Seeking Opinions on My 4 Year Old Son Hitting, Yelling, and Getting Very Mad.

Giving him time out is not going to be very effective because it is not a real punishment to sit in a corner for a couple of minutes. Maybe you can try to explain to him that if he wants something he can be a "big boy" by talking about it or talking about his feelings instead of throwing a fit. Maybe you can explain to him that you will be able to understand him better if he talks about it and that way you can help him out.

Tiffani,

I have a 4-yr-old daughter who also gets extremely angry when she doesn't get her way, so I definitely can relate.

I am sorry to disagree with another Mom here, but I have a problem with Danielle's post suggesting to lock your child in their room - I just do not think that is right, I suppose if a therapist recommended it there is something to it, but I respectfully disagree. To digress briefly - my teenage son (who I had at age 4 by adoption) had been locked in rooms amongst other things and it had a profound impact on him (he was severely abused). We had to buy him locks and keys to play with in order to help him through it - 1st time at therapist's office, he locked her in by tying his shoelaces around the doorknobs and the 1st day of Kindergarten he stole the keys to the school office (it goes on and on).

Anyhow, my 4 yr old daughter definitely will yell, throw things - pinch me, you name it when she doesn't get her way.

I send her on time-outs to her room, (four minutes) she will try to walk back out and I firmly point in the direction of her room for her to go back (very important - I do not look her in the eye or talk to her during the time out period - superNanny method).

If she refuses to return to her room, tears up her room or throws anything around she gets 'grounded'. If she gets more than two time-outs in a day she also gets grounded. I either ground her from the television for 2 days or sometimes from McDonald's or the park - I've found the grounding part to be pretty effective - she really takes that seriously. But it takes a lot of consistent stick-to-it-ness.

A lot of people talk about terrible two's, but not the fearsome fours! Hang in there, I believe it doesn't last real long. :-)

hugs,

W.

ps Tiffany, sorry for the long post but I neglected to add - at the end of the time-out period it's important to hold your child and give lots of eye contact and calmly explain things. Also, I never ground her without giving her a 'final warning' first. In other words I tell her that I really do not want to have to ground her but....and then really stick to your warning - once you give that warning you have to follow thru. you get the idea. One good thing about 4 yr olds is that you can appeal to their ability to rationalize. :-)

My stepson came to live with us when he ws 4 1/2 because he was exhibiting the same aggressive behaviors and his mother was unable to control him. He had been removed from 4 or 5 daycares in a period of 6 months, which was affecting her ability to hold down a job. Upon his arrival in our home in another state (we lived in Kentucky and she lived in Georgia), we immediately had him evaluated and discovered that he has sensory integration deficiencies. I suspect that there may have also been some reactive attachment disorder as well because it didn't appear that his mom paid much attention to him. If the suggestions that the others provided don't help, I would suggest contacting an occupational therapist for an evaluation. (Easter Seals, Kosair - not sure about the Chicago area - we did all of this in Kentucky)

I sought advice from a therapist for my middle son who was doing the same thing. He told me to switch the locks on his bedroom door so you can lock it from the outside. When he does the behavior then immediately place him in his room with the door locked for the same minutes as his age, but tell him hemust be quiet and behave in the room otherwise you begin the clock over again. At first, he may be in the room for awhile. If he has 2 or less times in his room per day you can start a reward system where you give him a little trinket or treat for the good behavior. I swear if you stick to this it works. The bad behavior is virtually gone and if it starts again all I have to do is say to him, "Do you want to go to your room?" and he stops. Before that I was going out of my mind. Hope this helps. It's called behavior modification therapy.

Hi Tiffani,

Mostly, I just want you to know that you're not alone! I have been struggling with my three year old boy like it's nobody's business! It's VERY frustrating right now. He doesn't hit a whole lot, but he did decide to hit a strange woman at my nephew's basketball game OUT OF THE BLUE. And he gets into everything when he's supposed to be napping or in bed for the night....everything from Crayola color tablets for the bath (last night) to baby lotion and diaper rash cream (yesterday) to the medicine cabinet (so scary!) to his sister's crib...the list goes on and on, and NOTHING works. We've done serious talks, one-on-one time, time-outs, even spankings. It feels like we're losing control! BUT he's a very loving boy, like yours, and he can be such an angel. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I've heard some people say that it's awful with boys through kindergarten, but when you have it that bad, they turn into angels around 1st or 2nd grade. (Not that it helps us right now, but at least there's hope!) I hope you can figure things out, but if you don't, just hang in there, pray a lot, and don't give up hope. This too shall pass!!!

Try role playing. When he is having a fit or yelling/hitting, make him "reinact" the moment, but this time politely speaking. Then praise him and reward him for his GOOD behavior. Also, I have no idea what your home environment is like, but minimizing any yelling among other family members is good, too. I have noticed my oldest daughter speaking harshly to her younger sister and it is a complete repeat of me when I am angry w/ her. So I really need to work on my own behavior. (I'm not saying you need to do this, as I have no idea but I thought I'd mention it). Blessings to you and good luck. Maybe it's just a phase.

