Seeking Moms for Discipline

Read the book or watch the DVD: 1-2-3- Magic No spanking and no yelling, should do the trick...great discipline program

First of all, thank you for your sacrifice that you are making as a military wife. I too am a military wife and I know first hand how hard it is to do things on your own. It's the single mom lifestyle! Very hard and at times you feel so not appreciated...but you are.

Your son is testing you and that's normal. The thing that must be hard is that you don't really have that help, or that fatherly disciplinary figure that he may have been lucky to have when he was younger. Now that your husband is gone that has put you into that position. You'll learn with time, I've seen many other military moms have to do the same. If he is hitting or not listening, put a little chair in a corner and tell him if he doesn not want to listen then he can take a seat and he is not able to get up until you say so. If he moves or gets out, just calmly put him back and turn the chair around. You may have to do this several times. Let him know that he is not welcomed to do what he wants because ultimately you have the control. The chair works! My daughter stopped hitting me and now when she starts to act up I just say..."Do you want to go to the chair?". Of course she doesn't and she'll even say she's sorry now. It was hard to get her to stay in that chair at first, but now it works like a charm. It was most hard for me to listen to her cry and scream but it's a learning thing for the both of you.

As far as the dog? I have 4...and an 18 month old that loves to pull legs and tails. I've started to squirt her with a water bottle everytime she gets close to them. It also scares them and teaches them to get away from her when she comes near. It sounds weird, but it works. The last thing that I'd like to see happen is any of them getting hurt and the water just catches their attention and shoos them away. Try it and if that doesn't work, you may have to seperate them all with a baby playpen or putting them into little kennels until your son is old enough to realise that he is hurting them.

Good luck to you and all that you do. It's not easy doing what you do!

S.

Hi M., I read your posting and I commend you for desiring to discipline your child. I can only image how tough it must be for you with your husband gone. I would just encourage you to be consistent with whatever disciplinary action you choose. We have 3 children, ages 6, 3 and 18 months. Our rule is verbal warning first, then spanking the next. When I am not consistent that's when things get out of hand. When children realize that you truly mean what you say and that every time there are consequences, the will respect your authority. I hope this helps.

Hi M., I have spoken with SEVERAL moms and grandmothers (like myself) and believe me when I say you are not alone! It would just break my heart everytime my granddaughter would do this, not just to me but even to her great grandparents. I just let her know that it gives me a boo boo and then off to time out AGAIN. Consistancy, that seems to the only way and then she has to say, "I'm sorry Gigi for hitting you" to let me know she gets it. That's not to say it won't happen again. I think it is just a way they deal with an emmotion that their little brains have just not reached an understanding with on how to deal with. Now I am a believer in spanking but in handling this I particular situation I'm afraid it is fueling it by showing that I hit, kinda the do as I say and not as I do message. They aren't quite ready mentally to separate the two messages. Hang in there, I'm sure your a great mom just as my daughter is too, so don't take it personnaly and I know it can be imbarrassing at times. After she acknowledges with an apology I give her lots of hugs and kisses but when it happens again (and it will) I ignore her and off to time out with an explanation (whether she listens or not). I know it seems to exhaust you but like I said just hang in there. Sincerely, Bella's Gigi.

Hi M.,
Thank your husband for his service for me. That said,I have always been a single mom. Is there something your son is trying to tell you when he does this? Is he trying to get your attention? Maybe when you get face to face with him to have "that talk" keep it short and sweet. Tell him that there are other ways to get mommys attention and it is unacceptable to hit ANY girl,especially mommy and make him apologize and then take away a favorite toy? You can also keep a calm BUT stern voice when having the short and sweet talk. If he gives you a reason for why he did it,make sure to acknowledge that you heard what he said,repeat it back to him and then say,but I am still the mom and this is how things are going to happen....." This also works well when children are arguing with you....they think you're not hearing them which is why they keep repeating themselves when being naughty. Hope this helps and God Speed your husband home.
Dee-Dee

Your child is probably acting out to test his boundaries. Stay firm and consistent with your limits and let him know what to expect if he desides to cross the line, i.e., time out, toys taken away, tv privelages removed, etc. I have two books I'd like to recommend, both are christian based, I hope that's not offensive. They both are great resourses for setting boundaries and helping to establish harmony within the family unit:
Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman, and Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud.

Hang in there!

{{HUGS}} As if being a parent wasn't already challenging, being a military wife adds so much more to the mix!!

Have you tried different places for time out? Chairs, floor, stools, etc? What ended up working for my daughter is standing at the wall with her nose touching. You thought you'd beat her she'd cry so bad!! But when that wasn't bothersome to her we added that she has to have her arms sticking straight out-for 7 mins!!! Boy, she hates that!! When he hits you, tell him that isn't nice to hit others, put him in his time out spot, then make him tell you he is sorry and give you a hug. They key is to keep doing the same thing over and over again in order for him to understand you mean business. He probably doesn't take you serious for a few reasons, one, he is at that age of testing and finding independance. Two, he knows daddy isn't home and I'm assuming he was the one who laid done the law so to speak. Three, he is so used to getting way with things with you that it just comes natural for him. Also, you might want to try this-how ever you mostly communicate with your hubby have your son tell him every day what he did that was bad. If you send emails, help him type up an email telling daddy how he hit you, didn't listen, etc. And have daddy respond back on how that makes him sad that his little boy isn't being good for mommy why he is gone. Your son is at that age where he doesn't want to disapoint anyone either!!

