Seeking Insight on Intimancy ..

Geez I'd be in heaven if we did it 2x's a week! we might get together 2x's a MONTH right now. Right now it's because of the new baby...but even before that we were lucky is we were alone once a week.

I think 1-2x's a week is about average honestly.

Hey, it looks like everyone covered a lot of different advise already, but I just wanted to make one very significant point that might give you and your husband some perspective. If he expects you to have energy left for him, he needs to help you with housework and childcare! I don't know what your arrangement is, but I'm gathering that you are probably taking the lion's share of the caring duties, with dinner, dishes, cleaning up, putting the kids to bed. If you're doing ALL of this yourself, then it's no wonder you're pooped! Ask him if he can take over a few small tasks, like clearing the table, or give him part of the bedtime job. He could supervise teeth getting brushed and jammies, so that you just have the rest of the routine. Bring this up some time like you had your own little revelation, and just make him see it logically. Not to be mean, but men tend to be quite simple minded about things and the more simple and logical it is, the better. You have a great advantage in this, cause if he does do these things, he gets rewarded rather than just doing it cause he should. The time you're spending with your kids should be with him too! He is part of the family, right? Let him see that all he has to do is his part and then you have more time with him. Good luck!

Hi L.,
I've found that if you find good qualities in your hubby that it makes it easier to be intimate. I stopped thinking things like "is he that lazy that he can't just put his clothes IN the hamper?". In place of those things, now I think "wow, he must have been really tired when he left his clothes on the floor". By changing some of my thinking it has helped me so that I'm not so angry at my hubby (which is a mood-killer). Now I understand that he needs me and I need him. When he wants to be intimate and I'm not sometimes I tell him, "I need a little help but I am very tired". Sometimes he comprises for the next morning or sometimes he can get me in the mood for a quickey. I'm not trying to turn it around on you either, I'm just telling you what has worked for me. I also think that going to bed BEFORE getting over tired helps tremendously. Good luck. PS - as for timing... we're not very consistant and if I had to guess I would say once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks. (Cringe).

Personally, with all that you have going on, I think twice a week is pretty good! Our goal is twice a week and if we actually meet once a week we feel like we are doing pretty good! However, sit down with your husband and expess your feelings. Tell him that you know how important intimacy is to him (for men, it is MUCH, MUCH, more important than to women.) Also, express how much you love him and want him to be happy. Explain how you feel and what you are doing to meet his needs. Explain what kind of help you might need in order to do this better. Agree upon a number or times a week to "meet" as a compromise to make everyone happy. You might even pick the days of the week that would work out best for your families' schedule. That way, he would know when to expect to "meet" and when not to be disappointed if it didn't happen. You would also try to be prepared on those days and save some energy to devote to your husband! I wish you luck on this issue! I think it is one of the most difficult issues in marraige!

God Bless!

L., you are not the only one! My husband and I are like that but are lucky if we get together once a month. He is a tow truck driver and works long hours. So by the time he gets home he is ready for bed and I am tired from dealing with our five and two year old plus I work in a daycare for four hours a day. So don't worry it is just because you two have different hours and kids. It will get better for the both of us (I hope!).

Wow, you've gotten a lot of good advice...but I have to say that no matter what is "normal", your situation is causing trouble for the two of you and that is NOT okay! My husband is 5 years younger than I am...needless to say he is often more interested in sex than I am. Honestly, I finally had to have a talk with myself. I had a great husband who couldn't keep his hands off of me, and who thought I was gorgeous having just had a baby, yet I would get annoyed when he would interrupt my mom duties and think about sex all the time! I slowly started reminding myself that I am happy that he wants me often, even if it was just forcing a little smile to let him know that I was NOT pushing him away. Could it be that your husband feels rejected, so he thinks that if he doesn't ask for it all the time, then he wouldn't even get the twice a week? Maybe if the two of you really enjoyed those 2 times, and it was a willing and mutual time together (even 15 minutes) then he would be able to relax a little b/c he would know that you still wanted him, too. I understand your work schedules are crazy, my husband works ALOT, and my youngest is 6 months old. We actually get together every other day, at the very least. I got some good advice, once, from a woman who thought that we OWED our husbands good sex...can you believe that????? Anyway, she said that even if you have to pretend to enjoy it, it IS a relatively short time, but something great will happen and you actually WILL start to enjoy it, and your husband will think you are the greatest b/c you still want him after everything else that consumes your time.

