Seeking Moms Who Can Help with a Slapping, Kicking, Spitting Problem

I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic, by I believe Dr. Phelan. I can't remember his first name, though. It will give you new insight on the way a child's brain works, and will teach you how to be consistent in discipline. It's for 2 to 12 year olds, and I'm telling you, even when I backslide a bit with it, when I get back to it, the kids know, and they abide. It's not easy, but when you use it the way it's intended, it works!!

J.,

I'm glad to see the other posts have been telling you you're not a bad mom. All kids (and grown ups) have bad days/moments.

I agree with the post who said that you need to be willing to just leave if you can't get control of your son (or he can't control himself). I think it sends a powerful message that he looses the privledge of being out with you if he can't "use his words. With that said, it's not always realistic to just leave - family functions, church, etc. I still suggest leaving the situation - dinner table, attraction, etc. whenever possible. Take him in a corner, bathroom, wherever there is as little stimulation as possible. Then tell him that his behavior is not acceptable and he need to use his words.

I think a lot of the "terrible twos" can simply be attributed to NOT being able to talk well OR being tired.

Try to be prepared for his outbursts. See if you can determine a pattern for his tantrums - is he getting frustrated becuase he's having problems talking? Is he overtired when you're trying to go grocery shopping?

The best "new" advice I haven't seen here is try to keep your son on a schedule. I've seen A LOT of unnecessary problems with kids simply because Mom had to "get one more thing done".

A good schedule that has worked VERY well for my family (I'm a SAHM) is that we run errands/do preschool in the morning. We come home for lunch, then we nap/rest. Then usually spend the afternoon playing, reading, going to the library (kids' stuff) until dinner time. Then I cook while they read/play in the play room until Dad gets home. Since you're working, see if your daycare provider can give you a copy of his schedule and try to stick to it, even on the weekends. Respect his naps/bedtimes to reduce outbursts.

If/When he does "melt down" address the immediate issue - spitting, hitting, etc. until he is calm. I like the hand holding technique the other parent posted. Let him know that he needs to use his words and that "we don't hit". He should not be allowed to return to the activity until he promises to "be nice" and say he's sorry. If he does it again, Leave. Then next time you have to go to the grocery store or wherever and he wants to come, tell him "I'm sorry but you didn't behave last time." It reinforces that if he won't behave, he doesn't get the privledges.

I tell my kids BEFORE we go into a store or restaurant, "If you don't behave, then they will ask us to leave. They only let NICE children come in." This really seems to help them to understand what is expected from the get go.

Best of luck! Be consistent and he'll understand what's expected of him.

I really agre with Jen who said to go to early intervention. my son is three and just took him to a place called therapedatrics since he is doing htis and the behavior is causing problems at home and friends and with out family turns out he has a tad bit of a sensory motor issue and after three sessions of therapy he is definitely doing better and finalyy starting to want to potty train. he is in a crib and diapers and bottle and it is all due to this modulation disorder that NO ONE still beleives he has ie my mother or mother in law or father or pedatrician. The therapsit evaluated him and he was accepted with flying colors. It is amazing when they ask questions and you willbe like yes he does that and will not realize that was an issue. TO be honest I brought him in for the potty training and the crib and he fell all the time running. Everyone told me that is just boys and he will out grow it well they were wrong it was more than that. If your son had an ear infection you would take him to the dr well this is like that he has something going on why dont you just check it out is is usually covered by insurance too! we pay nothing !
I would seriously checkinto putting him on a probiotic an allergy free kind like the one from Klaire Labs. It come highly recommended from allergist and pedatrician and licensed nutritionists! Many times and over growth of yeast will cause thi type of behavior too. and so do food intolerances or allergies. Hope this helps, I knwo it is a lot to do but I know you will see a difference in the behavior his speech and you will feel so relieved and less pressured. hang in there and good luck!
J.

