Seeking Single Parent Advice

Hi Kellye,

If the childrens father is hitting them, then you need to call the police and let them know. There is no since in that and the longer this action continues the worse it will get. Please get help before it is to late.
Good luck and take care,

J. J.

If it were my child, there would already be a restraining order! You should definitely be taking legal action.

Wow....my first thought was to file a police report. However, perhaps you can talk to him (the father) and tell him how upset your sons are and how disappointed you are in his awful behavior. Tell him that if he ever does it again, you're going to call the police.

You don't say how hard he hit your son, but men sometimes think that when talking to other men, they can be rough. He probably thinks your son is a man (even tho you know he's not). While I in no way agree w/behavior, I do think you need to talk to the father about it, rather than immediately filing a police report. Sometimes more harm is done when you go that route at the first offense. Then again, you were there so only you can decide.

Lastly, I'd like to say that you should be thankful that the father has such limited involvement in your sons lives.

(((hugs)))
D., also a single parent to a son (he's 5) My son's father is rarely involved in any aspect of my son's life.

Kellye I am feeling so bad for you I lost my first note to you. In IL I think your sixteen year old no longer has to see his dad and can join the school play, the choir or whatever without the pressure of this sports issue. Little one I'm not so sure about so call legal aid or if you have a lawyer check on it. Ten year olds are still under court jurisdiction.
Another mom said try to talk to dad and I think that is a good idea too as whenever you call the police and social workers it starts a horrible chain that sometimes doesn't turn out like we expect. So if he's reasonable at all perhaps this could be negotiated. If he's not then it will take some conferencing with teachers, or others that could help.
And sadly, perhaps since this is a first physically perhaps dad is drinking or something and would not be very welcome at a sports event. Have someone check his breath. Sorry to say that but perhaps in his own way he might be using alcohol or something to get over his problems. Good luck, wish I could hug you as you sound like an awesome wonderful mom. S.

I am not sure if it is too late but I would definately file a police report. This is not acceptable in the least! The good thing is you already know it but sounds like you just need a bit of validation before you do what is necessary and right to protect your children! Whether it is the first or 100th time- let it be the last!!!

Good luck making a decision on what to do and many blessings to you and your sons!

You need to call the police & report it in whatever town it occurred in, and document any bruising or redness ASAP. I know several people have said "DCFS will get involved, etc" but honestly, in the suburbs, that's not always the case. (In fact, it's RARELY the case.)
After you have a police report, then you need to contact your attorney ASAP to have them file to stop your husbands visitation rights.
Your husband should get charged with battery & have to post $100 bond & then go to court over it. If it's his first offense, he'll most likely just get a fine.
For you & your sons, he may lose all rights to visit them, or he may be allowed supervised visitations only, OR - sometimes, they keep things the way they already are until there is ANOTHER incident.
You are your children's best protector. Stand up for them!

Take photos right away, get a police report, and get to a lawyer please. There are free lawyers, too. Good luck!!!! The court systems are slow, but eventually will help you -- and you need to start documenting. This time will NOT be the last time.

He hit his and your son because the child was not performing up to his (the father's) standards athletically?
I can't see spanking a child for not doing well in sports. Maybe if he cussed his dad out, swung at his dad and spit on his dad - all at the same time.

You should call the police and report a battery the next time he hits the kids for something stupid. Or, call DCFS. Or, give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes being hit. At the very least, get you and your kids a counselor or talk to your pastor. Let your sons' father know, that this behavior is unacceptable and if it happens again, you will have to proceed with actions that may result in his being banned from seeing his children. He kind of sounds like a bully, you are going to have to be strong and put up with his throwing a temper tantrum when you approach this subject. But momma, your son's need to see you being their advocate and they need to know that you will protect them at all costs.

Mental health counseling is very clearly needed here. your ex husband needs to know that this is very unacceptable and can have profound effects on his children. If he continues then you will have to go to court to get his visitation rights rescinded. I would talk to your pediatrician about a referral for mental health counseling for the boys and I would get the name of a place that you can offer your ex attend to address this issue. There are also a variety of community mental health agencies in chicago. The Division of mental health should be able to give you the name of several.

how does your son feel?? would he want to press charges?? If not then tell him if it happens again you are pressing charges and do it. there is no excuse for that behavior. I would also ask him to apologize to your son. we parents make mistakes but we need to recognize that and say we are sorry.

