Seeking Mom's with a Child/children with ADHA/ODD

I have a daughter with ADD. I HIGHLY recommend the book Boundries with Kids by Dr. McCloud. It covers a multiude of problems and solutions. I am very fond of the "Impound Yard" for the things my kids don't want to pick up.

Hi there. My oldest has same diagnosis plus a few others. He is 16 now, but was not officially diagnosed or given treatment until he was 12. Lots and lots and lots of folks counseling me that he was just being a teenager. I would always reply, then this child has been a teenager since he was born. Can't really go into all the struggles here and now, but feel free to email me on the site, if you like. Initially most of what I learned on my own about these behaviors scared me to death. I will say that trying to come up with rules/consequences for him that would also fit the younger kids never worked for us. If my younger children would pull or try out some of the behaviors they've seen him model, they get much sterner consequences. I don't have a problem with that "double standard" anymore. I have had to challenge myself to be more patient, more understanding, and more tolerant with my oldest son because it is what he desperately needs. And yes, it isn't fair.
As for concrete suggestions, try writing up a contract between you and your child. Target the basics (his responsibilities now - clean room, hygiene, homework, chores, etc); his role in the family (being the oldest brother, setting the example, helping you); and the most troublesome behaviors that get you really riled up (picking on the little ones, being disrespectful, shouting). Clearly outline the consequences and whether there will be warnings, etc. Also include things that he can do that will earn him points with you - chart the positive things he earns in a public space. Pick something that really motivates him (is it one-on-one time with you?) that you can afford to do/have time to do and let him see progress towards earning that treat.
In the contract, give him an appropiate way to object to his concerns (a weekly family meeting time when the "disrespectful consequences don't apply" or a step by step set of instructions that you help/make him memorize and use whenever he wants to tell you that he's mad or that you/sibling has done something to hurt his feelings). Since he's only 9 structure the contract in very brief bullets, so that he can easily read it. Talk it over with him and explain it - you may even decide to alter it a bit after you both review it.
Then make two copies - one for him and one for you. Anytime afterwards that you apply a consequence and he objects, he can check the rules and see that you've been consistent. Be consistent to a fault - even when it's late and you're exhausted - even when you'd rather ignore it just once. For my son, keeping the consequences brief helped him to not despair that he would ALWAYS be in trouble of one kind or another.
If this works for you, renovate the plan when needed and as frequently as needed. The other kids may also want reward charts of their own, but it will likely be that the overall plan will be too highly tailored to be useful to everyone.
Any positive behaviors that you want to encourage, make step by step outlines on how to practice the right way to do them and have him memorize and practice one every week. For example, "to get the teacher's attention" - 1. raise your hand. 2. wait to be called upon 3. speak clearly and politely.
Feel like I've written a book, so sorry if it's TOO much. Final word, PLAN, PLAN, PLAN and you may find that it helps you feel slightly more in control. I also think that 9 years old is old enough for him to understand that when you're getting ready to lose your cool - HE also needs to take a time out and not keep pushing your buttons. God bless.

I don't know how open you are to trying diet interventions, but you might try looking at the feingold.org site. It may give you some more help. Dr Feingold wrote a book I think titled, "why won't my child behave." I read it in one sitting and have implemented the no dye/additive rule in our house for everyone, boy what a difference. There is also a Feingold Yahoo group, check it out to see other peoples challenges and success using diet and other things to help thier kids find some peace. Its hard for these kids to function and I truly believe that their outbursts and hyperactivity is not something they enjoy either. It turned out my son is also intolerant to diary, in a big way, he has an eye tick and is very aggressive when he gets ANY milk product, including cheese etc. so we don't let him have it anymore. He is still quite the 4 yr old boy but we no longer have hour long screaming tantrums, a boy swinging from the light fixtures or a kid who is hitting every child that comes within five feet of him for no reason. It wasn't easy to implement the changes but it's a breeze now, and his behaviour was so off the charts I truly would barely leave my house, changing his diet seemed easier than living with that for the rest of our lives :) Good luck.

