Seeking Moms Who Can Relate About Special Occasions

Maybe that's just his way of showing affection - ever read 5 love languages? maybe that would give some insight.

I wish I was more like your hubby. I try to be a thoughtful person, but I see so many times where someone else thinks of something that I never would have and I get jealous and mad at myself that I didn't think of it first, lol.
When I give something, I don't expect anything in return. That's the goal of giving. If we always expected something in return, it would called trading and not giving.
Don't get mad at him. I think it's endearing.

I think it's awesome that he's doing this!
I have a cousin that sends me a card for every holiday of the year... even the ones that sometimes don't make the calendar. If all of a sudden she stopped I would totally think something was wrong with her. I never send her cards and I love receiving them from her. She doesnt get pissed off that i dont send her anything. Your husband is a sweet and caring guy that gets a kick out of giving. His recognition is the smiles he gets when he delivers cakes or takes someone out to dinner, he needs nothing more than that. Hope that his graciousness will rub off on you and you will see it for what it really is. He is being a great role model for your children. Don't squealch his nature. He sounds adorable ;)

Hi, D.:

Love is patient, kind, and does not seek it's own way. (Remember that?)
Compassionate people love without expecting anything in return.

What is interesting that you stated: "...but none of them remember to send me a card...." That is a telling statement. You want something from not only your husband but others as well.

People have choices. They can respond or not.
Those who respond, then you know that they appreciate being remembered.
Those who don't respond, then you know that they are too busy to have a life with people who love them.

The real issue is that your needs somewhere are not being met.

What is the real issue undermeath all this information.
Are you jealous of your husband?

Just want to know.
D.

Is that why you remember special occasions - so other people remember yours? Do you give only to get?

Your husband sounds like a nice guy that enjoys doing special things for people and doesn't expect anything in return. That is very rare in this world.

I would stop nagging or questioning your husband's motivations and just appreciate him for who he is.

wow, i don't get it. you're mad at your husband for being a sweetheart and for not being able to force people who ARE NOT HIM to treat you the way he treats other people?
it makes my head spin!
reciprocity doesn't necessarily take the form of gifts and cards.
i never remember birthdays and when i do i almost never send a card. i might call. or not. that doesn't mean i don't love my family and friends. i show them in a myriad of other ways.
if one of them told me they felt angry or unloved because i 'neglected' to show them love by sending a hallmark-generated token, i'd tell 'em to grow the hell up and pay attention to the genuinely loving things i do for them at times other than those prescribed by marketing directors.
you should go kiss your husband. right now.
khairete
S.

It sounds like he is a really kind guy. He must enjoy it or he wouldn't do it. Why do you get mad though? Are you mad because they disregard your b/d and you really wish they would send a card? Maybe talk with him and tell him how you feel and that you don't want him to be taken advantage of--- see what he says. As for you, accept this is the way they are and try not to give it any power--some people just aren't good gift givers. Take care. M

I have always been one to do things how I want them, regardless of what others do. Even when they bother me, I always try to say I won't allow their actions to change me.

I am sure he will always be remembered as the one who always remembered my birthday!!!

If it makes him feel good to "give" you need to let him do it. He is giving from the heart which means he is not expecting anything in return, and that is what true giving is all about.
You are fortunate to have a man that cares like that. My husband doesnt know when anyones birthday is..... we got married on mine on purpose so that he will remember mine ;)
I'm the one that reminds him when it's time to call family on birthdays... he appreciates that I at least tell him when these days are. We dont really send cards or buy for anyone, it's not in our budget, but he is really good at calling to wish family happy birthday.

the bigger question than whether they appreciate it is why your so jealous of it. You sound like a 6 yr old asking why do I have to go to his birthday party when he doesn't come to mine. Sorry that sounds harsh but if you have a husband who is emotionally invested in family you should stick like glue and quit complaining about it. Is it financially hurting your family for your husband to show his family that he loves and remembers their birthday? is the other family involved able financially to do the same for him? or is the bigger question why don't they remember your birthday? seems like you said why in the first statement "he is the one who remembers and sends cards" it sounds like your jealous. sorry if thats not the answer you were looking for. maybe lighten up and remember that kids learn what they live so if your kids are being shown that making someone feel good on their birthday then they will go out and show that same kindness when they no longer live at home.

I understand your frustration with what is happening but that is his family and he wants to do something for them. As long as your family is not having to go without (and that is a biggy for me) a necessity than if that is what brings him joy than don't worry about it. It sounds as if he is doing it from his heart, and isn't that what we should be doing - not for what it will get us in return?

I know it is hard to stand by when you feel a loved one is being taken advantage of my their own family. I like the suggestion to tell him that is your concern and once you have stated your concern then you have to let it go.

Just my two cents. Good luck.