Ah, the joys of parenthood...:-) I tend to lean towards the explanation after discipline method like super nanny myself. If you immediately tell them what they are doing is unacceptable and place them in a true time out, you will go pretty far. ANyone in public who looks down on you for disciplining your child is obviously not a parent of a child who at any time might do this to someone at church, to grandma, etc..etc..Don't worry about what they think, ignore them. One of the biggest mistakes we can make as parents is not taking care of business because we are afraid of what some little lady in walmart thinks. She raised her kids and used whatever method worked for her, and this is YOUR child, so you take what you can take and do what you have to do to come out with a child who knows the rules. Honestly, I am not against spanking, but your child is old enough to be disciplined every single time and benefit from it. Watch ABC for Super Nanny and use her tactic, it does work..Good luck, let us know it goes, stay with it!

Hi J.,
I have taught preschool and have taught the 2's for 4 years now. I have to agree with the posts that mention that perhaps some of this may be related to a speech development or sensory issue. Although I also think all of the behavior management ideas for kids in general are great too! Who is his primary caregiver during the day and what sort of behavior management does she/he use? Hopefully he is not seeing this sort of behavior from an adult. I'm sorry, I just don't know enough about the situation.

This could be causing some of the problem too if your caregiver does one thing in some situation and you do another.. Consistency is so important in discipline and setting limits. VITAL for 2's who love to test limits.. (and kids/teenagers in general!)

And 2's do like to assert themselves and think they are the center of the earth developmentally speaking regardless if they have other developmental issues.

He must be having some pretty bad episodes for you to think someone may call DCFS. I'm sorry you feel that way. You are not alone. We all have experienced out of control youngsters. Its a matter of the frequency and intensity of these outbursts and if you are able to calm him down fairly reasonably.

I have never had a parent regret having a strong willed child evaluated. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Most importantly your peace of mind that perhaps with some behavior management techniques, your son's negative behaviors will lessen. Or perhaps your son will qualify for some speech therapy or therapy to address any sort of issues. So so many parents have thanked me for encouraging an early evaluation.
The pediatric place in crystal lake offers free evaluations.
good luck!

Why would someone call DCFS because your son is being two? If you are sitting there beating him in the store, I can see people making comments or doing something about it but if your son is just being difficult...ignore the comments.

When my son would act out that way, we left. I left the cart, I'd leave the table (at a restaurant), or the park, whatever. If he wouldn't cooperate, I'd pick him up and carry him where I wanted him to go. Sure, it can be embarrassing, but giving in will only teach him that having a fit will get him what he wants.

We've all been there where our little ones are out of control. ACTUALLY, now that I think about it, it happened this weekend at my best friend's cookout. Jacob was having a fit because he wanted to play on a scooter. Finally, we packed up to leave and he sobbed and sobbed. My husband was able to talk to him (he was in anti-Mom mode) and he came up to me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to stay. I warned him that if he had to go in time-out again, we would leave. He was fine from that point on. AND, he never got to touch the scooter.

As a Mom, I don't have an issue with a child acting out in public. I do have an issue with the parents that give in and give their screaming child whatever they want to avoid being embarrassed.

Sure, it will pass. But, there will always be something else. Lol.

People are way too judgemental these days. I get glaring eyes at the store when my son is loud. My son will be 2 in Aug and has REALLY hit TERRBILE 2's. He throws a fit for EVERYTHING. He's been difficult since birth so I am blessed with a first born spirited/difficult child. Sometimes I can handle him and other times I cannot and I yell too much. I have a babysitter who comes M-F for 4hrs or so b/c I work from home. He never throws a fit for her. He is an angel for her! He is down right terrible for me almost 99% of the time.

So do your best. Take time outs and ask for help when you need it!

L.

I have a book suggestion for you. Now, of course, this will pass, and it feels like you're in the middle of a war with your child right now, but he may be trying to tell you something that he can't figure out for himself.

I don't know if you've heard of it, but the book, The Five Love Languages for Children, is wonderful for figuring out what your child needs and how to express love and discipline in a way that he'll accept it.

Try it out!
God bless,
C.