Have you checked him for allergies of anykind? My son is 8, and I have started taking different foods away just to see how it affects him. I have taken any dairy away and started giving him the Lactaid milk, which he absolutly loves, and there has been some improvement. I am going to try other foods as well. I want to get him off of the meds. that the Dr. has put him on. As far as the outbursts, I just sit down and hold him, and that does not work I take him to his room to calm down for a few min. When he gets home from school he is so wound up he needs time to relax. There are many factors that can cause the outbursts. My son's was worse when it was just me him and his sister. He seemed mad at everyone and everything. I have found that a calm voice, lots of love and attention, sometimes sternly, will do wonders. Just knowing that mommy is not leaving him will go along way as well.

If you just need someone to talk to you can give me a call.
My email is ____@____.com
email me and I will give you my number.

I know it helps sometimes just to talk.

T.

Dear J.,

If you are willing to change the foods you eat you can eliminate your son's problem completely. Take a thorough look at www.feingold.org. Feingold is a 30yr old non-profit organization whose purpose is to inform the public about petroleum-based artificial ingredients in our food supply. These harmful additives cause a multitude of symptoms including ADD, ADHD, OCD, and many other emotional and physical disorders. It was a Godsend for our family and our ADHD daughter. She is now a junior on the honor roll and we NEVER used medication. Best wishes.

L. B.

Sometimes I just repeat whatever it is I am asking him to do. LIke " do your homework"- I just don't say anything else and I don't raise my voice. If and usually when he protests, I just ignore it. It doesn't always work and if it is for other reasons sometimes I just try my hardest to ignore it as long as he isn't hurting anything or anyone.

I don't know how you are managing, but bravo for you. I have a dd with ADHD, who is 30 now. The house was usually in turmoil because of her. Luckily, she was my 3rd, and the 2 older were very grounded. The key is, have a very structured life. Always use the same routine. The min, there is a discrepancy, these kids can't handle change well. Bed as early as possible etc.
Try to give him a little extra time, they are needy. Meds help and make all of the diff in the world. Good luck.

hi, i am a surviving mom of a now 30 y.o. son who had adhd. i found that diet has a lot to do with triggering outbursts. one of my son's triggers was food with red food coloring he also reacted to whole wheat, bread, cereal. try when your adhd has an outburst look at what was eaten in the time prior to it, then eliminate that food from diet, ketchup can be a trigger as well as the obvious 'red' foods hope this helps from a mom that has been there i was a single mom for 10 years of my son's life.

J., I can totally relate to you about the outbursts. I have a five year old boy who has been diagnosed ADHD. I used to think that the condition was a load of psychobable but boy, do I know different now!

I am 46 years old (I'm not even counting how old I will be when Liam finishes high school. He is hispanic in heritage but born in America. We adopted him at the age of 4 days; all a bit of a shock really as we had less than 24 notice of being parents.

We have had little support from family members; firstly because I am English so that's where they live, and secondly, both my mother and mother-in-law don't like kids very much. If fact when we rang my mother-in-law up to tell her that we adopted Liam an that he was Hispanic, her response was:

"Couldn't you have paid extra and got a white one?"

Anyway Liam is now 5. He cannot stay still, tries hard but has no attention focus but most of all, his temper is absolutely horrendous. He smashes things, scratches and punches, screams so loudly that he can be heard from neighbors houses. We have been recommended to put him on ritalin which we tried for two weeks and moved house 2 weeks ago so I have yet to find a pediatrician.

I've read the books and talked to many friends but they don't really understand. One says give him a choice of 2 things rather than a number, consistency is another part of the conversation but he is so difficult to handle. Sometimes when I am exhausted, I give in and give him what he wants and I feel so guilty.

He is better behaved at school although the reason we had him assessed was that at his last school, he just couldn't sit still, make decisions or focus on activities.

However, Liam in a lot of respects is just wonderful and I love him more than the whole world. Sometimes I wonder what it is like for him to experience his behavior and whether he feels so frustrated that he loses it.