All that said, please don't think that I am trying to turn your issues back around on you...I completely understand where you are coming from and I do not mean to fault you or tell you that its all up to you. I'm just telling you that I've been there and this has worked for me. Like I said, my hubby and I are very 'active' but it took some work. Your kids cannot have a solid foundation if there are cracks in your marriage. They are like little radars and they will detect the smallest instability. They will soak up all the time you will give them...but they will do just fine with 15 minutes less, especially if it brings mommy and daddy some closeness back.
Good luck!

I have to agree with Laura. I have three children and am a widow. When my husband was alive, my situation was like yours. Twice a week was about it for us. But looking back, I made a lot of mistakes. My husband should have come first. My own mother told me that but I didn't listen. You two have to be happy in order for your kids to be happy. It's about sacrificing. Good luck.

L., I went through something similar. My husband likes it in the morning so we squeeze it in sometimes before the kids get up. I like it BEFORE I get too tired but after the kids are in bed which is around 9:30 to 10:00. 2 times a week is good for a couple with 2 kids that both work. We have kids 10, 8 1/2 and 5. All which still find their way in our bed in the middle of the night. We would sometimes go for 3-4 weeks with no time to connect. But we have recently found you just HAVE to MAKE the time and we did 7 days in a row last week! You can't schedule it just take it as it comes to you. It will get better you just need to talk and let him know that it isn't rejection just being spread to thin between motherhood and wifehood!!!! Good Luck!

L.,
Everyone is diff... the times per week should not only be about"intimate times"... it should also include alone time....
Mine just recently got his job moved to where he is gone 3-4 nights a week...he gets home on thurs (some fri) we bowl on fri kids are sat then sun early to bed as he gets up at 3..... so making time is veryyyyy important to us...We have found setting one night a month (at least sometimes 2) where u get a sitter and just be hubby and wife.... this is VERYYYY IMPORTANT to any relationship..... whether or not "intimate" is involved.... u need it for u... intimate.... sex well that can happen whenever... there is always a few min here and there, but trueeeeeee intimacy comes on the "date nights"...
good luck
T.

I so understand!!! I could've written your request for myself, word for word. We get together about 2 times a week. Often it is in the morning because I am so tired at night. He always wants more though. Sometimes I give in even when I don't want to just to make him happy and I don't want to hear him whine :). Anyway, sounds normal to me!!!!

L.,
I think this is an issue for every couple at some point or another. Kids/work/life...where does intimacy fit in? I think this kind of thing goes in stages too. There are times where you're intimate more often and then there are the "dry spells" so to speak. There is a good book I'd suggest first, His Needs, Her Needs. It is fabulous. I say this because I was married the first time for 8 years, divorced and now am re-married to a wonderful man. Having read this book helped just point out how to approach a man's way of thinking or looking at what's important to him and you. It'd be nice if he'd read it too. Don't forget to talk with him and find out if he has a problem with being intimate twice a week. Another suggestion I would make (not that I have any credentials, just personal experience) is no matter how hard it is to do, set up date nights. Find another couple where you can watch their kids while they go out and vice versa. It helps a great deal. Move yourselves up in the list of priorities. Good luck

ohhhhhhhhhh hunny take it from me i work midnights full time and he works days full time plus over time, you just gotta set some time aside for yourselfs make it a POINT do it either when the kids are sleepin or get a baby sitter, theres lots of magazines you can order umm... "little fun stuff" from or go online and order some stuff to spruce up your sex life me and my fiance arent even intimate 2 times a week we dont have time but we make sure that when we do, all things are set aside and its GOOD, if hes not in the mood turn the lights down and ask him if he wants a back massage once hes nice and loose kiss him on the neck if he tries to push away or make up an excuse say im just trying to cuddle next thing you know... well you know maybe buy some sexy little outfits or whatever (go light on eating previous if your gonna make a special dinner because being full means being tired being tired means no sex)