I am a giver and I do not think about whether it is reciprocated or not.. That is not the reason I give. I just love the feeling of giving the perfect gift and cards..
I do try to keep a budget in mind so that I do not go overboard, because I love giving to everyone.. It can get out of control.

I actually sat down one year and figured out how much I had spent and decided to try to cut back a bit.. I remember everybody's bdays, anniversaries..

Now where I get upset is when I tried to make sure we always attended all family gatherings with my husbands family and they made no effort to ever attend anything our daughter had going on all through her school years.. Of course they canceled trips and shifted things around to get to their daughters childrens events..

I now have my husband take care of his side of the family.. But we speak about the budget..

Well that is certainly crappy on their part and I'm sorry for that. I know it's hurtful. But, you really shouldn't discourage him from doing it. It is the nice thing to do, some may argue the "right" thing to do. He sounds like a kind soul and I wish that all the nice things he does for his family would be more recirpocated but the point is to give, not receive, right?? I know, easier said than done, but just try and keep on keeping on.

Is there a way you can ask your husband about this without appearing to be critical of him? "It amazes me that you are so kind-hearted about your family members' birthdays. Does it ever bother you that your relatives don't 'celebrate' your birthday the way you do theirs?" He'll answer, "Yes," "No," or "Maybe," and if he can elaborate a little on it you'll understand him better.

At my house, I'm the one who remembers, at least with a card, the birthdays of almost all the relatives (if I know their birthdays). They don't seem to care about it, and I don't think they even comprehend why I'd do such a thing, but I'm not trying to make them care. My "ulterior motive," I guess, is that people should be treated well when it's possible, and recognizing a birthday is one of the easiest ways to do it. Maybe that makes me weird.

There just recently was a question about when to stop giving to younger relatives, like teens and early 20's especially if they didn't sent a thank you.

I agree with a couple of the other posters, for ME it's about the giving. I do the things I do, because it's in my heart and soul to do it. IF I get a 'thank you' it's just a bonus.

Love and support your husband. He sounds like he is a keeper!

.

No need to be mad at him. If he notices (I'm sure you've brought his attention to it) that he doesn't get much in return, or the people don't care, and he still wants to do it that's his choice.

You shouldn't be expecting anything from them since you don't even want anything sent to them and you don't send them anything. Even if he puts your full family's name on it, you shouldn't want to receive if you don't give.

And really, people should give because they want to not to get something back, which is what it sounds like he is doing. I have one friend who sends everyone in his family stuff for their birthdays and holidays and then complains about all the people who don't return the favor EVERY YEAR. Annoying.
Just be sure to be good to him on his birthday and let him be nice. If it's truly a financial hardship to you guys you could tell him not to take them out to dinner, but don't make him stop sending cards. He sounds really really nice. It wouldn't bother me at all if my husband did that. It's only making you look good. No one knows you're home fuming about it, they think you're nice too. Basically, you're no nicer than they are in this regard-you're husband is just way nicer about this than everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not big on cards and I don't care who remembers my birthday or not, but I wouldn't hold it against the hubs if he was into that. As for what the other people are thinking, whenever we get cards from those type of people who send out lots of cards, I think, "Wow, that's so nice of them, I wish I was more thoughtful and organized..." and leave it at that. I do try to contact them with a thank you and catch up, but not everyone does the card thing for everyone. Your hubby is special.

He is a giver and you should never hinder that. I too struggle with giving lots and wondering why I havent gotten much back. Then I think back to how happy it makes me feel to give. Many things can stop someone from recognizing someones birthday. For one your older not 14, and a phone call to people a week before their birthday is a great way to remind someone to send a card. It's not always out of spite but out of stupidity. I know, I just lost my 12 yr old nieve to suicide and I rarely remebered her birthday. I honestly just forget then felt guilty about sending a belated birthday gift so I didnt send one. Some years I had no money to even do it (come from a large family)
Call people a week before and try not to get upset, giving doesnt mean always recieving it back. Also take him out and show him how appreciative you are that he is so awesome of a person to do such a thing.

He must get something out of being a giver and that he does not care much about receiving . I love to give and I try with the intentions of not getting it back. It is certainly not fair that they don't think of your family as well.

maybe you can agree on cutting back and not doing so much but he can still get his fulfillment to give.

I think your husband has a kind heart. I would be upset with him too about how much he is spending, talk with him about how much he is spending. I would say he can send inexpensive cards but no dinners unless it's close family.

I am the world's worst about birthdays, so keep that in mind ;-)

One thing that meant a lot to me is "The Five Love Languages" book. Different people show love in different ways is the basic premise. It helped me see the ways that my husband showed his love and I wasn't even recognizing them. Now I do see what he does as love and sometimes he shows me in "my language" that he loves me even though it isn't his most natural way of showing love. So it doesn't matter if they don't reciprocate in kind if they "speak" love to him in a different way. I hope this makes some kind of sense. Me, I'm terrible at giving (and receiving) gifts, but I am great at giving enouraging words of affirmation. And when I hear them, it means the world to me.