This is a tough situation to be in as a mother. I understand the mixed feelings you must have about guilt for choosing such a man as a father and yet wanting him to be involved but also doing whats best for your children. I really do understand because of my own situation. First I must say that he(the father) must know that he can NOT physcally hit the kids. That needs to be made clear. You can not change a person but you can make suggestions on how to be a better person in general. Of course you have to be delicate on how you approach your suggestions to him, men don't like to be told what to do. I gave my sons father a few books on subjects that I thought he needed help with. I don't know if he read them but that is all we can do really, just try to help theses fathers become better people, not just better fathers. I hope you can continue to be a positive influnce on your children as well as their dad.:)

He's been mentally abusive and now physically abusive? Your kids need protection now. Take pictures of any marks or bruising. Go to the doc and have him checked out and even chest x-rays done. Call the police. Go to your lawyer and have visitation stopped, get custody and get supervised visitation while "dad" goes to some kind of couseling. Inform the schools - what if he freaks out at a game or something. A man who hits his son in the eye and chest is unstable and should not be free to roam schools. Imagine how your boys must feel having to deal with this man every time they do sports. They must be afraid and dread their times with him. They need help too, from church, the school, a counselor - someone who can help them deal with how their father treats them. They should not have to live like that and you do not want them to grow up and treat their children this way. I don't see why your kids should continue to have a toll taken on them while you come up with letters or speeches to the father - ACTION is required NOW.

Once your ex husband hits your child in a way that he did, it becomes a legal matter. Talk w/ your lawyer asap or social services agency. If he does something again, and you know about it and don't take action, you are just as guilty.

If the school knew about this, they would have to call DCPS and the police. They may or may not have released him from school.

Take care of your boys!

Kellye, You are dealing with a tough situation! There's no excuse for hitting a kid, though. I suggest you ask your family doctor about counseling resources as soon as possible.

I'll be thinking of you!

D.

I would suggest talking to your ex about it first. Physical is different than verbal, and it might just be a one-time occurrence, but depending on the way the conversation goes, you might want to suggest anger management to him. Let him know that you will not tolerate it, and if need be, you will contact the authorities.

Kellye,
You ex-husband has some really bad issues going on. Sounds like he is trying to live his own sports dreams through his sons.
I would consult your attorney. I am sure that he will advise you to make a police report, of course they will questions your son. Will he be willing to talk to the police and tell what really happened with him and his father? You should document any other instances between your ex and his sons.

Make sure to reassure your sons that this is not normal behavior and we will to deal with this together. That you love them and are there for them.
This could really mentally scare you son if your ex continues this. You may also want to try to talk to your ex but I have a feeling it will fall of deaf ears, but it could hurt.
You could talk to your pastor and ask him.her if she can recommend any one for you and your sons to talk to regarding this issue before they start do damage. Maybe just to talking to your Pastor could help but I think a child counselor would be better.
If these issues between him and his father continue Without help your son could take his anger out on his brother, his friends or worse.

^j^

You must see a lawyer to interrupt his right to visitation until he gets himself under control and learns some decent parenting skills, (probably court ordered). The "male role model" thing is not nearly as important as the protecting against an abusive parent thing. No one has mentioned this: your child and even both children are NEVER EVER going to forget this and it will seriously traumatize them. As a girl who witnessed my dad hit my teenage brother etc. I can tell you it was horrible and had a devastating effect on everyone psychologically. They will never look at their dad the same way again. They need counseling and need to feel PROTECTED. Don't assume this is a one time only thing, especially since he went nuts over such a stupid issue. Good luck.

You could tell their father that your boys will no longer be allowed to play sports, period. If possible, you could later sign them up for sports but keep it to yourself. I know it sounds extreme, but participation in sports is not worth the emotional, not to mention physical damage that he might cause. An approach that might be less disruptive to your kids activities would be to threaten their father (but not in front of the boys) by saying that if he EVER friggin touches or says anything hurtful to them again...they will never touch another bat, ball, or cleat until they are 18 years old because it's only a GAME dumb-a__!!! Ok, you might want to leave that last part out...but you get my point.

