"Seeking Moms All Over"

M.,

You're only one woman! Sounds like a very competent and kind woman, but still there is only so much one can do in a day! I would not feel bad asking for some public assistance (i.e., food stamps, maybe housing...) I'm usually not in favor of such government assistance, but in this case I believe this is what the programs were intended for. Temporary help. You are going to cause yourself to have a heart attack if you keep going at this pace. There are also volunteer agencies that arrange volunteers to come and help. Get that phone book out and find some help. It is noble and so very, very kind of you to try to make a difference in all these lives, but what good are you to anybody if your body shuts down from all this stress? Talk to your boss, your friends, anybody you can talk to. It helps to know you are not alone. You can talk to be anytime. I wish you luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

V. T.

No harder than the day you just had. If you made it through this one you will continue to make it throught the rest. My hat is off to you, you do have a lot on your plate but it sounds like family comes first as it should. I can only say once in a while try to take some time to yourself you need that to rejuvinate. A trip to the park with the kids could be a great time just park yourself next to the play area where you can see the whole area let them play and you sit relax enjoy watching them have fun because in the end that's what it is about.

It sounds like you need a break now, not that that will make your problems disappear. Money sounds like a big concern, have you checked with your job about the paid family leave act (allows for at least 6 weeks paid leave per year to care for a loved one) they should have information for you. Howabout state disability (not taxable)for your husband (they have short and long term)? Keep track of your medical bills because you may be able to write them off your taxes. Also, it is important that you work with a social worker on the benefits that might be available including; paratransit for therapy/appts., home health nurse, and make sure you push push push for as much therapy as possible! Stroke patients can rehab for many months post stroke and show improvement. Your situation sounds complicated by your sister's family. You can only take on so much, you can recommend that they go to therapy, otherwise you need to protect your family. If it isn't good for her children it is not good for yours. Maybe there are resources for you and your family to get an accessible home/apartment. Good luck!

While I have never been close to being in a situation like yours, I think you are awesome and doing a great job! I am reading an excellent book "This is not the life I ordered". You should check it out. Maybe only a few pages a night, if you can find the time. It is wonderful and motivational. It shows you that when life seems really hard, there is always tomorrow-and that tomorrow undoubtedly will be a little easier.
You are right. You do not need the drama. Neither do your children or husband. Try to get your own place and help out with the kids in a positive environment. I think that would help them even more.
There is hope. Life will get better. Karma always shines through at some point-probably when you are least expecting it. Hang in there and be proud of what you have already done!

My heart goes to you. You need to talk to God about your problems and believe and trust in him. He will solve your problems. It's a matter of having faith. Tomorrow will get better. Just believe. Please don't think that I am trying to take advantage of your situation. I have a home buisness. If you feel like you need extra cash and flexibility feel free to contact me. The only thing that I can tell you right now is that there is no cash investment. I hope to hear from you soon! I know your situation will get better. And best of, all God will resolve your problems. God Bless You!

WOW - I don't have an answer, but my heart goes out to you. I read your words, but feel a deeper pain and fear that is overwhelming. I don't know how you do it. I do think maybe you should share some of this burden because people aren't designed to go it alone. Your instinct to protect and provide for everyone is normal, but they also need to know you're human. You don't teach your kids to cope unless they see you doing it - and what they see right now is some superwoman beyond measure. Please share with your sister your concern about your effect on her kids/marriage. Let her voice her concerns back to you and maybe somewhere in the middle you find a solution. Talk to your brother-in-law and let him know you see the strain on his marriage and you want to help. Did you ever in your wildest dreams think you could survive all this? You are doing it. You are a survivor. God doesn't allow Satan to give more than we can bear so keep in mind you are a very strong woman!

I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you are going through. I went through some really tough times too a few years ago. I realized then that I had to become proactive. I can't let life keep spinning out of control but I needed to take charge. I needed to set some boundaries and get out of some unhealthy relationships. I read Psalms from the Bible (Ps. 55:6) and CoDependent No More (Melody Beattie). Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend) is a good book too - actually any of their books (they are counselors) are great. Have you read Purpose Driven Life (Rick Warren)? It kind of sets life in perspective. Sounds like you don't have much time to read, but most of these books come on DVD. I have realized that the only thing I really have control over in my life are MY choices - everyone is responsible for their own behavior and choices. So, good luck to you - I know your life is going to get better!
M.