You are right - it's not fair that his parents and step parents don't acknowledge his or your birthdays. I am guessing he wants to keep up the relationships with his parents/step parents and your children. When your husband takes them out to dinner for their birthdays, do you go with? If not, maybe you should start going with and build a relationship with them and maybe they will start sending you b-day cards? If your husband is spending a lot of money on cards (which cost a fortune), he should stop doing that. The dollar store sells cards for .50, so he should buy cards from dollar type stores. Good luck.

My fiance and his family are like your husband and his family. He makes sure to call his family on their birthdays and holidays and sends cards and such. His family on the other hand either doesn't remember or doesn't bother. Even his mother and sister- if he wants to talk to either of them on his birthday or on holidays he has to make the call. (His mother doesn't like me at all and refuses to have my daughter and I at any functions so he ends up spending holidays with us except New Year's Day when his family has a huge get together. He goes by himself that day. Let me say that is his choice- I am always telling him to go spend part of the day with his family but he says he wants to be with us.) His mother and sister refused to come to a huge birthday party I threw him the 1st year we were together and another year they forgot about his birthday for 2 weeks. But my fiance makes it a point to remember every family member. He is just that kind of person. He gets joy out of giving to other people. His favorite part of Christmas is the giving. Seriously, he loves nothing more then gift giving. It's probably not about buying affection or a bother for your husband. He probably just enjoys giving to other people. My fiance knows he is loved (he, my daughter, and I are very close and very heart on our sleeve to each other). I think it's probably the same for your husband- he knows he is loved and that's all that matters to him. I think we are lucky to have someone like that- it translates into our everyday life too- he is thoughtful and giving (don't get me wrong- he does stupid guy things but he is just a good guy overall). I wouldn't let it bother me if I were you- just enjoy the thoughtful guy he is.

He sounds awesome!! He might be the sunshine they all need. A smile back is all he needs from them. Its really rare to find someone like your hubby, he is one of those rare roses. As long as he never forgets your bday who cares what others forget. If it makes him feel good, then feel good for him. Your the only one that needs to show appreciation for his niceness. Throw him a party with everyone he loves!

I read through some of the answers and they were so varied and interesting, People project sooooo much of their own lives and issues into other peoples questions, and i'll probably do the same.
I would probably be mad too. Here are my reasons and they might not be yours,
First it's not super masculine, and while i might not be the best at remembering stuff like that sometimes i feel that as the wife it's my job and he makes me look bad when he does stuff like that. And if his side of the family aren't that warm and welcoming to you, why should anyone -either you or him- go out of our way to remember them. Doubley so if it's the man doing it, meaning not only has your nuclear family gone out of the way to send a card, there is a doube effort there because it was your husband that did it. stereo typical yeah, so sue me, stereo types exist for a reason and in my world stuff like this that my husband does makes me mad. For me it's him baking pies to take to thanksgiving when both the families we eat dinner with are known for their excellent desserts so why does he insist on making pies from scratch that aren't as good as the pies the cooks have already made??? see dumb, but i guess that is his love language.
and like another poster said, maybe some how he is getting something back from them even if it's a feeling of superiority that he remember and made the effort. some times there is a part of you that needs to do stuff like this even though another part knows you'll be disappointed that they don't rave over the bday cake or the pumpkin pie. Personally i also find it a little embarrassing to see my husband try so hard and not be appreciated.
Maybe i need to be the one telling him good job?
I do see your side of this, atleast from my own experiences. I guess though in the scheme of things is it really worth getting mad about??, Is there really anything you can do to get him to stop or to get them to say thank you?

Hugs and Happy Birthday to you!

My husband is the same way. I think you should appreciate him and not be pissy and mad at him. And WHY would his family send YOU a birthday card or anything else when it appears you don't send them anything? And in the big picture, who cares??? 10 year olds act like this, not grown women with families. Appreciate your husband for showing love in ways that a lot of people don't, and be thankful that he's setting a good example to your kids. Don't worry about his or anyone else's motives, just do what you can to make yourself and your family happy. Nothing else really matters. Good luck.

If he doesn't look for repayment, then maybe he is one of the few people that do for others just for the sake of doing. My husband is kind of like that. He doesn't remember birthdays like that, but he will buy lunch for people or generally go out of his way for people. Often times he doesn't get anything in return, but he likes to help. He had a rough childhood, single mom that worked unbelievable hours and still struggled. So he hates to see people without. Maybe your husband does it for similar reasons. I think you should look at the deed he does, and not the return. Sounds like he's a unappreciated good guy, and as long as you appreciate him then that's all he needs.