Good luck and hang in there!!! At least you know you aren't alone!
S.

I feel your pain!!! I am a military spouse/single parent too. Well, not any more but, when my son was around three(now eleven) my husband was in saudi, or turkey or korea... you name it. I didn't have the hitting I think our thing was kicking but, he did not take me seriously. If daddy told him something - even over the phone- he did it. Me... well after telling him about 300 times to do something, I would get frustrated and start yelling, time out, then a spanking then when we were both crying and exhausted and frustrated, I would give up. The hitting is unexceptable! Okay, my solution. Watch Nanny 911. I wish I had her then because we didn't figure it out for a few more years. Be patient, be firm.
1. He hits
Tell him no firmly. Tell him to tell you sorry and if he hits again he is going to his designated time out spot (a corner or somewhere else boring)
2. He hits again
Tell him no firmly and put him in time out for three minutes.(one minute per year of his life) He may come out put him back without reacting, he may come out again, put him back, he may come out again. Each time he comes out, time stops until he goes back in. "ignore" him each time and while he is in time out.
When his time is up explain to him why he was in time out, make him apologize, tell him that hitting is not nice and if he does it again he will go back into time out.
I promise that if you do this two or three times... you will be done with it for good.
He is also probably reacting to daddy being gone, it is probably not as complex as your missing your husband but, he realizes dad's not there and that things are not the same in the household.
The discipline works the same way for how he treats the dog just rephrase your explaination and make him apologize to the dog.
I really hope this works. If you need someone to talk to in general about being a military wife please feel free to write me. I know and understand exactly what you are going through.
K.

Being consistent is key.

Try not to yell.

And here's the thing: Your son is getting the exact response from you that he's looking for. He wants you to shout at him so he can justify his reasons for hitting you. He wants you to fail at being serious about your attempts to discipline him simply because he's 3 and wants his way.

That being the case, the logical approach would be to give him a warning first not to hit. The next would be to give him time out longer than what you're doing now.

Don't explain anything to him. Too many words will confuse him and he'll just keep doing what he's doing because he's not using words - he's using reactions. Just say "NO! That's hurts!"

There's also tone. When you use a nuturing or hurt tone, he won't take you seriously. Keep your voice low and use the word NO very strongly (please don't shout). Be consistent about the tone when you discipline. Use a different mommy tone when you are praising or explaining things to him (teaching and loving tones).

Children base their existance on reactions from adults. I do "this" so you'll do "that" kind of thing. Some kids think it's a game and will continue to do it as long as it's getting the reaction from the parent that they are looking for.

Be patient. This parent thing takes a lot of patience :)

My experience is that if it works for a special needs child it works for all. I learned from my son's special ed teacher when he was 3 that when he hit in stead of yelling or hitting back put him on my lap and wrap my arms around him and hold his while I hug gold him so he can't hit again. I didn't do it in a mean manner and I didn't hold him real tight just snug and I told him no not hit..we did this over and over and over again he finally stopped..it's something most kids go through special needs or not. They finally stop the behavior. Also as you sound like you do get eye level and state what you want or need for him to do in short sentences a long lecture at 3 yrs old well even in a calm voice will just not keep his attention. I you are having to yell at him to listen then what you are telling him maybe in to long of sentence's and honestly at 3 his attention span is short. I can say even with a special ed child my experience with spanking and yell never proved to be helpful to me or the child. Now I have 2 other children not special needs and I used what I learned from the special ed teacher on them and it helped them as well so I know many techniques for special ed work on all children. If you do use time out it can only be as many minutes as the age of the child if he gets up you take him back I found I too had to sit with the child durning the time out..time out was first used for children to re-group so to speak it's not really to be used as punishment as I learned from that teacher. Hope some of this helps just letting you know my experience with my kids, best of luck to you...

Hi there! My name is J. & I'm the mother of five children, ages 9 to 3. It's definitely the odd numbered years that are harder than the even number years, so just know that age 4 will be better :-) Each one of my children is different and has responded differently to various forms of discipline. Bottom line, clearly communicating your expectations/boundaries, consistent follow through with consequences and repetitive training work with any child. My suggestion to you would be to immediately correct the child verbally (and stop his physical aggression) - isolating the child for minimum of 5 minutes (on bed/stairs) - followed up by reconciliation (I love you. You may not hit me.) and training (you need to show him how to have self control - this is a learned habit, not something they already know). To do this, you may implement "sit time" for several minutes each day. "Sit time" is when you require him to sit on the sofa/stairs/wherever with his hands folded (so he has self control) and body still. You start at 1 minute and work up to 15. This does work...I've done it with all five of my little ones and they were able to do this at age 3 (although my youngest has been a bit more resistant to my training - but he's a red head, so I kind of expected it!). It takes work and persistence on your part, but will pay off in huge dividends later. Best wishes!!