My dearest M.,

Tommorrow could be really hard BUT from what I have read YOU ARE A COMPASSIONATE,HARDWORKING,LOVING PERSON and I admire your ability to keep going. I really don't have an answer just that you have to put things in perspective and do what you can. I am really happy that I was able to read your letter because I have no right to complain about a darn thing with knowing what you are going through and you are still pushing forward. Your family is truely blessed to have you.I know you may not feel it or see it but you are setting a wonderful example of how people should be with one another. I know you are feeling a little overwhelmed but you have what it takes to overcome. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers and just know that as long as you are waking up in the morning you have another day to do things better,make better choices and touch peoples lives.
J.

M.,
My advice to you is to take it one day at the time, Trust in the Lord he usually provide, and try to go to Health and Human Services and Inquire about the help you need for Financial and help to take care for your Husband there some help there you just gonna find it and give it sometime it just take long and be patient waiting, sometime you get frustrated but thats how the Gov't works, Their slow with the paper works, but if you are qualify it's a blessing.

Hang in there,
M.

You have much on your plate and it sounds like you are doing great! Without even knowing you I can tell that you are a strong woman. Just keep praying and I am sure that if you are faithful, God will be even that much more faithful to take care of you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
S.

You'll make it one day at a time! You should pat yourself on the back for all that you're doing. Does your husband have any disability insurance (perhaps through his employer)? Also, if your employer offers an option for a flexible spending account, you should sign up. This will help with paying for therapy bills, prescriptions, etc. Contact the county to see if you can get respite care for yourself. Depending on your finances it could be very little or no cost. You need a break as a caregiver!! I'm also sorry to hear about your sister's family issues. It's hard not to take those on. Be supportive of the kids, and the thing is to get them out of the house on the weekends if possible. Take a walk with everyone or go to the the park & let them play. It won't be perfect, but try to enjoy the little things you do have. It's therapeutic for everyone!

Hi M.,
That is a very tough spot to be in and my heart and my prayers go out to you. I don't know what I would do in the same situation but I know I'd be praying my brains out. I know when I hear our Pastor his name is Jon, and he speaks out things that talk to me no matter what the situation is and I always feel much better. Even if you had a few minutes or as little as an hour you need other women to lift you up and keep you on track. I am 46 years old and I have two kids, 24 year old son who is in the Air Force and my daughter who is 5 and here with my husband and I. I look back at some little problems we have had and boy oh, boy I am glad I have the friends from Church. It's what keep me sane. You need an outlet of some kind and if ever you need a shoulder. I have two! Take care and hope to hear from you again. I pray for peace to fill your brother-in-law. I am here in Tracy if you are close. I take my little one to the Parks here in Tracy. My daughter has too much pinned up energy, so maybe the Nieces and Nephews do too. It always the place a kid can just be a kid and have fun and not have to worry.
Take care and we are all out here for you.
R.

Hello M., I know exactly what your going through, I got back with my high school sweetheart after many years, ended up having a baby at the age of 32 and when she was three months he tried killing himself. Its not the same as having a stroke but the after math is some what the same. He can not walk any more, he cant speak clearly, he is in a bed 24 hrs a day. I have to feed him, change him , bath him and everything. We have a care taker that comes in 8 hrs a day ,5 days a week. We have to put him in a lift to get him into a wheel chair. It is so hard. I was devistated. He was in a home for a few months but they did not take care of hi right, so I thought I could take him home a care for him. Yes its been 3 years now but last year I was diagnosed with Rheumitoid Arthrities and now I have to look for some where for him to go. Its to hard to take care of him now. He has been a blessing ..... I will pray for strength for you, I will pray for your whole family. I feel for you so much, If you have any questions please e-mail. I hope you can find a way through this.

S.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!! There are soooo many nights I go to sleep thinking will it get any easier. It seems when things get so bad that I have a hard time moving something small comes along and shows me that there is more to this life then stress and heartbreak!! Just keep your chin up and know that it is ok to fall apart some days! I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless

WOW! Maybe you shoul cut yourself a little slack. You have taken on immense responsibility and are doing it brilliantly. Right now it is "cut wood, carry water" time and it may be best to focus on the day, or even just the moment so not to get any more overwhelmed. Your children are lucky to have such a good mommy. Bless you. You will come through the other side of this beautifully.

