPORTANT thing - do not expect the worse about your son's reaction to a baby. Most of my friends are having child #2 right now and we've all found the older child's acceptance to be much better than we could have imagined. It is an adjustment, but they enjoy being involved in something new. My son is very proud of his sister. Next, lower your expectations on what you can do in a day. In the beginning, stick to the basics - everyone fed, diapers changed, clean or semi-clean, sleep as much as you can, and enjoy the little moments that pass too quickly. Other tips - set up your diaper bag and re-stock it at night, so that all you have to do is grab and go in the morning. Set out clothes and prepare food or bottles you might need for the next day the night before. Start out with outings that are late morning and know you may have to push back the time. It took me 3 hours and 10 minutes to get out of the house one day! You do start to get the hang of things and create your own system. Also, remember newborns are so unpredictable. It really is hard to get a rhythm the first few weeks. That time period really taught me to go with the flow! The big thing is to do what works for you and your lifestyle. Don't worry about other people and what they think. Most other moms are too tired themselves to notice that your son's fingernails need to be clipped. Do the best you can and enjoy your new family!

Good luck!
M.

My girls are 2.5 years apart almost to the day (May 10th and Nov. 8th). I had my concerns. In the end I really had nothing to worry about. When we brought baby home my older one was walking through the room. She stopped where baby was laying on the couch next to me, cocked her head to the side, sighed and said I just love her so much. It was the sweetest thing. I did have concerns about her trying to be "mommy" though especially when I was in the shower or bathroom. Not intentionally hurting her but just by way of being helpful. So for longer potty breaks I took baby with me in the bouncer (unless she was laid down for a nap where sissy couldn't attend to her). I pretty much showered the same way when big sis was napping. I was the biggest scaredy cat when it came to going somewhere without an extra person to help me. My husband actually accomplished that much sooner than I did. Do make yourself a small bag with the essentials that can be put in the diaper bag so you can not worry about your purse. Also As soon as I take my keys out of the ignition they go straight into my pocket. =0) (I have only locked my keys in the car 1 time since being a mommy in 5 years) the remote can hang out so it is easily accessable. Just becuase your older one can't play with the baby doesn't mean he can't interact. My older daughter was always "showing" sister what she was doing or how to do stuff (even if she was asleep in the swing and got no reply). Enjoy every moment and relax as best you can. It will work out.

Honestly...don't expect it to be so bad! I have a four year old who was just three years old when my youngest was born and he has been fine. We haven't had ANY jealousy issues, really. I think he wanted to sit on my lap a little more than normal the first few weeks, but it's been great.

Having that age difference between the two of them makes things so much easier. They understand more are more helpful. Now that my youngest is a year old, the two of them play a little now and interact and I LOVE watching this. It's the biggest joy of having more than one...I think...watching that sibling relationship develop.

Sounds like you've adequately prepared him, the hospital visit won't last forever, you'll be home and can all enjoy each other. Try and be as fair with your time and attention as you can be and enjoy!!!

Good luck!
-M

Hello, Congratulations! Just make sure to make time for your older son. Include him in taking care of his brother and even in making some decisions like what the baby will wear and such. He will feel "big" and important.
We have four grown children. When our second, third and fourth babies were born, I made sure that the older ones got a special gift to have when the new baby came home. It made them feel special and important.
Good luck with your precious family
K. K.

I am the oldest of nine, all of whom are not even two years apart, and have four of my own. Something that my parents did, and I did as well, was to let all of the kids hold the baby when he/she came home from the hospital and take a picture of them. This did two things. First, we got to be a part of the excitment and not feel left out, and second we learned how to hold a baby and not be afraid of them.
By doing this everybody had a great time when the new babies each came home. My kids loved doing this because they were always so excited about the new baby.

Congrats to you and your family on your new coming lil one. I was lucky enough that from the 1st moment my son was born, my 2 year old daughter wanted to take over as Mommy. A few weeks after my son was born she started getting a little jealous of her little brother. What helped a lot was letting my oldest help with whatever it was that she wanted to help with. She helped me swaddle, change diapers, and sat on the floor outside the bathroom door holding the baby while I used the potty. I really think it helped with my oldest getting used to having a new person in the house. But I also learned that if my oldest did not want to help then it was better to leave it that way. She liked having her own time and space. I also made sure to keep her napping the same time, and the same basic routine. I always let read her a book and tucked her in before naps.

I would just say, keep as many things the same as possible. Of course some things are going to change and that can't be helped. Good luck!!

What I did with mine was have the older child pick the outfit for baby that day...have two outfits for the child to pick from (so they are appropriate for weather) and then the child picks what baby wears that day. It really helps out. Also, have some time set aside as 'his time' that baby won't interrupt, while baby is napping or whatever, so that you can read together, play a game together or snuggle together. Say how much you enjoy being able to do big boy things with him because baby can't do that yet. Or have him bring you the diaper when it's changing time so he's involved with his sibling as well. It's worked well for my three. Good luck and hope your labor is short and sweet!

My first daughter was 3 when her sister was born. She wanted to be all over the baby. At first I was worried, but I decided that as long as nobody was crying, why not let big sister try to climb into the carseat with her sister? I just let my older one do whatever she wanted to her sister, as long as nobody was getting hurt. My older one also had a very important job. When the baby was crying, it was her job to sing to the baby. After a while, it actually worked. She took this job very seriously, and when the little one got to the stage where she wanted to "give up her nap" my older one would patiently sing her to sleep in the afternoons. It was very sweet. It is a big adjustment for everyone, but let them form their own relationship in their own way. Good luck!

Have a DAILY "routine" with your son and baby.
Toddlers need to know what is happening next, and it will help him to gauge his day... not just be a "satellite" floating around haphazardly and around baby.