Hi Tiffani. One thing that I've tried with my over-the-top daughter, who is 6, is that when she gets really angry, instead of yelling or hitting, whe runs to her room and screams in her pillow as loud as she can and as many times as it takes until she can calm down. I first tried having her do this about 3 months ago and it really seems to work. When she starts to lose it, I say "go scream in your pillow" or something along those lines, and it seems to really help sooth her. And it also gives me time to calm down form extreme reaction, so when she comes down to talk about it, the anger is out of the equation. I hope this helps!

My son is almost five, and has been prone to the same behaviors lately. From talking with other moms, I have learned that aggression is typical behavior for boys this age.

In order to control the behaviors, we read that children who do this are frustrated and feel misunderstood, so acting the same way as they do kind of distracts them from their own behavior...we stomp our feet and yell "I'm angry" or "I'm mad", we throw ourselves on the ground and have a pretend tantrum, and all this amazingly distracts our son and we all end up laughing.

Hope this helps somewhat. Just know you're not alone!

you shoud go to his level look him in the eyes when you tell him what hes done wrong. i find that the naughty step or chair works. when he does wrong put him there for a set time and have him say sorry. also he may be looking for extra attention and maybe a little one on one time would work and family time to. make him feel important like when he picks up his toys or little things like that.

Hi,

I can suggest one thing. I do meditation and feel really peaceful from inside. You can try that with your kid and yourself too. You can visit www.sahajayoga.org and click on the experience now. Its free of cost. We have people from all the communities. You can also check if there's any meditation centre near your place and visit to see how we do the meditation. No need to sit for a long time..just 5-10 minutes in the morning and 5-10 minutes before you go to bed.

Regards,
S.

Regards,
S.

My daughter also began hitting and kicking - but it didn't last long. Sometimes I did pick her up and held her to stop her and try to soothe her. I do not know if this works as well with boys. I do think that some temper tantrums are normal - but also these young people need to start learning to control themselves. They have to be taught to calm themselves and it needs to be done with love and patience. I recently watched a Super-Nanny show where she worked with boys doing this exact thing. She was able to help a lot. Basically - you and your husband have to make the effort to set the boundries and keep up the effort - even when the child is wearing you out. I would make sure your son is getting plenty of play with mom and play with dad time - - face to face & side by side together time. This will give him the confidence that he is loved - very much! Then - when the dicipline is needed - it is not as hard (I do believe this is so true).

I am a mother of 4 grown children and have worked as a pediatric occupational therapist for 11 years. This is my suggestion.......when he starts his "acting out", firmly and in a normal tone tell him no. He needs to have an adult with him until he calms down, so that he doesn't hurt himself or others. Sit with him in time out or sit him on the adults lap, however turned away from each other. No eye contact and ignore (no words) until he settles. "No hitting" are the only words that should be used, again said very firmly. It will take a few days, but hopefully he'll respond. The most important thing for you as parents is to be together in your discipline beliefs and be consistant. Do what you say you will do, so that your children can learn to trust you! Good Luck S.

My son is 3 and will be 4 in May. He is also the exact same way as you describe your son to be.

In our case, my son has unfortunately gotten my temper. I am convinced that my son's behavior is learned from me. But you should also know that I am the type of mother that always blames myself first and is very critical of my own skills. Anyway, that aside, I figure if his temper is learned or innate, it doesn't matter. Kids learn by what they see. So, when he gets angry, screams at his younger brother, hits, stomps and yells at me, I calmly take him aside, I ask him why he is angry (it is important to validate his feelings and say words that describe his emotions) and that we should both take a deep breath and calm down. Then we count to 10. He is usually laughing soon.

I know this sounds hokey and all new age... believe me, I'm far from a perfect mother and I'm not all about talking to my kids every time they act up. I'm just trying to teach him how to handle his anger, and it helps me handle mine better because I don't want my son to end up like me. So it keeps me in check. This isn't going to stop his fits immediately, but what I am hoping it does is teach him how to cope when he's angry. I also had something recommended to me by a professional and she suggested getting him a special pillow or blow up figure for him to hit and yell at. It will help him get his anger out and express himself, but in the right capacity.

I think it's important for kids to have emotions and for them not to be stifled, but they also need to learn how to correctly handle them.

Good luck!

Hi Tiffany, It sounds like you are doing your best to try and take care of this situation. It seems you may have to try and figure out why he is so aggressive in the first place. A lot of times we try to change the behavior of our children but aren't getting to the heart of the child to find out why they're doing what they're doing in the first place. Have you tried talking to him about his anger to see if he will tell you why he's feeling that way. If talking to him doesn't help, maybe another person can help, perhaps a counselor. There are many children's therapists that are very good at getting children to open up, in a safe environment. Hope everything works out!

Try to ignore the behavior a couple days and see if that works. He might be realizing his older brother is being able to do big boy things and wants the same. Show him that behavior like that gets no attention from mommy and daddy unless he is hurting himself or about to hurt somesone else and show him when he acts like a big boy you will treat him like a big boy and maybe let him do something his older brother does depending on his age.

I have the same problem with my 5 year old fighting with my 9 year old.....gets mad, hits, yells, throws things.....He's so wonderful but get him mad and its all over...I too would like seek advice on what to do....