This may only be the first physical incident, but if you don't put an end to it now, it'll happen again and again. Call a lawyer, see what your options are, and protect your kids. Their father should be in their life, but if they need to be supervised visits or limited in some way, then that's your ex-husband's problem, not yours. Your job is to protect those kids.

File a police report. And notify DCFS. Get a restraining order. You should also take your son to a doctor to have him checked out, and take pictures of any bruising or marks. You may want to be discussing this with a lawyer, and put an end to the unsupervised visitation. At least until he goes through counseling and/or anger management.

Why on earth would someone punish a child for 'sports reasons'?? And to hit him! Keep that man away from those boys.

Hi Kellye,

I would not start out with a police report. It is good that your sons' father has found an area where he can be involved and regularily see his children. In spite of this, hitting your sons over sports issues is unacceptable. My guess is he is disiplining your boys in the same way that he was disiplined so it may take some discussion from someone he respects to get him to adjust his behavior. I think a pastor is a good idea. If he is not a church person, what about his mother's pastor? Does he have a brother or a good friend that you are on good terms with who could be a mediator? Men seem to hear things more clearly when another man says something (unfortunately). If that is not an option, perhaps you could try writing a VERY short letter to him. If so, always start with the positive (i.e. your consistent involvement is great for our sons/they love you very much), stick Only to the issue at hand (don't rehash old problems/annoyances) and ask him to consisder more "positive reinvorcement" and other methods of disipline than punching his sons over sports issues. If you want to say 'why' he should choose another disipline method, note that these are modern times, and what might have been OK in the 'olden days' is considered a crime today. Mentioning the word "crime" will let him know where your thoughts are heading and may nip this behavior in the bud. If he has only done this once, bringing in the police will create more problems than it will solve. I would be furious in your shoes, but I hope that you can find a solution other than the police. Keep careful notes with dates as a backup in case you do end up in court. Good luck and God Bless you.

Hello restraining order! If you are not afraid of your ex-husband, then you need to get in his face and tell him how your children need to be raised (healthy and safe). If you ARE afraid of your husband, then you need to get official people involved. I don't necessarily agree with the statement that you need to hold off on DCFS. You need to concern yourself with safety for all people involved. (Not to mention the lessons your kids are learning through this process)

Take care of YOU through this too! You will be in my thoughts and prayers

J.

ok..this may not be very popular with public opinion but simply tell him they will not be participating in NO more sport activities and he will have to find somthing else for them to do regarding quality time. Explain this to your children and your resons why be honest without bad mouthing their father and leave it alone.

P.S. I also am a single blk mother of 2

While I would be horrified if my husband hit my kids, I would think twice before making a police report. First of all, the police will notify DCFS and you do not want DCFS in your life unless you absolutely have to to keep your kids safe.

I would talk to your ex and lay some ground rules about discipline and physical contact, his involvement with the kids and sports and if on reflection, he thinks what he did was OK. I might threaten to call the police or DCFS if this happens again, but unless this was a very serious incident or you have other safety concerns, I wouldn't. I might tell him that he needs to go to counseling or anger management classes if he wants to continue to see the kids. I might also want to meet with a counselor with him so that you can work out your discipline strategy together and the role that sports is going to play in your son's life. What is up with disciplining kids around sports? It's supposed to be fun!

I would not ask my kids' opinions of what you should do. That's putting way too much responsibility on them. I think talking to them about what happened--how they're feeling about it, are they scared of him, do they still want to see him, etc.

All of this depends on the seriousness of the hit. Was your son hurt or bruised? Even if he wasn't, your ex's behavior is not acceptable.

This is hard situation to be in--let us know what you decide to do.

speak to him when boys are not listening or around. saying that hitting is unacceptable. he probably thinks he's trying to toughen him up. then after that your lawyer or police

Is it possible for your sons to be around positive male role models?
Can you file a restraining order? Punching your child in the face is WRONG. Sometimes, moms are the sole protector of their children (beside God). My oldest is 17 and youngest is 5 and even though our big guys look like adults, they are still children who need our protection.
Sports are meant as a way to improve our level of fun in our lives. Being disciplined for poor performance will only discourage your sons from playing. Parents who discipline children for poor performance have their own ego as their first concern.
Plus, is this the first time your child has been hit or the first time you know of?
Please go to http://www.family.org/lifechallenges/ for more help.