Plan one on one time with him.

Yes, and KEEP to his nap schedule.

Always verbally tell him what you are needing to do, what you will both be doing and give him head's-up on things... this helps a child keep connected with you and the daily things going on, and to know that he is STILL a PART of you and the family, despite busy baby things.

Have and KEEP to HIS daily nap/sleep routines. VERY important.

Try to have someone help you in the beginning.

Incorporate Dad into things... and you and Hubby clearly delineate who will be doing what. THIS will bring more organization and harmony into things AND for your son. Daily.

ALLOW for any questions or upsets your son has, in adjusting to baby. DO NOT "scold" him for it. A child, will adjust in time... each child being different. Let your son KNOW that he can tell you anything no matter how he feels, and that you/Dad will ALWAYS be there for him, regardless or any tantrum/upsets/crying/loneliness etc. That YOU and Daddy are a soft place for him to fall, for ANYTHING. HE is still important and your 1st baby. Always. That you are ALL "family" and baby loves him too....

Allow for any transgressions/regressions in your son. DO NOT "expect" your son, who will now be an "eldest" sibling, to be "perfect" NOR to put onto his shoulders that he "has to be" the "example" for your youngest child. THAT is TOO much pressure for a child. Too many "eldest" children, get "stressed" by being an "eldest" child because then expectations UPON THEM changes, and they become expected to be "perfect" when they are NOT developmentally able to.

KEEP every expectation, upon your eldest child, AGE appropriate. Always.

Remember, that communication is key for a child... both ways. And for letting them express ANY feelings they have... so that they will feel secure in knowing they will be "understood" and validated.

Teach him that if he needs anything, you are always STILL there for him.... and teach him the words, to ask for what he needs.

And yes, always explain to him, what a baby "is." In an age-appropriate way. So that he understands what a baby can or cannot do, and how they are.... so they don't worry or get "jealous."
My daughter would get worried when her baby brother cried... but I told her this is what babies do... but that she is NOT "responsible" for baby, "I" am. AND I would always "thank" her for "caring" about her little brother & "loving" him... and for showing kindness toward him. I PRAISED her a lot, in her adjustment too. VERY important.

These are things we did with my daughter, prior to when I had my 2nd child & once my son came home from the hospital. And, consequently, my daughter LOVES her little brother... and they get along great and are very close.

Your son will also need HIS things too, and NOT have to "share" everything. Let him know this. Young toddlers, can get upset/stressed by thinking that they "have to" share everything with sibling. Let them have boundaries and decide what to share or not. Its okay. Let them keep their "special" things/belongings just for themselves, too. VERY important for a child.

All the best,
Susan

Hi Michele :)
Congratulations on the new little one!

You seem to have things under control. One suggestion that I implemented when our little ones came along--we always took the older ones in to see the newest child as soon as we could. Back then, I'm a bit older, kids didn't get to see mom much in the hospital, but they could see the baby in the nursery. Not hold, much, but at least see the baby, and know that he is real. Maybe if you talk really nice with the nurse, they will let your son put on a gown to protect the little one, so he can hold him, under your supervision.

Sometimes the nurses will "bend" the rules "just once." It never hurts to try.

Again, congratulations, and good luck.

A.

Hi M., thanks for asking, I am in the same boat! My daughter is 2 1/2 and lil' sis is coming in just 2 more months. I have the exact same concerns!

Two separate people, neither that I know very, well both told me that the beginning was a little rough and they saw the regressions and stuff in their older child, but by 6 weeks it was all good. I thought it was interesting that I've heard this magic "6 weeks" number twice now when talking about your older child adjusting to a sibling.

Come to think of it, 6 weeks is about how long it took me to adjust to my first child and get in a comfy routine... so it makes sense.
Good luck to you with your two boys!

Honestly, it sounds like you have done a great job preparing him! WE did the same thing with our daughter last spring - she was 3 years 4 months when her brother was born. Here are some of the other things we did:
1. The first time she met TJ - he had a gift for her - she loves baby dolls, so we had picked up an outfit and a video and that was her gift from him and she loved it!
2. We let her hold him and help feed him. I know you can't bring him to the hospital, but we even let her hold him there - everyone was on Daddy's lap. She really felt part of the family and that she was helping to take care of him.
3. I did a good job of nursing this time around, but I started pumping early so that my husband and daughter could feed the baby - again, she thought it was so cool to help feed him.
4. As far as schedules go, we kept her the same. She was in preschool, and although I was home on maternity leave, we still kept her at preschool - Daddy dropped her and I picked up - just like normal.
5. We also did some fun stuff with her - she had been really good, so when the baby was 2 weeks, we went to Disneyland because she had been so good and helpful. We also took her to the park more often and offered to take her out when one of us was going shopping - so she had some one on one time.

Ultimately is was a pretty easy transition. Just allow your son to be helpful and touch and hold the baby. He will know right away that you are a bigger happy family. Good luck and I hope everything goes great for you!

First of all, congrats! My two boys are about 28 months apart, and it has been good. Some of things we did was make sure daddy had a chance to spend a lot of time with the older son while mommy was taking care of feeding and bathing. I would ask the older son to help me with getting diapers/wipes during changes or to sit nearby when nursing. Sometimes I would read to him while nursing or when the baby was asleep. I wore the baby a lot, so my older son just got used to me holding the baby most of the time, but I made sure to hold him a lot when the baby was down. If you don't have an ERGO or something similar, I would recommend it! It especially helps when I go grocery shopping...I wear the baby and big brother can sit in the shopping cart. Right now, we are dealing with some sharing issues, but older brother will usually share when we explain why. I guess the best thing is to make sure to show love and continue to include older brother...it's also a good time for daddy/son bonding! Enjoy!