Hey M., Yes tomorrow will be easier. Take one day at a time. be patient and gentle. i once heard that God(or whatever higher power you believe) only gives us what we can handle. You will survive this a stronger person who will never take for granted health, love, or kindness.
my thoughts are with you. Tomorrow WILL be easier if you don't drink alcohol or do drugs. even though they may seem like a good temporary solution to escape, they will make you tired and you will never be sharp-minded to make the best decisions for your family. Additionally, when you drink or do drugs your mood is likely to change to bad. Handling children, or a physically challenged husband when you're tired or in a bad mood is going to add significantly to your stress level. Stress management includes eating well getting rest (as much as you can...) YES Tomorrow will be easier.

M.,
You may not want to here this but I have the impression that there is a part of you that is receiving some gratification from all that you are doing. Logically you know you need a break but you continue to always try to save the day. Don't get me wrong, you are DEFINITELY a hero in my book. But I would like for you to let today be the day that you step down off the pedastal and reach out to others for help. Putting your request in writing here is a great start because you will get alot of support. When I say that you should reach out I am speaking mainly of those outside of the family unit you live with. Because I think if they wanted to do more for you they would have done it by now. Not to sound cliche... but this would be a great time to find God! Meaning, start meeting people at church functions, PTA, the grocery store, the park, just be friendly and tell them exactly what you are going through. Trust me, when you are open and willing to accept help you will find many that want to give. When I gave birth to my last baby I told a friend how tired I was by dinner time and my other kids weren't eating the healthiest of meals. She took it upon herself to call a few of my other friends and organized about two weeks of frozen or easy to cook meals for me to keep on hand! It was an amazing gift, and the only reason I received it was because I shared my struggles with someone else.
Tomorrow will only be as hard as you make it. Let go of the control and be willing to accept yourself as you are, not what you wish you could be for everyone. Don't be ashamed to check into any government assistance you may qualify for as well (food stamps, section 8 housing,etc.).

Although I don't have any words for tomorrow, I can offer you words of encouragement :)

First I want to congratulate you for doing such an awesome job. I work full-time with a 14 month old son and am the main "bread winner" of the family and it is VERY hard. And I see your situation...WOW, you have a lot to be proud of. Your husband and children are very lucky to have a strong woman like you in his life.

On the otherhand, there is a point we all reach where we need to put down some limitations. I truly believe in giving...I believe giving helps us build a sense of purpose and self worth. And I think it is truly awesome that you can be a positive role model for your niece and nephew. Make sure you you put yourself in check and aren't spreading yourself TOO thin...because if we do TOO much, nothing gets done.

I can only imagine how hard everything is. I guess what you can do in your situation is focus on the good things. Thank God your husband is still alive and your children still have their daddy. And thank God your living situation is temporary :).

Have you considered talking to your sister about the affects of their relationship on their children? I am not sure what type of relationship you have with her, or what type of person she is...but sometimes it takes others telling us things before we see the affect it has on others.

You'll make it through...hang in there!!!

You are not alone. I think as mothers we always have too much on our plate and have times when we think "I can't take one more thing!". when I'm feeling like you do I make a gratitude list. A list of all the things that I'm grateful for. The number one thing on my list at all times is that my children are healthy. I have a friend who has been dealing with her daughter having cancer since she was 2, she is now 7. Right when they told her she was in remission something new came up. Watching her lose her hair, be terribly sick all the time, makes me so sad. If all I can cling too is that my children are healthy, that's what I cling to.
Someone told me the other day that all we have is heart. When we are born and young, we are all heart. When we are old and dying, all we have left is heart. Try to live your life through the eyes of your youngest children, where they live in the moment and have no worries. At least try to, that way you will at least have moments where you aren't so stressed out.