You are doing pretty good at 2 times a week. There are times in my marriage we can go a couple weeks if not more. We have different shifts and such a busy life we are lucky to steal a kiss from time to time. But when we do connect it is awesome. Realistically when you have a busy life and kids if you can fit it in that is great. But if you are tired and just need a break then so be it. Your life won't end and you should not have to give it to him everyday just because he wants it. You will then start to resent him. Have a discussion about what you both feel would be a good compromise. It needs to be fair though, not just what one wants.

I am remarried for 6 yrs and am 43 my hubby 38. There are nights we just do oral and other just the sex part. But we both need to be on the same wave length otherwise I wouldn't feel right. So if at times is a less never fear if you truly love each other then it shouldn't be a big deal. Maybe cut out the naps and put the kids to bed early. Then take time for yourselves. If my hubby took a nap and then wanted it at 11pm . After I have been up since 6am. It would be a no go. But we always make it up when we do have it.

Life is not all about Sex as much as people try to make it that. If I feel it is to long or hubby does we just tell each other and plan some time. As for therapy , unless there is a underlying issue you both need to work out I would hold off for now.

But yeah we have gone as much as a month before we realize " dang it has been that long" lol

Hubby and I usually go to our room early and watch tv that is when we take time. Otherwise there is no other time.

Got me beat too!!
L.

Twice a week sounds like nothing to complain about to me!

I understand that you are tired and spread pretty thin, but how long does it actually take to do the deed and make your huaband happy? The extra fifteen minutes that you have to stay up to make the man happy is worth it. It is such a dumb thing to fight over. I am tired when I come home, but I know how happy it makes my husband if hes going to get some. Getting together two times a week sounds fine. Normal for every couple will be different. Just try for two weeks to stay up the extra fifteen minutes and let him have it, and see if it changes the fighting. You too may see that it is worth it. Good luck.

I think that almost every couple struggles with this issue...the kids have to come first, and that makes fitting in the marriage part of a having a family VERY hard. My husband and i have struggled with this problem for a long time and it's now made things a bit worse...we have now placed the struggles on other things and our marriage is on the rocks...we love each other very much, but we dont know what to do...we've began marriage counseling and much to our dismay it's not helped one bit...i think the best thing to do is to catch it NOW before it becomes an issue...we have began having a date night once a week or so...dinner, a movie, shopping, hanging out with MUTUAL friends...mini golf...stuff like that...we dont leave until the kids are in bed and we're back before they get up! that has been helping...and we've been trying to help each other out w/ chores that used to be "yours and mine" like mowing, dishes, laundry...etc...the kids see us working together, and at least we're interacting and getting the kids to bed in time for a little "mommmy and daddy time." (these things were ideas WE came up w/, not the counselor)

and yes, i do think that 2 times a week is average...but what you need to consider is, is it average for the two of you? did you have physical intimacy more than twice a week before you had kids? or are you thinking that if you salvage the physical then the emotional intimacy can wait? cause if thats the case, it's not going to work out...i'm finding that out the hard way...

Good luck! let me know if you find an answer to this BIG problem!! i'd LOVE to know!

You know once you have kids you and your haubby naturally put them first and other responsiblities twice a week I would say your doing good, who has time for everynight!! My hubby and I are excitied if we get once a week in..lol that doesnt mean you need counseling but as others have suggested try once a month to make a "date night" for yourselves it will help to reconnect and relight those fires. My hubby was gone all last week for training for his new job and I got a sitter and picked him up at the airport and we went to dinner alone for the first time since I had my daughter who is now 6months, and when we got home we had a great night together like when we first met, its times like those that make you fall in love all over again

Hi L.,

I think the number of times is different for everyone and what might be ok for one couple may not be ok for another. Have you asked your husband how many times he wants it? Maybe you could compromise...if you think 2 is enough and he says 5, maybe you could say "ok how's 3 times a week sound?". Good luck!

J. M.