It will pass, but DO NOT GIVE IN! If you are in a public situation, like the store, leave your cart and leave! I know it is hard especially when you need something. But, we dad comes home, or if you need a sitter, tell hime he can not go shopping again with you until he behaves properly. He will soon learn, as I did as a kid(according to my mom), that he will want to act right to go shopping. Do not worry about what others think. One time at a resturant, my then 18mo, hit his head and was screaming. I excused myself to the lobby to calm him and some lady said does he do this often? I looked at her and said he hit his head....now how big do you feel? Do not assume that bc he is crying that he is having a fit. She walked away with apologies flying from her mouth. Also, most of the people who are saying that never had kids!! Those who have understand and just want to help. Also never forget to praise for what he does right and when he does not expect it. Remember that it could be a cry for attention, b/c you do work and he does not have you to himself, since he is in the superego stage.

who has the nerve to tell you your a bad mother?! all kids act out at one time or another and if someone thinks you're a bad mom because of that they obviously do not have kids. this too shall pass.

I agree with the other moms' posts below - remove your emotion and deal with the problem as it happens and swiftly. As for the comments you recieve, I think having a canned response might get people to shut their mouths and think before they decide they should comment on a situation.

For example, my sister in law had my niece on a plane when she was 18 or 24 months or so. My niece was acting out and wouldn't be quite. Screamed, hit her mother, etc. The flight attendant said that my sister in law needed to "quiet the child immediately." (Never mind that she was strapped into a carseat - she was just making a lot of noise.)

My sister in law told the flight attendant, "There is $100 in my purse. If you are successful in quieting her then you can have it. Otherwise, back off." It was effective and made the flight attendant realize that my sister in law was doing all she could to keep my niece quiet and that it just needed to pass.

For the nosey mall moms, maybe something along the lines of, "I'm sure you're up for mother of the year award -- good for you." If they say they don't have children, something along the lines of, "Oh, just what this world needs, more armchair, wanna be parents." They'll get the picture.

And know that while every age will bring about a stage, this too shall pass. You're not a bad mom -- your son is just going through a phase and you're adjusting your responses to his new behaviors so you can teach him to be the person you want him to be. Hang in there!!

Hi J.- I am a SAHM of 4 ages 9,7,5, and almost 2. I had ben a teacher for children with emotional problems in Michigan before our move to IL 3 years ago. Although my son has not been spitting- he does hit on occasion. I calmly hold his hands and explain "No hiiting" in a calm but firm tone. I wait 30 seconds or so and say "You need to tell_____ you're sorry." Sometimes he says no so I hold his hands and wait another minute or so and repeat. After once or twice he apologizes. I have found a overly huge reaction makes it almost a game. Also you have to be prepared to stop what you are doing- at the store the park etc and address the problem the same way every time. It will take a while but as long as you are consistant and leave YOUR emotions (I know it is hard!!) out of HIS behavior it WILL pass.
Best of luck
B.
PS Your are a good mom. Some kids have a hard time at age 2!

J.~

Your not a bad mom. We have all been there! I know with my son (he is 15 mths) he can get over stimulated while at the store/mall. All the lights/colors and even people sometimes overwhelm him and he starts to hit, kick, scream, cry....I try to calm him down but sometimes we just leave the store and I'll go back when I can. I also try to go out after breakfast but before nap time (when everyone is happy!) to get my errands done.

I have also started to sign with Daniel and it has helped some (we are only up to 4 signs right now)when he needs a drink or snack he can let me know before a huge meltdown takes place.

I soooooo agree with one of the other posts about having a good schedule. I have found with my family a schedule is what saves us.Both my husband and I work in public safety so our hours are all over the place. We sat down with our nanny and all of us created a great schedule for the kids that all 3 of us stick to....there are days the schedule gets off...but we get right back on as soon as we can.

I know for us we are in the EI (Early Intervention)Program. Daniel is a twin and he had some birth issues (his twin, Audrey is fine). When I brought his frustration problems that had him evaluated by a DT and now we are looking at having him evaluated by a speach person. I feel most of Daniel's tantrums are because he can't tell me what he needs....

I don't know if EI would be right for you but it never hurts to ask for an evaluation...even if he does not qualify for the program they give you tons of ideas and things to try to help fix your problem/issue.

Good luck!

Jen

Mom to three great kids...ages 3 and 1 (twins)