Hi M.,

I hear and feel your pain. The way I see you is that you are a very caring person who wants to fix everyone else's problems. You are very strong and capable of taking on so much. Enough is enough though, right? We all need balance in our lives and when it spirals out of control, we need to find a way to bring it back into perspective. Some really great advice someone gave me once when I couldn't find anything good in my life was to get a little note book and start writing down 5-10 things I was greatful for every day. So before I'd go to bed I would look back at my day and make note of at least 5 things I was greatful for. It can be something very small, like I am greatful for my husband's smile, I am greatful for a phone call I received from my sister, I am greatful for my car. Anything you think of. The point being that you keep a list every day. This way you will have something to reference back to and it will all be positive and help you put life in perspective.

Have you ever heard of the saying, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"? You have just taken your first step to plan for a better tomorrow. Writing your innermost thoughts takes a lot of courage, and you are a courageous person. There is a better tomorrow if you make the right choices and plan for it. God did not design us to go through life alone. We all need help now and then, and you've just taken that first step. Congratulations! You are on your way to a better tomorrow.

My prayers are with you,
E.

I have no words to say, but your in my prayes. It does get easier!
A.

Thank you for your story - sounds crazy, but hearing your story helps me know I am not alone...

Single mother with 5 children - none of them grown. I wont burden you with my terrible life, but I will tell you to be thankful you have your husband - it is a luxury I would kill for - my children ask me everyday if I can buy them a dad.

take it easy. take a deep breath or two. it sounds like you are going to be alright. If you haven't already... you should read the bible. read proverbs. You sound like a great person. You still have time to spend with your husband who will eventually heal and family is important. This too shall pass. Just don't be in a rush. Everything happens for a reason. You might make a serious mark on those childrens hearts. You are serving a purpose in that home. The only thing you need to do now... is make some alone time for you.
God bless you.

Tomorrow will be tomorrow. Maybe you'll walk through the day, maybe you'll crawl, maybe you'll dance. But that is tomorrow -- not today -- let it be.

Is it so bad that you have thought about hurting yourself? If so, do you have a plan on how you might do that? Have you tried to hurt yourself? If you can answer yes to any of those questions, you need to get help. NOW. Call any mental health provider and tell him/her that you've thought about, planned or tried to hurt yourself. Then work with that person. NOW. TODAY. Stop reading and do it NOW.

If it hasn't gotten that bad, then you still need to get some support but perhaps not as urgently. You might need to see a therapist to help you make plans on how to get unstuck. You might need to see a doctor to take advantage of medication to help you see some light. You might need to arrange for respite care for your husband. (Look under Center for Independent Living in the phone book -- they help adults remain independent in their homes as long as possible).

You are important. You are supporting so much right now. While you might think that tending to your needs is a sign of weakness or selfishness, it is not. It is like putting on your oxygen mask FIRST before helping a child next to you. You need support to keep yourself and your family together.

I have been in the "Lord take me NOW!" place that you are in. It's so sad, so overwhelming, so depressing. I cry all the time. I just want to lie down on the floor and sleep forever. I want all the responsiblities in the world to just go away. I want something, anything, to arrive and make it better. The LAST thing I want is something else to do.

And seeking support is, in fact, doing just one more thing. But it has to be done -- you know it. That's why you asked us.

Call a level-headed friend to help you if you can't figure out what to do (remember most people LIKE to be asked to help. And wouldn't you do the same for her? Wouldn't you be upset to learn that she was this sad and didn't ask you for help?)

Brainstorm with the friend to make a list of the needs you have: respite workers, medications, mental health therapy, support groups, new place to live, etc. Then pick one and work on it: make a plan, make phone calls or just sit next to your friend while she does it for you.

I promise you, once you start taking steps to get unstuck, you will feel stronger and more able to cope. That's not to say that every day will be an improvment, but it will get better eventually.

Call a friend. Take the first step now. Today is hard.

Wrong question, do not ask how hard can tomorrow really be, ask yourself, what am I grateful for today?
What you focus on expands.
B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com
PS BTW...what does "being strong" mean to you? I'll tell you what it means to me. Having fear is normal, moving forward in spite of it is STRENGTH. Being afraid for your future after something like this is normal, STRENGTH is found in the actions you take IN SPITE of the fear. And in case you didn't know, children see more than you give them creidt for. Is that the example you want to set for them?

i just want to say koodos to you for doing all you are right now!!! I am sure the right time will come for you to move, etc. Your family is lucky to have such a great person in their lives!!! Can you talk to your sister about the arrangement?