J., I haven't come up with any solutions but hopefully you know that there are other people out there with the same problem. If I do learn anything helpful, I will post it immediately.

Good luck. I know what you are going through and am rooting for you

C.

We are fortunate that although my 6 yr old daughter has been similarly disgnosed, she does not have these outbursts. I have her on 5mg Daytrana patch daily when she's in school. She is able to keep her appetite healthy on that low dosage. It allows her to stay focused at school, yet keeps the outbursts under control.

I also just found a local yahoo group on this topic. Here's the link.
http://www.geocities.com/trianglechadd/discussion.html

First of all congratulations on still being sane!
I have one child and she has had some SERIOUS issues with ADHD even on medication. We struggle everyday with her and her defiance, attitude and tantrums. Really wish I could say something that would work but we are still struggling ourselves. Know that you are not alone! I will say the best thing we have found when she gets in on of the moods and starts the all out tantrums we don't pay attention to it we tell her that is NOT acceptable behavior and send her to her room (sometimes we have to pyhsically pick her up and put her there) to sit on her bed with door shut until she can control herself. It's extremely frustrating and I still get very upset over it all every time we have on of those outbursts and try to find ways to calm myself but that isn't easy in the middle of the adrenaline rushing outbursts. I do wish you the best of luck, try to take deep cleansing breaths and know that you are not alone!

I would like to recommend finding a yahoo group or two that deals with ADHD and or ODD and joining it/them. My child is highly functional autistic and I find the reversingautism yahoo group to be a lifesaver. You also might want to check out this yahoo group, because autism and adhd are on different ends of the same spectrum and many people have found inexpensive solutions for OCD and outbursts on this group.

Good luck!

Check out Duke:
www.helpforadd.com

I get regular postings from:
David Rabiner, Ph.D.
Senior Research Scientist
Duke University
Durham, NC 27705

My most recent email from him (9/16) is titled:
** An Innovative Approach for Helping 'Explosive Children' **

He recommends:
'The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, "Chronically Inflexible" Children' by Dr. Ross Greene

He also mentions:
www.helpforadd.com/oddcd.htm

If you aren't able to locate Dr. Rabiner's September article on his website, send me your email address and I'll forward the article to you.

These kids can be very challenging. Good luck!

I am just reading a book called Change Your Brain, Change Your Life (it was on the NY Times besteller list and the author has been showcased on public television.) There is some good advice for very specific issues (OCD, ODD, ADHD, depression, etc.) and also some insight on brain function (over and under-functioning of certain areas that can cause some of these problems that most think of as purely psychiatric.) An understanding of it goes a long way to take the guilt away from the diagnosis (ever wonder what you did or didn't do to cause it?) and also gives some diet/medication ideas. I'd recommend the read.

My son is ADHD and "working the problem and not the child" was a positive way to go. When overly upset or acting impulsively, I'd help him identify his feelings without allowing the behavior. "It's OK to be really, incredibly angry, but we don't hit!" Make consequences consistent.

Good luck!

Hi J.,

Check out Kirk Martin. He was recommended to me by a neighbor who has a son w/ADHD. I haven't bought any CDs yet but his newsletter is awesome.
www.CelebrateCalm.com

Good luck and God bless!

Hi J.,
I am sure you are going to be overwhelmed with advice, so I won't say much. I too am a single mom, I have a 9 year old son with ADHD. After getting kicked out of preschools and almost out of school, we are in our 2nd year of homeschool, which has made a huge difference. Also going to a smaller church helped, less crowds, less anxiety. I have been reading about various diets and allergies to foods and additives. Lot's of research! But one thing that works for us when he is acting out aggressive or angry outbursts is, to go to a quiet bedroom, maybe have an ocean wave cd playing, and lay down and massage out the tension in his head or back. This makes a huge difference, I used to work in daycare and I had to take classes, and one was massage for infants and children. When they are fed and changed and you can't figure out why they are crying, try massage! Anyway best of luck, email me if you need someone to talk to, V. ____@____.com