J.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is older he won't depart from it.

I see you have a very self-willed little boy. You are right, he is not taking you seriously, but it is not your fault. This type of child will not respond to calm talking (besides he is ONLY 3 yrs old, not a reasoning adult), he sees you as being weak. By having him sit down and look you in the eye you are giving him control over you. Is there some sort of leverage you can use on him, like is there a toy he enjoys playing with, an activity he truly enjoys? You must be firm and calm when he hits you or does something else wrong, and take something away. He has been taking away your peace!!!!
I am an Air Force wife (over 23 years) and my husband has done TDYs and short deployments his entire career. I have 9 children (ages 23 to 6), and am currently in the midst of a 2 month deployment.

Hi M.,
Let me just say my son who is 6 now used to be just like that. I used the time out and talking nicely, now now honey let's not do that. But then I woke up, I started to really get after him. I didn't want to be a "spanking" parent but it was the only thing he responded too. My husband and I kept our word when we told him things. The key is to be the parent and be consistant with your punishments. I know have a kid that I can take to Target and won't scream his head off because he can't get a toy. Don't be afraid to be the parent and let him know you are the parent and he's just the kid.
Good Luck!!

first -God bless you for your families sacrifice at this time in your sons young life. !!! Thank you from my whole family for your sacrifice, your husband's, and your son's-freedom isn't free.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be not to ever yell again. Once it is a habit, it is terribly hard to break. I know this from personal experience-with two sons now 10 and 7 and daughter 2. Boys are a unique creation and a great way for you to practice patience. I am saying all this with a cheeky smile, but it is more true than silly. The old question "how many times do I have to tell you?" Is best answered by, "as many times as it takes til I remember." It so often seems like they will never never get it- whatever the current "it" is. Laying on the dog or hitting- But you cannot give up-ever unless you are ready to give up your job as Mom- ! Sometimes it takes til the 10,000th time for boys to start to respond, but they do respond eventually, you just have to trust that. Take care of yourself so that you have tons of energy-positive energy- to lavish on your son. Whether it be yoga, a nap, girls night out, reading, singing- make sure you get breaks or your well will run dry. So thats two pieces of advice- no yelling, take care of yourself so that you have love to give and finally, be consistent- be boringly predictable and consistent. I could reccommend a bunch of parenting books that have helped me - but you probably have a library full. Good luck and again, thank you and your family!

Hi M.,

When my daughter turned 2 my pedicatrician recommended a book for discipline. She is very strong-willed and has always been a difficult child. It hasn't changed her personality, but it has helped tremendously with her listening. The key is consistency. The name of the book is 1-2-3 Magic by Tohmas W Phelan, Ph.D. It takes a week or two for them to catch on but if you are consistent it will definitely help.

Good luck!!

Check out this book: Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. She has a site so you can Google it and find it that way. My newly turned 4 yo seems to have a hard time listening to me too but we found that when we used the tools in Connection Parenting it really helped. I have a hard time not yelling but try not to and found that I had to yell less when we used the tools from the book. Really worth getting it and you can put them to use by the time you read the very first chapter.

I second the suggestion for 1-2-3 Magic... your son is a perfect age for it! It really is a tool to help parents modify their reaction to behavior (like spanking and yelling). A lot of times kids act out to get our attention and push our buttons. 1-2-3 Magic takes that power away from them because it teaches you how to be a calm, rational, parent with clear limits and boundaries for your child to follow.

Also, my son is special needs and wrapping him in a hug has really helped us as well. Hitting is just a way (inappropriate way) of them releasing their aggression. More appropriate ways would be to clap your hands or stomp your feet, both which might appeal to your son.

Spanking for hitting just doesn't make any sense. Those are just two words that are synonymous of each other. You want to model the behavior that you want your child to have instead, by being calm and rational and redirecting his aggression.

You can do this :)

It's very sweet of you to realize that spanking and yelling can be replaced by other ways to communicate with him. You mean well but I guess it's hard sometimes to do the right thing, isn't it? All of us have been there. I think he is too small to do things to purposedly disrispect you. Generally teens do that kind of stuff. I think he feels that something is missing in the household (daddy, mommy being relaxed and serene, perhaps?), Also maybe he is bored? Does he go to daycare/play with other children on a regular basis? He has so much energy at his age, sometimes they don't know how to express it! Also, many children at his age act up like that when frustrated...he will grow out of it. I would just ignore him completely when he hits you, move his hands away from you when he tries to hit you, go in another room, just cut down his power, if you know what I mean. Try not to make a big deal out if to see if he hits you beacuse he is sure to get a reaction out of you. Go back when he is calm and kiss him, so he knows you still love him.In the meantime I think it would help if you don't hit im anymore: maybe he has learned that from you? Good luck, you are a good mommy!