Hey ladies, I was wondering if anybody else is having problems trying to figure out how to keep your husband talking. My husband and I have been married almost eight years and I don't think he likes me anymore. He says he does but he has a funny way of showing it. We hardly even talk anymore and I don't even feel like I know him anymore. I ask questions, but he gets upset. I asked if there is somebody else, of course, he says there is no one. He won't go to counseling and he won't open up to me, so what do I do. We have four beautiful children, and I want them to have their father in their lives, but I am unsure of what he wants. What do I do next? I have prayed about it, I have written him letters, and I have even done done the e-mail thing. But I am at my wits end!
Hi ladies,
First of all thanks for all of the wonderful advice given. I feel like I have sisters everywhere. I have implemented many of the things suggested from many of you and so far so good. We have talked about many things that bother the both of us and we both even agreed to try harder. I told him I felt like we were just living together with kids and it wasn't fair to either of us. I told him how I feel when we have to take a back seat to his job 99% of the time, and guess what he apologized AND has been giving a great effort to improving. He shared some things with me as well and I understood, but I didn't "understand" at first. I prayed about it and I am going to be obedient to God first. Ephesians 5:20-33 tells it all. Because I trust God, I must do my part as a wife and everything else will fall in place.
Keep praying for us as I pray for you all!
Knowing that I have someone to talk that will give me advice on either end is wonderful.
Thanks alot.
You might want to read " The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands", as well as the new book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage".
These books were really eye-opening for me.
Q.,
I have been married to the same man for 22 years and I have felt the same way at different times in our marriage. And when I look at it now, I feel that it was myself feeling insecure.
My husband doen't talk much either anymore. However, I know that he is troubled about certain things in his business life. He has told me many times that he doesn't want to get me upset or worried, so he chooses not to say anything. I am not sure if that is the right thing or not, but I understand him. I believe that your husband still loves you! We all go through changes in our lives. Has something been bothering him at work? Is he stressed about something and doesn't feel he wants to bring you down about it? Does he feel the both of you don't spend enough quality time with eachother?
Counseling does help some couples...have you tried talking to someone on your own? This may help a great deal.
Trust him when he tells you that there is no one else.
Go on dates. Make it a weekly/monthly goal to set. Even if it's just going for a drive. We all need that quality time alone. Just you and him. Make a special dinner with you two and the kids. Have the setting be romantic as it can get with the children. I have done this and everyone was floored!
Don't give up! Keep praying...our Lord is listening.
I hope this has helped a little. :)
God Bless You!
I would advise, first, focus on not upsetting him to get him to open up and talk. For instance, stop asking if there is someone else for now. If there isn't someone else, you're making him angry. If there is, I would find concrete clues before confronting him. Also, if he's dead set against counseling, backoff for now (but just for now, you can always bring up the subject later).
Try a date night with your husband. It's good to do this regularly, once every two weeks or so. With four kids I know this can be difficult. Try to rekindle the romance by finding a babysitter or a friend/relative to watch the kids one night. Go watch a movie and have dinner. This is good b/c if you have nothing to talk about or talk is awkard, at least you can talk about how great or crappy the movie was.
I dont' know if this helps and you're more than welcome to pitch my ideas.
Hi Q.. Might I recommend the book, "the five love languages." I think it would help you alot. Also there is a website that goes with the book.
Good Luck!
It means alot that you are even willing to try.
Im feelin ya girl! Men can sometimes seem impossible cant they! My husband and i have been together for 16 yrs and married 9, we are 32 and 33 yrs. Old. And im going to share a little advice that was given to us when we were first getting ready to get married, and it is so so so so true! Love is not what keeps a marriage together, because you will fall in and out of love a million times. It is the promise that you make to each other and to god. Give him the benfit of the doubt, assume that everything is ok, start acting like the girl he fell in love with, instead the responsible, do everything right woman that you have evolved into. Women mature much faster than men believe me, my husband will be 33 in june and and has just in the last year or so started being the wonderful husband and father that i knew he could be. Before then my story was exactly the same as yours. Hang in there girl it'll work out, and if you need to vent let me know...i understand
Hi Q....You are not alone in this. I do however agree with Rebecca. Having a date night with your husband is a great thing. My husband would NEVER talk to me. No matter how I tried he just was very distant, never talkative, and I know he is a naturally shy person but it frustrated me. So, my mom takes the kids every 2 weeks for an over night trip and my husband and I get time alone with no kids, no cartoons, no kid food. Even if we stay home, we are not having to worry about the kids fighting and arguing or anything. Most of the time we fix a great meal, rent a movie, and just chill out together. We have bonded more since doing this. So...Try that and see how it works. And good luck!
First of all, let me just say you are not the only one dealing with this. I am having a similar situation with my husband. I know that he is depressed, and I am certainly frustrated, as you are. It seems the more I try to get to the bottom of it, the more he withdrawls. He puts no faith in counseling, so he would never go. It is good that you are praying about it, that is something positive you can do. Try to surround yourself with people that make you feel good because "when Mom is happy, everyone is happy." I know it is hard to keep everyone afloat, but kids are very perceptive about feelings, and if they sense things are out of sorts, it just amplifies the whole situation.
For me, this is the first time I have been a full time stay at home Mom. I WANT to talk to someone after a full day with the kids and my husband after working 40 + hours a week, doesn't want to talk to any more adults. Try to find a playgroup or Mom's group, like MOPS, where you can talk to other Mom's. It won't solve the situation, but it will give you an opportunity to talk about it and perhaps gain a better perspective on what is going on. I am not sure if that helps. Good luck and hang in there!
i am going through a simler thing my daughter haven't seen her father in 1 month and half it wil be 2 months on may 6,2007 so ya don't push him he'll come to you sooner or later.
Q.,
If it's hard for your husband to open up, then you need to really set the right tone for him. Don't accuse him of having affairs or he'll clam up even more. You'll push him away. Also, let him have some space when he gets home from work. They really don't like to have all the problems of the day sprung on them when they walk in the door. Get him something to drink and give him a half hour and then ask him something specific, like "how did your meeting with so-and-so go?" or "did you get (whatever) accomplished like you were hoping to?" or "how was your day, sweetheart?" while giving him a hug and a snuggle. Also, if you must discuss a problem with him, go to him with a nice snack and say, "Honey, can we talk a minute? Can we discuss a problem for a few minutes?" That way, if he's in the middle of something, or has a headache or is just too tired, he has a way of telling you that. Then you can set a better time for both of you to give the issue your attention. And PRAISE YOUR HUSBAND..he needs it. Give him honest praise and hopefully he'll respond more to you.
My hubby once said he feels like we are roommates and not married. We each got so busy in our own things and with our kids that we weren't focusing on ourselves.
I suggest starting with adding some small meaningful things into your actions: sit by him when he's watching TV and hold his hand or lean on him, give him a kiss when you pass by, wink at him, play games. All those things that are easy and natural for dating couples and somehow get forgotten after a few years of marriage. (p.s. we've been married 11 years and all is well)
